Jared X Reviews

Magic Mike (2012)

Breathtaking and Charming but no Burlesque

[10/10 · 7 October 2012]

Stephen Soderburgh's Magic Mike can't even hold a molten candle next to Burlesque, Wes Anderson's newest masterpiece, or Showgirls, their derivative grandmother "classic" by P.T. Barnum Anderson. Each attempts to tells a similar story: a sexy newbie kid emerges from the woodwork like a spring aphid to attack an established old tree – in particular case Cher and reefer-maddened Bongo Boy.

Without being too plot-disclosing, I will attest to the performances, which were authentic and somewhat convincing. I was suffering a severe migraine during Burlesque, which turned out to be a brush with mad cow disease. Therefore, Burlesque wins.

The contest is not betwixt Cher and Matthew McConaughey, but Alexis Pettyfor and Christina Tequilera. Neither can sing, so the competition unfortunately comes down to acting and physical sex appeal. Each manages to charm no-one whilst revolt many. Ali wins by a tattoo.

Where Burlesque rings true, however, is in its essential self-discomfort, whereas Magic Mike is obsequiously and shamelessly narcissistic. When it comes to spreading the love, however ungratifying, Burlesque spreads it like nobody else. Burlesque triumphs.

Mr. Soderburgh would do well to take a few notes from fellow provocateurs Ryan and Brad, namely: go into television instead of the "big" screen. Lose your simulated machismo and embrace your inner queer.

Bad Teacher (2011)

Myself Included

[10/10 · 29 June 2011]

I have been writing reviews now for many years, sometimes implicating innocent but real people as having contributed to the process of making some truly awful films.

I am sincerely sorry for doing so. My affection for good cinema compromised my affection for my friends, who were in no way involved in the movies that I disliked. I was wrong to blame the so-called Hollywood system, and wrong to implicate my friends. I apologize.

Youthful mistakes are not the exclusive province of young people. I am neither young nor beautiful. But I am lucky. I wish only the best for everyone except a few certain individuals who know who they are.

I'm sure this will be a great movie. I only wish somebody would re-make the Bionic Woman as a film starring Miss Diaz, whom I look forward to dating. She did such a great job with Charlie's Angels.

Novocaine (2001)

derivative, self-conscious, predictable -- and brilliant

[10/10 · 25 November 2001]

Detour meets Fight Club meets American Beauty (with other obvious nods to Little Shop of Horrors and Il Postino). Novocaine is this year's love letter to Hollywood. Snappy writing, superb acting, and engaging editing. The opening credits alone are worth the price of admission. I doubt anyone who sees it will be disappointed.

Just the Way You Are (1984)

Amputee discovers true love and self esteem

[17 April 2000]

Even Kristy McNichol can't save this movie. She plays a world-famous concert flautist with two flaws: her physical disability, which appears to be a missing lower limb of her right leg, and her emotional disability, which is her self-consciousness about her missing limb. Aside from the utter implausibility of the plot, the picture is grossly overstuffed with television sitcom-esque snow bunny images of a european ski resort. Updated, it might make a great Farrelly brothers comedy. But as is, I would mark it "return to sender."

For Keeps? (1988)

A guy, a girl, and a baby

[14 March 2000]

This movie is for keeps! Not only is it insightful and informative about abortion and STDs, but it reminded me of how many movies from the 1980's suffered from Molly Ringwald's absence. Case in point: St. Elmo's Fire. Another example: Little Darlings. She might not have added that mystical Jean Seberg / Bea Arthur element, but she's a fresh reminder that Hollywood's sometimes takes a chance on otherwise ordinary people that have a spark in their soul. Bravo, Molly!

The Love Letter (1999)

not entirely awful

[4/10 · 10 December 1999]

I liked most of the dialogue, I liked the cast, I thought it was well acted. I particularly enjoyed Ellen DeGeneres' perfect deadpan performance.

What didn't work for me was: (1) the drawn-out affair with the younger man (too long, too seemingly out of character for Helen), (2) the seemingly endless cinematic cliches, mostly visual but including interminable voiced over re-readings of the love letter itself (its contents should have a mystery); (3) a young woman feminist-scholar and, ironically, a fireworks scene (no wonder this reminded me of that horrid How to Make an American Quilt movie); (4) the bumbling "gotcha" cop who smells "dope" everywhere (no cliche there either!); and (5) a nauseatingly romanticized small town setting.

I would have preferred the film to more persuasively explore the source of (or even glorify) Helen's bitterness, to have included much more of DeGeneres' character, to have eliminated or reduced the various intergenerational artifices, and to be a little less uncritical of small town life.

Had it been developed as a play first, those criticisms might have been addressed before committing the material to this film, which unfortunately is decidedly mediocre.

