Bill Maher: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : We had some other controversy on this show last time we were on two weeks ago, and I promised I would address it. Two weeks ago, I did a New Rule on our Internet "Overtime" segment about someone named Zayn Malik, who I'd never heard of until that day, but who had apparently just left the boy band One Direction. Well, the PC police, as usual, read way more into the joke than was actually there, so tonight we're unveiling a new segment called "Explaining Jokes to Idiots."

  [laughter and applause; Bill gets out of his chair and approaches a nearby monitor] 

  Himself - Host : So, I'm gonna re-show the joke in question and we'll stop the tape periodically to explain what's going on. Roll 'em.

  [the tape starts] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: Zayn...

  [stopping the tape] 

  Himself - Host : Ah, stop right there. Let me say about this: "New rule" is merely a framing device for the purposes of comedy. New Rules are not legally binding, are not actual regulations, and do not carry the force of law. Back to the tape.

  [the tape starts again] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: Zayn Malik can just go ahead and quit One Direction for all I care. I mean, whatever.

  [audience laughter as the tape stops] 

  Himself - Host : You see, the audience is laughing here because I'm taking on the attitude and dialect of a twelve year old girl, when clearly I'm not a twelve year old girl; I'm a twenty-eight year old man. Roll tape.

  [the tape re-starts] 

  Himself - Host : But I think after all we've been through, I at least deserve the common respect of being told face to face.

  [the tape stops] 

  Himself - Host : Okay. For you comedy students out there, this is called "milking the premise". You see, now that I have the audience believing I care deeply about what happens to the band One Direction - me, a twenty-eight year old man - I take it even further and imply that Zayn and I have a personal relationship. Oh, gosh, what am I gonna do next? Let's see.

  [the tape starts] 

  Himself - Host : Just tell me two things, Zayn: which one in the band were you?

  [the tape stops] 

  Himself - Host : Okay. Here, we get to what we in the comedy business call the old switcheroo, where my previous sentiments are revealed to be sarcastic and we unveil that in reality, I have no idea who this guy is, nor do I give a shit. And I don't. I was a teenager in the '70s; my idea of a boy band is Crosby, Stills & Nash. In fact, I was calling Zayn "Zyan" in rehearsal because we had it spelled wrong. But our staff caught it before showtime. It's called fact-checking, Rolling Stone. Look into it.

• Himself - Host : All right, now here comes the final punchline in what we call the "topper".

  [the tape starts] 

  Himself - Host : Which one in the band were you? And where were you during the Boston Marathon?

  [on the tape, a picture of Zayn is shown side by side with a picture of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev] 

  Himself - Host : Now, notice how the crowd was shocked at first, but in just a few seconds they were cracking up and applauding. That's because they're not idiots and they understand, or "get", what the joke is: that they look alike. That's it! They look alike. Their facial features are quite similar, which is humorous because one is a murderer and the other is in a boy band where they only murder the music. Now, it turns out Zayn Malik is a Muslim, but neither I nor anyone on our staff knew that. How could we? The whole joke is that I don't know who the fuck he is! I don't know his religion or his birthday or his favorite food because I don't spend every waking hour obsessing over teenage boys like a Catholic prie... I mean, a twelve year old... like a twelve year old girl. And by the way, if you are a twelve year old girl, you have every right to be upset, because you're twelve. But for all the respectable media outlets who covered this story when you could have spent time and space on real news that needs reporting, you are not only traitors to journalism; you are, in the truest sense of the word, twelve year old girls.