Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

Happy Holiday's Edition (2013)

Tobey Maguire: Tobey Maguire

Quotes 

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : [counting down until interrupted by Tobey]  You don't countdown, it's my show.

  Tobey Maguire : [teaching Zach how to countdown until a show airs]  You don't go 3,2,1, you go 3,2...

  Tobey Maguire : [points to Zach]  Then throw it to you.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [whispers to Tobey and covers his mouth with his notes]  You have to keep your fucking mouth shut because I'm filming the show, this is the Christmas spectacular ok?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the camera]  3, 2,

  Tobey Maguire : [points Zach] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the camera]  Happy holidays everyone, I'm Zach Galifianakis and this is the happy holidays edition of "Between Two Ferns." I'm your host Zach Galifianakis, I'm here today with two special guests, Samuel L. Jackson.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tobey]  You're Tobey?

  Tobey Maguire : [nods and looks at his cue cards] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Mr. Jackson, I'd like to say congratulations for starring in the best "Die Hard" movie ever.

  Samuel L. Jackson : It's called "Die Hard with a Vengeance."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [intentionally insulting Sam]  I meant the "third" Die Hard movie ever.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tobey]  Have you ever been to an English pub and yelled out "this Cider House Rules"?

  Tobey Maguire : [amused, shakes his head]  No.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Sam]  You've had the highest grossing film total of all time, is that why you agreed to be in "Turbo"?

  Samuel L. Jackson : Yeah, I mean I don't eat snails but I like them.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tobey]  I had your good friend Emmanuel Lewis on the show recently.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [referring to his role as Spiderman]  I only bring it up because you both played "Websters"...

  Tobey Maguire : I don't know Emmanuel Lewis.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [referring to Spiderman shoots webs from his wrists]  But you get it, he played "Webster" and you're a "webster."

  Tobey Maguire : Yeah, I don't know him.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [referring to the dictionary]  You can look it up in Websters.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Sam]  When did Hollywood become such a fucking... , everybody's got to be a superhero now?

  Samuel L. Jackson : Everybody apparently.

  Tobey Maguire : [to Zach]  Only heroic people.

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : [referring to a super hero movie]  They asked me to be one.

  Samuel L. Jackson : [Zach clears his throat]  Which one?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Fat Albert.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Sam]  Do you know which I get at my deli? "Snakes On a Plane" bagel.

  Samuel L. Jackson : Really? What's on it?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Just snakes, nothing on the bagel.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [reaching behind the fern to his left and takes out two DVDs]  I got you guys a Christmas Gift of a movie, "film" I was in called "The Campaign."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Sam, tosses the DVD to Sam but Sam drops it]  But that "film" which has a black guy in it, I play a guy named Marty Huggins which is a great character to research and "get into" as an actor.

  Samuel L. Jackson : [to Zach]  I do like the "movie" though.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Thank you, I thought you would, it's a great "film", it's a "film" that I did.

  Samuel L. Jackson : First time I saw it, I was on a plane.

  Samuel L. Jackson : [reading the comments from movie critics on the cover of the DVD]  "Captivates the audience..."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [interrupts him]  Were there snakes in it? I'm forgetting...

  Samuel L. Jackson : [interrupts him in return]  There was nothing else on so I had to watch it before I knew it...

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [interrupts him in return]  It's a great "film"...

  Samuel L. Jackson : [interrupts him]  I found some laughs.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : It's a political sat... , I don't know if "satire" is the right word but it's something I did with Ferrell and Ferrell's a great guy.

  Samuel L. Jackson : [tosses the DVD back to Zach] 

  Tobey Maguire : [signs his name on the DVD, hands it back to Zach]  Here you go.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [sarcastically]  Thanks.

  Tobey Maguire : No problem.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the camera, feeling insulted by both of them, puts the DVDs behind the fern]  I'd like to thank Samuel "LL" Jackson and "Tobey" and happy holidays everyone, singing Little Drummer Boy is Arcade Fire.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [raises his fist to Sam] 

  Samuel L. Jackson : Oh, now you want to give me a "pound."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Sam as Sam walks off the stage laughing]  Black power.