Comedy Central Roasts (TV Series)

Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis (2018)

Bruce Willis: Self

Quotes 

• Jeffrey Ross : Bruce.

  Bruce Willis : Yes.

  Jeffrey Ross : You've accomplished so much, buddy. But I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon"...

  [cheers] 

  Jeffrey Ross : ...that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career. 'Cause in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, and I wish you continued success, good health, and I can't wait to see your next project, "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes".

• Nikki Glaser : Bruce.

  Bruce Willis : Yes.

  Nikki Glaser : This is, uh, honestly, a real, uh... a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD you kinda just find on the street.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Obviously, you had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know; I've never seen a single one of your films consenually.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Like, it's always what some guy puts on while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. Do you know what I'm saying?

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element" and it wasn't because I'm a dumb girl, but because it's hard to follow that plot when you're fighting off a roofie and there's a knuckle inside you. You know?

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Just me? Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense", though. I loved... and the ending, when the guy came in my eye and I didn't have to watch the rest of it? That was great.

• Bruce Willis : [Last lines]  Die Hard... is NOT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie! So yippie-ki-yay to every one of you motherfuckers! Goodnight!