Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.1 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : New rule: stop saying Toby Keith at the inauguration meant Trump is in touch with real Americans. It means he's in touch with drunk Americans. Toby Keith has a song literally entitled "Drunk Americans", which sure is my plan for the next four years.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He also has recorded "Get My Drink On", "Get Drunk and Be Somebody", "Loaded", "Chug-A-Lug", "Beer for My Horses", "Beers Ago", "Cold Beer Country", "Rum is the Reason", "Whiskey Girl", "I Like Girls That Drink Beer", "I Love this Bar", "Every Time I Drink, I Fall in Love", "Drinks After Work", "Red Solo Cup", "Walk it Off", "Clancy's Tavern", and "Nights I Can't Remember, Friends I'll Never Forget". I guess what I'm saying is say hello to the new director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

• Himself - Host : New rule: the pollsters who found that nine in ten Native Americans are not offended by the Redskins' name must next poll gay men to see if they're offended by the Packers.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: you can wear your faith on your sleeve all you like, but you're not a true Christian until you've bought the Cheesus Christ cheese grater.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That's right, it's real. Because as I've always said, what better way to express your reverence for the Lord than by forcing mozzarella through his face?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: artist Alexandra Rubinstein does not have to explain her new painting entitled "Thank You, Obama". We get it. When it came to women, the man put in a lot of hard work. But it took me eight years to get him on the show. How'd you get him to pose for this?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: stop trying to make me feel sad that Ringling Brothers is shutting down. Good! Don't let the door whip you on the way out.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Now let's build a wall with Quebec to keep out Cirque du Soleil. Circuses should have died years ago. If I want to sit in a tent and be bored, I'd go camping. And if I need...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And if I need to see a clown torment a dumb animal, I'll re-watch old clips of this.

  [footage of Trump at a rally with Chris Christie is shown, to raucous laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... and finally, new rule: here on Inauguration Day, in the interest of new beginnings, liberals have to stop calling Trump voters rubes and simpletons, and instead reach out and feel their pain; the pain they insist we didn't see. And there is ample evidence for that pain. Did you know that of the fourteen states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump? Trump won 80% of the states that have the biggest heroin problem, and the counties that he won in Ohio and Pennsylvania that went for Obama last time are the ones that are racked by opiate abuse. So let's stop calling Trump voters idiots and fools, and call them what they are: fucking drug addicts!

• Himself - Host : Uh... but you know what? We did it. This thing happened. They have to own it now. Let's get on with it. This transition went on too long. It was like waiting for your dog to take a shit in the rain.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This sword of Damocles hanging over my head. Let's have this happen and see what happens. Did you... did you see it all today?

  [chorus of "no"s from the audience] 

  Himself - Host : You didn't watch? Oh. Many watched on TV. Uh, I was streaming; in my pants. Oh, you could tell we're living in a completely new era, because when he took the oath of office, Donald Trump, uh, Chief Justice, uh... what's his name?

  [shouts from the audience] 

  Himself - Host : Roberts, yeah. Thank you very much. I knew it was... it's all fading from me quickly, but, uh... he said, uh, "Raise your right pussy grabber."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Which, I... I mean... right there. And... Trump; did you know this? True. Trump used two Bibles, in case the first one burst into flames.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, uh... no, then it, uh... then it was time to make the big inaugural speech, and you know, all the pundits were, before he was going on, were saying "Oh, it's gonna be classy and uplifting and unifying." At what point are people going to realize that there is no normal president inside the Trump fat suit?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That's it. That's who it is. First of all, the speech was sixteen minutes long. I... I know that sounds short, but that's over a hundred tweets.

• Himself - Host : Let's not forget amid all this hoopla that this is happening in the shadow of continuing investigations from five intelligence agencies in the United States as to whether the Russians were blackmailing, or still are, blackmailing President Donald Trump. Now, as...

  [shout from an audience member] 

  Himself - Host : Yes. As to the most scurrilous of those allegations, I just want to say, right now, about our new president, I do not believe that Trump paid Russian prostitutes to pee on each other.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I believe they did it, I just don't believe he paid them.

• Himself - Host : There are some things that haven't been around that long and we treat them like they are. One of them is the Department of Education. It's only been around since 1980. So I'm not a hundred percent sure we need a Department of Education; I know we need good education. But how did we get along with it all the way up to 1980? And it seems like education's only gotten worse since. I'm just saying...

  [audience applause] 

  Himself - Host : I would have more respect... I'd have more respect for Betsy DeVos, who obviously is just a billionaire nincompoop, who had a month... she obviously didn't know anything about the Department of Education; she had a month to bone up on it before the hearings. Couldn't even do that. Okay. I would have more respect if she just had got up there and said "I don't think this department should exist."

• Himself - Host : I have to tell you guys, all day long, everybody's been saying to me "Oh, poor Bill. You got Trump for your birthday." But what does every kid want for his birthday? A clown.

• Himself - Host : Reagan used to say that the scariest words in the English language were "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." How about "I'm Rick Perry and I'm in charge of the nukes"?

