jheisel Reviews

The Onion Movie (2008)

This was bad.

[3/10 · 13 June 2008]

I have been following the Onion since I was a high school student driving to Madison to get its forbidden fruits.

This "movie" was completely horrible.

It had to happen, I suppose, given the paper's popularity, but this film is uninspired and perhaps the worst thing you would ever see.

..Assuming you have a sense of humor...

There was not one funny line in this "film". Hitting Youtube on random would yield a better result.

If you have already grown sick of the Onion's repetitive headlines, you will find nothing of value here.

Push (I) (2006)

Awful

[3/10 · 31 October 2006]

Horrible cardboard acting. Silly plot line. The characters are obviously idiots who should know better -- even if they moved the initial 500 hits of ecstasy at $40 a piece, that's still only $20k. Minus whatever the boss' cut is, there's no way they could live as large as they seem to be. This film is a total joke -- basically an after-school special with swearing. I couldn't find myself caring about any of the characters or their problems. How anyone thought this movie was a good idea is beyond me. How it actually got made is even further beyond my comprehension. The 10-star review by indiefan looks to be from someone associated with the production...I can't imagine anyone else who could appreciate this.

Slipstream (2005)

Turn it off at minute 77

[5/10 · 11 September 2005]

There are a lot of things that are wrong with Slipstream, a time travel movie with a cool enough concept. But its faults are forgivable til about 78 minutes in (I checked), when it all goes to hell. You know, the cliché scene where the computer geek's gear is totally broken but he somehow makes it work. The babe says "you need firewire?" (does anyone really use a phrase like that) then KISSES THE GEEK and it's been seen so many times before it is just a laugh. Anyway, it's watchable to this point and a complete joke beyond it. Sean Astin and Vinnie Jones in a bizarre space time continuum flux! How can you not watch? 5.0, above IMDb's 4.1.

Fascination (2004)

Decidedly un-thrilling

[3/10 · 14 August 2005]

Someone probably should have told the producers/directors of Fascination that a thriller is, by definition, supposed to be thrilling. Instead, this movie contains one of the funniest opening sequences ever: a buff older dude goes out for a swim, then on his way back to shore, a wave knocks him into a rock, his head hits with a big CRACK, and he drowns. Opening credits roll, with the unintentionally funny "Based on a screenplay by ..." two writers getting a chuckle out of me. Especially when it was followed by "Written, Produced and Directed by Klaus Menzel". Anyway, old dude's wife quickly remarries, throwing her son (Kangaroo Jack voice Adam Garcia) into a bit of a tizzy, which is only resolved when he meet new hubby's daughter, and they get their sex on. A series of unlikely events happen -- the best of which is Garcia and his lawyer buddy exhuming the former's father to perform a toxicology test -- and Garcia's suspicions of the new husband keep mounting. Like many other movies I have watched recently, this would probably make for an enjoyable enough afternoon on TBS/TNT/USA/etc. I honestly think that movies like this need to have their monotony broken up by commercials. Interestingly, this was not a made-for-TV move, but rather an MGM-financed $5,000,000-budget big-screen flop that opened on 10 screens nationwide and grossed a lot less than its budget. How much less? 1/10 would've been nice, but not even close. There are some sexy sex scenes though, so it's not all bad -- Alice Evans is a babe wicked stepsister. I would give it a 3.5 basically for that, but the end of this movie totally blew (even following what came before it), and right before the credits roll there is a joke (I assume it's a joke!) ad for Garcia's character's first album, ballads based on his pseudo-incestuous relationship with his sister. That brings this movie into solid 2.5-3.0 territory -- IMDb says 3.7, so hey!

