Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)

The Therapist (2019)

Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jake Peralta : [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea]  Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.

  Terry Jeffords : What are you...

  Jake Peralta : Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.

  [Beat] 

  Jake Peralta : Bowling.

  [Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball] 

  Jake Peralta : Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.

  Charles Boyle : Beautiful.

  Jake Peralta : Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!

  Rosa Diaz : [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles]  Bam!

  Charles Boyle : Bull's-eye!

  Jake Peralta : Booyah!

  Elderly Eastern European Woman : Babushka!

  Jake Peralta , Terry Jeffords , Charles Boyle , Rosa Diaz , Elderly Eastern European Woman : [Beat]  Babushka!

• Charles Boyle : Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.

  Dr. Frederick Tate : Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.

  Jake Peralta : Title of your sex tape.

• Jake Peralta : Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.

  Hitchcock : I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.

  Jake Peralta : Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

• Jake Peralta : Oh, that guy looks like he's wearing a skin mask over his own face, so I'm guessing it's Dr. Tate.

  Charles Boyle : He has a normal man's face, Jake.

  Jake Peralta : Yes, he does have a normal man's face, stretched out over his own face, because he is a Hannibal.

• Charles Boyle : Why do you think Dr. Tate's the murderer?

  Jake Peralta : He already knew where the bathroom was. He's clearly been here before.

  Charles Boyle : Well, he probably just guessed, because it's obvious.

  Jake Peralta : This is New York. It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refrigerator.

• Jake Peralta : [Pretends to be a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome]  Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.

  Dr. Theresa Moore : Is it Tatiana?

  Jake Peralta : Who now?

  Dr. Theresa Moore : The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone? May I speak with her?

  Jake Peralta : Uh...

  [high-pitched British accent] 

  Jake Peralta : Yes? Hello, Doctor. I'm from Wussex.

  Dr. Theresa Moore : Is that an actual place in England?

  Jake Peralta : How should I know? I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.

  Dr. Theresa Moore : Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana. Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from Central London?

  Jake Peralta : [In a male British accent]  Cheers, I'm Brian. I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London. Did I tell you a full list of my many personalities when I called you on the ol' telly, innit?

  Dr. Theresa Moore : Yes, you did.

  Jake Peralta : And are any of 'em, hopefully, not from England?

  Dr. Theresa Moore : There's Geoffrey. You said he's Australian.

  Jake Peralta : [In an Australian accent]  Aww, crikey.

• Jocelyn : [Jake pretends to be Garrett, a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome]  Well, Garrett, our time is up. Shall we pick up here next week?

  Jake Peralta : No, I can't go. There's still someone left inside that wants to talk.

  Jocelyn : Do you mean Satchel, the "gentle African-American man who was born in 1908"?

  Jake Peralta : Oh, no. You know what? Satchel probably shouldn't come out right now. Or ever, for that matter.

  Jocelyn : Garrett, I can only help you if you open up.

  Jake Peralta : [sighs] 

  [deep voice] 

  Jake Peralta : And then Dufresne escaped through the tunnels of Shawshank Prison. He was my friend.

  Jocelyn : Are you just doing Morgan Freeman?

  Jake Peralta : Ah, yes! You calling me on it just gave me a major breakthrough. I'm cured! Anyway, deuces, Doc!

• Dr. Frederick Tate : Now, I'm sorry, but our session is coming to a close. I guess I'll have to bill your widow.

  Jake Peralta : Wow, that is cold-blooded, but I got to hand it to you, it's a pretty dope kill line.