Geoff-21 Reviews

Pirates of Ghost Island (2007 Video)

The fact is...this movie really sucks

[1/10 · 19 October 2008]

The comments already posted for this movie suggest enough to describe how bad this movie is. Getting through it was truly a test of endurance. If you must see it for whatever reason, I suggest turning it into a drinking game. One is called "Fact is". One character says it almost every time he speaks; by the 18th time I was wishing for his death. Another game is "I really wish we could go home right now," the favorite line (no less than 5 mentions) of the blonde girl in the red bikini. Now that you're good and drunk, take time to take in the dime store costumes, props, and effects: pirate costumes from the party store, tiki torches from the hardware store, cut off limbs shown by burying the severed part in the sand and then sprinkling red syrup on the "stump", etc. Just don't expect coherent acting, character development, or plot. I want my hour twenty back.

Twelfth Night, or What You Will (1988 TV Movie)

Very funny, and very accurate!

[10/10 · 16 November 2004]

I had to read Twelfth Night in college, so I rented this from the university library and watched it while reading along with the actual play on my lap. It is dead on accurate (no cuts) and the play is very funny indeed. This is my favorite Shakespeare play, and I still remember this production of it 10 years later. Kenneth Branagh made Shakespeare look fun, and I actually laughed out loud at some points. I didn't really like Shakespeare before reading/seeing this production. (Romeo and Juliet and Julius Caesar are the wrong plays to subject to high school kids.) Since watching Twelfth Night, I have a new appreciation for the Bard and his other works. Kenneth Branagh did an excellent job with this one.

The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

Confusing blend of tones

[5/10 · 23 July 2004]

I don't know what to think about this movie. I mean, there is an absolutely harrowing scene where a girl is tied to a tree and then stabbed with a knife the killer ties to the end of the girl's own trombone; then maybe a few minutes later a ridiculous car chase takes place that ends with the dumb, comic relief cop of the movie jumping Dukes of Hazzard style over other cars to land in a swamp. The comic relief stuff did not work in this movie at all. Which was a shame, because the killer's attacks were scary (Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island is one of the victims, and she played it pretty well!). The movie switched from serious horror and police procedure to loopy, small town goofiness. It didn't make much sense. Andrew Prine as the deputy sheriff was good, though. Ben Johnson reminded me of Jackie Gleason in Smokey and the Bandit too much. All in all, I'd say check it out for some decent horror elements, just ignore some of the more irritating stuff. 5/10

Girls Nite Out (1982)

"You're all a bunch of whores!"

[1/10 · 13 April 2004]

Great dialogue there coming from David Halbrook's character. Wait a minute, HAL Holbrook plays the security guard in this movie. I wonder how that happened? Actually, I found it very funny that in practically every scene Hal Holbrook is in he doesn't appear in the same shot with any other character, like he shot all his scenes in one day and they edited him in where needed. I gave this movie a 1. There is no suspense, the killings look stupid, there are no characters to care about, it's just a mess. Julia Montgomery looked better at the bottom of a pie in Revenge of the Nerds. They even put in an interrogation/flashback sequence to fill the audience in on events we witnessed just 20 MINUTES AGO. I fast forwarded through the last half hour just so I could find out who the killer was. . .What a waste of time. OK, the bear suit was cool.

Blind Spot (1947)

Pretty cool little thriller

[9/10 · 2 December 2002]

Jeffrey Anders is a down-on-his luck mystery writer who drunkenly blunders into his publisher's office one day with an idea for a new story. He has concocted a story where a dead body is found inside a locked, bolted room. He also has a simple solution for the mystery. Unfortunately, later his publisher is found dead inside a locked, bolted room and Anders can't remember the solution he told when he was drunk! Of course, Jeffrey is the main suspect since he was the last one to see the guy alive. He starts seeking out people he may have told the solution to. Then, those people start turning up dead as well. I liked this movie a lot. The suspects are pretty easy to narrow down once the love interest is cleared (she was the receptionist for the dead publisher and he always put the moves on her), but there's enough to keep your interest for 70 minutes and the acting is pretty good. Worth seeking out.

Phobia (1980)

Terrible.

[1/10 · 30 July 2001]

One word. Describes everything. So does boring, stupid, and ridiculous. I can't believe John Huston was involved in this. I can't believe Starsky was involved in this, I guess he was looking for work when the show ended. Of course, he did go on to direct Kazaam, which also was boring, stupid, and ridiculous. I want the 90+ minutes spent watching this back. I rented this because the cover art and back synopsis looked interesting. Trust me, its not.

Star (I) (2001)

Awesome!

