- Commissioner Mick Foley: Some of you may have noticed that, in general, I like to smile quite a bit. Hell, I think I've got a pretty nice smile. Unfortunately, tonight I don't feel a whole lot like smiling, because I'm not all that happy. I'm not happy with Shane McMahon...
- [the crowd jeers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: I'm not happy with the Big Show...
- [the crowd jeers again]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: I'm not happy with the events that took place last Monday on "Raw"...
- [more jeers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: And I'm especially not happy about being made a fool out of. So let's talk for just a minute about the Big Show. Let's talk about how the Big Show, for the last two weeks, called me on the phone every night and said, "Mick, I'm ready to come back. Mick, my knee feels good. Mick, I want back in. Mick, I want Shane McMahon. So, on Monday, I gave the Big Show Shane McMahon, and he duped all of us. Let's talk a little bit about another person who's not all that happy right now, maybe you saw us having a friendly conversation...
- [the crowd cheers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: I'm talking about the Rock.
- [more cheers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: The Rock told me he wants Benoit! He wants the Big Show! He wants Kurt Angle! And he wants Shane McMahon! In any combination, but I'm not gonna give the Rock a combination. You see, I'm gonna level the playing field just a little bit, and I'm going to give the Rock a one-on-one contest in this very ring tonight!
- [the crowd cheers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Where, right here in San Antonio, Texas...
- [louder cheers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: ...the Rock will go one-on-one with the Olympic champion, Kurt Angle. Now, there were some other co-conspirators on Monday night, as well, and they will see special action in a mixed-tag team contest that will see Trish Stratus and Triple H take on Lita...
- [the crowd cheers]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: ...and Y2J, Chris Jericho! But I'm not through yet, and yes, I am starting to feel just a little bit better, because we've got a six-man tag team contest, where my little buddies, Edge and Christian, will team up with the Big Show, and those three gentlemen will be taking on the Dudley Boyz...
- [a loud roar from the crowd]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: ...and Kane! And you know what? Because I'm feeling good, and because this is, after all, the birthplace of Dude Love, I've suddenly decided to exercise my commissionary powers and make that match a table match!
- [the Big Show's music hits, and he comes out to the ring with Shane]
- Shane McMahon: Mick, since you seem to be so infatuated with tables, boy, last Monday night, Shane-O-Mac certainly turned the tables around on you, oh! You see, Mick, in this arena of mind games, Mick, all you can do is wish, because Shane-O-Mac will always just be a couple steps ahead of the commish. So, Mick, consider last Monday night your first lesson in McMahon master manipulation. But, without further ado, the star of the show, I give you the 7'2", over 500 pounds, give it up for the Big Show!
- The Big Show: Thanks, baby, thanks. You know, when I was sent to hospital, when I was going through all the physical therapy and the rehab for my knee, I had one thought in my mind. That was to put my big, meaty hands around Shane McMahon's neck and snap it. I did. I did. But, you know, as time passed, Mick, as time passed, I began to look in the mirror and I began to see who was really responsible for my knee injury. Who was really responsible for me being in the hospital. You know who it was? It was me! Yeah, it was me. I mean, sure, think about it, I had a great time making everyone laugh, but the truth of the matter was I was a joke.
- [the crowd starts chanting "Big Show sucks"]
- The Big Show: Here we go. That is exactly why every one of you can kiss my ass right now! Because as I was making you laugh, as I was making fun of myself, just like each and every one of you out there, I was a damn failure! See, I was blind because I couldn't see who was really trying to help me. It wasn't you. It was Shane. It was Kurt Angle. They were trying to keep me from being a moron. They wanted me to be all that I could be. And, you know, ever since I came to the WWF, since I first walked down that aisle, or came up through this ring, I've been trying to find out who I am. What am I about? Well, I'm gonna tell you what I'm about, Commissioner Foley. I am the biggest, nastiest bastard to ever set foot in the WWF, and I am damn proud of it!
