- Stewie Griffin: My sled has Dora on it because my parents got it at a yard sale. It... it's still for boys though. She's about language acquisition, not gender.
- Chris Griffin: Dad, look! Santa's here!
- [gestures to a mall Santa]
- Chris Griffin: I wanna sit on his lap.
- Peter Griffin: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
- Chris Griffin: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
- Peter Griffin: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!
- Peter Griffin: And that's the story of the Christmas I would never forget, until I went home and had 50 beers and did forget, but not until after screaming myself into a blackout as my family held me down.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas. Like the Little Drummer Boy when he got really into Neil Peart.
- Peter Griffin: All right, come on now, pal, seriously, who are you really?
- Santa Claus: I already told you, I'm Santa Claus.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, if you're Santa, then what did I ask for for Christmas when I was 12?
- Santa Claus: Nothing. Because it was the year you found that Penthouse in the woods.
- Peter Griffin: [gasps] You really are Santa! Am I really heavier than you? I-I got to, I got to take control.
- Santa Claus: Look, I'm not very happy with you. You can't go around in that suit pretending you're me and acting like a complete jackass.
- Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? People love me. They give me free stuff.
- Santa Claus: No, they love me. You're just exploiting my brand for personal gain and destroying my reputation.
- Peter Griffin: So there's, like, no toilet on the sleigh, so you're, you're just, you're just crapping in people's houses, right?
- Santa Claus: You're not hearing me. Stop wearing that suit, or else.
- Peter Griffin: Or else what?
- Santa Claus: Or else I will put you at the top of my naughty list.
- Peter Griffin: You know, you're not talking to a little kid anymore, so get the hell out of my face, Santa. I like this suit, and I'm keeping it. Now, if you'll excuse me, you're standing in my strip club spaghetti. I got to get this home to my family for supper.
- Santa Claus: You better watch out.