Under the Influence (2002)

A bit bland to watch on DVD -- worth catching on cable

[5/10 · 14 August 2005]

Under the Influence was not a good movie. But something about it keeps it compelling enough to avoid turning off. I would imagine that this is even more true if you were to see it on a lazy Saturday afternoon on cable -- the occasional interruptions for commercials would break up its plodding monotony, making every 15-20 minute block of film interesting enough. However, in one 90-minute chunk, it's a little on the bland side. The film tells the tale of an insurance scam gone wrong -- someone dies, the cops get called, the lawyer filing all the fraudulent claims starts to crack under the pressure. Into this tale, you throw a bombshell-y foreign actress and some slimy thugs. The movie plods along slowly, and the actors all give wooden performances with very little emotional interest. What's worse, is the sound is kind of bad -- almost every time someone speaks, you hear a buzz in the background. 5.0, compared to IMDb's 7.1.

Monkeybone (2001)

Not bad, but could've been much better

[5/10 · 7 November 2001]

So after months of not watching Monkeybone on pay TV, I finally bit the bullet -- 2.30AM, nothing else was on. The movie starts out on a pretty flimsy premise, but once Brendan Fraser goes into a coma the plot becomes somewhat interesting and more importantly the graphic/set designs are simply incredible. Unfortunately, rather than make this an interesting movie about a psyche of a man with a hellish nightmarish side and a fun-loving cartoonish side to him, the movie decides to have the Monkeybone character inhabit Fraser's body on Earth. Antics -- unfunny -- ensue, as does a plot to poison people with nightmares. Anyway, the film is graphically impressive, especially when the action is taking place in Downtown. The plot, however, seems a bit misguided and lame to me.

Tomcats (2001)

WORST MOVIE EVER

[1/10 · 6 October 2001]

Okay guys. Seriously. Not joking here at all. I came home somewhat drunk tonight with the sole intention of catching Tomcats on Pay Per View. For some reason this seemed like a good idea [see: alcohol consumption]. Anyway, it was only on one channel, and had started thirty minutes ago. Perhaps I missed something in those crucial first thirty miniutes, but in the sixty-five minutes or so I *did* see, I can only say that this was the stupidest nonsensical worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. So please, do yourself a favor and avoid this movie at all costs. Even the outtakes weren't funny. Seriously. Please. Whoever greenlighted this movie should lose their job. There are no alternatives. Please pray that noone involved in the making of this movie ever works again. Thank you.

Bring It On (2000)

I didn't expect much, and this film delivered!

[4/10 · 4 April 2001]

Low expectations are often a great thing. I was flipping through the channels tonight and since Bring It On was just about to start, I figured I might as well start watching it. I mean, hey, cheerleaders, right?

Anyway, the plot is somewhat interesting as an idea, but while I never found myself bored, I never found myself fully interested in the story either. BIO is the sort of movie that just whizzes by and before you know it, it's done.

That said, some of the cheerleading scenes are very well choreographed and I'll definitely be watching Nationals for the uh, athletic skills of these young women. Yeah.

Romper Stomper (1992)

Obviously this is popular now for its star, but it deserves more...

[8/10 · 4 April 2001]

Romper Stomper is enjoying renewed interest due to the current fame of its star, Russell Crowe, but the movie stands on its own regardless.

Crowe plays the leader of a violent group of racist skinheads, who are upset over Vietnamese immigrants in their neighborhood. There are quite a few clashes, a love story, and betrayal all wrapped up in a disturbing package.

While watching Romper Stomper I found myself sympathizing with at least one of the racist characters, even though my views are far from his -- it's just that well written and acted.

There aren't a lot of surprise in this film, but the surprises that exist are truly interesting and plausible. This does not mean that the movie is cliche and boring, though -- it presents its ideas in an interesting fashion with well-written and directed acting.

SLC Punk! (1998)

Great portrayl of punk rock idealism growing up.

[7/10 · 30 December 1999]

A friend of mine had been recommending this movie to me for quite some time, so I finally went to the video store and rented it today. Upon returning home, my brother said "SLC Punk!? That movie sucks!" So, with conflicting opinions, I popped it in the VCR. From start to finish, the movie was pretty good. SLC Punk told the story of Steve-O and Heroin Bob, two punks in Salt Lake City in the mid 1980s. They believe in anarchy and chaos and attempt to live the lifestyle. Steve-O fights with his upper class upbringing throughout the entire film, while Heroin Bob seems to rise above his lower class past. Although the movie moved slowly at times, I was ultimately pleased by it, and it made me think about myself a lot, as I drew some parallels between myself and Steve-O.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

Do you think one joke repeated endlessly is funny? If so, see this!