[10/10 · 14 June 2001]

Guy Ritchie did a fantastic job of weaving a tight story and good stunts into just under 7 minutes. The editing, music (particularly the use of Blur's Song 2 and Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries), driving, and Clive Owen and Madonna's performances are stellar. And the very last scene will have you laughing for several minutes. Watch it once for content, then turn the director's commentary on again for some other insights from Guy Ritchie.

Best in Show (2000)

Hilarious!

[10/10 · 29 May 2001]

I enjoyed every minute of this film. I am still replaying some subtler moments in my head and I laugh out loud just thinking about them. Check out Eugene Levy's mailbox the first time they show his house. If you get the DVD, check out the extra scenes where Harlan shows his beach ball collection and the two gay fellows embarrass a fellow dog show participant ("Pair of Queens! I guess we win!") Everything in this movie was played so straight forward and funny, but I will admit it will take a patient and appreciative viewer to get the jokes. My girlfriend hated it! Me, 10 out of 10.

P.S. Yes, the nut thing was very funny. "Now, Harlan, you jest stop naming nuts!" Killed me.

Mission: Improbable (2000 TV Short)

This mission just got a hell of a lot more impossible!!

[10/10 · 21 February 2001]

This is the best thing Tom Cruise has ever done in my opinion (OK, Magnolia was pretty good too, but I digress). This short film has had me laughing every time I think of it. Ben Stiller is great and Tom Cruise plays off him very well. Even John Woo gets some good lines in as well. I hated MI2 but since I heard this is on there as an extra I've rethought buying it for myself. Believe me, this thing is hilarious.

Unbreakable (2000)

Soooo slow, but intriguing

[7/10 · 7 December 2000]

I'm mixed about this movie. First of all, the tempo of the film is very slow and Bruce Willis acts through the whole film like he's hungover or something. On the flipside, Samuel Jackson was good as always, and the direction was very cool. I liked how shots were framed in mirrors, reflections in glass, between train seats, etc. That stuff was cool to watch. And speaking of watch, I looked at mine a lot during this movie. It took until the "orange suit man" scene to wake myself up. By then, the movie had 15 minutes left out of 2+ hours! And I guessed the ending, too (bummer, since Sixth Sense floored me). So, all in all, I gave it a 6 just for the direction and basic concept alone. Just be prepared to wait over an hour for everything to come together.

Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Three huge laughs, the rest just ok...

[8/10 · 28 June 2000]

Let me say first off I think Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, and There's Something About Mary are brilliant. I even read Peter Farrelly's books Outside Providence and The Comedy Writer (which, by the way, if that ever gets made into a movie I'll be first in line). I think the Farrelly brothers are crude, rude, and hilarious. Therefore, I am sorry to say that I though Me, Myself, and Irene was somewhat of a disappointment. As I told a friend, it has three moments of bring yourself to tears laughs (for me: the first Hank sequence, the wounded cow, and Charlie's morning-after trip to the bathroom). The rest was worth a rental at best. Too bad, Jim Carrey's Charlie/Hank acting job is phenomenal, and Renee Zellweger is cute too. I couldn't believe they used a narrator a la Dukes of Hazzard and the three kids annoyed me most times instead of making me laugh. I'm giving this a trepidatious 8 for those three scenes and Carrey's acting. But if you think those three scenes suck, you're going to want your money back.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

You've got to be kidding me

[4/10 · 8 June 2000]

This movie was awful. I feel like I've just wasted 2 hours of my life. And my expectations going in were really high. Tom Cruise, John Woo, Mission Impossible, what could go wrong? Well, plenty. Too much slow motion (stunts and love scenes both, everyone in my theater was laughing when Tom Cruise and Thandie Newton were spinning around each other in their Porsches in slow, languid eye-locked embrace), plot holes you could drive a mack truck through (MINOR SPOILER: how did Ethan know which henchman he'd be tangling with to switch places with him?), and stupid villains (note to movie villains: when the hero is at point-blank shooting range, shoot him). While some of the action stunts were cool, they drag on for way too long and wear any suspense out. Sorry, Tom, Magnolia was really good and I'm looking forward to Minority Report, but this was not really that good. And you're going to make about a $100 MILLION on this too.

Hope Gone in 60 Seconds is better.

The Devil's Keep (1995)

Could've been better with a budget

[6/10 · 16 April 2000]

I caught this flick one rainy Sunday afternoon on cable not knowing what it was, and it was better than I would've thought. The story moves from Oregon to London to Austria, and nobody changes clothes once! The story is decent, the acting ok, but there's enough to keep you interested for 90 minutes or so. There was one scene that had me rolling though: The lead actor shoots a bad guy in the leg at one point (in Oregon), then several days pass and the climax takes place in a graveyard in Austria. The bad guy comes limping into the scene with a bleeding handkerchief around his leg! Slight continuity problem I think. Anyway, I'd give it 6/10. Plus I doubt you'll ever see an actress with first name "Gathering" ever again.

