- Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, during your traditional college Christmas party with rave music, drinks and public domain cartoons for toddlers...
- [said cartoon is the "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" cartoon of the 1940s]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as college student] Hey, everybody, quiet down, this fucker's playing "Rudolph"!
- Nostalgia Critic: It is true, we have a fascination with jerks. Perhaps because they do and say what we want to do and say but we don't because we have too much of a conscience. Jerks, dickmunches and buttholes have been popular for years whether we boo them as the antagonist, laugh at them as the losers, or even cheer them on because we find that shred of humanity that we inspiringly connect to. And then there's jerks who have none of that, but were eye candy for tween girls, so we gave them a holiday movie. Johnathan Taylor Thomas, or JTT, as I refused to call him then, and proudly refuse to call him now, was a bit of a heartthrob for a short amount of time. Acting as the middle child in "Home Improvement", Thomas left his hit series to pursue a career in movies resulting in... I think movies. Yeah, most of them didn't do very well. But the one many claim to be his crowning achievement of UGGGH is Disney's "I'll Be Home For Christmas". Appearing on many "worst Christmas movies ever" lists, this film suggests it's fine to be kind and generous to others, but first, you gotta ask, "What am I gonna get in return?" Well, definitely not ticket sales, as this movie film so bombed they haven't even released a Blu-ray of it. And keep in mind this is a world that allows this...
- [shows a Blu-ray of "Mordecai" is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: ... to have a Blu-ray. But we have a habit of looking at the worst of the worst, so why break Christmas tradition? Let's take a look at what nobody put on their resume.
- [in the movie, Jake's dad tells him that he has never been home for the holidays since his mother died and they should be a family again]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Dad] I know it's difficult, but the Mouse just doesn't like mommies.
- Mickey Mouse: [his shadow looming over the room] Is that a mother I hear on the phone?
- Nostalgia Critic: No, no, just a distressed adolescent going through an arc!
- Mickey Mouse: Hmm...
- [Jake's father tells him that if he can make it home by Christmas Eve, he will give him a Porsche]
- Nostalgia Critic: Yep, you're hearing this right, folks. Our main character is going home for Christmas because of a bribe.
- [Jake accepts the deal and fantasizes about driving the Porsche, while the Critic scowls; meanwhile, the animated Grinch comes into the room]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hey, Mr. Grinch. What are you doing here?
- Grinch: I just wanted to say this guy's an asshole!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, yeah, he's pretty bad.
- Grinch: [walking off] Such an asshole.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Jake is prepared to leave for home to get a Porsche] But, that also doesn't stop him from making it look like he's going home to see his family in front of his girlfriend. But it gets even better: it looks like her family also happens to live in the exact same neighborhood as his! I'm... so glad they both got accepted to the same out-of-state college that they both applied for after high school. But what can I say? Dickhole University is pretty popular.
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Jake's father] Best dad of the year, or best dad of all time? Or fucking enabler? You pick.
- Nostalgia Critic: [answering his phone] Hello?
- D-Bag: [on the phone] What's up? I'm D-Bag!
- Nostalgia Critic: [irritated] Just get it over with.
- D-Bag: What?
- Nostalgia Critic: You're a character that somehow ties into the review, and you're gonna make my life a living hell, so just get it over with.
- D-Bag: What are you talking about? I'm just your everyday '90s student a-hole!
- Nostalgia Critic: I knew it, and you're on your way home for Christmas, aren't ya?
- D-Bag: How'd you know?
- Nostalgia Critic: Because you're the visual representation of why everybody wants to love assholes, like in today's movie!
- D-Bag: But everybody does love assholes! It's cool to be hated!
- Nostalgia Critic: [to D-Bag] Look, just say your catchphrases for the trailer, and we can get on with our lives.
- D-Bag: Well, I did have quite a few, but... screw it, I'm coming to your place for Christmas!
- Nostalgia Critic: What? Don't do that.
- D-Bag: Yeah, you just need some time to shag with the D-Bag!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, please, even a cameo is too much.
- D-Bag: I'm heading over right now.
- Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what do I care? You don't even know where I live.
- D-Bag: I don't, but my nerdy sidekick I constantly bully does.
- Nerdy Sidekick: According to the machine's beep, the Nostalgia Critic lives precisely... here.
- [he just shows a paper with squiggles on it]
- D-Bag: Thanks, geek. Now I'll give you back your pet hamster.
- Nerdy Sidekick: Alive?
- D-Bag: Ehh...
- Nerdy Sidekick: Oh...
- D-Bag: God, I'm charming. I'll see you soon, Critic.
- [hangs up]
- Nostalgia Critic: No, you stay there, you walking trademark!
- [in the movie, a bunch of jocks prank Jake by gluing a Santa suit onto his body and throwing him in the middle of the desert]
- Nostalgia Critic: Um... is this a prank or attempted murder? I'm pretty sure this would fall under attempted murder.
- [he smiles]
- Nostalgia Critic: Which, for this character, I'm totally fine with!
- [in the movie, Jake, stranded in the desert, is harassed by a vulture]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this movie might redeem itself if the rest of it is just a road trip comedy with the vulture. He's already the best actor in the flick. I'm sure they trained him a lot better than they did Thomas.