Mother's Day (I) (2016)

Jack Whitehall: Zack

Photos 

Quotes 

• Zack : My girlfriend is American, but she is desperate for our child to have a British accent. That's all she wants. She won't talk to our child, seriously. I have to read to Katie every night. All the other kids are watching Sesame Street. Our baby is sat down in front of Downton Abbey. You notice I say "girlfriend," five years, we're still not married, and, boy, have I asked. It was a struggle enough to get her to update her Facebook profile from "single." I was like, "Five years, we have a child together. "Couldn't you at least make it, 'it's complicated'?" And it makes it awkward, though, like, how do you introduce each other? When I introduce Kristin, I introduce her as the light of my life, the song of my soul, the mother of my child. And she introduces me as her roommate.

• Zack : So, does anyone in here have a baby? No, obviously you don't. You're here having a life.

• Zack : [baby cries]  No, don't cry, stop crying. Five grand at stake. Mate, would you mind holding her for a sec? What's your name, pal?

  Tiny : Tiny.

  Zack : Tiny, if you don't mind me saying, you look like you have a very welcoming bosom. May I rest my child on it?

  Tiny : Sure.

  Zack : Just for a sec, thank you.

  [baby stops crying] 

  Zack : I mean, I don't know whether to be pleased or just deeply offended. How did you do that?

  Tiny : I'm soft, like a couch.

  Zack : Please, will you come and live with us? I'm deadly serious. I haven't slept in a year. I'll take the couch. My girlfriend's very attractive.

  Tiny : Can your girlfriend take the couch?