The Magical World of Disney: I-Man (1986) Season 30, Episode 9

I knew I wasn't crazy

[8/10 · 29 March 2000]

I was laughed at when I said I remembered a show from the 80's where a guy was in an accident and absorbed some chemical that could regenerate his cells so he could never be hurt or get tired. Obviously, the show was short-lived because no one remembered it. I didn't know the guy was Scott Bakula either. I'm sure this show isn't on tape anywhere, but I loved it when it was on. Kind of a Six Million Dollar Man take-off. I win my bet.

The Gorgon (1964)

Did anyone mention boring?

[4/10 · 26 March 2000]

I love all the Hammer films, I think Cushing and Lee are two of the best actors to be paired in the history of cinema. But watching this film I could not get over the fact that nothing goes on for 83 minutes. The film finally gets rolling in the final minutes, then abruptly ends. I could not help but feel I had wasted my time. The movie is not scary, the turning to stone effects and the Gorgon hair-snake make-up was embarrassing, the sets are cheesy, and I thought the acting wasn't up to par either. I really wanted to like it, but it just fell flat for me. See Horror Express instead. 4 out of 10.

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

I would've loved this more in 1980.

[8/10 · 21 February 2000]

Back when this was released, when I was 9 years old and into Star Wars and Clash of the Titans and Beastmaster, a movie like this would have been right up my alley. I just saw it a couple days ago, as I am now proud owner of it on video, and let me say even now I was pretty impressed. Hawk was a very cool hero and his cohorts were all equally as unique, especially Crow the bowsman. Jack Palance puts in an over-the-top performance as Voltan (great name) the villain. I was also proud that I recognized Patricia Quinn (Magenta from Rocky Horror!) as the witch and Patrick Magee (from Clockwork Orange) as a fanatical priest who has a great little scene in the middle. The highlights: the cool rapid fire bow effects, the uzi crossbow (needs to be seen to believed), everything with Crow, the glowing elfstone sword, the hilarious disco music that swelled up whenever Hawk rides through the forest (its like Vangelis meets KC and the Sunshine Band, not kidding) and the interaction of Hawk and his friends. The lowlights: the bad acting, the crappy editing, the obvious painted matte of the abbott's castle, the slow sword fights, and the whiny nun who is way too trusting of Voltan and not of Hawk. Duh! He's saving you! Idiot.

I should say i would have overlooked all the bad points if I were a kid, anyone 7-12 would dig this flick. Overall, if you have a chance to see this, and its hard to find I understand, enjoy it for what it is and nothing more. You'll definitely get some laughs out of it at least. 8 out of 10.

Clay Pigeons (1998)

Very quirky but also pretty cool

[8/10 · 7 February 2000]

I saw this on cable not knowing what it was about or who was in it. I was pleasantly surprised. The movie is very unpredictable and the casting was good. Vince Vaughn, who is in my favorite movie Swingers, was a prime choice for the crazy fast-talking Lester. I agree with one of the other comments here, if Joaquin Phoenix had gone to the police in the beginning the whole thing could've been over and done with, but the choice he did make made the rest of the story unfold neatly. And the ending makes sense once you see the police cars pull out of the diner. I had to think about it for a while, because it is subtle and abrupt as someone else said. Give this a try, its worth a rental.

Run Lola Run (1998)

Possibly the coolest movie I've ever seen

[10/10 · 3 January 2000]

I just bought this film on DVD, and I love it. The pace is exciting and the story is fun. Its cool to see what changes from one episode to the next. I particularly enjoyed the "And then" snapshots of people Lola runs into which shows how those people's lives turned out based on what experience they had with Lola. The movie is directed masterfully and soundtrack is awesome. I look forward to repeated viewings to see what I missed. I can't say enough how good this movie is. And Franke is beautiful to boot. I've heard reviews where critics say this movie is just a 2 hour music video, but if the story intrigues you (and this one does), then who cares? 10 out of 10.

Rounders (1998)

The most ruthless poker player in the movie..

