Community (TV Series)

Lawnmower Maintenance & Postnatal Care (2015)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dean Pelton : [Fooling around in virtual reality]  I set the time zone. I set the time zone!

  Jeff Winger : And my phone does that automatically.

  Dean Pelton : I'm gonna see if I can make the font bigger.

  [Moves his arms around] 

  Dean Pelton : The font is larger!

  [Epically] 

  Dean Pelton : And Jesus wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.

• Jeff Winger : [Giving instructions to the dean, who is in virtual reality]  Now you just have to print that file out. You can do that by dragging it to the accessories and peripherals castle, and planting it in the printer garden.

• Frankie Dart : Dean, here's something fun you might want to try. Let's see if we can find the serial number to this system.

  Dean Pelton : Oh, that could be fun.

  Frankie Dart : So go to Settings.

  Dean Pelton : Is settings the volcano or the cobbler's workshop?

  Jeff Winger : It's a monastery.

• Britta Perry : [about her friends collaborating with her parents to support her financially]  You've all been lying to me for years. What kind of friends are you?

  Jeff Winger : Poor. We're poor friends. And you mooch off us because you're too proud to use your own support system. What kind of friend are you? And having met them, what were you rebelling against? Was it generosity, whimsical game nights, or delicious lobster bacon mashed potatoes?

  Britta Perry : You ate the potatoes? You, you don't even eat carbs.

  Jeff Winger : I eat love, Britta. Hot, delicious love that you were willing to wipe your ass with.

• Jeff Winger : Hey, Dean. I'm coming over and I'm pulling you out of there.

  Dean Pelton : I'll bite you.

  Jeff Winger : I'll beat you up.

  Dean Pelton : I'll like it and then I'll fire you and then I'll get right back in it.

  Jeff Winger : I'll still get to beat you up.

• Jeff Winger : You sold a Virtu Good 6500 to Craig Pelton at Greendale Community College, and we need to return it.

  Elroy Patashnik : I'll need the serial number.

  Jeff Winger : He deleted the serial number because he loves the system.

  Elroy Patashnik : So what's the problem?

  Jeff Winger : The problem is in order to copy a file, you have to throw a fireball at it, then absorb the fire, then drop the flaming file into a crystal lake, then take out both copies and throw them into the side of a mountain.

• Dean Pelton : Thank you for the refund, Elroy.

  Elroy Patashnik : No, thank you for one last taste of what it was like when my work was valuable.

  Dean Pelton : Oh, it's still valuable. Here, $500 for the taste I got of being powerful.

  Jeff Winger : Dean, the school can't afford 500...

  Dean Pelton : Wait for it.

  Elroy Patashnik : I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life now.

  Dean Pelton : We offer a wide variety of classes.

  [Elroy seems to consider it. Dean to Jeff] 

  Dean Pelton : And that, my friend, is the Greendale effect.

  Jeff Winger : I'll never get out of here, will I?

  Dean Pelton : I haven't met many that do.

• Frankie Dart : I would like to see this company's website. Can I use your computer?

  Dean Pelton : Sure. Have fun in the Stone Age while I step into the third dean-mension.

  Jeff Winger : Width?

  Dean Pelton : Read the instructions, analog man.

  Jeff Winger : When entering virtual reality, you should calibrate the system by looking at your own hands, then turning them over and looking at the backs of them with a sense of wonder.

• Frankie Dart : He deleted the serial number, Jeff, help me out here.

  Jeff Winger : I don't get paid enough for this.

  Frankie Dart : How much do you think you're going to get paid if I have to find five grand in the budget?

  Jeff Winger : You're not the new Annie. You're the new Abed.

  Frankie Dart : I don't know what that means yet.

• Elroy Patashnik : Get out of my Winnebago!

  Jeff Winger : You're not allowed to say that like it's a punishment.