- Koogler: No shooting in here. The first rule of Club Club is that we are not a fight club. The second rule is that if you're a hot lady, you have to have sex with me. And then there's a bunch of rules and restrictions that they've just now been adding because of the lawsuits based on that second rule, which I'm not allowed to call a rule. That was my screw up.
- Starburns: Look, I was about to take Todd out, and then we both got shot. Guy was invisible. A ghost. Uses silver paint.
- Frankie Dart: A ghost? So no name?
- Starburns: I'd call him Silver Ghost, but that's probably already taken by an indie comic book or a terrible tequila.
- Jeff Winger: I'm not playing.
- Elroy Patashnik: For a guy who's not playing, you sure are shooting a bunch of mothers.
- Jeff Winger: That was instinct. I can't help being a bad ass.
- Dean Pelton: [to Lapari] Did you do stand up? Is that how you became a custodian? Listen, man, I was there in the 90s. I did a few open mic nights. I saw what karaoke did. It wasn't cool, man.
- Dean Pelton: Greendale's custodial staff is running the underground paintball tournament probably with City College money. The people that clean Greendale don't want a cleaner Greendale, they want Greendale to be afraid of itself and reliant on them.
- Custodian Lapari: Oh, what an exciting story. We're got a real life M Night Shamalyan here.
- Abed Nadir: [Off camera] It's Shyamalan.
- Custodian Lapari: Unfortunately, as with his stories I don't anticipate yours holding up.
- Abed Nadir: [Off camera] Easy target.
- Custodian Lapari: Who's heckling me?
- [Abed raises his hand]
- Custodian Lapari: Oh, of course, it's the Indian guy.
- Abed Nadir: I'm Arabic.
- Custodian Lapari: Ow, okay, let's go with that.
- Jeff Winger: Well, Frankie's upset.
- Britta Perry: Did she break up with someone? Which gender? I don't care, but everybody else does.
- Jeff Winger: She's upset about paintball.
- Elroy Patashnik: [Pretneds to not understand the word] Paint? Ball?
- Abed Nadir: Occasionally our campus erupts into a flawless, post modern, homage to action adventure mythology, mischaracterized by the ignorant as parody.
- Koogler: Attention shoppers, there's a sale on partying in my pants aisle. Everything in my pants must go. Well, not everything, that doesn't... you know what I... -
- [Gets cut off by Abed]
- Frankie Dart: Jeff, a student just passed by me and said you shot him. With paint.
- Jeff Winger: Uhh... Okay.
- Frankie Dart: So, you are definitely not playing paintball?
- Jeff Winger: Frankie, I've been cool up until now, but I gotta tell you, I'm starting to get offended by your suspicion about this.
- Frankie Dart: Well...
- Jeff Winger: Well is a hole in the ground when you're thirsty. I'm telling you, I ain't playing no paintball.
- Jeff Winger: All right, so we lay low, and we try to find out who Silverballs is.
- Annie Edison: But we're not... To be clear, we did not vote on that name.
- Dean Pelton: Here's a name you don't have to vote on. You just became the Secret Dean Force. The Dean Boys. Task Force Dean. His Dean's Secret People. I know the word "Dean" is in it.
- Abed Nadir: You've probably heard about a mysterious player using silver paint balls. Well, look at these IP addresses.
- Jeff Winger: If that means what I think it means, we're dealing with gibberish.
- Dean Pelton: He's right, Jeffrey. A cleaner Greendale? That's like a healthier cigarette!
- Jeff Winger: Yes, a carrot stick. Frankie can make us a carrot stick.
- Dean Pelton: We're tobacco.
- Jeff Winger: No, we are not tobacco. We are Robert Downey Jr. He was so high he was crawling into people's windows. Now he's Iron Man. We self-destruct like this because we'd rather be heroes and villains than just kind of sucky people that need to work a lot at getting less sucky. She will forgive us. I know her, I like her, and if she fires either of you, I'll quit. She's not the enemy, she can help us. We just have to cool it.
- Abed Nadir: You know this game is being run anonymously through an online server, but who set it up? They haven't left a clue, which is a really big clue. Because if they're this good at anything...
- Britta Perry, Annie Edison: Why are they here?
- Abed Nadir: And the Pope looks at the giraffe and says I'm in the room.
- [beat]
- Abed Nadir: Sorry I can't remember the whole joke.
- Jeff Winger: That's okay. It sounds very funny based on the last line.