[6/10 · 16 December 1999]

is gonna let Oreos decide whether he's holding or folding? What a crock. John Malkovich is awful in this. I know real Russian-Americans and they sound nothing like him. Fire your dialect coach, John. Sorry, Being John Malkovich was great, this was not. I gave this a 6 because the other movie I saw the same day, Arlington Road, made me so mad this looks like Casablanca in comparison. In all fairness, Edward Norton is pretty good and John Turturro is good also in a small role. But I thought if I heard "keep the juice going" or "roll" one more time I was gonna break my DVD player. Rent if you want to see some cool card playing and scams, but not for the story, which is pretty lame. And Famke Janssen isn't in this, although the woman in the movie looks a lot like her.

And Soon the Darkness (1970)

If you can get through the first half hour..

[8/10 · 20 September 1999]

you won't be disappointed. The set-up is very slow and plodding, but the last hour is one of the most atmospheric and tense I've ever seen. I really felt for Jane after she loses her friend while on a biking holiday in France. I was annoyed at first, but then glad, that there are no sub-titles for the French speaking people. Jane doesn't speak French well either, so her helplessness and frustration translated to me extremely well. I felt her situation was very real. The story keeps you guessing about who to trust and who not to trust. Also, the whole movie takes place in one day during the daytime, so the title takes on extra meaning as Jane tries to find the truth. As darkness approaches, she loses more and more hope her friend is alive. Its really cool. I give it 8 out of 10.

The Park Is Mine (1985 TV Movie)

Maybe not as good as I remember, but..

[7 September 1999]

I saw this on HBO in the mid '80s and I loved it. Tommy Lee Jones was so cool and I had no problem buying the premise. It was kind of like Assault on Precinct 13 or The Warriors in its cartoonish depiction of violence. I remember especially the part where he's in full military garb and grease paint on his face with an arsenal of weapons around his body and he tells a woman to leave the park because its filled with "thugs and perverts and weirdos." Check it out if you can, it won't change your life, but it's good.

Death Ship (1980)

One of the funniest bad movies I've ever seen

[31 August 1999]

Death Ship is bad, real bad. Laughably bad. yet, i could not take my eyes off it. George Kennedy (this should have been a tip off right there) and Richard Crenna star as part of a group of survivors on an ocean liner that get rammed by a big hulking Death Ship of the title. The cost of an expensive sinking is saved by showing just who the survivors are going to be by showing them all in establishing shots at the beginning, ramming the ship, then showing these same 8 people in the life raft. Jim Cameron take note! Then these brainiacs swim to the very same ship that rammed them in the first place (yeah, that's where I'd go!). Death and mayhem ensue as the ship takes over the lives of the survivors. Jabootu, please let me review this one for you!

The Haunting (1999)

A lot of fun, superior to the original!

[7/10 · 25 July 1999]

Don't believe the negative reviews! I loved this movie! The effects are jaw dropping and the story is rock solid. Lili Taylor, Liam Neeson, and Catherine Zeta Jones all play their roles adequately, but the house is the real main character. The sets are astounding. See it in a good theater with good sound because things creak and blow all around you in the theater. Really cool! The only thing that bothered me was Owen Wilson as a whiny insomniac who really wasn't necessary to the story at all. i saw the original a few weeks before this came out, and this is better. Don't expect your world to change, just have a good time. 8 out of 10.

The Cat and the Canary (1978)

Very suspenseful, fun thriller

[9/10 · 9 July 1999]

I recently saw this on video, and let me say it is one of the best thrillers I have ever seen! Its got chills, some laughs, spooky atmosphere, and Pussy Galore! I mean, it has Honor Blackman, who played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger. She is wonderfully twisted in this.

The story is rather simple. The relatives of a dead millionaire are called to his mansion on the 20th anniversary of his death. Via 8 mm film, the dead man names his heir to the assembled group. The sole heir must spend the night in the house with the group and be deemed sane the next morning. To add to the jealousy of the losers and the creepy house, the local insane asylum curator drops by to say a homicidal maniac has escaped and is hiding out in the area. All these things add up to a great story and climax. I really liked the clever way the end credits are displayed too. I gave this 9 out of 10. Truly enjoyable.

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

This movie kicked butt!

[11 May 1999]

This was one of the best vampire films I have ever seen. It's an interesting take in which a swash-buckling English swordsman and his hunchback companion hunt vampires in 19th century pastoral England. The action is intense, the damsels are beautiful, and the ending is satisfying. This movie is like The Searchers, the Lone Ranger, and Monty Python's the Holy Grail all in one. The scene where they try different methods to kill one of their friends who will soon turn into a vampire was (I think) unintentionally hilarious. They stake him, hang him, and burn him to no avail. You can feel the "aw, shucks" attitude of the scene, even from the guy who's trying to die! The emotional level never seems to get above this level. If you like the new Mummy movie, you'll like this, although the special effects in this one are kind of weak, but the spirit is there! Find this one, you won't be disappointed.