- Milky Marvin: My megaphone, please.
- Waitress: I think you mean your moo-gaphone.
- Cinema Snob: No, I mean the megaphone. That's just stupid what you said.
- [first lines]
- Cinema Snob: Well, I'm just gonna say right off the bat... that I don't think this movie was made for me.
- Rosalie Rosebud: My jet won't be able to take off with a balloon wrapped around its tail.
- Cinema Snob: Yes, it can.
- Cinema Snob: They just got all the balloons. I think their adventure is over... unless, something terrible happens.
- [imitating Oogielives]
- Cinema Snob: n'yoh, no, deese are da wrong balloons.
- [as himself]
- Cinema Snob: AH, GOD DAMN IT!
- Toofie: J. Edgar never lets us have such big milkshakes.
- Cinema Snob: Well now they're just stealing lines from Boardwalk Empire.
- Cinema Snob: The Oogieloves are made up of Goobie, who likes scientific things.
- Goobie: And pickles.
- Cinema Snob: Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal.
- Cinema Snob: It's their pillow Schloofy's birthday - that's a sentence I just said - and he seems to be suffering from some form of sleep paralysis.
- [Schloofy coughs up feathers]
- Cinema Snob: What the fuck? Did he just puke out his own intestines? That's horrifying!
- Cinema Snob: Their Hoover vacuum is returning with the party balloons, and his name is, no joke, J. Edgar. Get it? Hoover? J. Edgar? Kids LOVE old FBI references.
- Windy Window: All you have to do is ask: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Windy Window, what do you see?
- Cinema Snob: Asking that implies that I give a shit about the answer.
- Zoozie: She said Bobbly Wobbly went out for a wobble.
- Cinema Snob: A wobble is when you see how many weeble-wobbles you can shove up your ass before you feel like you have to sit down.
- Cinema Snob: Hey, kids, you lose something and a stranger driving a truck has it? Talk to them.
- Zoozie: [communicating with a bird] Squawk! Squawk-a-doo. Squak-a-dee.
- Cinema Snob: And act like a fucking idiot when you do it too.
- Cinema Snob: And then after a child saw this, a crack-head later flashed them, to which they responded to him by saying "Goofie Toofie, pick up your pants." And then they died.