Community (TV Series)

Basic RV Repair and Palmistry (2015)

Keith David: Elroy Patashnik

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Quotes 

• Dean Pelton : [Freaked out by the lack of fuel]  It's on empty! It's on empty! Like, the needle is invisible. Oh, my God! There's no needle. It's gone. It's underneath the plastic or maybe the engine tried to use it as the fuel.

  Elroy Patashnik : Oh, stop yelling.

  Dean Pelton : Well, stop being out of gas.

• Frankie Dart : No, no, no, we're not spending the night here, so what's the second option? Which I am nicknaming "Little Course of Action".

  Elroy Patashnik : I rewire the secondary battery to the engine and hope it can start it. If it doesn't, we're spending a very cold night with two dead batteries.

  Frankie Dart : Okay, let's switch the batteries, then. Good democracy.

  Annie Edison : Are we sure the secondary battery won't just die too?

  Jeff Winger : Ha.

  Elroy Patashnik : It's a possibility.

  Jeff Winger : It exists.

  Elroy Patashnik : But I'm pretty confident, because the secondary battery only powers the cabin. And we've kept the lights off and it goes without saying that we've all learned to stop charging our phones.

  [Awkward silence, as the group's smiles disappear] 

  Elroy Patashnik : Why you all looking at each other like that? And where are each of your phones now?

  [More awkward silence] 

  Elroy Patashnik : You know, I'm starting to suspect the unthinkable. Namely, that, in spite of all we've experienced, there's a cartoonish vampiric orgy of personal devices somewhere in the RV, sucking away our remaining battery. I only draw limited comfort from the fact that nobody's running to unplug anything. You know what? Say nothing. I'll just turn the light switch to the On position.

  [He flips the switch. The light doesn't come on. He finds the pile of cell phones plugged into the outlet] 

  Elroy Patashnik : [Through gritted teeth]  There is a bright side to this. Most conventional weapons don't require electricity.

  Annie Edison : Are you going to eat me first?

• Elroy Patashnik : For the love of God, stop charging your phones!

  Dean Pelton : [to the group]  Excuse me a moment.

  [Privately, to Elroy] 

  Dean Pelton : What happened?

  Elroy Patashnik : I'm not telling you!

  Dean Pelton : Fair enough.

  [Panicked, to the group] 

  Dean Pelton : We're all gonna die!

• Jeff Winger : Elroy, you got any booze?

  Elroy Patashnik : Don't go through my stuff! This isn't a bus. You're standing in my living room, kitchen, and bedroom.

  Annie Edison : Ooh, I never thought about that. And your backyard is 24,900 miles long, because it's the circumference of the Earth.

  [Slowly, realizing her guff] 

  Annie Edison : Because you have no home. Did anyone need water? What else can we talk about?

• Elroy Patashnik : [about the dean, who has locked himself in the RV]  I'm gonna go run to the other side and see if he's locked that door too. It probably undercuts my goals to announce it out loud but I'm a verbal thinker, I'm not even sure I have an idea until I say it. They should make hiking boots with a compass in the toe.

• Elroy Patashnik : I'm scaling the blanket rations inversely to the wattage of each person's phone. That way the person who killed us the most will die the soonest, which feels fair. Right, Britta?

  [Drops a handkerchief on her head]