Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.25 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : [calming down the audience]  Hey, we're at a show! I know, it's exciting. But before we get to all that, I just have to say, you know what, I play Texas a lot. Spend a lot of time down there, I love it down there. So, they're having a hurricane, so our thoughts are with them. Hurricane Harvey has already wreaked a lot of havoc there. Trump came... came out with a very strong statement condemning the violence on both sides.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You know, this is... this is Trump's first natural disaster. The others, he all caused himself, and...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... he has a message for the people of Texas in their time of need. He stands ready to tweet if he gets any shitty coverage.

• Himself - Host : Speaking of very good deals, it looks like... it looks like, this week, did you see the "two Trumps" thing that they're all talking about? You know, General Kelly took over as the Chief of Staff a couple of weeks ago. You know, it looks like he made a deal with General Kelly that "On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I will be..."

  [he snickers, and the audience laughs] 

  Himself - Host : "... I will be Teleprompter Trump. And the other days, I'll be able to free... free to tweet crazy batshit and shout 'bullshit' at rednecks in airplane hangars." So, Monday, Teleprompter Trump made a foreign policy speech that was very normal and reassuring, and then the next day, he went to Arizona for a rebuttal.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : To... a rebuttal to himself. That's... the world we're living... and he was actually bragging about it. He tweeted the other day "Too bad for the Dems. They have no one who can change tones."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, it's called schizophrenia, dipshit.

• Himself - Host : It has gotten so bad that this week, the tabloids were describing Shia LaBeouf's behavior as "erratic, bordering on presidential."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Very serious... you know, it... it is at the point where, when he is merely hypocritical, it is reassuring. I mean, for years, he never stopped tweeting about how we had to get out of Afghanistan. "Get out of Afghanistan. How stupid Obama was to be there. Stupid Obama." Well, now we're staying.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Turns out if you like your endless war in Afghanistan, you can keep your endless war in Afghanistan.

  [scattered applause] 

  Himself - Host : And, you know, this war has been going for sixteen years. Sixteen years. Republicans, I got to say, they... they do like their war. Wives come and go, but war they're willing to work at.

• Himself - Host : So, that was Monday, the big Afghan speech. And then, uh, Tuesday, the big rally in Phoenix. Uh, the fans loved it. Uh, "Info Wars" gave it four and a half straightjackets.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And, uh, Trump was in rare form. He was blasting the fake news media for how they misrepresented his response to Charlotteville, right, and... and... and... and, hey, when people are unfairly saying you like Nazis, what better way to dispel that notion than to host a hate rally at Arizona with all white people?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That... perfect. Oh, yeah. "People keep calling me a slut. I'll show them. I'm going to the roadhouse and fuck all the bikers."

• Himself - Host : I tell, I give it to his fans. They do love him. It was hot in Phoenix; it was, like, 107. It was so hot, his fans were chanting "Jews, please replace us."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [pointing to an audience member]  Oh, that guy gets it. Uh... no, but here's my little wisp of hope for this week. At the rally, this is the first time I've seen this, his fans, they got bored and started to leave early. Maybe the magic spell is wearing off.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Because... because they're so sick of hearing the same old shit. "The news is fake", "foreigners are taking your jobs", "I'm being treated unfairly." By the time he gets to "build the wall", people are like "You know, if we leave during 'drain the swamp', we can beat the traffic."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean, when he finally started in on Hillary, they were like "Wrap it up! Wrap it up!".

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: moving forward, every previously unwritten rule about the presidency must be written down. If Donald Trump has taught everyone who ever dealt with him one thing, it's "get it in writing."

  [audience applause] 

  Himself - Host : And the American people are just the latest suckers to learn that the hard way. The Declaration of Independence starts with the words "We hold these truths to be self-evident". *Self*-evident, because the Founders assumed some things were so obviously repugnant, they would just be covered by a sense of shame. And these were guys who owned slaves. But Trump reminds us that some people will break every rule that's not specifically enumerated, from inviting Russian spies into the Oval Office to not releasing his taxes, from insisting law enforcement be loyal to him personally to maintaining a for-profit business empire while in office, we are learning nothing is just understood anymore. It's like when they write "Do not eat" on silica gel packs.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I wouldn't eat one, but apparently some people open a shipping box and say "Great, my new sneakers are here, and they came with snacks."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : When you're a babysitter, when you hire a babysitter, you write down a list of rules; no boyfriend visits, no loud music, stay out of my greenhouse.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But no one thinks they have to write down "Don't put the baby in the microwave." Well, with Trump, you do. He reminds me of that Disney movie "Gus". Remember "Gus", about a mule who's signed by a football team to be their kicker? You see, 'cause the rule book never specifically said that the players had to be human.

  [a clip from the movie is shown] 

  Himself - Host : And that's Trump.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : It is. He's the owner of a football team who signs a mule because it doesn't explicity say he can't. You think he's gonna release his tax returns just because the others did? Not as long as Gus keeps kicking those field goals. Presidents, certainly, have the right to appoint who they want to top posts, but we forgot to write down "Okay, but they can't all go to your son-in-law." Nepotism is fine if you're a junk dealer, like on "Sanford and Son". It's not fine when NATO has a conference on bioterrorism and you send your daughter the purse designer.

  [audience applause] 

  Himself - Host : American presidents, every one of them, just knew it was the right thing to divest themselves of all business holdings if they were so honored as to become president. Because we don't want a president who's got his mind on his money and his money on his mind.

  [audience applause] 

  Himself - Host : Jimmy... Jimmy Carter sold his peanut farm. George Bush sold his baseball team. Sarah Palin closed down her meth lab.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : We did not elect a swamp-draining reformer. We gave our PIN number to a Nigerian prince. There is no more "self-evident". We didn't think we had to write down "When Russians or Nazis attack America, side with America."

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : We didn't think we had to write down "Don't run your crime family from the Oval Office", "Don't threaten to throw your political opponents in jail", "Don't talk shit in front of children."

  [audience applause; a picture of Trump and Melania on their trip to the Middle East is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Don't... well, fuck, I don't even know what this is, but don't do it.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And finally, a question that is asked a lot lately is "Can a president pardon himself?". And again, we don't know, since no one ever had the balls or the bad taste to try, because Madison and Jefferson never thought the executive branch would fall into the hands of a mule that plays football! But Trump actually asked his staff. He said "Can I pardon myself?". And Steven Bannon told him "Why not? I can blow myself."