- Britta Perry: Look, I know some things have gotten too simple and other things have gotten too complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country. We're the colony so high maintenance the British gave up. We're so obnoxious the French sent us a statue. Nobody tells us to shut up. And yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed, and yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties that are controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and yes, if our votes had any real power they'd be illegal.
- Annie Edison: Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.
- Britta Perry: Cancel the show and you cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back.
- Abed Nadir: [Suddenly very interested] What? Let her finish.
- Elroy Patashnik: [Speaking to the Dean] Did you forget your password again? Because I can't keep track with all the parakeets you had growing up.
- Britta Perry: We're talking about freedom of speech! It's the amendment so important it's literally the first one they remembered to add!
- Elroy Patashnik: For white people.
- Francesca 'Frankie' Dart: With penises.
- Jeff Winger: We prefer to be called "people without color or vaginas".
- Britta Perry: [Giving a press conference] The performance by Goopta Goopty Goopta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night, and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom to attend Mr. Goopta's performance. Although, as a woman, and someone with many Jewish and black friends, I will be deeply offended. I'm petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned from all campuses across America. But, one thing at a time. First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear.
- Jeff Winger: [Interjects] Case in point, am I right?
- Officer Cackowski: It's a unique case, because it's hard to decide what laws are being broken. Unless you count the lunch lady's sex life.
- [Everyone but Britta laughs loudly]
- Officer Cackowski: Thanks, thanks a lot. Anyway, our city does have a cyber-crime division, but it's well, it's pretty new. Any leads? Officer Warburton.
- Officer Cackowski: I want McDonald's.
- Officer Cackowski: Wants. McDonald's. Some of you probably can't see from where you're sitting. It's literally a child in an adult sized police uniform. It's cute, but it doesn't help our situation.
- Jeff Winger: You know, what I don't want to see? Your exchanges with your life coach about the study group when we were dating. Oh, and by the way, clearly, not a life coach, and absolutely, just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.
- Frankie Dart: You two dated?
- Elroy Patashnik: This was a study group?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, Chang was our teacher.
- Frankie Dart, Elroy Patashnik: What?
- Ben Chang: That's right, and frankly, haven't been well utilized since.
- Annie Edison: You had my blood tested for amphetamines?
- Jeff Winger: You were extra jumpy last spring. We had to double check to be safe.
- Annie Edison: I don't think I'm jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood.
- Britta Perry: Oh, you gave it to us.
- Annie Edison: For that human genome project?
- Abed Nadir: We only used half of it for that. By the way, you're one percent Neanderthal.
- Ben Chang: Ew.
- Annie Edison: How can you judge anyone, light switch licker?
- Ben Chang: Like this, ew.
- Officer Cackowski: We caught the hacker. This is Ryan, AKA StringCheeseHustler, AKA Fartmitzvah, Skullandboners88, Frozensucked, Captaintitty. You don't need to know all his names. He lives across the street from the campus, and he's got something he wants to say. Don't you?
- Ryan: I'm sorry.
- Officer Cackowski: For what?
- Ryan: For guessing your school master password was changeme.
- Elroy Patashnik: Ooops.
- Ryan: How do you sleep at night, Warburton? You were one of us. You were free.
- Officer Warburton: No one's free when they're one of anything. And to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open. That's why I'm not the one in cuffs.
- Officer Cackowski: Let's go, Fartmitzvah.