guru-12 Reviews

Family Matters (1989–1998)

I weep

[1 November 2000]

I weep for the cast of Family Matters, who have besmirched their lives by taking part in this horrible drivel. I weep for the writers, who, should they be shameless enough, to include this show on their resume, will ruin their careers forever. I weep for the English language, which, God willing, will someday recover from the wretched blemish of the word "Urkel." I weep for the countless children who watched this show and laughed; it's a human tragedy. Above all, I weep for God. Having seen Family Matters, I know that He does not exist.

King Creole (1958)

Great movie, killer soundtrack

[10 January 2000]

This is, as you have read a number of times already in these user comments, the best Elvis movie. It is Elvis' best acting performance, and a great story, mindful of "Rebel without a Cause" in some points. Moreover, it is beautifully photographed and directed by the great Mr. Curtiz. And the songs! "King Creole," "Hard Headed Woman," and, my favorite, "Crawfish," which is one of Elvis' best vocals. What else is there?

Uncle Meat (1987 Video)

Weird.

[3 December 1999]

There is nothing else that can be said about this movie. Weird. The scary part is that Zappa wasn't on drugs when he made this movie...he wasn't on drugs ever. But still...my God. Highlights include the ingenue lead beating drummer Aynsley Dunbar with a toilet brush (at his request) in the grocery store, and Don Preston turning into a monster (which essentially translates into "making a strange face.") And really, was full frontal nudity of this man really necessary? One scene in the movie has Zappa gathering cast and crew together to deliver some bad news: "the movie's got a plot." You'd never be able to tell this from watching it. Other than a conglomeration of truly weird sexual activities, that is. If you go buy the album, you will find that nearly all of the film's dialogue is on the disc: it won't make any more sense, whether you hear the disc or watch the film. Promise.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

Dear God, why?

[3 December 1999]

The movie has two nice things about it: 1) it's always nice to see George Burns; and 2) the colors are pretty. That about covers it.

The film's soundtrack album is pretty much universally held to be the worst rock album in history, and the fact that those songs are in this movie is enough to destroy it. They are so bad, they are not even campy. Less the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" of rock music than the, say, "Postman." Not so bad they're good, so bad they're just...horrible. And they are the focal point of this dialogue-less movie (except for Burns, of course, who turns in a version of "Fixing A Hole" that is unforgivable). So! To review: George Burns--you can find him in any number of places. Colors--not too hard to come by these days. There is no other reason to see this movie. And seeing it for the songs is the absolute worst reason that there could possibly be to see it.

Titanic (1997)

No. That's all. Just... No.

[5/10 · 10 November 1999]

Titanic wins many awards in my book. Worst Script of 1997, for starters. Then there's Worst Overacting (Billy Zane), Worst Underacting (Leonardo DiCaprio), Worst Song ("My Heart Will Go On"--if only Celine Dion had gone down with the ship) and probably more. That's just scratching the surface on how disgusted I was with this movie. Particularly the script. Why can't Jim Cameron just stick with the technical stuff he's so brilliant at? Who told that clown he could write? Moreover, who told him he could write dialogue? I hope and pray, for the sake of the legacy we bring our descendants, that this movie never makes any important Top 100 List. People tend to take those things so seriously. And this movie has nothing that should be taken seriously.

The Madmen of Mandoras (1963)

Bring Hitler's Brain into your home!

[10 November 1999]

Watching this movie has become a tradition for me and my friends every semester. With the possible exception of The Dead Next Door, this is the worst film ever made. Every possible ridiculous script nuance, from the name of the town (Dos Palabras) to the fact that no one knows that the guy in the car has been shot, despite the fact that he clutches his chest after a shot rings out, until they stop the car, race around to the other side, open the door, and find a bullet hole. Och. But why do I talk about such ridiculous, trivial matters? The star of this film is, of course, Hitler's Brain. That such a photogenic head in a jar never managed to have the acting career he earned in this film is a travesty. And of course, that immortal "MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!" that makes the film come alive. I watch this film on a regular basis and you should too.

Braindead (1992)

The Unrated Version is Fantastic

[10/10 · 3 November 1999]

Generally regarded as the goriest film of all time... well... what else do you need to know? It's disgusting; it's delightful. Lionel, the hero, is a man with a lawnmower and a vision. That alone makes this movie worth renting, along with basically every gross scene that you can find on the back cover of the unrated version. And, to speak form experience...don't eat anything before the movie. Especially the scene with the pudding...

