Clams Reviews

The Forbidden Dance (1990)

A poorly-conceived movie about a minor dance fad in which almost nothing makes sense

[1/10 · 12 June 2005]

I saw this movie on one of my local cable channels with a cousin who was staying over at my house once around 1991 or so. I enjoyed watching it as I enjoyed watching just about everything when I was ten years old, but in retrospect, it is a poorly-shot, acted and written nonsensical mess about a dance craze that lasted for about five minutes that looked like it had been shot in two weeks (which, considering it was in theaters about six weeks after it was written, it probably was). This review contains spoilers so you'll know everything and avoid having to see it. Incidentially, if anybody wonders how I remember so much about this movie having only seen it once, I have a good memory (and believe me, I'd like to forget it).

The basic plot, what there is of it, involves Nisa, a Brazillian jungle Princess whose father sends her and the tribe's witch doctor, Joa, to Los Angeles to crusade against the multinational corporation, Petramco, which wants to burn down the rain forest (yes, the WHOLE rain forest). From here, however, the writers seemed like they either wanted the movie to be taken lighter than director Greydon Clark filmed it to be or had a few too many shots of hard liquor over the ten day span in which this was written. Joa is taken into custody, for what I'm not sure, and Nisa needs money to help her crusade, so she meets a kind maid, Carmen, who helps her get a job as a maid to an obnoxious, racist Beverly Hills family, the Andersons, a typical rich family, although like everything else here, how they make their living is never made clear.

There, she meets their son, Jason, who appears to have been written as a twenty-four or twenty-five year old and casted as a thirty-four year old. Jason and Nisa begin a romance within knowing each other for about two or three hours, which, considering Jason has no job and all he does is dance all night, is hard to swallow. Jason takes her to his favorite night spot and introduces her to his other racist friends. His ex-girlfriend Ashley shows up and from that point on, stalks them because she's an even bigger loser than Jason, so she loves him. Jason's parents lecture him about fraternizing with the new maid... Well, partially, but Mom's big issue was that this Brazillian hottie was wearing her dress when she went out with him and she doesn't want her perspiration soaking into the fabric. He gets angry and finds Nisa has left. He uncovers her later working at a brothel, which she not only accepts but remains untainted in when Jason comes to rescue her. Yeah, whatever. When the brothel's signature Heidi Fleiss and her black bodyguard discover her trying to leave, the bodyguard beats up Jason. Joa arrives after they let him out of jail. What is he, a witch doctor and a psychic? Nisa fills Jason in on the rain forest thing and they resolve to enter this TV dance contest which if they win, they will be able to speak and address this issue, which they do, despite the intervention of Petramco's hired gun, Benjamin Maxwell, and Ashley, whose father is some kind of partner of his (I don't remember entirely, I only remember it made no sense). The end.

Folks, take my word for it, this is one of the worst films I've ever seen. It takes such weird twists that in the end, nothing about it makes sense at all. It was written and filmed hurriedly and you can tell. But the thing is, considering the plot and script, if this movie had been made by an A-list director for about fifty million bucks, it still would have been godawful. Mostly because it has actors who seem like they've never acted before and preys on the most insulting racial stereotypes imaginable. Every white person is a bigot, every foreigner is naive, and most of the characters are not only bad people, they're also just plain stupid. But so's the movie, so who cares? The only way I can recommend this is if you gather a bunch of your buddies and a couple of six packs one rainy Friday night and have your very own Mystery Science Theater 3000. That way, it's fun to watch. On a casual viewing, you'll pass right by it, as well you should.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

A novel film for its' time, and marvelous entertainment

[12 September 2004]

On the Special Edition DVD of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", one of the animators says he was talking to another animator in 1986, who told him, "This movie is two years away and I'm scared right now." The guy confessed he was too. And frankly, I don't blame them one bit, considering this was the first film to combine live action with animation, and in the eighties of all decades. One false move, this could have been worse than Plan Nine From Outer Space. Thankfully, they got Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg behind this, who know how to make good, quality (and hit) films, and I don't think they could have made a better movie.

Set in 1947 Hollywood, it deals with down-on-his-luck, hard-boiled private detective Eddie Valiant (Bob Hoskins, who does a great job, despite the fact that his British accent comes through once in a while) who is assigned by cartoon studio executive R.K. Maroon, to investigate Jessica Rabbit, the wife of one of his stars, Roger Rabbit, who is allegedly having an affair with the owner of Toontown, where all the cartoon characters (brand new and classic Disney ones) live, Marvin Acme. Valiant reluctantly accepts it because when he was younger, he and his brother Teddy, who lived to work in Toontown and help toons out, were on a case there and a toon dropped a safe on Teddy's head, killing him and leaving Eddie with a hopeless lack of sense of humor. Later, Roger is accused of murdering Marvin Acme over jealousy, and is sought by the eccentric Judge Doom (Christopher Lloyd, who follows one eccentric Zemeckis role, Doc Brown, with this one), who wants to put him in his special dip which kills toons. Convinced Maroon made a patsy out of him, Eddie helps Roger prove his innocence, and in the process, it turns out that it is Judge Doom who not only killed Acme, but is also the Toon who killed his brother.

