Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Garfield the Movie (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, Joel Coen, Ethan Coen

Quotes 

• [in the movie, when Jon locks Garfield out of the house, Garfield responds by singing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, it's a musical now? Fuck you.

  [fast-forwards past this scene, until the singing ends] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So Tony the Tiger's Taint accidentally knocks over the world's most accident-prone room, leading to Jon putting him outside. Oh, wait. He puts the cat outside? That's really fucking dangerous.

  Garfield : You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Garfield]  Yeah, I'm too lazy to destroy a house, but not have several dance sequences!

  Garfield : You can't keep me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal!

  [Jon shuts the door, locking Garfield out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Garfield]  Thanks for the lack of collar, by the way, in case I get lost. You're a seriously terrible owner.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Nermal, not in any way resembling his cartoon counterpart, pops up]  Who the fuck is that? Um, I'm sorry, maybe you heard me wrong. "Hangs out with Nermal!" You're - you're really going with this, huh? This - this really is Nermal? Last time I checked, Nermal was said to be the world's cutest kitty cat. He was innocent, he had a soft, high-pitched voice, and Garfield resented him for how adorable he was. Here- well, you got that he's a cat! Yay! Fucking well done! You looked at the back of a DVD box! It makes even less sense, because Garfield doesn't have any reason to hate him. He's not cute, he's not a kitten, he doesn't really do anything that annoying, and yet, for some reason, Garfield puts him through this implausible mouse trap stunt.

• Nostalgia Critic : Garfield is a great character. In many respects, he's kind of immortal. Much like the Looney Tunes or Mickey Mouse, even when he's not funny, we'll still watch him because he's timeless, and will last forever. That's how good a character he is. THIS in no way represents any of that!

• [in the movie, Odie dances on his hind legs at the dog show, which everyone sees as amazing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I guess it IS kind of amazing! I mean, can science explain this? A dog on his hind legs? It just never happens! I mean, fuck the butt-ugly cat that can do karate moves, dance and live beyond any realm of reality. No, no, THIS DOG IS ON HIS HIND LEGS!

• Nostalgia Critic : He finds Odie, only to discover the owner is using an illegal collar to control him. And...

  [looks at a door, which has the Presidential seal on it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... also works for the President of the United States. Um... how does that work?

  [cut to President Obama making a speech] 

  President Obama : We had to make a deal with Iran to get more electric collars. Now... some of you might see this as... uhhhh, controversial... but... but Bo needs to stop wetting the bed.

  [Odie is heard barking, but Obama shocks him with the electric collar] 

  President Obama : See? Pays for itself.

• Nostalgia Critic : Coens! I just wanna say again, I am so thankful that you're having me star in your latest movie. I mean, where did you get the idea to have me play an egotistical, lazy jerk?

  [the Coens stare emotionlessly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : God, I see where you guys get your gift for dialogue. Anyway, I just want to say thank you so much again. I know you didn't just cast me in this role because I have a studio and I'm letting you use it for free.

  Ethan Coen : We don't really care.

  Nostalgia Critic : That clearly shows when you directed "Ladykillers".

  Frances McDormand : [as Ethan takes her under his arm]  Hey, Joel! Great work on the shoot today, sweetie.

  Joel Coen : I'm Joel.

  Frances McDormand : Oh. I'm sorry, I always get you two mixed up.

  Ethan Coen : We don't care.

• Garfield : You know, Nermal, I think it's time I sent you to Abu Dhabi. In a box.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Garfield's CGI]  By God, is that hideous. Not only is he sinfully ugly, but the CG is so bad that I actually think the hand drawn commercials from the past look more convincing. He looks like Grumpy Cat if she was shit out by Chester Cheetah.

• Garfield : Got milk?

  Nostalgia Critic : [after a pause]  Wow... You were really proud of that one, weren't you? I mean, that wasn't like a side joke, or something you said under your breath, you made sure everything went quite... to deliver that incredible zinger.

  Garfield : Got milk?

  Nostalgia Critic : BAM! It's a thing that's said and now you said it! It worked on so many levels. Hey, hey, I got one.

  [clears throat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Got any idea what the fuck they were thinking when they made this God awful PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE!

• Nostalgia Critic : [after Garfield falls out of a building into a Lasagna truck]  Dead. Let's have a moment of silence from the audience. Oh, wait, you're watching Garfield. There's been nothing but moments of silence from the audience!