American Movie (1999)

A great film

[9/10 · 17 November 1999]

Okay, so I'm a sucker for a good documentary, particularly where it tells a modern-day Don Quixote story. A caveat: I met Mark Borchardt in the winter of 1995/96 while he was still working on Coven. But I'll save that story for later. American Movie, which commenced production not long after, accurately portrays the person that I knew, although in greater depth than I expected or believed existed. This is simultaneously a very funny and very sad film, and is brilliantly executed. Mark comes across as his own worse enemy: his childlike ambition and optimism -- which I admire -- is undermined by his apparent artistic ineptitude as well as his bizarre fiscal expectations. But he's also a charismatic guy. His loyal Sancho Panza sidekick is equally likeable: loyal, if frazzled, to the core. Like Don Quixote, American Movie presents an often-ignored inefficient aspect of freedom -- that people will be drawn toward professions to which they are not particularly well-suited, irrespective of repeated failure. It is a great film.

Walking and Talking (1996)

One of the best films of the 1990's

[10/10 · 17 November 1999]

I have seen Walking and Talking several times, and am continually impressed with Nicole Holofcener's writing and directing. These characters really act as if they are best friends. One great accomplishment of this film is that it is about everyday events which are transformed into having importance because we see the characters giving them importance, without it being heavy-handed. Another is the dialogue: these people are comfortable being cynical with each other, without being mean spirited. This is a small film with a big heart.

For the Very First Time (1991 TV Movie)

An immensely gratifying film experience

[1/10 · 28 October 1999]

Although this film was made before Dogme emerged as the predominant method of filmmaking, and before digital triumphed over -- strike that. You get the point. This 1991 masterpiece clearly anticipated those developments. Corin Nemec is just outstanding as the ne'er do well author and narrator. The pace is slow, but elegantly so, because the cinematography is so beautiful. Record it the next time its on T.V., because I guarantee you'll never see a better nostalgia rip-off made-for- T.V. movie. Direct-to-video never felt so good!

Hiding Out (1987)

A precursor to some much better films

[10/10 · 17 August 1999]

I surely cannot be the only one to recognize, in hindsight, this movie's otherwise wasted potential. There is simply too much plot here, and too many characters, for one film. Not to mention some forgettable performances from the two leads. But the script foreshadows (or perhaps, more accurately, is borrowed by) Election, Clueless, Excess Baggage, and Plain Clothes. Sure it's another dismissable mid-1980's geek to chic B-list brat pack puff piece, but it provided some groundwork for some much better films. Worth a watch to see how far the genre has come.

Rushmore (1998)

nothing short of superb

[10/10 · 1 August 1999]

Nothing short of superb. Wes Andersen is a great filmmaker with a signature style, infinitely improved since Bottle Rocket. I applaud his casting of relative unknowns, and Bill Murray's performance was easily the best of his career, and probably the best of the year. Momentary weaknesses aside, it really is a great film.

Amarcord (1973)

Amazing

[2 July 1999]

Politely executed, comedically delightful, and immensely influential. Fellini's command of storytelling and photoplay is absolutely mesmerizing. "Bravissimo" would be an understatement.

Edge of Seventeen (1998)

Poppers in Sandusky in 1984?

[9/10 · 17 May 1999]

Poppers in Sandusky in 1984?

I know several 30something promiscuous gay men living in New York City who had not heard of poppers until I explained it to them last week. Despite that likely anachronism, and Mom's after-school special-ish "what did I do wrong?" line, and a few too many makeovers, I loved the film.

The House of Yes (1997)

Wonderful, Altmanesque: Nashville meets 5 & Dime Jimmy Dean

[10/10 · 6 May 1999]

A wonderful Altmanesque cross between Nashville and Come back to the Five and Dime Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. This is one obsessive, compulsive, spread-eagled, dysfunctional play, extremely well written and very tight. Parker Posey's best performance yet and extremely well cast all around.

I can't recommend it highly enough. This is the kind of movie worth waiting years for!

Enjoy.

The X Files (1998)

Brilliant

[9/10 · 3 May 1999]

Seen it twice now and looking Forward to seeing it or any sequel again (hopefully at Symphony Space). Never having seen the T.V. show, I totally dug the film. Totally well written and acted. But it could have had more nudity and profanity. A lot more. Oh, well. And maybe a little more violence. And fewer aliens. They're so creepy! And maybe some group hugs?

Pleasantville (1998)

Manipulative, Condescending, and Pretentious

[5/10 · 29 April 1999]

Rather than fessing up to the fact that he is attempting to make a subversive mainstream movie, Gary Ross utilizes a thesaurus of cinematic devices (such as oversaturated images from our collective American subconscious) to tell a moralistic story, and I think inescapably, an argument in favor of, or at least receptive to, the colorization of classic films.

I liked the film technically. But I question the simultaneously auteristic and totalitarian in-your-face message. I'm not angry, just disappointed with the demagoguery, no matter how creatively employed.

My guess is that most audiences do not like to feel preached to, even if, and particularly if, the message is the force-feeding of tolerance.