Now, Roger Rabbit is none too bright, and anybody who's seen the movie can vouch for this, but he proclaims when he asks Eddie Valiant to help him that he could never hurt anybody, and that too, should be obvious to anybody who's ever seen the movie. I can remember seeing the movie when I was seven or eight in the theaters and saying, "I never saw a cartoon talk to a person before." Which I'm sure everybody else thought too. But I can't recommend it enough for kids or adults because kids will love the enduring, lovable Roger and adults will appreciate the marvels of the movie, which were impossible before it, as well as appreciate how much hard work went into it.

There was a book before this, Who Censored Roger Rabbit, in which they were comic strips not actors, it was set in present day and Roger and Jessica's marriage was fake like Bennifer. I also hear Roger wasn't as goofy in the book, so I prefer not to read it. Plus, he dies. Now, as lovable as Roger was in the film, if they'd killed him off in that, do you know how many angry parents would have written letters to the studio that they made their children cry? I love the movie, and that might ruin it for me.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Not bad. Not bad at all!

[3 July 2003]

Being that 1. James Cameron had nothing to do with this picture and 2. I knew this movie was bound to turn the Terminator series into one big continuity error (which in many ways it already was), I went into the theater today expecting a disaster. Surprisingly though, the end result is pretty good.

My misgivings about a third Terminator film were, "Didn't James Cameron and William Wisher make it abundantly clear that they resolved it by the end of the last one?" But the new Arnold model explains that the actions at the end of the movie, "Only postponed Judgement Day. It is inevitable." Which explains it. The writing and directing on this film is not as solid as both of its' predecessors were, but they're not bad either. Only problem with Jonathan Mostow as a director was, if Ang Lee had taken this instead of The Hulk, he could have given it the darker Cameron-esque feel to it that it lacks with Mostow. But it is well-done with him.

People don't generally watch movies like the Terminator series for its' Oscar winning acting (and if they do, it's time to get off the reefer), but most of it is pretty good. The T-X is the most interesting Terminator villain, primarily because she is played by Kristanna Loken, whom I'm going to keep an eye on from now one because she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. Nick Stahl, as John Connor, is a little less successful than Edward Furlong, but he's not bad. Only real disappointment was Claire Danes, because I just don't see her as John Connor's girlfriend.

I'm not going to point out the continuity errors on this, no spoilers, just errors pointed out:

1. When the Terminator, John and Kate come across Sarah Connor's "grave" it is marked: 1959-1997. In the Terminator, which is clearly and distinctly set in 1984, Sarah is nineteen. So she would have been born in 1955, not 1959. 2. This movie is set in 2003, but John Connor is said to be twenty-two. In T2, which was set in 1994, he was supposed to be ten, not thirteen, as said in this movie. Although to be fair, the actor playing young John was 13 at the time.

A few nitpicks, but nothing major. Good day.

The Nanny (1993–1999)

Niles was the real star of this show

[7 February 2003]

Fran Drescher is a talented commedienne and all, but the only reason I ever had any interest in this show was because of the sarcastic English butler Niles and his feud with the cold-hearted shrewish Miss Babcock whom he despised, as he delighted in reminding her she had no chance for romance with her partner Maxwell Sheffield. Niles should have been the focus of this show, because there wouldn't have been one without him.

The show really jumped the shark, however, during the last two or three episodes when he confessed that he was in love with Miss Babcock and impregnated, the married her. This loser spent five years as his arch rival and now they're getting married? I don't think so!

Swimfan (2002)

This shouldn't be that good, but it is

[6 September 2002]

I would like to say that this movie hasn't got many reasons to be as good as it is, because it is a teen/twentysomething play on a formula that's kind of, or for lack of a better phrase truly, been done to death. Fatal Attraction movies, while occasionally pulling at least one different trick out of their hat, are always the same, that's why Michael Douglas is in 95% of them. However, it's extremely well made by director John Polson and well-acted by the young cast, particularly Traffic's Erika Christensen, who shines as Madison Bell, the obsessive swim fan of the title.

The story deals with Ben Cronin, a high school senior who's life is going pretty well, as the hero's usually is at the start of these pictures, he has a lot of good friends, he has a girlfriend Amy (Shiri Appleby) who is as sweet as apple pie, and he's on the way to a swimming scholarship to Stanford. However, all of that changes once he encounters Madison Bell, the seductive new girl in town. He only wants to be friends with her, but after they have a one night stand, she becomes more obsessive, stalking him, ruining every aspect of his life, and generally acting like a nuisance. I suppose I don't have to say that because that is pretty much how a Fatal Attraction picture works.

What makes this movie work is that it is well done, and it is as creepy as most FA clones need to be if they expect to work. Plus, the three leads are all very good, albeit this film belongs to Erika Christensen, who does a pretty good job of stealing the movie.

