Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.14 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: now that the media, the White House, and political junkies have made such a big deal about the first hundred days, let's stop doing that. A hundred days? It's such an arbitrary number, like waiting a half hour to swim after you eat, or waiting for the third date to have sex, or not having a drink until 5:00.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [laughs]  Who fucking made that up? But in the case of Donald Trump, I will say this about a hundred days: it does give us enough evidence to ask those liberals who couldn't bring themselves to vote for Hillary because she was the "lesser of two evils", quite a bit lesser, wouldn't you say now?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : And no, this isn't about re-living the last election or about my great love for Hillary which never was. It's about winning the next election. And that begins with learning the difference between an imperfect friend and a deadly enemy.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Jill Stein said of her...

  [sarcastic snicker] 

  Himself - Host : ...electoral rivals, Hillary and Trump, "To me, one is death by gunshot wound, and the other is death by strangulation." Well, I'm sure with Trump in charge and a racist Attorney General, there'll be a lot more of both. My dear friend Cornell West said during the campaign "I think Trump will be a neofascist catastrophe, and Clinton will be a neoliberal disaster." I don't even know what "a neoliberal disaster" even means, but whatever it is, isn't it better than a fascist one? Have you people lost your fucking minds?

• Himself - Host : Now, I can't possibly list all of the lies, fuck-ups, reversals, conflicts of interest, and embarrassments Trump has committed in a hundred days. I'd have to stop halfway through to shave.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But honestly, under Hillary, would we have Attorney General Foghorn Leghorn?

  [laughter as a picture of Jeff Sessions is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Or Montgomery Burns in charge of the EPA?

  [laughter as pictures of Scott Pruitt and Burns are shown side-by-side, with their fingers tented in a similar manner] 

  Himself - Host : Or Rick Perry guarding the nukes?

  [laughter as a clip of Perry on "Dancing with the Stars" is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Would she have a Cabinet made up almost entirely of rich, straight, white men? You know, Hillary, she knows quite a few black people. Trump knows two.

  [laughter as a picture of Trump with Ben Carson and Omarosa is shown] 

  Himself - Host : I'm sorry, three.

  [raucous laughter as a picture of Frederick Douglass is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, and we also might have a Secretary of Education who was smarter than a fifth grader.

  [laughter as a picture of Betsy DeVos is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Before the election, Edward Snowden tweeted "2016: a choice between Donald Trump and Goldman Sachs." Yeah, so, what happened? The anti-Wall Street crowd that was too pure to vote for Hillary ended up putting Goldman Sachs people as Trump's top political strategist, the head of his economic council, and our Treasury Secretary. The trifecta. The only people he hasn't hired from Goldman Sachs are Goldman and Sachs.

• Himself - Host : If Hillary was president now, would we be turning the clock back on the one issue for which there is no more time, climate change? Would we be having to wonder if our president's love of dictators foreshadows some kind of coup here? Would anyone have to wonder if she was Putin's bitch? And instead of trying to kick millions off healthcare to pay for a tax cut for herself, she'd be trying to raise her own taxes to get more people covered. On so many issues, she wouldn't be complaining "It's complicated. Who knew?". She knew.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : She loves complicated. She's a

  [ironic air quotes] 

  Himself - Host : "reader".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Do you really think if "just as evil" Hillary had been elected, conservatives would now be in control of the Supreme Court, as they will for decades? Just wait until the 5-4 decisions start rolling in, gutting unions, making it harder for minorities to vote, siding with polluters, overturning abortion rights. Then maybe you'll join me in saying to the liberal purists "Go fuck yourselves with a locally-grown organic cucumber."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And I haven't even mentioned the insulting, the feuding, the whining, the tweeting, the family. Would she want her spouse to be living hundreds of miles away... okay, that one might be true.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And if none of that has swayed you so far, how about this: if we elected Hillary Clinton, finally we'd have a president who didn't play fucking golf.

• Self - Host : New rule: Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin need to move on to the next speed date.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : Clearly, this one is not working out at all. Then again, Putin doesn't want to have a mature relationship with a smart, powerful woman; he wants a bitch.

  [laughter and applause as side-by-side pictures of Putin and Donald Trump are shown] 

• Self - Host : New rule: DJs like Daft Punk, Deadmau5, Marshmallow, and Cassette, who wear helmets when they perform, have to take them off. You may not be the best-looking rock stars ever, but if Axl Rose, Iggy Pop, and Marilyn Manson can go onstage without a mask, so can you.