The Dead Next Door (1989)

The worst movie I've ever seen. Don't miss it.

[3 November 1999]

If you have a love of godawful horror movies, unending patience, and a large supply of alcohol, watch The Dead Next Door. "The Most Expensive Super-8 Film Ever Made." Need I say more? If so, how about the fact that Bruce Campbell--Ash himself--makes an uncredited voice appearance? Or...how about the fact that the movie really has absolutely zero redeeming qualities? That must surely make it a winner!

The Toxic Avenger (1984)

A paradigm

[3 November 1999]

Those of us who live for bad horror movies must consider this one a talisman. The Toxic Avenger is one of the most influential films ever made in the bad horror category: if Plan 9 from Outer Space is our Citizen Kane, The Toxic Avenger is our Godfather. How can you argue with a film that has boobs and gore? See? You can't!

The Truman Show (1998)

Not the Great Movie I was expecting.

[7/10 · 27 October 1999]

Someone suggested to me that this movie might have been far, far more successful if it had been differently structured: imagine if, like Truman, the audience hadn't known until the end that Truman was in a TV show. It might have given the movie a certain sense of pathos and let the audience identify a lot more with Truman. As it was, I think that too much was given away too soon...knowing that it was a TV show in advance, made it harder to identify with Truman's dilemma. It made all the show's action seem stilted, the reintroduction of his father obvious, and subplot with the mysterious redhead, unconvincing. Even the social satire came off as overwrought. As such, The Truman Show was not the great movie I was hoping for when I went to it. It had great potential, and squandered it. So consider this, my could-have-been-better pitch.

Summer School (1987)

Silly, insipid, shallow, and fun

[27 October 1999]

I saw this one when I was eight in the theater...the couple making out five rows ahead of us got more attention than the movie did. Though I thought it was funny, and entertaining, I think that that particular take on watching the film pretty much sums it up. It was a movie you went to to make out. The story was silly, the characters were insipid, and the premise was shallow. But it was funny. Entertaining. The kids were sarcastic. The mean faculty was mean. It was a good diversion, if you needed time to breathe in the midst of making out with your date.

National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

With all this who needs a plot?

[10/10 · 27 October 1999]

In 1978, there were only a few things a movie needed to be really funny...sex, beer, drugs, and John Belushi. This movie had all of that and oh, so much more. There were more one-liners in twenty minutes of this movie than nearly any other, and...oh, if only there had been more archetypes than just Tim Matheson that came out of this movie. Particularly, the world needs more professors like Donald Sutherland. This movie...so much genius in John Landis' vision. This is what we all imagined college would be like in those anticipatory years. Except real college doesn't have Belushi.

Jaws (1975)

Guess what, folks? I wasn't impressed!

[6/10 · 27 October 1999]

Yes. The special effects, acting, and script were all well done. But perhaps the key to any great suspense film is the pacing. And this particular "great" suspense film, was slow to a crawl. It should have picked up, but it didn't. In fact it got SLOWER after they got onto the boat! I was waiting for a lot of action scenes with the shark. Instead I got Robert Shaw musing on his experiences as a hunter. It wasn't a thriller so much as a meditation on the potential danger of a shark, and of trying to catch one. Having started my Spielberg experiences with ET, I was used to a standard for his films that this one didn't meet. Perhaps I would have enjoyed it more if I had been able to take a more pre-Star Wars perspective. But I couldn't. Sorry all.

American Graffiti (1973)

Such an effect.

[10/10 · 27 October 1999]

I first saw this movie when I was a kid. It immediately became the single film that defined what I wanted to be like when I was a teenager. I wanted my adolescent nights to be as much fun as the one night in '62. I remember sitting in between my parents, and every few scenes I would jump and say "I want to do that! I want to do something like that when I graduate from high school!" I have yet to see another film that caught such an emotion on celluloid. As such American Graffiti will always be irreplaceable in my heart.