Surf Ninjas (1993)

I must get this off of my chest

[23 July 2002]

I first saw this movie when I was twelve or thirteen in 1993 and I remember liking it quite a bit because I liked quite a few bad movies as a child. However, I now realize that without the Reyes' martial arts (my grandfather even remarked how great Ernie Sr.'s moves were when we saw it), this movie wouldn't even sell at Wal-Mart for $.99! However, I have one major problem with it that I cannot keep quiet about any longer:

Rob Schneider, widely known today as the annoying Xerox guy and Adam Sandler's monkey boy, played a character named Iggy in this and nothing he said or did had anything to do with the rest of the movie. I have no problem with Rob Schneider playing an annoying sidekick as that's what he does best, even though that's not saying a lot. Anyway, even the detractors of this movie (myself included) must admit that Ernie Reyes, Jr., who was even the executive producer, was the star of this show, and his father was as well. Ernie Jr. should have been the one who went on TV talk shows and done behind the scenes promos on this, because he was the star, but Rob Schneider did all this as if he were the star just because he was a medium-sized name and Ernie was not. In reality, he did not contribute to it at all, and he had no business in it in the first place, much less going on talk shows promoting it!

However, I am an email contact of Ernie's and I asked him once if it bothered him that Schneider did this, he said it was so long ago he didn't even remember. Well, Ernie, boy, do *I* remember! And I do not respect it at all, because the only talent Rob Schneider has is called Adam Sandler, which is also the reason he gets starring roles now!

The Cheap Detective (1978)

Hilarious, but not as funny as "Murder by Death"

[20 July 2002]

Don't listen to the guy who said Murder by Death would have been a knock-off of this picture if it hadn't been made first (how could it be a knock-off, fella? They were both written by the same person!) Murder by Death is funnier, but this picture, a seperate Bogart parody whereas the former film was a takeoff on several detectives, is still really funny. The film deals with Peter Falk, who played a similar Sam Spade parody character in Murder by Death, as Lou Peckinpaw (say it out loud a few times), a detective in 1939 San Francisco who is so cheap, as per the title, that he takes five different cases simultaneously all connected and all with a certain Bogie-esque femme fetale attached to them. Murder by Death had more of a plot to it, but plots are often irrelevant in pictures like this, so moving on...

Don't also listen to the guy who said this movie would suck if not for Ann-Margaret. This movie is funny and I recommend it on a double-bill with Murder by Death.

Only complaint: I personally would have made the movie about Peter Sellers' Charlie Chan character, Sidney Wang, in the previous movie, as I thought he was funnier, but I know Neil Simon likes Bogart better and being that Sellers was the only guy around who could play anything you asked him to at all back then, I don't suppose he came cheap, so we can let that slide.

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

Abbott and Costello and the Monsters... Perfect Combination

[13 July 2002]

Lou Costello did not want to make this picture, which deals with Count Dracula (a fitting swan song to the original and ultimate Count, Bela Lugosi) trying to put Lou's simple brain into the Frankenstein Monster (Glenn Strange, no Boris Karloff, but not bad) and Lon Chaney, Jr.'s (brilliant) Wolf Man trying to warn Bud and Lou against him. And I don't care what kind of temper he had in real life, if he were standing beside me right now, I would tell him he was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

The story goes like this: In 1943, Bud and Lou had finished shooting "It Ain't Hay" on the same day as Universal's "Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man" and considered doing a Broadway show with the monsters. Unfortunately, they could not spare the time, and a few years later, producer Robert Arthur pitched an idea teaming up Bud and Lou with the Monsters. When Lou read the script, he said, "I won't do this crap. My daughter could write something better than that." In truth, he was afraid of being upstaged by the creatures when if he'd been able to do the Broadway show, they could have done what they wanted with them. But finally, they offered him and Bud $50,000 each to do it and a classic was born.

Boris Karloff was offered the chance to appear in this picture but he turned it down fearing that the Monster would get parodied and he didn't want that. Fortunately, while this was the tack the original script would take (and I would have screamed blasphemy right alongside him if it did), the finished product has the creatures playing it straight, which is exactly what makes it work. The last hurrah for the Monsters and the best film (in terms of quality) that A&C made, whether they agreed or not.

Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)

Would be entertaining if not for Chaney and Naish

[4 July 2002]

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy both Lon Chaney, Jr. and J. Carrol Naish, but this (last film for both actors) is depressingly bad, all thanks to the fact that they are both extremely ill during this production, especially Chaney.

While not quite as bad as Ed Wood, Al Adamson had a special knack for making movies that didn't make much sense, and here he brings together Dr. Frankenstein (J. Carrol Naish), an extremely hammy Dracula (Zandor Vorkov) played by Adamson's stockbroker who looked like Jerry Seinfeld with Tom Hanks' old haircut and a goatee, hired only because John Carradine wanted too much money, Frankenstein's overly old and fat Mad Zombie Groton (A depressingly weak Chaney), showgirls (played by Adamson's wife Regina Carrol) and the remains of the Monster (7'4" tax accountant John Bloom), who looks like somebody glued a Jiffy Pop box to his face, in a plot that makes little sense by the end.

