- [at Kimmy's birthday party]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Why do you keep playing the same song over and over?
- Titus Andromedon: These are all different! Can you not tell house from electronicon?
- Kimmy Schmidt: No. Can you at least play music that has words in it?
- [Titus turns on a song whose lyrics consist of the repeated line "I beat that bitch with a bat"]
- Titus Andromedon: [explanatory] I can't fix America.
- Logan Beekman: [via iPhone] So I'll see you tonight. Oh, and FYI, they're coming out with a new iPhone today, which means all our old phones are gonna completely...
- [his iPhone disintegrates in his hand]
- Logan Beekman: Damn it.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Stupid birthday. Stupid Kymmi. Ugh! And why do these heels keep poking through the floor?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Not because the floors are just painted dirt. This is a real apartment.
- [Dong has torn a massive hole in a wall of Kimmy's apartment while fighting Logan]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: I don't know how that happened with the wall. It's definitely not just old Valpaks covered in cake icing.
- Kimmy Schmidt: [picking up a high heel] Ugh, how do you even walk in these things?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh, well, you know high heels were invented by a man, Kimmy. 'Cause no woman ever invented anything.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Look, tonight is about the birthday girl. 'Cause you can't spell Kimmy without "me"!
- Titus Andromedon: Yes you can. You have to!
- [Dressed nicely and toting a bicycle, Dong arrives at the stoop for Kimmy's birthday party]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Well, well, well! Tonight VC stands for "Very Chic."
- Dong Nguyen: Thank you, Mrs. Kimmy's Friend. Do you think you could help me? I need to sneak this bicycle inside.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh, well, don't worry - nobody's gonna wanna steal that hunk of...
- Dong Nguyen: No, it's Kimmy's birthday present. I made it myself.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh, you didn't let me finish. "Hunk of crap." It's rude to interrupt your elders.
- [Dong and Logan are fighting over Kimmy]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Stop it! Why are you fighting?
- Dong Nguyen: Bicycle is my present! I made it because of love!
- Logan Beekman: I assume you're talking about the tennis score there, because you did it for nothing.
- [Titus has just sung Katy Perry's "Firework" to Kimmy under the pretense that he wrote it for Kimmy as a birthday present]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Wow! That's very catchy. Some constructive criticism?
- Titus Andromedon: What?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I don't think anyone says "a firework," singular. It's "fireworks."
- Titus Andromedon: Hmm.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Also, "work" doesn't rhyme with "burst." And I'm not sure why you would compare me to a plastic bag, but I like it.