North by Northwest (1959)

Maybe the best display of Hitch's wonderful sense of humor

[10/10 · 24 October 1999]

Hitchcock was always celebrated for his beautifully articulated sense of humor. In this movie, that mixes so fantastically well with Cary Grant's natural sense of comedy that we come away having seen both a tight, suspenseful thriller and perhaps Hitchcock's most amusing work. All in all, such an entertaining film that even those who find Hitchcock overrated (and there aren't a whole lot of them) will love it. This is a fine picture and perhaps my favorite Hitch film ever.

The Lady Vanishes (1938)

A neat premise

[24 October 1999]

At the time, so highly original and gripping that variations have since evolved into urban mythology. Essential though it may be to the plot's development, the hotel scene at the beginning does drag a bit...but the work on the train (Hitchcock did adore trains, didn't he?) is so beautiful and well-written that he's forgiven. Deliciously composed.

The 39 Steps (1935)

One surprise after another

[10/10 · 24 October 1999]

Yet again we see how brilliant Hitchcock is, how fond he is of sequences on a train, and how much impact he had on everything that came after. Every shot in this film became a staple of filmmaking, every line grew into a cliche, and the ending, though endlessly copied, even today is so fresh and well built-up that you never see it coming in this film. Wonderful.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

The ONLY truly great Star Trek film.

[10/10 · 20 October 1999]

I've been a trekkie since I was four. I've sat through nine trek films quite happily, but only one of those is really a great flick. This one. Great script, great expanded cast, great story, great effects...This is a Hell of a movie. Go see it. Now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

The standard by which action figures should be judged

[10/10 · 20 October 1999]

I mean, really. This is the film with breakneck action, a great script, fun, wonderful characters, and great effects. If you're not on the edge of your seat, what's the matter with you? And if you're intellectualizing this film...you're missing the point. It has been the starting point for every action movie since. Hoorah!

Airplane! (1980)

Funniest movie ever.

[20 October 1999]

What else can I say? The most unpretentious, unassuming, unserious comedy ever made. The Zuckers throw in more laughs every minute than most films have in their first hour. It doesn't get any better than this. And Lloyd Bridges' glue-sniffing sequence was Oscar caliber. I don't care what anyone says.

A Hard Day's Night (1964)

Never a better film made about rock music.

[20 October 1999]

It's silly, zany, funny, cheeky, witty, and a dozen other adjectives that all describe the Beatles. The photography is beautiful, the film showcases their personalities ingeniously. If you don't like this film, you can't like the Beatles. And if you don't like the Beatles...what on earth is the matter with you?

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)

For my generation, impossible to overrate

[10/10 · 8 October 1999]

I was born in 1979, into a world already saturated with pop culture. A post-Star Wars world. What World War II did to define the world that the Baby Boomers were born into, oddly enough, Star Wars did for mine. This generation has been entirely molded by popular culture, and as such, Star Wars is of a significance that cannot be overrated. Because it changed everything in pop, and it created so many icons....Darth Vader...Han Solo...the Jedi Knights...Obi-Wan Kenobi...the Evil, Galactic Empire...Princess Leia...the Death Star..."I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!" These elements formed a mythos whose impact cannot be described to anyone older than 21...but there is no one, but no one, born after 1977 who doesn't get tensed up, and feel a shiver in their spine of anticipation for the huge horn crescendo that comes next at the mere mention of the phrase "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."

2010 (1984)

A piece of poop that passes for cinema

[4 October 1999]

2001 was a movie made to provoke full spectra of thought in its audience. In short, it was intended for people who like to think. For those who don't like to think, they made this piece of poop. Not much more I can say about this.

Army of Darkness (1992)

Clearing up a myth

[10/10 · 22 September 1999]

There are common misconceptions abounding that say that this is the best of the Evil Dead trilogies. I'm sorry, but this information is false. Army of Darkness is genius, to be sure. It is the funniest, most slapstick of all the movies, and perhaps the most brazen. But hang it all, it's just too high-budget, high-quality, and self-deprecating to be as good as Evil Dead II, which tempered all of these. Especially the first two... Much as I love Army of Darkness, and believe me I adore it, it will never be the timeless masterpiece of its immediate predecessor. Thank you.

The Postman (1997)

You're all wrong

[18 September 1999]

I was told I wouldn't believe what I read in the comments section. And they were right. There seem to be people here that liked this movie. I don't understand at all. I watched an hour of this movie. That was all I could stomach without vomiting. And here I see that people thought it was better than the hype. Let me tell you something: it was worse.