- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Andy, stop whining and be grateful that Haley likes you. She's a stone cold ten and you're a Utah seven!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [on their disastrous musical performance the year before] The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.
- Cameron Tucker: Nicknames like Screeches and Herb, Simon and Godawful, Nickelback...
- Mitchell Pritchett: But we're going to redeem ourselves this year. We have been rehearsing our new number for months and we will debut it at the cabin as a special holiday "Screw you!" to the family.
- Phil Dunphy: Sit.
- Andy: Mr. Dunphy, I...
- Phil Dunphy: It's not your turn to talk. That's my daughter and you're engaged to someone else. If this is a fling, it's over, you understand me? But if this is something real, you need to be honest with Beth. It's time to step up and be a man.
- Andy: I understand.
- Phil Dunphy: Let me tell you something: life is like a mountain road, with a new adventure around every corner.
- [pause]
- Andy: Wow.
- Phil Dunphy: [grins] Right?
- Andy: Did you just come up with that?
- Phil Dunphy: I did.
- Andy: [caught fooling around with Haley] Yeah, we were just looking for dinner napkins.
- Manny Delgado: Where? In her shirt?
- Phil Dunphy: Claire... life's like a mountain road, with a new adventure around every corner.
- Claire Dunphy: If that's the slogan for the stupid coat, I'm going to kill you.
- Joe Pritchett: Snow?
- Manny Delgado: No, that's a leaf.
- Alex Dunphy: It's hotter here than at home!
- Claire Dunphy: Gloria, in your little daily emails, you said it was going to be cold.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's what my phone said.
- Jay Pritchett: [looks over] You're on Celsius!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh.
- [changes the temperature settings]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's going to be hot, guys!
- Fig: How could they abandon me? I'm the most caring one in the family. I warn them about cancer, I buy their fat kids clothes in aspirational sizes, I invite them all to my dogs' funerals... last one ran straight into traffic.
- Fig: What are we looking at?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Snow! Our miracle for Christmas.
- Fig: That's not snow, that's ashes from a forest fire. If you're quiet, you can hear screaming.
- Claire Dunphy: [to Jay] I gave up a three day trip to Cabo to close that Best Western deal.
- Phil Dunphy: That's right, you owe her twenty-five margaritas!
- Claire Dunphy: Phil...
- Phil Dunphy: Twenty-one!
- Claire Dunphy: Twenty-one!