- Tick Pickwick: We are very, very lucky Her Majesty the Fairy Queen is so persuasive with the Pegasi. They can be most quarrelsome creatures.
- Margo Hanson: I smell like a horse fucked a bird.
- Fairy Queen: Actually, it was the other way around.
- Alice Quinn: I'm gonna give you one chance to leave my dad.
- Daniel Quinn: [as the lamprey] Or what? You'll kill me? You killed my family.
- Alice Quinn: That wasn't me. I don't remember what I did as a niffin.
- Daniel Quinn: Alice, I know you're lying. Your father could always tell. That little twitch you get. You murdered every one of my children because you were seeking knowledge. So, what did you learn by torturing each one of them to death, hmm? I wanna know.
- Alice Quinn: I wasn't seeking knowledge. When they died, they made pretty little lights. And when they died slowly, the lights got even prettier.
- Tick Pickwick: The Morgan Downs, ma'am, could reach the Muntjac in a week. Without magical assistance, that's the best we can muster.
- Margo Hanson: No, it is not the best we can muster! Follow me, dickholes.
- [Storms out]
- Gillen: ...Did she call us "dickholes"?
- Homeless Lady: You're missing the signs, Julia.
- Julia Wicker: What?
- Homeless Lady: I thought you'd be further along. We're going to have to push you.
- Hoop: Queen Margo, the Destroyer, my King.
- Margo Hanson: *You're* the pirate king?
- Pirate King: As King, I get to be called whatever the fuck I want.
- Margo Hanson: Fine by me. I'm here to motherfuckin' parlay, Ms. King.
- Pirate King: Maybe you and I could take a private cabin and parlay a thing or to on our own?
- Margo Hanson: Yeah, I'm hot. You're extremely hot yourself. But you just took over my goddamn boat. Which tells me you're not one to pay attention to a safe word.
- Pirate King: What's a safe word?
- Margo Hanson: Exactly.
- Stephanie Quinn: Did you know we got a tax bill for the house? Apparently, we haven't paid in 30 years. Enchantment failed, so now we're losing our home. I mean, what are we gonna do without magic? I mean, get fucking jobs?
- Stephanie Quinn: Alice, mystery is not something you can take back. And I am not gonna risk it just because you think that you stepped on some creature's magical toes.
- Alice Quinn: I didn't "step on its toes"! I *murdered* its entire family! I did experiments on them to figure out what kind of magic they had. That's what I did as a niffin.
- Stephanie Quinn: Jesus, Alice. Well, you know, we've all dealt with our share of monsters.
- Alice Quinn: You don't get it! I did that kind of thing over and over again, okay? The lamprey is not the only creature that wants me dead. It's just the one who got my number. So, I wanna be absolutely clear on who the real monster is here.
- Margo Hanson: So, um, Muntjac? I'm High Queen Margo of Fillory. Your Liege. I have a kind of problem. See, a bunch of pirates boarded you and are threatening to kill the crew if I don't order you to lie with their boat. Before this, I used to think that pirates were kinda cute in a Johnny Depp sort of way, but the fact is, the real thing is kinda dirty and fucked up in a Johnny Depp sort of way.
- [pause]
- Margo Hanson: Look I could just order you to do it, but you're clearly alive, whatever that means. You have thoughts and feelings I think. So, I guess I'm asking... What do you wanna do?
- [sighs]
- Margo Hanson: Maybe I'm an idiot for even asking.
- Alice Quinn: Who's she?
- Stephanie Quinn: That's Carol.
- Alice Quinn: *That's* Carol?
- Stephanie Quinn: Well, maybe you didn't realize that she used a lot of illusion work to keep herself looking thin. So now she drinks.
- [Turns to her]
- Stephanie Quinn: Carol? You remember my daughter, Alice. She used to be dead. Now she isn't. And it's only just now that she's decided to visit us. And she brought a cat.
- Fen: We can make our stand here. Fray, get behind me. I won't let them harm you and neither will your father.
- Benedict Pickwick: Please, Lady Fen, if we fight, they'll kill us.
- Eliot Waugh: Plus, are we super totally sure that talking to them won't work?
- Fen: Pirates take. That's what they do.
- Fray: Will you not fight, father?
- Fen: Your father is a powerful magician, but when magic disappeared-...
- Fray: Is father a coward then?
- Eliot Waugh: Father's a survivor.
- Margo Hanson: What is the problem here? I asked for two simple things. Pull up the fields, plant some goddamn mushrooms.
- Tick Pickwick: If you will allow me to "mansplain", Your Highness, the farmers are hesitant because you're asking them to throw out food and replace it with, uh...
- Margo Hanson: Inedible mushrooms, I got it. And mansplaining is a bad thing, Tick.
- Tick Pickwick: But I'm a man. Explaining. Is that not mansplaining? Perhaps you could woman-splain it to me.
- Tick Pickwick: Are the fairies here right now?
- Margo Hanson: They were. Now they've gone to tell the queen that we screwed the pooch right in the pooper.
- Tick Pickwick: ...That sounds painful.
- Stephanie Quinn: We could call the police. They could come and get him out of the house. Problem solved.
- Alice Quinn: That's a bad idea. If it's inside Quentin, who knows what he'll do? They'll end up shooting him dead.
- Stephanie Quinn: Well, you did say he wasn't your boyfriend anymore.
- Alice Quinn: [Awkward pause] Okay, but killing Quentin won't kill the lamprey. It'll end up jumping bodies, and then we're up against a possessed cop with a gun trying to kill us.
- Stephanie Quinn: I'm gonna need more wine.
- Daniel Quinn: I knew I should've bought a gun when magic went out.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: What's with the candy? You gonna summon some kind of chocolate loving demon to save my ass?
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: The scent of chocolate makes them less likely to eat us.
- [pause]
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: I hope.
- Margo Hanson: Good job, Tick.
- Tick Pickwick: Your praise is everything, but I would also like a country estate.
- Margo Hanson: Don't get greedy.
- Stephanie Quinn: We've both been in this room for God knows how long, and I have to pee. Are you really gonna stop me from doing that?
- Alice Quinn: Just go in the corner, Mom.
- Stephanie Quinn: I am not peeing in front of your father. If I had wanted that in my marriage, I would've stayed with Jean Claude.
- Asteroth: I am Asteroth.
- Julia Wicker: [Her and Kady bow] Astaroth, Demon of the Seventh Circle, Great Duke of The Inferno...
- Asteroth: Oh, no, I'm Asteroth with an E. Astaroth with an A is my cousin. You can totally stand. The whole kneeling thing's weird.
- Margo Hanson: What did you do?
- Fairy Queen: I was moved by your speech to the Muntjac; coming to her defense. So, I decided to intervene. We got what we needed from these pirates.
- Margo Hanson: What?
- Fairy Queen: You stood up to them. You were a queen. That's who I need you to be. The next time they don't plant a field of mushrooms for you, remember this room.