- Claire Dunphy: Everyone pretend to be gardening. Luke, grab that hoe.
- [Luke grabs Haley]
- Haley Dunphy: That's not what she meant! Is it?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You two are behaving like two little boys, so I'm going to have to handle this the way my mother handled my two little brothers. Either you two work this out...
- [impales knives on table]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: ... or you kill each other.
- Earl Chambers: I slept with your wife.
- Jay Pritchett: If you banged DeDe, then I do owe you an apology.
- Cameron Tucker: I call Mrs. Plank Mrs. Crank, because I say what others don't have the guts to say.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Behind her back.
- Jay Pritchett: Dammit, she saw the Sock It To Me! If she remembers how it works its over.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Remember how it works? You put a sock on a box. Even Joe could have thought of that!
- Mrs. Plank: Well, well, well, if it isn't Mary Ann and Ginger.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [laughing] That's hilarious!
- Cameron Tucker: [laughing] Okay, 'cause... Yeah. Oh. Oh, that's funny!
- Mitchell Pritchett: And while... while we're laughing about things, uh, this is funny, too. It seems that we forgot to talk to Lily before coming in to see you.
- Cameron Tucker: And... And she made it very clear in no uncertain terms that she loves you and she wants to stay in your class. How great is that?
- Mrs. Plank: I will take Lily back...
- Cameron Tucker: [exhales sharply] Whew!
- Mrs. Plank: ...if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence: "Lily's parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank."
- Mitchell Pritchett: [chagrinned] I... I... I think that the object is... to humiliate us?
- Mrs. Plank: Correct. See? I can teach anybody.