• Himself - Host : Let's reach into the bottom of the barrel and scrape up Tom Price, a man who thinks abortion is murder, that gays shouldn't get married, and that this mustache was a good idea.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Tom is a Congressman and Trump's pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services. He caught Trump's eye with his lifelong dedication to denying people health and human services. He's a member of a crackpot doctors' group who hate all forms of public health care, claim abortion causes breast cancer, and HIV doesn't cause AIDS, which could be proven, or not, by a little experiment I call "Then you fuck Charlie Sheen".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : As for the promise of draining the swamp, Tom "Name Your" Price one bought stock in a company that makes hip implants, and a week later introduced a law to benefit companies that make hip implants, which used to get you nominated for prison, but this year, everything is different. 'Cause if the crazy doesn't get all over the place, it don't belong in your face.

• Himself - Host : I have to get something off my chest about this phenomenon of white conservatives on drugs. And the numbers are phenomenal. West Virgina was Trump's best state, and in the past six years, folks there have downed 780 million hyro and Oxycodon pills; that's 433 pain pills for every person in the state. West Virginia's mascot is a dilated pupil.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : In Wisconsin, another key Trump state, between '08 and 2014, heroin deaths nearly quadrupled. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but kids, don't do heroin. It's a gateway to being a Republican.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And the thing that sticks in my craw about this is that, for decades, it was us liberals who were accused of destroying the fabric of society with our drug use. Remember the country anthem from the hippie era that put the counterculture in its place? Merle Haggard, "Okie from Muskogee"? "We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee, we don't take our trips on LSD"? Yeah, today,Muskogee - population 38,000 - has nine drug treatment centers. They should change the lyrics to "We don't share our needles in Muskogee, we don't mix our smack with PCP".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Somewhere along the line, things changed for the real Americans in the heartland who were always chastising us for undermining patriotism by being stoned all the time. Well, who's stoned all the time now? Not us. We've moved on to kale smoothies and...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...and occasional Kraft beer. Meanwhile, you've got meth mouth and are taking your dog's arthritis pills. "Live Free or Die"? More like "press down and twist". But I'm not saying, Trump voters, that your pain isn't real. I mean, it isn't, but I'm not saying that. Because if this election has taught us anything, it's that anything is real if enough people believe it is. And the good news is if the problem is drugs, well, hell, there's something I can help with. If it's one thing I know, it's how to manage a high. I'm doing it right now!

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : You Trump voters are stoned? Please. We liberals invented stoned. This is common ground. We get high and bid a thousand bucks for a Beatles lunch box on eBay? You got high and ordered a president from Moscow. But that's because you're new to drugs, so... so let me share a lifetime of wisdom and experience in getting fucked up. Things like don't mix pills and alcohol. But if you do, Oxycodone goes with white wine, and Hydrocodone goes with red. Don't drive on pills; call Uber or Lyft and have someone on pills drive you.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... this is very important: always have a wingman, someone to say "cool it" or "you shouldn't drive" or "don't put that in your mouth". Woody Harrelson once pulled me away from a long conversation with a Christmas tree I swore was Elton John.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Also very important: you're doing the wrong drugs. Stick to stuff that comes out of the ground. Look... Jesus... 90% of you are farmers. You grow, fertilize, harvest, eat, and for all I know fuck your own crops. You never thought to smoke them?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And most important: ignore the asshole across the bar who keeps staring at you. That's a mirror.

• Himself - Host : We got to get used to it; it happened. It really happened. We Americans have a new leader: Vladimir Putin.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But also, this guy Trump took some sort of oath today. And also, let's not forget that we have a new set.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Beautiful. They did a beautiful job. Such a beautiful job. No, did you notice things look different? That's because I'm coming to you now from an undisclosed location.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : In fact, I'm not even Bill Maher. I'm the new Pope.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : No, uh... the Trump supporters are saying this election is a reckoning, and I... yeah. As in "I reckon we're all fucked."

• Himself - Host : [about Trump's inaugural address]  And it wasn't classy or unifying. It was joyless and ugly and divisive. And the theme, if I could find a theme, was "once you go black, you can go back. Mic drop." By the... and by the way, for all you racists out there, uh... if you saw that shot of the new president standing with the outgoing president and their families, the one with kids by three different women was the white one.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, uh... but then it was on to the inaugural balls, and oh, what entertainment.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : They had Lee Greenwood, Kobe Teeth. Did I mention Lee Greenwood?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... it was like "Night of 100 Stars" if 99 said no. And... the closest... the closest thing they had to a rock band was, uh, Three Doors Down, and, uh they were joined on stage by Dr. Ben Carson, who, uh, sings under the name Two Eyes Closed.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... oh, no, and... no, they also had the Mormon Tabernacle Choir; you know, for diversity.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And sixteen year old Jackie Evancho. She finished, uh, second in the voting for "America's Got Talent". Or as Trump says, "She won 'America's Got Talent'."

• Himself - Host : New rule: someone has to help me decide which was funnier: the part of the inauguration where George Bush was e... unable to put his rain poncho on or the part where Dick Cheney leaned forward and said "Jesus, you're still a dumbshit."