Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.8 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Thank you, thank you, thank you, and happy St. Patrick's Day!

  [cheers] 

  Himself - Host : All right...

  [a woman in the audience shouts "we love you!"] 

  Himself - Host : Thank you very much. Did-did you already drink yourself sick?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : So un... so unnecessary now that we have a president who makes you wanna puke all the time.

• Himself - Host : The White House celebrated St. Patrick's Day by slashing green energy, uh... and everything else that's good in the budget. Did you see the budget? Oh, yes, it takes all the... they put out their new budget, the Trump budget, takes away all the money from scientists and teachers and human rights workers and Meals on Wheels and Muppets...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And gives it to the people who really need it, the defense contractors. If-if... if only there was a way to get the F-35 to run on coal, it would be a perfect budget.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... yeah, 'cause coal... oh... Hey, "We're gonna put the coal miners back to work." That's what Trump...

  [covering his face in embarrassment] 

  Himself - Host : What the fuck is... you know, that's what he goes around the country saying every day. "We're gonna put the coal miners..." That's what passes for good news in this administration. "You're going back down in that toxic hole."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And as they're lowering them in, "And-and then we're gonna take away your healthcare!"

• Himself - Host : This week, we finally found out what TrumpCare is. You know, the whole campaign, he was talking... "Something terrific."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Remember? It's gonna... "I'm gonna replace it with something terrific." He would... there's so many quotes of him saying "It's gonna... everyone's gonna be covered. Everybody... it's gonna cost you a fraction..." A fraction! A fraction of the old one, and better coverage! Wow, that is quite a deal. Everybody, fraction, better coverage? "People are gonna wanna get sick, this plan is so good."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "You are gonna wish you had a tumor just so you could go to the hospital under my plan." Now we see what the plan is...

  [laughing with the audience] 

  Himself - Host : Surprise, 24 million people lose health coverage and the rich get a giant... giant tax cut. This is the new place we're living in in America. Uh, Meals on Wheels, the new budget director said "Not showing any results." You mean other than not killing cripples?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And veterans and older people? Uh, old people, you know, 3,200, uh, jobs at the EPA are going to be cut under this new budget. Remember during the campaign, Trump was always saying "What do you have to lose?". This stuff.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Life as we know it.

• Himself - Host : The budget director also said about the new budget that the after-school meals program, gone. You know, I've always said this, you want Republicans to care about kids, you're gonna just have to jam them back in the uterus.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Climate change research. Th... for years, they said "Well, you know, climate change. Needs more study." Now, zero. They made a point: zero dollars, zero cents in research for climate change; the great challenge of our time, and they're like "Nothing. Nope." This is like if your car was breaking down and your solution was put black tape over the "check engine" light.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Uh, cutting PBS out. I mean, most people look at "Sesame Street" and they see a show that educates children; Trump sees a show where a landlord is being forced to rent to black people.

• Himself - Host : And that's just the policy part of our national nightmare that we are living through every week. You know, there's two parts to this; there's policy, and then personality.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Personality, because, uh, hours after our last show a couple of weeks ago, President Crazypants...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...started tweeting about how Obama tapped his phone at Trump Tower, based on nothing. Nothing! That's the great thing about having tiny hands; it's easier to pull stuff right out of your ass.

• Himself - Host : And even though Obama himself has said this is bullshit, the wiretapping, and our former National Intelligence Director said that, the FBI Director said that, Speaker of the House said that, the chairman of the House and Senate Intelligence Committee, and the Senate, from both sides of the aisle, said this. Trump addressed all these doubters today. He said "Well, I saw someone say it on Fox News."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Really? That's what he said? "I saw someone say it on Fox News"? What... what has to happen before Republicans...

  [directly to the camera] 

  Himself - Host : What has to happen, Republican *patriots*, before you act? Does the president have to get naked, roll around on the White House lawn, start eating the grass and going "Vroom, vroom, I'm a lawn mower!"?

• Himself - Host : And Trump said this today in front of Angela Merkel, did you see that? She had a look on her face like "How I long for the days when I got creepy shoulder rubs from George W. Bush."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And then, oh, that was a great meeting with Angela Merkel; he-he... he obviously hates her, and of course, he's so good at hiding this stuff. He... they were sitting there, and the people are shouting "Don't you want to shake hands?", like every president has ever done in every photo shot.

  [in a haughty tone] 

  Himself - Host : "No." No, he didn't... "Fuck her. No, I'm not gonna shake her hand."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And then after the meeting, you know, he tweeted "Lousy meeting with German chancellor Barney Rubble. Low energy, unattractive, didn't even wanna make me pop a Tic-Tac."

  [laughter and groans] 

  Himself - Host : Don't start groaning; I'll go fucking nuts on you today. You can see, I am right on the edge here.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Do not fucking push me. We're supposed to be on the same team. Don't be part of the problem. No, this is driving... it's not just me; it's driving us all crazy, right? Please tell me it's not just me.

• Himself - Host : This is the craziest administration ever. They think the microwave oven is filming them...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...but during press conferences, they don't seem to realize they're being broadcast on TV. By...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And... "I saw it on Fox News." By the president's own admission, all he does all day is watch cable news, which is nothing but commercials for Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Abilify. Don: pick one!