- Jay Pritchett: If, six months ago, you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show, I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up."
- Cameron Tucker: [falls in bathtub] My head hurts. And my arm.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I'm never taking a bath again!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, great. Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.
- Manny Delgado: [reading school newspaper] "After his performance in 'The Sound of Music, ' Christopher Plummer went on to a distinguished acting career. After Delgado's performance, I expect he'll go on to a distinguished plumbing career."
- Cameron Tucker: This is the most pain I've ever been in in my life. And a horse once kicked me into an electric fence.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [with bicycle] Thought we could go to the park tomorrow and you could finally learn.
- Luke Dunphy: What pavement tastes like? I don't think so.
- Cameron Tucker: We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting on this bike.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What's the rush? She's 8 years old.
- Cameron Tucker: Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.