[3/10 · 16 December 1999]

When I paid my money to see this movie I knew it would be bad, but I had no idea it would be this bad.

DB:MG has a very thin plot with characters you barely care about. Each character has his/her own joke, and they repeat it every time they appear on screen. Often, the jokes are at the expense of handicaps and there is one character who you are supposed to laugh at because of the gay overtones. Wow, what FUNNY stuff.

Although bad, DB:MG is by no means awful. If you can see this movie for $2 or less, I would imagine that you will be very happy with this movie.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

This is the most overrated movie I've seen all summer!

[3/10 · 29 August 1999]

My friends had all told me that the Sixth Sense was an incredible movie.

Some even told me it was better than Blair Witch Project.

So, since I had some free passes to the movies, I took my friend Cathy to see it last night.

The first 100 minutes or so passed at an incredibly boring pace. Nothing much seemed to happen at all.

After being shot by a former patient, child psychologist Bruce Willis decides to help a child who shows the same symptoms that this patient did. At the loss of his family life, he throws himself into helping this boy who can see dead people.

That's the basic premise. Boring, I say.

The movie plods along at a snail's pace, and the lines are tired cliches, ie: Bruce Willis: "My plan is blah blah blah". Boy: "Will it work?" Bruce: "I don't know..."

Give me a break! Come up with something original! The idea of seeing dead people is pretty interesting, and they could've done something cool with it, but instead you get 100 minutes of boring film stock and tired cliches for dialogue and plot movement. The filmmakers even employed the standard "shocking" music to get you to jump at the slightest "gross" thing, things that weren't even scary.

In the final 2 or 3 minutes, the film pulls itself together and comes up with a completely amazing ending that made me not hate the film. It did, however, make me angry for not hating the film, and left me wishing that I had left in the middle of the movie so I could have been left with a feeling of utter disappointment.

In a summer of movies like American Pie, Blair Witch Project, South Park, Eyes Wide Shut, and Austin Powers 2, maybe I just had too high of expectations. Don't waste your money on this crapfest.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

This is the scariest movie I have ever seen.

[10/10 · 31 July 1999]

Without a doubt, this movie will frighten you.

As we walked home from the theater, we began getting freaked out.

Then we decided we needed to drink ourselves to sleep, but the liquor stores were closed.

So we decided to drive to another city to see if they sold liquor past 1, and we just ended up freaking ourselves out more.

So yeah.

The scariest movie ever.

Vampires (1998)

bad movie, but it doesn't take itself too seriously.

[4/10 · 7 July 1999]

When I was in high school, one of my english teachers told me that watching a movie meant that the viewer took on a willing suspension of disbelief. You'll need lots of disbelief to attack this movie. While it is excellently filmed (and James Woods is a badass), the plot has more holes in it than my socks. By the time the final battle scene was drawing near, I already knew who would live and die and how. Although I must admit the final ending was a tad bit of a shock. This movie is much better than Bram Stoker's Dracula, because at least this movie doesn't seem to take itself too seriously. PS: Priests make the best villains@!

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

...Not as bad as I remember it being...

[3/10 · 4 July 1999]

I just got done watching From Dusk Til Dawn on TV, and I've got to say, it was much better than when I watched it on video a few year's back at a friend's house. While George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino's acting jobs were utterly horrendous, Juliette Lewis and Harvey Keitel, as usual, were fantastic. However, they could not save this movie. It has an incredibly thin plot, and no character development. I must say the censors at Fox did a great job taking out all the breasts and swearing. I seem to remember Clooney saying three four letter words for every normal word. And the name of the bar on TV was the Kitty Twister, and I seem to remember it being named something *slightly* different when I saw it on video. If it really did have that slightly different name in the uncensored movie, one must really give credit to Fox' censors, as even the LOGO for the bar said Kitty Twister. From Dusk Til Dawn is a bad movie. Unfortunately it takes itself far too seriously to even be laughably bad. Fortunately Fox had the good nature to intersperse the film with commercials every 10 minutes to break up the monotony. On video you won't be quite so lucky. Avoid this.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Simply put: The funniest movie I've seen in a long time.

