ryan-38 Reviews

Lost Highway (1997)

Absolutely Awful

[9 June 1999]

I can't believe I actually watched this piece of garbage to completion. What a waste of film stock. Although I can perhaps appreciate what Lynch was trying to do in theory, the resulting film is a totally unwatchable mishmash of the pointless and the mind-numbingly boring. I can't believe there are so many people who actually like this thing, and even call it the "best film ever" (!?!!?). It makes no sense from start to finish, the characters speak and act like they're in slow motion, countless shots consist only of a black screen and/or dead silence, oh, and did I mention that it makes no sense at all? This pretentious bore practically caused by physical pain as I watched it, in the hope that at least a few of the plot threads would come together. I'm here today to tell you that they don't and that there is no reason to even consider renting this movie.

I couldn't care less about these people or about what happens to them, even if the story had been even mildly comprehensible.

I'm all for movies intended to confuse and titillate the audience, but "Lost Highway" is the quintessential example of how not to make such a movie. The only good thing about it are the soundtrack songs by Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails and the line "That's as smooth as s**t from a duck's a**." I will never watch another David Lynch movie, and unless you are some kind of masochist, you shouldn't either.

*** "Two Thumbs Down!" -- Richly Deserved Siskel and Ebert review actually used in print ads for "Lost Highway." Lynch intended the use of this quote as a way of inviting the audience to judge the movie for themselves, but in this case, you should definitely listen to Roger and Gene. ***

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

Very cool, with only minor flaws

[21 May 1999]

Well, it isn't quite as fantastic as the original trilogy, but I found very little to dislike about TPM. The special effects were amazing (natch). I loved the podrace and the sequence at the end where there were four or five different battles going on at once. I actually enjoyed the story. Some have claimed that its intensely political aspects (embargoes, blockades and trade treaties) were boring, but I liked how Lucas showed us more of the inner workings of the world he has created. It was also an interesting way to begin the evolution of the "Star Wars" mythology. I can't wait to see how the questions and problems set up in TPM will come together in II and III. (Hopefully, they will have better titles. Rumors I've heard: Episode II: "The Rise of the Empire." Episode III: "The Fall of the Jedi." I love those titles!)

As for the characters, Jar Jar is definitely no Chewie, but he wasn't as excruciating as he's been made out to be. Lucas could have done better, though. And I miss Han Solo and his deadpan wit. If I were to point to one major flaw in TPM, it would be a lack of a Han-type character to provide intelligent and humorous commentary on the proceedings. What was the deal with Darth Maul? He barely had any lines at all! However, I think will find out a lot more about the Sith in the next two films. I have no complaints about the others. Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson made cool Jedi knights and it was great to see Yoda, R2-D2, C-3PO, Jabba, the Emperor, and of course Darth Vader in their younger days.

In short, don't believe people who tell you Episode One sucks. I found it to be a very worthy entry into the saga and I'm not making any plans for Memorial Day Weekend 2002.

Public Access (1993)

Stylish and engrossing, but ultimately disappointing

[21 May 1999]

I was prepared to really like this movie, seeing how it came from the same writer-director team as my very favorite movie, "The Usual Suspects." I did find the story of "Public Access" interesting, and Ron Marquette, who played Whiley, was quite talented. He did a great job of evoking a strangely menacing air from an outwardly clean cut character. (I was sorry to read that Marquette killed himself after making the movie). The score complemented Marquette's acting and contributed a great deal to the eerie atmosphere of the film. In fact the score was probably the movie's most effective aspect.

Unfortunately, "Public Access" falls apart at the end (very much unlike "Suspects," which brilliantly brings everything together at the end). We never learn why Whiley is trying to bring down the town by aiding the mayor, and we find out even less about where Whiley comes from and where he is going. In an interview, director Bryan Singer has claimed that the character's motives are not important, but I beg to differ. It was impossible for me to feel anything about the character when he is portrayed as nothing more than an enigma.

Still, if you are as big a fan of "Suspects" as I am it might be worth renting "Public Access" to see where some of the techniques used in the later movie came from. For example, all of the following are present in both Singer-McQuarrie productions: a jumbled voiceover with many people talking at once, a montage of shots of key characters, ominous music and an overall darkness of tone. Perhaps the ending of "Public Access" left the two filmmakers feeling as empty as I felt, and set out to blow the audience away with the ending of their next movie.

Had the characters been somewhat more developed and explained and had the ending brought real closure to the story, "Public Access" could have been a very good film. As it stands, I found it rather mediocre, but not without certain merits.

Future War (1997 Video)

What the heck?

[3 May 1999]

This movie sucks big time, so it goes without saying that it made a great MST episode. Still, let us discuss the actual film, considering several pathetic people spent many hours of their lives to create it. First, and most importantly, it has the fakest-looking monster effects I have ever seen in a movie made after 1985. It occurred to me while I was watching the movie that it was made two years after "Jurassic Park." Huh? Didn't the filmmakers realize that after JP no one would want to see big, immobile rubber lizards being moved around on sticks? I guess they were supposed to be "scary," though I cannot imagine why. I find this level of incompetence (or ignorance) shocking.