It's supposed to be a 70's drive-in homage to movies like Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man and Universal's two "House of" pictures, but in the end, it just winds up desecrating the good name of said pictures and wasting the talents of the two guys in this picture who appeared in them. Part of the problem with it is Lon Chaney, Jr. Chaney was at one time a wonderful actor who brought great pathos to characters such as Lennie Small and Lawrence Talbot, but here he has lost his voice box due to cancer, is losing his hair, and is at least 300 pounds. It is depressing to see him end his career this way. What's worse, his character has a fight scene at the end that in real life, exhausted him so much he almost drowned in the tub that evening. I don't care if Chaney wanted to do it, if they cared about him, they would not have let him. J. Carrol Naish, while not wheelchair bound in real life as reported, was not looking too good in the picture either. If not for them, this movie would be quite entertaining on a "so-bad-its-good" level. As it is, I felt like sobbing looking at poor old Naish and Chaney, and even more so when I read Adamson's biography and the stories behind the scenes. So sad Adamson cared only of the almighty dollar.

Murder by Death (1976)

Neil Simon broadens his horizons... And it's hilarious!

[18 June 2002]

Anyone familiar with Neil Simon knows that he usually strays away from movies and plays that take the Zucker Brothers/Mel Brooks approach and concentrates on finding the hilarity in ordinary people leading everyday lives, usually to hilarious affect, like in the original Odd Couple and the two "Suite" movies. "Murder by Death" is different, however, it is Neil Simon's attempt to poke fun at murder mysteries and broaden his horizons at the same time. It works extremely well in both cases.

Eccentric billionaire Lionel Twain (author Truman Capote, wisely cast considering he was just as eccentric as his character was made out to be) invites the five greatest living detectives to dinner and a murder, the winner's prize money being $1,000,000. These detectives are Sam Diamond (Peter Falk), Sidney Wang (a hilarious Peter Sellers), Inspector Perrier (James Coco), Dick Charleston (David Niven), aided by his wife Dora (Maggie Smith, who often made a good female choice whenever Simon had a British woman character), and Miss Jessica Marbles (The Bride of Frankenstein herself Elsa Lanchester). All of the actors playing these people are brilliant, and Neil Simon successfully conveys the mad genius of Twain, who is as murder mystery bad guys often are. A lot of critics complained that the mystery in the script made little sense, but this is without logic for two reasons: 1. Murder mysteries often make little sense, 2. Neil Simon was obviously fully aware of this and used his own nonsensical mystery as his own way to parody them, which is exactly what critics don't seem to understand, mysteries aren't supposed to make sense.

Find the DVD and check it out. Funny as hell.

Fatal Instinct (1993)

If it wasn't for Sean Young looking like a fox, this movie would suck!

[21 May 2002]

There's really only one thing I can say about this picture, besides the fact that Armand Assante is better at comedy than you'd expect him to be: I am not a fan of Sean Young. I think she's a nutcase, but she spouts a blond wig here and she looks very hot. This alone makes the picture worth-viewing. The movie is not good at all, but I can stomach it simply to see her hot body every time I watch. I don't care that this movie is a comedy full of cliches, I would have had Assante's Ned Ravine end up with her at the end if I'd been writing it. She's too foxy to reject, unless like his character, you're a complete idiot!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Best of the current trilogy so far!

[20 May 2002]

I have been a Star Wars fan since age 12 (1992), and even though I was one of the few who enjoyed Phantom Menace (except for Jar-Jar Binks, who disappointly shows up here once again), Attack of the Clones, while flawed, is much better. Non-stop action, plus a few things we've never seen in a Star Wars movie before, for example, Jedi council members Mace Windu and Yoda going to help out Obi-Wan Kenobi and getting involved with the Clone Wars. I've never been much of a stickler for the dialogue George Lucas writes, which admittedly is not that great, but what he lacks in prose, he makes up for in visualization. I mean, Yoda has a lightsaber battle in this picture for Heaven's sake! That's so original. The cute little fellow sees more action here than he has in the entire series so far!

Only real problems I have with this picture are:

1. Hayden Christensen as Anakin, who seems like he's acting in

the film just because he'll get noticed and not because of what

he can contribute, which isn't a whole hell of a lot. 2. Jar-Jar Binks returns. Admittedly, it's good that if he has to be around, his appearance is kept short and sweet, but Meesa hopes Yousa Star Wars writers write in the next picture that he was lost in the Tatooine or something.

Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Brings back a flood of memories!

[29 April 2002]

I loved anything connected with horror as a kid. As such, as a boy, I watched many stupid horror comedies that I didn't know any better than to watch at the time, case in point, Jim Carrey's ridiculous Once Bitten. However, this movie is one of three horror comedies I loved as a boy that is still funny to me today (the other two being A&C Meet Frankenstein and Young Frankenstein). Mostly because it was writer/director Rudy DeLuca's (very funny man who works for Mel Brooks today) 1980's update of the classic Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. It's funny as hell, and anybody who didn't think so at the time should pick up the new DVD and check it out again.

