Jimmy Kimmel: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Self - Host : So we were talking a lot about what happened in Paris and the situation in North Korea: you tweeted something that was another controversial topic. Its good your coming back to work on Friday. You said Bill Cosby's lawyer keeps saying the stories are old and discredited and we know what stories your referring to except nobody knows the part were they were "discredited." It's unusual for a comedian to go after another comedian

  Bill Maher : I never thought he was funny. That's the beginning of it

  Self - Host : Is that true?

  Bill Maher : Absolutely true

  Self - Host : Really?

  Bill Maher : I have a list of people that never made me laugh: Danny Thomas, Red Skelton. I could go down the list and Bill Cosby, and some of my close friends in comedy, are huge Bill Cosby fans

  Self - Host : Yeah

  Bill Maher : We've had this huge argument for years, I feel totally "vindicated"

  Self - Host : I don't know this would "vindicate" you but go ahead it's your opinion

  Bill Maher : But anyway, look I think when you're a public figure, you are absolutely a target. We are all just sitting "out there," by the way, they referenced you on the Newsroom

  Self - Host : Why are you pointing at me? What did I do? I did, I heard that

  Bill Maher : Did you hear that? Which was great. Aaron Sorkin did a great "takedown" of social media and how it's irresponsible of and you were mentioned

  Self - Host : I was flattered to have been mentioned in that

  Bill Maher : You should've been. I'm very weary of saying when somebody accuses somebody that it's true. So let's put some perspective in this: let's look at some other people who have been accused, Woody Allen. Woody Allen was accused by one person who had every reason in the world to hate him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, right?

  Self - Host : Which is now his ex-wife

  Bill Maher : Right, she accused him of having sex with a child and I don't think that's true because of what I just said but it "could be." We'll take that ten percent possible. Michael Jackson: awesome dancer, great song writer, "unconventional" babysitter

  Self - Host : That was going to be the title of his next album

  Bill Maher : So you know, look, he got how many accusers? Two or three?

  Self - Host : Something like that

  Bill Maher : But his so weird and he almost always spent time with children. So it's kind of hard to know, by his own mouth, he said "you know it's charming to be in bed with children." He said that

  Self - Host : Yeah, right

  Bill Maher : So I don't know. What I think happened was a little "grabby grabby" under the covers which is wrong. That is a crime to "grabby grabby" but it's not like what the Catholic priests were doing

  Self - Host : [to the audience after a few of them boo]  you just heard about this?

  Self - Host : [to Maher]  a lot of them are here on vacation

  Bill Maher : And it is a crime and I always say let's put that in perspective because when I was twelve years old, I was once brutally beaten on the playground by two bullies. One held me down and the other just punched me in the face and if I could trade that, if I could go back to 1968 and trade that experience from gently masturbated by a pop star, I would do it in a heartbeat. Frankie Valli could jerk me off, Creedence Clearwater Revival could jerk me off, Marvin Gaye could jerk me off, The Drifters, not the group, just "a" drifter would still be better than being punched in the face. So Woody Allen: one accuser

  Self - Host : Uh huh

  Bill Maher : Michael Jackson two or three

  Self - Host : Alright

  Bill Maher : Bill Cosby, we do not have a number high enough. I mean people say he deserves his day in court: do we have enough time?

  Self - Host : He doesn't want a day in court

  Bill Maher : [Impersonating a court bailiff]  Your honor let's present accuser four hundred and sixty five and then the stenographer would like to say a few words because she was groped on the way in. and did this man ever meet anyone that he didn't grope and these are women who don't seem to have a reason to lie about it, there's no money...

  Self - Host : [Interrupts him]  well, that's not necessarily true because a lot of them seem to be represented by Gloria Allred, who you know is in league with the devil

  Bill Maher : Now

  Self - Host : Yeah, yes

  Bill Maher : I mean I heard there were four more today. I'm wondering where the number is going to end up. I'm just saying I think we should be very careful about accusations but when there's if there is this much "smoke", there has got to be a "fire" somewhere

  Self - Host : Have you invited Bill Cosby to be on your show?

  Bill Maher : [Sarcastically]  yeah, that would happen soon, I heard today his going to get into therapy but it doesn't look good because he asked for a therapist with big tits

  Bill Maher : [to the drummer after he performs a sting percussion to acknowledge his joke]  thank you very much, I think I deserved that