Second, what was up with the massively complicated plot? You've got guys from the future, the aforementioned dinosaurs, aliens with a plot to enslave the human race, lots and lots of empty boxes, a prostitute-turned-nun and her friends in the heavily armed street gang, a really fat guy with no apparent purpose, and a guy who looks like a French Resistance fighter. Come to think of it, it might have been possible to make a good, quirky movie out of all these disparate elements, but no one involved had any IQ at all. Plus they played the thing very seriously, which of course made it laughable.

In short, this a lame, pointless movie that should only be watched with Mike, Tom and Crow. As if you couldn't guess.

Laserblast (1978)

So Stupid It's Funny, Even Without MST

[29 April 1999]

I saw this movie when in the last Comedy Central episode of MST. Of course, any movie is better when it gets the Mystery Science Theater treatment, but I just saw this one again on Bravo (the "artsy" network--most of the time) and it was pretty funny even without the comments. The dinosaur-aliens are really stupid looking and they don't even speak English, so we have no idea what they are talking about. Basically, this guy gets a laser attached to his arm and blows up everything, leading to lots of shots of him stumbling around like an idiot and grunting. As for the the scene where he blows up the "Star Wars" billboard, I think it was the director's way of saying how "Star Wars" sucks and "Laserblast" is much better. He must have some kind of self-aggrandizing mental disorder, but the sheer misplaced audacity it took to film a scene like that is amusing. I feel bad for people who paid to see this in a theater, but as a way to kill time between classes, this movie has an entertaining, beyond cheesy Ed Wood-ish quality to it. But why was Billy's girlfriend wearing a Boy Scout uniform the whole time?

Hobgoblins (1988)

The Worst Film of All Time

[1/10 · 5 April 1999]

What can I say about "Hobgoblins" that hasn't be said in this space already? This god-awful piece of soul-destroying trash would have made me slam my head against the wall for hours during and after viewing in a feeble and desperate attempt to forget the mind-numbing spectacle upon the screen had it not been for the earth's three true saviors: Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. Without MST3K, public showings of this film would have to be considered a crime against humanity. However, thanks to the noble folks at Best Brains (who were forced to watch this "film" numerous times in a single week for preparation) we have the MST version of "Hobgoblins:" one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Thank you so much guys. If the show really does end this summer, there will be no end to my grief.

If someone reading this is thinking "Oh, how bad could one film possibly be? He's just exaggerating because MST is supposed to show the worst films ever," you don't have to take my word for it. Go out and rent the "straight" (Crow-less) version, provided it is allowed to exist somewhere. If you can so much as keep your synapses functioning during it, you have a tolerance for awfulness I would fear more than envy. Just try it. I dare you. If the "rake fight scene" doesn't get you, the "'piglicker' scene" will. If you get through all that and are able to survive Amy's striptease without jokes, I never want to meet you.

For anyone else who has seen "Hobgoblins" and not read the cast and crew info, Rick Sloane has made TEN (10--count 'em!) movies since this one. The most recent one was 3 years ago -- he could conceivably be working on a new one right now! The degree to which this disturbs me cannot be expressed by mere words. Though someone on this page has already used Crow's comment from the show, I think it more than bears repeating: "Can we agree that from now on, films have to make by FILMMAKERS?"

To summarize: "Hobgoblins" is the worst movie ever. Anyone who has seen it will agree with me: the subject is now closed to any and all debate for the remainder of human history. I have nothing more to say.

That '70s Show (1998–2006)

This Show is Hilarious

[15 March 1999]

I love this show. It is one of maybe three or four non-animated comedy shows that I actually watch. People can complain that it wasn't what the 70s were really like. I say, who cares? The show never ceases to be entertaining and the characters are all very well defined. I really care about what happens to them. In fact, nerdy, bumbling Eric is so much like me, I often have to wince even while I'm cracking up. The best thing about the show is that it is unafraid to completely disregard reality and go on weird flights of fancy, like the time Eric's mom had a dream sequence in which his friends were either pimps or hookers forcing her perfect little angel to break the rules.

Unfortunately, Fox has yanked the show due to low ratings, meaning that they now have a grand total of zero live-action comedies on their schedule. They say that it will be back next season and they better not be pulling our legs. This show deserves as big an audience as it can get. Maybe the title scares people off-- "That 70s Show" seems to imply half an hour of jokes about tie-dyeing. Give this show a chance when it comes back in the summer. I can almost guarantee you'll like it.

8MM (1999)

Disturbing but Entertaining

[8/10 · 26 February 1999]

All I needed to hear about this movie to get me to see it was that it was written by Andrew Kevin Walker of "Seven," one of my favorite movies. After the abysmal "Batman and Robin" and "Snake Eyes" I was worried that Joel Schumacher and Nicolas Cage might might mess it up, but both did a fine job. This movie is not quite as good as "Seven," but how many films are? It has several interesting performances including Cage as a detective, Joaquin Phoenix as video store clerk and Peter Stormare (the nearly mute killer in "Fargo") as a porn auteur. "8MM" is very, very dark, but that is to be expected from a movie about snuff films. It could have just been a soulless attempt to shock the audience, but I found it very involving and interesting. Even I was surprised at some of the material about the ultra-hardcore sex trade they were able to get in under the R rating. Those who have a difficult time with such things will most likely call the film garbage, those who can look past the subject matter will find much to appreciate in the clever but disturbing screenplay and the bleak, evocative art direction.