Interesting post scripts to the movie's production:

1. Goldblum and Begley's parts were to be played by Bosom Buddies' own Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari respectively, but New World would not let them play the parts because they didn't know who the hell they were. 2. Michael Richards' dimwitted servant Fejos was not originally the clumsy idiot he is in the movie. Richards was recommended for the role by his friend Begley, and characteristically fell all over himself at his audition. As a result, he ad-libbed every one of Fejos' physical acts and they were all kept.

I just have to mention this. My favorite line in the movie is after Geena Davis' lady Dracula attacks Begley from Goldblum.

Begley: Do you smell perfume?

Goldblum (mock scared): Yes. I know what was in this room.

Begley: What?

Goldblum: The Creature from Estee Lauder!

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

How did this movie ever slip by me as a boy?

[10 April 2002]

I never heard of this movie until I read that my favorite film, Big Trouble in Little China, was originally written as the long-wished for BB sequel. I asked an email contact when we were discussing Big Trouble if he'd ever seen this, and he went on and on about how great he thought it was. I went out and purchased the excellent DVD and feel about it the way I feel about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, it's unique and bizarre, but I could not take my eyes off of it.

The plot (or what there is of it) pretty much speaks for itself, but I can understand why Big Trouble was connected to it at first because they have an awful lot in common. They're both great fun, both high camp (although BB is *much* more campy) and they were both way ahead of their time which naturally limited their marketability in the hopelessly tight-assed 80's. It stretches credibility to suggest that star Peter Weller is part Japanese, but I'm not nitpicking. I have just one question:

I have seen Big Trouble in Little China umpteen times, and it was one of the top ten on the list of the twenty-five movies that got me through my childhood. This movie should have been, so how come I had to wait until I was twenty-one to even hear of it?

Watch both DVDs on a double bill one rainy Friday night or Saturday afternoon. I guarantee you'll go to sleep feeling like you wanna be Buckaroo Banzai and/or Jack Burton or Wang Chi.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Anyone who didn't like this took it too seriously!

[10 February 2002]

This movie is a good movie on a Saturday afternoon when you're hungry for a little action and comedy. That's all it has ever been and that's all it ever will be. People who don't like this don't seem to realize that. It is an action/adventure/comedy/fantasy/martial arts/ghost story/monster movie, and I love all these genres, so as Kurt Russell says in regards to the Six Demon Bag in the film, "What more could a guy ask for?"

Another complaint most people had with this picture was that Kurt Russell's Jack Burton was not very heroic. This is true, but that is not really a problem, as I truly believe having a modern day John Wayne-style hero in a movie about Chinese mythology would have been disrespectful to the culture which inspired the picture in the first place. In the Western movie the film was originally supposed to be, it would have been all right, but not the way this movie is right now. In actuality, Jack Burton is little more than an innocent bystander who is a lot tougher in his own head than he actually is. He talks tough but he can rarely back it up, which is probably how Arnold and Sly would be if they were faced with such a situation in real life.

It is actually his buddy Wang Chi (Dennis Dun, who interestingly had no martial arts training before this, because he does it so well) who is not only the calm voice of reason to his stubbornness, but also the guy who knows exactly what's going on, and is always ready to kick some demon ass, and frequently makes Jack look stupid when he does this. Wang, on the other hand, is exactly the kind of hero you'd expect in such a film. And the fact that he's not the main character is an interesting twist on a stupid movie cliche as old as the 2,000 year old sorcerer in the film!

Bottom line: Buy the DVD, NOW!

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962)

Pretty funny for a non-Curly entity

[12 January 2002]

***SPOLIERS*** ***SPOILER In this movie (incidentally, I find it pretty amusing that while the original and definitive team of Moe, Larry and Curly begged that tight-ass Harry Cohen to do features for years, it took 30 years and three third Stooges later for them to get features), Larry, Moe and Curly-Joe are friends with a young scientist named Schuyler Davis (Quinn Redeker), who is having trouble with his girlfriend Diane (Vicki Trickett) because he's too wrapped up in a time machine he's inventing and because he's too passive to stand up to the Stooges' lecherous boss Mr. Dimsel (George Neise), who has his eye on Diane. Out of concern for Schuyler, the Stooges decide to help him finish it so he doesn't lose Diane. Of course they screw it up, so when Schuyler and Diane show up, somehow the machine manages to transport them to Ancient Greece. Once there, Dimsel's ancestor, King Odius, who robbed the great Ulysses of his throne, takes a liking to Diane and condemns the Stooges and Schuyler to the galleys for freeing Ulysses from his cell once they realize they helped Odius when they should have been helping Ulysses. On the galleys, Schuyler grows stronger to the point where the Stooges escape and promote him as Hercules so they can money to get back and rescue Diane. Along the way Schuyler's self-confidence grows along with his muscles and he convinces Hercules to help Ulysses get his throne back in exchange for Schuyler sparring his life and he, Diane and the Stooges head back to present day. And presumably, Schuyler and Diane live happily ever after.

