Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.10 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Tomorrow's April Fool's Day. Are you planning something? I love April Fool's Day, the day where we try to fool people by telling some outrageous lie.

  [scattered laughs] 

  Himself - Host : Or... or as Trump calls it, tweeting.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... oh, let me tell you, he can try to tweet his way out of this Russia story, but this shit ain't going anywhere.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : The Cold War, remember the Cold War? Well, it is back. With... with one small difference. Uh, the old Cold War, the White House was on our side.

• Himself - Host : I mean, there's so many strands and smoke to this Russia connection. But I guess the big headline this week is Michael Flynn - we had him on our show; I don't know why he came here, but he did - uh... he was the National Security Advisor for a hot minute. And, uh... he... he is asking for immunity, to sing.

  [rubbing his hands together eagerly] 

  Himself - Host : I cannot wait to hear what he has to sing. But this is the... immunity... this the guy who led the chants at the convention, "lock her up!". And he also said "anyone asking for immunity is probably guilty." So...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : You know what, Mike? If you think Hillary's a bitch, try karma.

• Himself - Host : This Russia story, thank god Congressman Devin Nunes is on the case.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Have you seen this guy? The dumbest thing to come out of California since Dianetics.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean... now, last week, Nunes, who's head of the House Intelligence Committee, which... almost cruel to give him that title.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He went behind the back of the committee, you saw this, to run over to the White House to back up Trump's bogus claim that Obire... Obama wire tapped him. Trump asked him to do a job, he did it. The bad news? He lost all his credibility. The good news, he just won "The Apprentice".

• Himself - Host : So that was last week. This week, we found out the information that Nunes told the White House, he learned at the White House.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That's right. Nunes says he needed to go to the White House to tell them what he learned from them the day before.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : From three White House staffers, who told Nunes "This thing I just told you, come back tomorrow and tell us."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : These people are such clowns. You... you know who the person in the whole fucking ecosphere of Trump I respect the most? Melania. The only...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : The only one with the common sense to say "Fuck this. I'm staying in New York. I don't want to go anywhere near this dumpster fire."

• Himself - Host : And speaking of dumpster fires... this is so sad, but you know, when you... elections have consequences. This week, Trump ordered the EPA to dismantle all of Obama's efforts to combat global warming. Mileage standards for cars, gone. Ban the use of the *phrase*. You can't even *say* "climate change" anymore around the White House. Signed an executive order, he was "With all the coal mining executives and the coal miners. Oh, we're gonna bring back coal. We're gonna bring back your jobs." What the fuck is it with Trump and coal miners?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Do... do they have a video of him getting pissed on?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But... you know... coal. When... when Obama was, you know, channeling money and funds to green energy companies, Republicans were always saying "Oh, he's picking winners." Yeah, at least he was picking winners from the future!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Not picking winners from the 19th century. It's... it's like saying "We got to get those Blockbuster Video clerks back in... back to work. Gotta get them back in the store."

  [straightening his tie] 

  Himself - Host : I'm so upset, my tie is crooked.

• Himself - Host : I mean, even corporations - yes, corporations - are speaking out against Trump's climate policy. Levi's, Staples, The Gap. Exxon!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I'm not kidding. M&Ms. M&Ms said "It's gotten so bad, our product melts in your hand."

• Himself - Host : Trump is also feuding with his own party. You know the Freedom Caucus? Used to be the Tea Party; now it's the "Freedom Caucus". They're the ones who scuttled his health care bill last month. Oh, man, they're... they're... they're at loggerheads. And the, uh... the Freedom Caucus is twenty-nine white men, and they are very conservative. They do not approve of Trump's pussy grabbing. They believe in handling a woman's gentials through legislation.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : They are... they are *very* conservative. They...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : I am sure they did not like what happened yesterday in North Carolina. Did you see that? They repealed their bathroom bill which restricted transgender people...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : ...from going. "Pee at last! Pee at last! Thank Almighty we can pee at last!".

• Himself - Host : But here's my favorite story of the week. You know, remember when Trump said about health care "Nobody knew. Nobody knew it was so complicated"? Okay, apparently this is a theme now. It also applies to the wall that they're gona build along the Mexican border. "Nobody knew." They identified, just now, a new problem, tiny problem. They just found out that 889 miles of the border is the Rio Grande River, which we share with Mexico. And if we build the wall on our side, we're giving them the whole river. Oops!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And yet... and yet his approval rating is still 35%. I... I don't know who these 35% are, but can we build a wall around them?

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: if you get up every day and try to make Donald Trump's ludicrous and dangerous pronouncements sound normal and sane, you are an enabler. Twenty years from now, when your kids ask you, over a glass of Soylent Green...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ..."What did you during the Trump years, daddy?", you don't want your answer to be "My job was to go on TV and pretend Trump didn't say what everybody just heard him say."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : That is an enabler, and that word is not a compliment. We've heard it a lot with celebrities; Elvis had his Memphis Mafia. Michael Jackson had a doctor who never said "Gee, Mike, your nose just fell off again. Maybe cut back on the plastic surgery."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Bill Cosby could not have pulled off...

