- Det. Meredith McCarthy: You look like a cruise ship got torpedoed with Liberace's corpse.
- Sonny Shine: I don't know who you are. But I'm not interested. Who let you in here?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: [flashing her badge] Backstage pass.
- Hailey Hansen: Santa's coming! Santa's coming!
- Nick Sax: I don't wanna ruin Christmas for you, but there comes a time when every kid has to face the truth...
- [aiming his gun as Very Bad Santa approaches]
- Nick Sax: There ain't no fucking Santa Claus.
- Nick Sax: [breaking into the Gimbel Brothers department store] And here we are yet again.
- Happy: Come on, Nick. This way.
- Nick Sax: I want to remind you, we're here on the word of a sock puppet. I mean... this whole thing just seems a little sketchy to me. What I'm saying is, this, uh... so-called intel source of yours, you sure he's on the level and not just blowing powdered sugar up your ass?
- Nick Sax: So you're telling me that this door leads to a dark, subterranean lair right underneath Gimbel Brothers where Shitty-Pants Santa, whose neck I'm gonna break when I find that son of a bitch, took my kid? And I am fully aware that I am talking to a unicorn, but I gotta tell you, even my credulity has its limits.
- Sonny Shine: I've gotta be on stage in a few minutes. It's the Sonny Shine Wishtacular. I'm sure you've heard of it. We raise millions for disadvantaged children.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: You can go on stage, wiggle your ass and twinkle your toes for all your adoring fans. And then I'm gonna drag you off in cuffs on live television. It'll be as shitty as you looking right into those cameras and telling the whole world there ain't no Santa Claus. I know you'll be out before the ink dries on your arrest report, but you'll be walking out to a wasteland formerly known as your career.
- Sonny Shine: Hmm. This Hansen woman, is this all you're asking for really?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: For now.
- Sonny Shine: You should stop by my tower. You might find her there. I can't speak to her frame of mind. Okay, you found your way in, now find your way out.
- Nick Sax: [freeing himself from a bear trap] Oh... I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Thought I finally got rid of you. Anyway... you know, if I were you, I would take advantage of my new reputation. Lay low for a while. Hear California's nice.
- Nick Sax: California? It's not my kind of dirty. Besides, I hate avocadoes.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Where you going?
- Nick Sax: Eh, I got a date.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Oh...
- Nick Sax: Gonna... I don't know, go out to Coney Island, grab some ice cream.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: It's winter.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, I'm new to this. What do I know?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: All right, well, if that's the case, you might wanna slap a little aftershave on. You smell like you murdered a hooker.
- Nick Sax: [smelling his fingers] That obvious?
- Hailey Hansen: Happy, you look different. How come I can see through you?
- Happy: It's because... well, you're growing up, and you have your daddy now. And someday, you'll forget all about that silly horse.
- Hailey Hansen: But you're my best friend. Even if you are imaginary. Why do you have to go?
- Happy: Well, that's how it is with imaginary friends. We can't stay forever. Otherwise, it can get a bit... you know, creepy.
- Nick Sax: Come on, Sax, you got this. It's a movie. You just... sit down and... and... you don't even have to talk.
- Happy: Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
- Nick Sax: [jumping back in surprise] What the hell?
- Happy: Talking to yourself, buddy? People are gonna think you're shit-house cray cray.
- Nick Sax: Why are you here?
- Happy: Nick, I can't abandon you in your darkest hour. What kind of partner is that?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: How's your kid holding up?
- Nick Sax: She'll be all right. She's tough. Like her mom. You know, this world may not be all glitter and tinsel, but there are few people in it that make it work. You're one of 'em. You know what you did, right? You gave me my daughter, Mer. You're my hero.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: You don't get to take that one back.
- Nick Sax: I don't want it back.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Good. 'Cause I'm keeping it.
- Nick Sax: All right, keep it.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: I will.
- Very Bad Santa: I'm the spirit of Christmas. I've walked these rooftops for a long time. The only thing that can hurt me is magic.
- Nick Sax: Hocus pocus, motherfucker.