My views of the third Stooges go as follows: Curly was the funniest, and there were none funnier. Shemp was kind of bland, but he did have his moments. Joe Besser just plain stunk because he was unwilling to take a pie in the face or get slapped around and didn't he know that was the whole point to being the third Stooge? And Curly-Joe was, well... He was okay, but he wasn't much more. However, this movie, a spoof of the popular Hercules movies at the time, is actually pretty funny. But what I liked about it the most was that most Stooge films concentrate on Moe beating the hell out of the other two guys. This one focuses on that, but the main point to it is the Stooges' friendship with Schuyler and them helping him to build up his self-confidence, and I admire that in a Stooge film. It's certainly something they never tried before.

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962)

Pretty funny for a non-Curly entity

[12 January 2002]

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** In this movie (incidentally, I find it pretty amusing that while the original and definitive team of Moe, Larry and Curly begged that tight-ass Harry Cohen to do features for years, it took 30 years and three third Stooges later for them to get features), Larry, Moe and Curly-Joe are friends with a young scientist named Schuyler Davis (Quinn Redeker), who is having trouble with his girlfriend Diane (Vicki Trickett) because he's too wrapped up in a time machine he's inventing and because he's too passive to stand up to the Stooges' lecherous boss Mr. Dimsel (George Neise), who has his eye on Diane. Out of concern for Schuyler, the Stooges decide to help him finish it so he doesn't lose Diane. Of course they screw it up, so when Schuyler and Diane show up, somehow the machine manages to transport them to Ancient Greece. Once there, Dimsel's ancestor, King Odius, who robbed the great Ulysses of his throne, takes a liking to Diane and condemns the Stooges and Schuyler to the galleys for freeing Ulysses from his cell once they realize they helped Odius when they should have been helping Ulysses. On the galleys, Schuyler grows stronger to the point where the Stooges escape and promote him as Hercules so they can money to get back and rescue Diane. Along the way Schuyler's self-confidence grows along with his muscles and he convinces Hercules to help Ulysses get his throne back in exchange for Schuyler sparring his life and he, Diane and the Stooges head back to present day. And presumably, Schuyler and Diane live happily ever after.

My views of the third Stooges go as follows: Curly was the funniest, and there were none funnier. Shemp was kind of bland, but he did have his moments. Joe Besser just plain stunk because he was unwilling to take a pie in the face or get slapped around and didn't he know that was the whole point to being the third Stooge? And Curly-Joe was, well... He was okay, but he wasn't much more. However, this movie, a spoof of the popular Hercules movies at the time, is actually pretty funny. But what I liked about it the most was that most Stooge films concentrate on Moe beating the hell out of the other two guys. This one focuses on that, but the main point to it is the Stooges' friendship with Schuyler and them helping him to build up his self-confidence, and I admire that in a Stooge film. It's certainly something they never tried before.

Dogma (1999)

Absolutely brilliant!

[10 December 2001]

I had heard vaguely of Kevin Smith and all the films he's done before seeing Dogma, and once I got the DVD and saw it, I have a newfound respect for Smith and his imagination.

I am not a religious person, because I believe if I were God, it would not matter what you believed about Me just as long as you lead the best life you could, as Smith somewhat states through Salma Hayek's Serendipity in the film. However, this tale of two renegade angels Bartleby and Loki (Ben Affleck and Matt Damon) who are trying to get back into Heaven at the risk of destroying existence while being chased by the last Sion Bethany Sloane (Linda Fiorentino), Rufus, the (lost) black Apositle (Chris Rock) and Jay and Silent Bob, who try to stop them, is wonderful. Not only extremely original, full of excellent characterization, performances, scenes and dialogue but also true in its' comments about organized religion, stating maybe the Bible fudged a few facts. Particular highlights are the excrement monster scene and cameos by Die Hard's Alan Rickman and George Carlin (an original idea, a well-publicized atheist playing a corrupt Catholic padre!) respectively.

Every time Kevin Smith makes a film now, I'll be the first to see it in the theaters. I also liked that he casted George Carlin and Chris Rock, the two funniest men alive in my view! See this movie whenever you can!

Legally Blonde (2001)

Entertaining and fun, but Reese Witherspoon carries it

[16 November 2001]

When I first heard of "Legally Blonde" this past summer, I thought it was just another "Clueless" rip off, and decided to pass on it. I usually read up on movies, but I didn't even other to read up on it. Later on, as it was released on video, many people started telling me, "No, it's funny as hell, you gotta see it." So I broke down and rented it at Blockbuster last night. I was expecting pretty much nothing, but I got something very funny. By the time the credits rolled around, I thought, "What a very good thing. What a shame I passed over it."

Of course, it deals with a girl named Elle Woods who transfers to Harvard to try to win back her jerk of a boyfriend Warner, who wants to be a Senator at thirty and, in his own words, needs to, "Marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn." And as such, discovers she has more legal savvy than she knew. A few people here said that it was totally unbelievable, which it was, but come on, guys! Movies' first goals are to be entertaining, not believable. If movies were meant to be believable, Arnold and Sly would be out of a job! Forget the unrealistic plot, just enjoy this funny movie.