[10/10 · 3 July 1999]

The last episode of South Park I saw I actually turned off halfway through. It was so bad, I wasn't laughing at anything. So I was a bit wary to see this movie. Then I saw good reviews everywhere, and figured I might as well check it out. And boy am I happy I did! South Park is probably one of the funniest movies to come out in 1999. You know the story, so there's no point on going over it. South Park's creators basically engage in a hilarious self-parody of everything that has happened to South Park and the protests that can be expected from the movie. I've heard more swearing in this movie than I have anywhere else in my life, I think. Some of it seems to just be thrown in for the shock value of hearing little kids saying four letter words, but much of it is pertinent to how kids talk, and very funny. The film also makes fun of the MPAA, among others, with the line, "You can kill as many people as you want in your movie, but you can't use bad language!" I recommend this movie to everyone on the planet with a sense of humor.

Still Crazy (1998)

I wanted to rent Hardcore Logo, but they didn't have it.

[7/10 · 2 July 1999]

So I rented "Still Crazy" instead. When I described Hardcore Logo to the guy at the video store, he said that sounded kind of like Still Crazy. So I rented it. Was I disappointed? Well, yes, as Still Crazy focuses on a classic rock band rather than a punk band, but that's OK. Still Crazy tells the story of the Strange Fruit, a rock band that broke up in the 70s at the peak of their popularity at a large rock festival. Twenty years later, the band members are all struggling to make a living, and are offered the opportunity to play a concert at the twenty year anniversary of this festival. They take up the offer and decide to reform on a permanent basis, touring Europe in the process. Some quite funny hijinks ensue, and all the characters go through subtle changes. Watching this movie, you feel more like a viewer of a carefully edited documentary than a participant. And that's not bad at all.

Killer Condom (1996)

Foreign film with Troma-tic ties.

[6/10 · 2 July 1999]

I thought only Troma could make weird movies, but it appears that Germans can come up with movies just as insane as Troma. Killer Condom is the tale of a homosexual New York detective, Luigi Macaroni, who discovers a "killer condom" is responsible for biting the member off of numerous men in the City. Obviously, the citizens of NYC can't have this, and Macaroni goes on a quest to find and destory the condom, uncovering a huge Christian conspiracy in the process. There are a few funny jokes, and one scene evokes an eerie parallel to the AIDS virus scare ("You knew about this?" "Yeah, but it only affected queers and hookers til now..."). All too often, this movie moves too slow and with too little development. But if you don't mind reading, and like weird movies, pick up Killer Condom.

Buffalo '66 (1998)

Bizarre and yet strangely compelling

[6/10 · 1 July 1999]

I've seen a lot of weird movies, and Buffalo 66 is right up there at the top. Filmed in a gritty and dark style that makes everything it touches look like it's straight out of 1976, Buffalo 76 tells the story of Billy, a man sent to prison to pay off a gambling debt to his bookie. When Billy is released from prison, he decides to visit his parents and to kill the football player who he thinks threw the game that got him into prison. Visiting his parents is not as easy as it seems, though, as Billy didn't tell them he was in prison, and concocted a series of lies through letters his retarded friend Goon sent. The largest of these lies is that he is married. Billy kidnaps Layla from her tapdancing class, and forces her to come home with him and pretend to be his wife. Billy is not satisfied with how she acts, no matter how much she talks him up. And somehow she seems to fall in love with the image of him that she created. She tells him that she loves him and that he's the sweetest guy ever, but we the viewer have watched him treat her like crap for the entire duration of the movie. Maybe he treated her nicely in the outtakes. Buffalo 66 is a strange movie that will suck you in to the life of Billy as he loses his grip on reality, only to regain it in a powerfully filmed scene near the end. If you like movies that make you feel depressed, and make you think about why you feel that way, check out Buffalo 66.

