- Himself - Host: [Looking down at his notes] Ok it's written down here, I just had to ask.
- Brad Pitt: I understand.
- Himself - Host: After a big meal at thanksgiving, do you ever just unbutton your pants and pat your stomach and say "oh boy"
- Brad Pitt: I don't recall doing that.
- Himself - Host: You do a lot of charity work and I think that's really great thing you do and I was wondering if you could tell us about your charity work because I also involved in a lot of charity work myself.
- Brad Pitt: Like what?
- Himself - Host: I work with this one group called "doctors without diplomas"
- Himself - Host: So tell us about your charity work?
- Brad Pitt: Yeah it's something I'm really proud of, it's called "Make it right organization", we started building in the Lower Ninth after Hurricane Katrina...
- Himself - Host: Hold on one second I have to liven this up
- [presses the button on the table and music starts playing]
- Himself - Host: [Louis C.K. enters the stage with a microphone in-between Brad and Zach] Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.
- Louis C.K.: [talking with the microphone, imitating a stand-up comedy act] Hey, how's it going everybody? It's great to be here in New York, it's a crazy town, there were a couple rats in the subway and I thought they were either Ebola or ISIS, I was like " get out of here rats.
- Himself - Host: [to Louis C.K. about Brad] he looks like a reverse Benjamin Buttons doesn't he? Because he gets older and fatter.
- Louis C.K.: [Confused to Zach] Who are you talking to?
- Himself - Host: [to Louis C.K. and Points to Brad] I was talking to my friend, I don't know about you, but he was in Benjamin Buttons, he was in it, that's why I said it
- Louis C.K.: [to Brad] Who's "Benjamin Buttons?
- Himself - Host: [Pointing at Brad] The guy "Benjamin Bottoms,", Buttons, that's the guy, you can't recognize him because of the make-up stuff
- Brad Pitt: [to Louis C.K] No it wasn't make up.
- Louis C.K.: I don't care
- [walks off the stage]
- Himself - Host: When you and Clooney get dressed up in your tuxes together and say "aren't we a couple of dapper Dans?"
- Brad Pitt: [Shakes his head] Never happened to my recollection.
- Himself - Host: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan?
- Brad Pitt: Why?
- Himself - Host: Because you live in your "wife's shadow because I also had a romantic "fling" with someone...
- Brad Pitt: [Intentionally interrupts him by coughs a piece of gum onto the table] I'm sorry
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, my guest today is "Bradley Pitts"
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [to Brad] Bradley Pitts", thanks for joining me.
- Brad Pitt: It's my pleasure.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: How were you when you lost your virginity? Zero?
- Brad Pitt: [looks the opposite direction and remains silent]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: I'll tell you when I lost my virginity...
- Brad Pitt: I don't really not like to hear that.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Showers, why don't you take them?
- Brad Pitt: [Inhales deeply]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: You play a lot of people that are Nazi haters, which is weird to me
- Brad Pitt: Why do you say that?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Because you look like Hitler's dream.
- Brad Pitt: Yes, I understand the conundrum of it all
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Naked pictures of you were in Playgirl magazine many years ago and the only way I know that was my dad got me a subscription when I graduated from junior high school and... anyway tell us about this movie "furry."
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: It's "Fury"
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Not "Furry"?
- Brad Pitt: No.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: When does that come out on DVD?
- Brad Pitt: [thinking and remains silent]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [Looking around] I got you a gift.
- Brad Pitt: [an assistant hand him a long gift wrapped object] You know I'm a dad now.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: That's a bassoon to play with your kids.
- Brad Pitt: [Putting it to the side] yeah we don't play a bassoon in my house anymore.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: This is off topic just a bit but do you mind if I borrow one or two of your sperms?
- Brad Pitt: No I think that would be inappropriate.