That said, this is Reese Witherspoon's movie. Many people said when "Clueless" first came out, that Alicia Silverstone's performance would make her a huge star. It did for a while, but it didn't last long. You know why? Because she is limited as an actress, and people realized that one good movie doesn't mean you're worth 20 mill a picture. Witherspoon, on the other hand, can play a wide variety of roles and she is deserving of star status. And it's a shame she's married with a kid, she's HOT!

I also liked the fact that Elle did not start out as an uncaring bitch like most girls like her do in movies. Elle was warm-hearted throughout the whole movie, and a good example of this is a scene when she pretends to be a geeky law student's scourned ex so he'll land a date with his dream girl. Highly recommended.

Down to Earth (2001)

Maybe I'm a little biased

[9 November 2001]

I know a lot of people didn't like Down to Earth, and one person here even said that Chris Rock is not an actor (which I disagree with). I may be a little biased because I am a HUGE Chris Rock fan, and I think he's the funniest man in comedy today (well, next to George Carlin). Down to Earth, the story of comedian Lance Barton who is killed before he's meant to die and is given the body of a rich white man which he uses to try to win the affections of the girl of his dreams, is basically plotless, but it did have a lot of funny scenes. A particular highlight is when he drives through Harlem in a Rolls-Royce jamming down to Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Gin and Juice" while the black guys in the next car are seeing an old white guy doing this.

Granted, I was a little disappointed because Rock and his show's staff wrote this, and I think they could do better than remaking another movie for material. Give them a few more chances before you impugn Chris Rock's movie career entirely. Look at his buddy Adam Sandler. His early self-written stuff ("Billy Madison" to be specific) was downright terrible. But as he got to "The Waterboy" he got the laugh part right, as he did with "Big Daddy", and then once he got to "Little Nicky" it was apparent he finally figured out how to add plots to his films, too. Hopefully it won't take Rock that long to figure all that stuff out, but I'm just trying to say don't count a long-term movie career out for him.

Little Nicky (2000)

Critics are way too hard on Adam Sandler!

[7 November 2001]

I was not an Adam Sandler fan when he first started making movies, but I started to warm up to him after I discovered that like me, he's an open fan of professional wrestling, which is rare for Hollywood. Since warming up to him, I have developed the theory that critics are too hard on him just because for some reason he seems to enjoy playing mentally challenged people. In all fairness, he seems like an OK guy, and he even cowrote this enjoyable special effects ladden fantasy/horror/comedy to broaden his horizons.

The movie deals with the Devil (a surprisingly believable Harvey Keitel)'s warm-hearted son Nicky (Sandler) who has to travel to Earth for the first time and adapt to his surroundings in an attempt to find his evil half-brothers, brilliant and sinister Adrian (a wonderfully wicked performance by Rhys Ifans, who looks a lot like Billy Idol) and big and dumb Cassius (Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr., a.k.a. Zeus in the WWF) who are out to destroy dear old Dad because he wouldn't step down from the throne when he was supposed to by making life Hell on Earth and closing the gates to the old Hell so no new souls can get in.

Needless to say, with the exception of Nicky's unnecessary speech impediment, this movie is unlike anything Adam Sandler has done before. He's not used to doing big special effects movies with fantasy, horror, adventure elements, but that's not to say he's not good at it. And even though I liked Big Daddy, I'd have to say that Little Nicky is his best film. And the cameos from stars aren't bad either. Two particular cameos that stick out in my mind are Rodney Dangerfield (one of Sandler's comic heroes) as Grandpa Lucifer, "Even in hell I get no respect!" and Reese Witherspoon as Holly, Nicky's Heavenly mother, "I just called him SON! This is so WILD!"

The best scenes are the Harlem Globetrotters game and when Nicky turns himself into a bunch of little spiders to get into his apartment without being noticed by the police. And the best performance in the movie is far and away Rhys Ifans as Adrian. He's a terrific Devil, he really is. 9 out of 10.

Harlem Nights (1989)

Trashed by critics with no logic at all

[5 November 2001]

The most common thing critics said to trash Harlem Nights was that it was too profane to be set in 1938. Well, this statement here was completely without logic. Two points to back myself up:

1. In almost every 1930's/40's/50's gangster movie, the characters

are very profane. Look at any movie directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci for evidence of this

2. What do you expect from a movie starring Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Redd Foxx? If you expect these three men to watch their language, you are truly a stranger in the ways of their material

As for the movie's sexist feel, I cannot dispute this. However, I can defend it. I am not a sexist young man despite being only

twenty-one years of age. I feel that women should have the same rights as men. However, I think Eddie Murphy was young and dumb and only felt the way he did because he was not mature enough to understand women. Now he is happily married and expecting his fifth child, so I think he is a little wiser today.

As for one review I read that said every white man was a bigot in this movie. Guys, come on, it's Harlem in 1938!

Despite all of this, the movie is a well-made, well-characterized, entertaining film. It was taken too seriously when it was first released, and I'm glad many people here seem to agree with me.