- Trish Stratus: You know, I was thinking, since Triple H has left, I don't really see a need for a match tonight. I mean, it's just not fair. After last night, my body is aching all over.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: [pretending to be enamored] Oh, I know it is, snookie lumps.
- Trish Stratus: So, I think some fellow like yourself would understand, you wouldn't wanna subject a poor little me to something like that, would you?
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Of course not, poopy pants.
- Trish Stratus: So, what do you just say we call it quits on the match?
- Commissioner Mick Foley: And do something else, banana pudding pie?
- Trish Stratus: Well, yeah, we could, uh...
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Like?
- Trish Stratus: Uh, we could...
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Like, Trishie?
- Trish Stratus: I mean, we could just...
- Commissioner Mick Foley: What could we do, Trish?
- Trish Stratus: [stumbling as he gets uncomfortable close] We could talk.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: We could talk, couldn't we?
- Trish Stratus: Uh-huh, yeah.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: [dropping the act] And what would you like to talk about, maybe sexual harassment, Trish? Well, I'm getting tired of you coming in and forcing your sexuality on me, harassing me, if you will. You see, I was going to give you the night off, but I'm not gonna do that now. Yeah, Triple H has left the building, so I'm going to assign you a substitute partner, like... Chris Benoit. So you have two choices, Trishy-Wishy. Either you get out in that ring and you wrestle your little butt off, or I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment, because after all, I feel so... so violated! So, so... cheap, so... so used. So get out there and wrestle, Trish, because that's my word, and it's...
- [hammering his gavel]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: ...final!
- Christian: [wearing oversized cowboy hats] We just want to say howdy to all of our fans right here in San Antonio. As we all know, most people view Texans as big, smelly...
- [the crowd jeers]
- Christian: ...pork rind-chomping, tobacco-spitting fatties.
- Edge: Well, moving right along, we've heard the old saying, "Everything's bigger in Texas." Well, with that being said, feast your eyes on the severe massivity of our tag-team partner. He's 7-foot-4, he's 500 pounds, he's the totally big Show!
- Steven Richards: Now, I can understand that you people cannot comprehend that we have, and have always had, your best interests in mind. But after our victory this past Monday night over indecency, we have received thousands upon thousands of letters in support of our actions.
- [the crowd jeers]
- Steven Richards: And whether you like it or not, right will always prevail over wrong. For example, scantily-clad women are wrong. Lusting after scantily-clad women is wrong. And pimpin' isn't easy, it's history. And so are the scantily-clad women. Because Monday night on "Raw", a battle was won. We fought the good fight for your own good, because quite frankly, you do not know any better, and we won. Also, we have proven that our efforts are not in vain, because, ladies and gentlemen...
- [the crowd starts an "asshole" chant]
- Steven Richards: Ladies and gentlemen, it is our honor to introduce to you the Goodfather.
- [the RTC's annoying censor theme music plays, and the Godfather comes out dressed in slacks, a short-sleeved dress shirt, and a tie]
- The Goodfather: [as the crowd jeers] So I see. Once the women are gone, so is the love, huh? Steven Richards was right, I'm spending way too much time trying to ruin what's good here in the WWF, and you people cheer for it! I thought that I was fighting for your rights, but all I was fighting for was filth! Paradin' hos around... excuse me, paradin' women around as sex objects, it isn't right. I tried to play off of your lust. I was pimping just for the cheer, when I should have been trying to set a better example. Love is not for sale. Love is a gift. Love is a privilege, not a commodity. So, knowing that, I've only got one thing to say, and that is, I'm sorry.
- [the crowd boos]
- The Goodfather: Don't you people realize what you're cheering for is wrong? Never again will I contribute to the moral demise of what this great country of ours stands for. My eyes were shut so tight that I could not even see all the trash in front of my eyes. I could not see that what I was doing was wrong. I did not see what you great people can't see, and that is, is that Steven is right. The WWF will be better off, believe me, if there's no pimps, no hos, and selective censoring.