Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.15 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : I think we're all thinking the same thing: TGIF.

  [whoops from the audience] 

  Himself - Host : After a week of "WTF?".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean, they're all bad, these weeks, but this one seems like there was, like, a year's worth of news that was stuffed into... so let's just start at the beginning, okay? The president fired the FBI director, the man who was investigating him. How'd you like to be able to do that?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : A cop pulls you over, "'You're under arrest, sir.' Oh, yeah? You're fired."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "What do you think about that?". And the way he did it, of course, Trump can't do anything without doing it like a little bitch.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : We're one minute into the show, I've lost my mind already. Pace yourself, Bill. This... but it's true. Instead of calling Comey up like a real man would do and telling him, or in person, no, he sends his albino assassin.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : With a letter that says "You are hereby terminated and removed from office effective immediately." Sincerely, Vladimir Putin.

• Himself - Host : So, that was on Tuesday. All the next day, Trump has his surrogates go out there and say "Well, this was all very routine. The president simply lost confidence in Director Comey's ability to mislead."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "And, uh... it came down to a character issue." Yeah, Comey had some.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And... get...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : Get this. The main reason, they said, that Comey had to go had nothing to do with Russia. It was all about how unfair he was to Hillary.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This insulted Sarah Palin's intelligence.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : 'Cause, you know, if there's one thing Trump will not abide, it's badmouthing his dear friend Crooked Hillary.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Do not lock her up! Do not lock her up." Remember they were chanting that? "Do not lock her up." Yes, I remember.

• Himself - Host : So... so Trump has his people tell this story about Hillary and about how the... he was just accepting the recommendation of the Attorney General, and then yesterday, he goes on Lester Holt's show and says "Nope, it was me. No, it was all my idea. And not only was it all my idea, but I did it for the reason you think. To... to stop the investigation." He *said* this! He said it out loud. He said "When I decided to fire Comey," quote, "I said to myself 'This Russia thing with Trump'" - himself in the third person.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "'This Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made-up story.'" Putin must be in the Kremlin going "Bullshit."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "It's, uh... time to deactivate his microchip."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He... he admitted obstruction of justice right there on live, national television. And the Republicans? "Nothing to see here."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Because we all now live in America Raagh. Would you like a little banana with your republic?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Can you imagine what the Republicans would be saying if Hillary was doing this? The articles of impeachment would not just be drafted, Roger Stone would have them tattooed on his back by now.

• Himself - Host : And, you know, a little over a hundred days we are in this administration, the Attorney... acting Attorney General, fired. National Security Advisor, "You're fired." FBI Director, "You're fired." Welcome to "Apprentice: Nuclear Edition".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Is... is it any wonder that people are comparing this to Nixon and the Saturday Night Massacre? And by the way, I love this, the people at the Nixon presidential library objected to this, as they should. What does it say when supporters of the guy who was so tainted by scandal that he had to resign are like "Don't bring our guy into this"?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And I haven't even gotten to the part where the day after he fires Comey, he has the Russian foreign minister and the Russian ambassador into the Oval Office, which is never done because they're fucking spies! So you don't... they're never in the Oval Office. And he would not allow American media in there; just the Russian photographer. So, to recap for you, Trump fires the chief investigator into Russia, then he invites the Russians into his Oval Office the next morning, kicks out the American media, but has the Russian state-run press there and confesses to obstruction of justice on live TV. But Hillary sent some e-mails from the wrong laptop.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, you "Bernie or bust" people. Hillary wasn't pure enough. Look what you have now. Comey, for a lot of the liberals, wasn't pure enough. Who do you think you're gonna get for an FBI director now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's probably not gonna be a black guy or a woman.

  [laugher] 

  Himself - Host : The... the administration says they're looking for somebody fair minded, independent, and Trump's son-in-law.

• Himself - Host : One of the problems, you know, we media types have every week is that we... we don't want to keep talking about Donald Trump. But, you know, you also can't not talk about Donald Trump. But I realized recently that after all the commentary, all the words printed and said every week, there's still one thing that nobody calls Donald Trump on. And... and... look, yes, sometimes I do go too far. But tonight, I'm just gonna say it. Donald Trump is fat!

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Donald Trump is fat! I mean, along with everything else, he's fat! He's a fat fucking fat fuck!

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : But... but be... you know, because he's tall and he wears these big, boxy dark suits and the giant ties and strides around like Mr. Macho Man, people see him as just robust or powerful. But he's not. He's fat!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [two pictures are shown side-by-side]  Look, here's a quick comparison. There's his ass and there's Kim Kardashian's ass.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Reality stars. Anyway, I've written a book. It's called "The Art of the Meal: 1001 Trump Fat Jokes." Would you like to hear some? Okay. Let's...

  [applause as he opens the book] 

  Himself - Host : "Trump's so fat, most of the voices in..."

  [he snickers] 

  Himself - Host : "... most... most of the voices in his head are chewing."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He's fat! Nobody says it, but he's fat! "He gets winded riding the escalator."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "The same guys he..."

  [he laughs again] 

  Himself - Host : "... he sent to get Obama's birth certificate are now looking for his dick."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Boy, is he fat. He... "He once bragged that he moved like a bitch on Mrs. Butterworth."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He's... It's a book I have. "The banks want to break him up."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : What? It's... "His Secret Service code name is 'Chris Christie'."