The plot concerns Sugar Ray (Pryor, who was sadly the only disappointing performer here) and his adopted son Vernest Brown, a.k.a. Quick (Murphy) owners of the hottest nightclub in Harlem. It becomes the target of gangster Bugsy Calhoune (an impressive performance by Michael Learner) and his buddy Sgt. Phil Cantone (A terrific Danny Aiello). They plot with their employees to scam him out of his money by placing a fake bet on a boxing match and leave Harlem.

The movie is not without plot holes and the occasional bad line of dialogue, but other than that, it's funny and entertaining. A particular highlight are Foxx's nearsighted Bennie Wilson and Reese's Vera Walker, who exchange profane banter throughout the film, which is hilarious. A cameo by longtime Murphy friend Arsenio Hall (whom I usually dislike) as a crybaby mobster is also very funny. Don't listen to the critics, this movie is funny as hell!

Frankenstein General Hospital (1988)

The horror spoof equivalent to Fozzie Bear

[10 May 2001]

On balance, it must be said that I had heard a lot of terrible things about Frankenstein General Hospital before purchasing it, some of which were absolutely right, like that it relies more on Young Frankenstein than it does Mary Shelley's original novel, and some of which were bold-faced lies, like that it's the worst Frankenstein film ever made. I have seen far worse Frankenstein films, like Jerry Warren's Frankenstein Island. This film is a very poor man's Young Frankenstein set in a Los Angeles General Hospital with volume on the sexual puns turned way up. It deals with Mark Blankfield's Dr. Bob Frankenstein, with the help of his dwarf assistant Iggy, creating a new Monster (Irwin Keyes) in his black and white laboratory in the basement of a Los Angeles General Hospital run by a bunch of money hungry, sex-starved nitwits.

When I say Frankenstein General Hospital is the horror spoof equivalent to Fozzie Bear, I mean it's so unfunny that it's fun to watch, particularly on a double-video bill with Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks' masterpiece. The best things about this movie are Mark Blankfield, Leslie Jordan as Iggy and Irwin Keyes as the Monster, who are trying the best they can to make you forget you're watching a cheap Young Frankenstein knock-off (and thanks to them, you almost want to). Most people have accused Blankfield and Keyes of ripping off Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle respectively, but I'm guessing they realized this was what they were supposed to do. It's not really all that funny, but give it a chance before you call it the worst Frankenstein movie ever made (if you can find it).

However, charming actors and a few clever bits like having the basement lab in B&W with everything else in color and the Monster's visit with a blind girl in the hospital can't save the movie from its' major problem: It is a Frankenstein parody set in a hospital. A good rule of thumb when you're making a parody of hospitals, I mean aside from DON'T DO IT, IT WON'T WORK, HOSPITALS ARE NOT FUNNY, is that if it is also a parody of something else like the horror or action genre, you must concentrate on one type of joke or the other.

My Breakfast with Blassie (1983)

A must-see for fans of both Andy Kaufman and Fred Blassie!

[19 February 2000]

This movie got together because the man who produced wrestling manager and former wrestling champion Fred Blassie's novelty song, "Pencil-Neck Geek", Johnny Legend, wanted to film a very cheap parody of the awful art movie My Dinner with Andre, and decided that Blassie's young friend and protege, the eccentric comedian Andy Kaufman would be the perfect foil. Unlike My Dinner with Andre, which was carefully planned, Andy and Johnny Legend planted a few people in a Sambo's and just filmed Andy and Fred shooting the crap over breakfast for an hour. I think that's better anyway, as I HATE art movies They improvised wonderfully, and you gotta hand it to them for pulling off such a funny film in no time for no money. Andy was of course a huge fan of wrestling and he and Fred were friends for years, and you could tell by the way they talked to each other that they respected each other a great deal. The film is hilarious, and gives you real insight into the minds of Andy Kaufman, and Fred Blassie, the man who invented the infamous phrase, "Pencil-neck geek."

However, if you hate Andy and/or wrestling, I suggest you watch My Dinner With Andre instead.

The Jesse Ventura Story (1999 TV Movie)

Fictional Wrestling With Shadows Knock off

[23 May 1999]

You would think a guy who goes from flamboyant pro wrestler to Governor of Minnesota in twenty-two years would have an interesting enough life that they wouldn't have to turn it into a piece of fictional crap!

Here's the idea: Bret Hart gets screwed over by Vince McMahon and the WWF (albeit that was a work, too), they make a rather interesting documentary, Wrestling With Shadows, around it. That film gets great reviews, and Jesse Ventura gets elected Governor of Minnesota afterwards. Somebody at NBC must've seen that movie and, in typical Hollywood fashion, convinced whoever greenlighted this nonsense to combine the two, as no one would ever be interested in his *real* life (wink, wink).

I've been a wrestling fan since I was four (I'm eighteen now), and even though I booed him, I've never had anything but respect for Jesse Ventura, and he deserves better than this. He's not authorized this, and he's considering suing, and I don't blame him (the guy who plays him doesn't even sound like him!)

If you want a good wrestling film, watch Wrestling with Shadows, if you want to learn about Jesse's life, read his autobiography coming out. But by all means, stay away from this!