Girlfriend from Hell (1989)

What'd you expect?

[5/10 · 29 June 1999]

I won this in an auction on ebay for about 3 bucks, so I figured it was worth it. You can't go wrong for 3 bucks, right? Right! While Girlfriend From Hell may not be the best movie ever, it certainly beat the hell out of the movie I saw Sunday night -- Never Been Kissed. Looking at the IMDb info, I find it hard to believe this was made in 1990 -- the movie screams 80s. Outfits, hairstyles, music...Girlfriend From Hell is about a shy woman -- Maggie -- who gets possessed by the devil. Dana Ashbrook, later of Twin Peaks fame, plays Chaser, a spirit whose job is to track this devil down and destroy her. Maggie, now possessed, wreaks havoc on everyone in the movie, and a few funny scenes ensue: the amount she can drink in one sitting, Rambo nuns, etc. The movie really goes pretty slowly for the first half, but picks up greatly in the second half when Chaser wakes up goes after Maggie. Chaser is a sexist jerk, and has some pretty funny lines. The two surviving women in the movie also have some pretty funny lines at his expense. This is the type of movie you'd be likely to see at 3am on USA on a Saturday night. There's a gratuitous nudity scene that wouldn't make it on tv, but that doesn't really make it worth renting this film. If there's nothing else in the store, pick this up. Or, if it's on tv, don't be afraid to watch it. It's not that bad.

Never Been Kissed (1999)

Predictable & boring. Blah.

[2/10 · 28 June 1999]

We arrived just in time to see what was the highlight for me -- a Jimmy Eat World song in the movie. That was probably the best scene. My room mate says they changed the words, but who cares. Good bands can brighten up even the lamest of movies, of which NBK certainly is. Drew Barrymore was a loser in high school (yeah right) and now is an aspiring reporter whose first assignment is to hang out with the cool kids at a high school and find a story. Now we're asked to believe that a 25 year old sexy Drew Barrymore isn't accepted by the "cool kids". Well, with the cool kids that exist in this movie, who *would* want to be accepted by them? They're all MORONS. Some of the stupidest people that I've ever seen portrayed on a movie screen. They're only 1-2 years younger than me, but when their English teacher mentions Gordie Howe, they all give him blank stares. Anyway, Drew does not find a story, but she does fall in love with her English teacher. The film moves quickly, fortunately, and before you know it, it comes to its predictable end. The 1-800-CALL-ATT guy plays Drew's brother, a sports-loving pedophile, and while his performance is with ease and almost good, every time he opens his mouth you expect him to say "Call 1-800-CALL-ATT!". Catch this one on cable, for free!

Daddy's Girl (1996)

If you're up at 3am and it's on, watch it, it's a laugh riot.

[10/10 · 26 June 1999]

So there I was. I'd been trying to get to sleep for nearly two hours, and so I turned on the tv. Grace Under Fire was just ending, and as my clock turned 3, _Daddy's Girl_ came on. I hit sleep/20 minutes on my remote and took off my glasses, expecting to pass out soon. Well, now it's well after 5am, and I'm stillup writing this, so you tell me what that means. Anyhow, _Daddy's Girl_ tells the touching story of young Jody, a girl who has been tossed around foster families for her entire life. Her current family loves her, but she really loves her father. She perceives everyone as a threat to take her away from her father, and, as any girl in the same situation would do, kills them all. Yep, school principal, grandmother, mother, adoption counselor -- she even attempts to kill her meddling cousin. This movie has some of the cheesiest and stilted dialogue I've ever had the pleasure to see. Through all the porno commercials and ads for the psychic friends ("Your husband is cheating on you." "Thanks so much! I'm so glad I called!"... I don't know about you, but if I called the psychic friends and they told me that, I'd be pretty upset and maybe go on a rampage like little Jody!), _Daddy's Girl_ kept me from turning the tv off, and so now I've been up all night, and I'll likely be up for another 20 some hours before I finally go to sleep. Kudos to the cast and crew of this film for making some of the finest garbage I've ever had the pleasure to view on network tv at 3am!