  [groans and laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Bill Cosby could not have pulled off forty years of, oh, let's call it extreme dating.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Without various underlings who funneled women his way and paid them off, to say nothing of the guy who supplied the horse tranquilizers and never once said "Wow, Bill. That is one nervous horse you have there."

• Himself - Host : One of the great enablers of fiction is Max, the sycophantic manservant to the delusional Norma Desmond in the classic movie "Sunset Boulevard", now a Broadway show.

  [as he talks, a clip from the movie is shown, showing Norma descending a staircase] 

  Himself - Host : And especially timely, because it's about an aging, unstable drama queen who is able to maintain a fantasy world because even though Norma Desmond is pure, around the bend batshit nuts... like I say, timely.

  [the clip switches to Donald Trump descending on an escalator in Trump Tower] 

  Himself - Host : ...she has Max there, and he keeps the world... real world far out of sight. In the plot, Norma Desmond is a faded movie queen, a silent film star of the 1920s, but now she hasn't worked in thirty years, but she still thinks she's big. Because Max... Max goes into the basement every night and writes fake fan letters to fool her into thinking that people still love her. Is that really any different than this guy...

  [a picture of Devin Nunes is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...pretending to have intelligence that backs up what his mad boss tweeted at three in the morning? Or the way Trump's handlers keep sending him to rallies where he only has to see the people who tell him he's doing great, just like it says on his hat?

  [scattered laughs and applause] 

  Himself - Host : I'm sure last week, when Trump's health care bill went down in flames, he was surrounded by enablers who all nodded when he said "I'm still big league. It's Congress that got small."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump has nothing but Maxes around him. Did you know that Devin Nunes once defended Trump by saying "I think a lot of things he says, you guys sometimes take literally."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Excuse me? We shouldn't take the president of the United States literally? Right, he's a poet. When he nukes Finland, it's a metaphor.

• Himself - Host : [showing a picture of Trump and Mike Pence]  Super Christian Mike Pence, seen here cringing from an air kiss, because you don't know how far syphilis can jump.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Mike Pence conveniently forgot the famous line from the Bible, "Thou shalt not grabbeth thy pussy"...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...when he gave Trump the cover he needed to survive Pussygate. As did Christian Jeff Sessions, who, when asked if he thought uninvited groping was sexual assault, said "I don't know. It's not clear how that would occur."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Sure, Jeff. It really depends on the circumstance. Like... like, for example, if you saw a pussy about to fall off a cliff.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You'd want to be able to grab it without political correctness getting in the way.

• Himself - Host : Enablers Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway are the West Wing's flowers in the attic.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : A lunatic locked them up, and now they're crazy, too.

  [footage of Spicer's press briefing about the attendance at Trump's inauguration] 

  Himself - Host : Well, that's pretty good ass kissing. But Reince Priebus, you can do better, can't you?

  [footage of Priebus defending a tweet of Trump's] 

  Himself - Host : Exactly. Because who can picture Trump and not think accuracy in tweeting? And have you seen this psycho?

  [a picture of Stephen Miller, Trump's senior policy advisor, is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Who will not only blindly repeat anything Trump says, no matter how crazy...

  [footage of Miller talking about Trump's alleged claim of voter fraud is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...but is such an ass licker, he licks the ass of people who lick Trump's ass.

  [footage of Miller defending Sean Spicer is shown] 

  Himself - Host : You know, without these professional liars and deniers, there's no Trump. It takes a village to help a man-child stay in power.

  [as he talks, a picture of Trump in the Oval Office with his staff is shown, followed by a picture of Adolf Hitler and a group of Nazis] 

  Himself - Host : And the excuse "I'm just doing my job" is starting to sound an awful lot like "I was just following orders."

• Himself - Host : New rule: if you have a Trump bumper sticker on your Prius, we get to revoke your driver's license.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Because here who... here's who should not be behind the wheel: the terribly confused.

• Himself - Host : New rule: now that the TSA rolled out new airport pat downs that they describe as more thorough and may involve an officer making more intimate contact, they must allow tipping.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And the next time an agent does this...

  [a clip of a TSA agent patting down a teenager is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...to a thirteen year old boy, he has to sing "Billie Jean is not my lover" while he's doing it.

• Himself - Host : New rule: to the New York man who handed out racist "White Lives Matter" flyers, but did not start the interview by saying "I'm not a racist, but...", and instead started it by saying "I consider myself a racist", thank you!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Finally, a self-aware racist. Though he ruined it for me later in the interview when he said "I consider myself a toothbrusher."

• Himself - Host : New rule: the Idaho woman who last week told police that the reason she crashed into a deer was because she was distracted after seeing Sasquatch in her rear-view mirror...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...has to answer this question: is this your car?

  [laughter as a picture of the Prius with a Trump bumper sticker from an earlier rule is shown]