Many films, such as A Clockwork Orange, more matter-of-factly explore repression, self-repression and the consequence of blindly accepting loaded imagery.

Unlike Kubrick, Pleastantville gives the audience very little credit.

Nevertheless, the shot of J.T. Walsh, exuberant from bowling a strike, is exceptionally brilliant, irrespective of whether or not it is an intentional allusion to Howard Hawks, et al.

White Dog (1982)

Quintessential Sam Fuller: Excellent

[9/10 · 23 April 1999]

I thoroughly enjoyed this powerful film, particularly for its witty writing, great camera work, and editing. It is on par with To Kill a Mockingbird in terms of its comprehensive treatment of prejudice. My favorite scene is McNichol's chance encounter with the dog's original owner. Throwing tranquilizing darts at R2D2 was a brilliant metaphor for the story, i.e., (1) the futility of suppressing someone's lifetime of a robotic knee jerk reactions to the world with "treatment". On another level, Fuller seems to seek the termination the animal as a sidekick (and criticizing the absence of animal at all in cinema) and while longing for a return to depictions of animals (including the human animal) as a genuine menace. I appreciated the characters' mixed motives and questionable methodology.

I was delighted to see Curtis Hanson was a co-writer.

Criticisms? It should have been shot in black and white. The allusions to brain surgery were weak, and the animal experimentation implications could have been more subtle. The motive(s) of the Burl Ives character is unclear. Kristy McNichol's attachment to the dog is inexplicable and unconvincing, although her performance is very good. Her devotion might have been demonstrated in other (in varying degrees of cheesy) ways, i.e., photographs of her beloved pet, saying outright "but I love him!" or perhaps showing the dog's reflection in her sunglasses. But why strain the story with her waiting by the phone for the news that the dog is cured? I was much more convinced by the trainer's passion.

It's a great film nonetheless.

The Tin Drum (1979)

A brilliant high-water mark in filmmaking

[10/10 · 15 April 1999]

This is not an easy movie to watch or absorb, but it is immensely gratifying. The imagery is indelible and sometimes shocking. But to describe it in too much detail or to attempt to deconstruct here would compromise the magic. See it for yourself.

Alive (1993)

A mind-numbingly boring antithesis of Fargo

[1/10 · 25 March 1999]

This movie painfully stretches into two yawn-filled hours a story that wouldn't be out of place of the back pages of a tabloid (or a segment on Dateline NBC, which it has been). Imagine the thrill of being trapped in a claustrophobic, monotonous, icy environment! Of hearing the condescending platitudes of colleagues! Of freezing or starving to death! The excitement of cannibalism!

Aside from the movie's just plain awfulness, the story isn't exactly timely -- much less in need of re-telling, and it completely overlooks the fact that the victims weren't commiserating in English. It is an irredeemably huge waste of time.

Zero Effect (1998)

A highly polished, great first film

[8/10 · 18 March 1999]

This is an example of very good filmmaking. It is well written, perfectly cast, and brilliantly photographed. The dialogue is spectacular and full of dry wit, particularly Zero's deadpan insights about the world and his work as a private investigator.

The story is very original in creating memorable characters: the likeable, agorophobic, chemically-challenged, hyperactive Zero; his comparatively sedate lawyer sidekick; a somewhat unsympathetic corporate blackmail victim; and the paramedic love interest.

The only minor criticism I have is that for all of the film's noteworthy achievements, its story is somewhat weak. The film really didn't need to tie up loose ends. In fact, I think it would have added an aura of continuing mysteriousness to its other appeals.

Nonetheless, I highly recommend it.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)

A beautiful scare

[8 December 1998]

This is a truly enchanting film. Spiritual, erotic, vibrant. Extremely influential and on a par with Badlands in terms of its delicate weave of imagery and music.

Empire Records (1995)

An unforgettable film!

[20 November 1998]

I loved every excruciating moment of it!

Kudos to Pam Susemiehl for her uncredited cameo as the girl in the floppy hat!

Keep up the good work, people!

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996 Video)

The thriller of the decade!

[9/10 · 28 October 1998]

I have seen this film five or six times now, and it chills me to the core every time! I would have loved to have seen the original film, which I think was entitled The Devil's Gift and was from the early 1980's, to which this version is heavily indebted. It is crafty, cunning, and unrelentingly witty. But rent the original, if you can find it.

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

Pure Velveeta

[10/10 · 21 October 1998]

I loved this movie for its wonderfully tacky 1970's filmmaking style. I swear when I first saw it on cable I thought it was Spike Lee's He Got Game doing some kind of parody of that style. It's a keeper!

Spanking the Monkey (1994)

A great great film.

[10/10 · 20 October 1998]

Okay, so it's another pseudo-documentary-style film. So what? This one is among the very best in that genre, irrespective of its refreshingly jarring subject matter. Whatever you may think of the plot, the performances are utterly convincing. Give Alberta Watson an Oscar already! See it with your parents -- I did.