Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.7 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: if the new normal is a president who has bragged about sexual assault and walking in on naked teenage beauty pageant contestants, and who has spoken lustfully about his own daughter, and once said of a fifth grader "I'm going to date her in ten years", tell me again why someone like Eliot Spitzer is so terrible?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Elliot Spitzer, who you may recall had to go away after a hooker scandal, because when a hooker blows a politician, it puts a lobbyist out of work.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But this double standard has got to stop, where all the Democrats' horn dogs have to go live on a farm, but the Republican hound is allowed up on the furniture in the Oval Office. So Spitzer wanted to bust a nut. So what? He also wanted to bust bankers and insider traders, and did. If he were a...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : If he were a Republican today, what he did could totally be spun. Dating call girls? Please. He was providing struggling millenials with a living wage.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He wasn't cheating, he was having alternative sex.

• Himself - Host : Republicans are so much more practical about this stuff. They think Trump's flaws come with the territory when you hire an alpha male. Trump does things which appall people, but they also admire the balls of it. Even after Pussygate, his attitude was still defiant. "Yeah, I say hello to people by grabbing their pussies. What about it?"

  [pantomiming shaking hands] 

  Himself - Host : "Hi, Don Trump. That's a nice, firm snatch you got there."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean... compared to that, Spitzer is a choir boy. And rehap... rehabilitating him would send the message that Democrats are serious about what is important and about winning. In...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : In fact... actually, a guy whose big crime is that he got a hooker doesn't even send that message enough. Which is why we need... this guy.

  [a picture of Anthony Weiner is shown, to audience laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, Anthony Weiner. Yes, another Jew who likes to pork.

  [groans and laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Hey, you want to win or you want to go home?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You want the chicken dinner or what? Balls, I'm telling you. We need balls. And I'm sorry that the good ones are usually a little too full of cum. But they are. We need *our* loud-mouthed, kick-ass New Yorker who's up all night on social media.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Hey, you know what? At least when Weiner is playing with his phone at 3:00 a.m., he's looking for love. Trump is starting a Twitter war with the Lands' End catalog.

• Himself - Host : Let's not forget that Weiner fought like a pitbull for liberal causes, and could have been the voice of the party if not for a mistake he made one time. Okay, two times.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Three. What does it matter how many times?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [sound of a phone chiming]  Oh, shit. He did it again.

  [laughter] 

• Himself - Host : But you know what? That same primal force is why he was such a badass Congressman. We don't have the luxury anymore to mess around with milquetoast Democratic politicians who don't move people. Tim Kaine is a nice guy, but he's the kind of boring beta male that's made the Democrats the designated driver party. As ridiculous as Trump is, he does come off as an alpha. That's why he paints his face the color of a baboon's ass.

  [raucous laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It shows dominance. So, if Trump... if Trump is indeed the new normal, if it's now perfectly fine for the American president to be Bill Cosby with a super PAC, then Democrats have to go all-out, too. And that means Spitzer, and that means Weiner. And by the way, next time he runs, no more "Anthony Weiner". He's Carlos Danger!

  [laughter, cheers, and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Fuck, yeah! Own that shit! Carlos Danger, a Latino Jew.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Tanned, rested, and fully erect at all times. And restoring Weiner - I mean Danger - that would send the message. Although, wait... although, maybe there's still someone even worse, and by worse, I mean better. John Edwards.

  [groans] 

  Himself - Host : That's right, John Edwards. I... yes, I know. Left a sick wife to have an affair with Peter Frampton.

  [laughter as pictures of Edwards and Rielle Hunter are shown] 

  Himself - Host : And... and that was wrong. That was wrong, but Edwards also is the one who made health care the issue it became for the Democrats in 2008. So, yes, what he did was horrible, but the heart wants what it wants, and what the heart wanted, apparently, was Peter Frampton.

  [laughter as pictures of Hunter and Peter Frampton are shown] 

  Himself - Host : I just... I still don't get that. And, yes, the whole thing was disgusting, but so is openly humiliating your first wife, the mother of your children, while you romance your future second wife in public. But again, Trump's supporters just make a different calculation. They say "No, I don't like cheating and pussy grabbing, but hey, this ain't a friendly fight. This is a battle for the soul of the country." And it is. And since it is, Democrats should be allowed to put our alpha pervs back on the board.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Especially since the Democratic Party has a proud tradition of excellent horny presidents. FDR. JFK. LBJ. And of course, "How 'bout a BJ?".

  [laughter as a picture of Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky is shown]