dolemite-14 Reviews

Splitting Heirs (1993)

Almost physically painful to watch...

[26 July 1999]

The fondest memory (if it can be defined as such) I have of this movie is that it gave birth to a tradition amongst me and my friends of going to really bad flicks and laughing (mockingly) and all the horribly poor attempts at humor that fall flat on their face. After seeing one botched joke after another in Splitting Heirs, which is a rancid pile crap (a shame, considering the casting of talented comics like Idle and Cleese...Rick Moranis does NOT count- compared to him, catching an advanced case of dysentery has more humor value), my friends and I felt compelled to start bellowing sarcastic laughter at the screen every time some horrific gag came around (about every five seconds). We certainly entertained the 7 or 8 other people in the theater much more than the jabronis tripping all over themselves onscreen or the bumbling mental invalids that wrote the "script" (which is probably lining a bird cage or litter box as you read this). Needless to say, while this "switched at birth" comedy (such as it is) is a blight on mankind, ranking right up there with the Jonestown Kool-Aid, it is amusing- just for all the wrong reasons.

Tracey Takes On... (1996–1999)

Easily the WORST piece of rancid crap on TV today- this "show" must go away...fast!

[3 May 1999]

"Tracey takes on" is a sketch comedy show on HBO, and each episode finds Tracey Ullman in a well-done disguise (ala Eddie Murphy in Coming To America), making fun of some minority group or whatever. It's a shame, however, that Tracey's talents lie not the least bit with comedy, for the show totally sucks, and sucks hard. Each "character" she portrays is a racist sterotype (the Black "homegirl" airport clerk, the Korean grocery store owner, the Jewish "yenta", the Arab taxi driver, etc...), and they aren't even clever parodies- she just kills the viewer slowly and painfully by acting how she thinks these people must act- black people speaking hardcore jive and the like. The skits themselves aren't the least bit funny, unless you maybe beat yourself senseless over the head with a dead skunk for about an hour or two, and THEN only maybe. What I want to know is who the hell's been signing the checks for this show? Do they really look at this mess and say, "Damn, that's quality entertainment! Next let's make a Cool As Ice series! Call Vanilla Ice, quick!" Anyway, in case you couldn't tell by my rant, Tracey Takes On is horrible and must be cancelled instantly, with all copies of previous episodes destroyed by a great big bonfire that I personally will dance around. Humanity will only prosper.

Tou tiao hao han (1971)

This is the greatest Kung-Fu movie ever, and a possible life-altering experience for all who see it.

[10/10 · 29 April 1999]

Fearless Fighters is one of the best times I've ever had watching a Hong Kong chop-socky flick. Everything in this film is massively over-the-top, from the hundred-foot leaps straight up that the actors so effortlessly perform to the fight scenes where lone warriors sometimes kill up to ten opponents at the exact same time. The really funny thing about Fearless Fighters is that none of the actors in the movie seem to know Kung-Fu at all! There's none of the brilliantly choreographed fight sequences we're used to seeing in Kung-Fu movies- the actors look like they're pretending the whole time, while flying through the air, jumping over lakes, using outlandish weapons- it's hilarious. Also of note is the English dubbing- it's excellent. NOT as far as the acting goes, mind you (it's TERRIBLE), but the lip-synching is almost flawless...very impressive. The story involves The Eagle Claw fighting clan, lead by To Pa, one of the most fearsome screen villains of recent memory. To Pa and the Eagle Claw clan robs the Almighty Imperial Lightning Whip (who looks exactly like Ming the Merciless) of government gold meant to aid the poor, tragically killing the Lightning Whip in the process. Lei Pong, the film's honorable hero (and follow member the Eagle Claw clan), attempts to stop the theft, and in turn is framed for the crime and jailed. Meanwhile, the Lightning Whip's children, Mulan and Chen Yi Chung, seek to wack to fool who offed their pops. First they suspect Lei Pong, but after a daring jailbreak, Lei's honor, good looks and charisma wins over the Lightning Whip's children as allies, and the true culprit is revealed- the bloodthirsty To Pa! In an effort to kill the one man who can stop his evil plans, To Pa uses his ill-gotten gains to hire an army of freaks and weirdos, including such colorful characters as the Soul Pickers (Flying Sparrow and the Solar Ray- you HAVE to see these guys), the Sword of all Swords, the Dragon Raiser brothers, some wacko with a blond wig and Tiger Claws, and the infamous Loner, also known as...One Man Army. This guy is so totally evil, and with his Deadly Twin Sword, he is one baaad man! The resulting conflicts between Lei Pong and company with To Pa's minions are among the most ridiculous ever filmed! The amateurish, yet outlandishly overstated fighting combined with high-flying antics (complete with some really poor cable work) and horrible stunt jobs make for some gut-busting good times, right on up to the earth-shattering ending. This film is a must see, not only for fans of martial arts movies, but anyone interested in opening up their minds to a higher plane of existence, as seeing Fearless Fighters may very well change your life! Oh, an on a personal note: The actor who portrays To Pa has the best delivery of the phrase "mince-meat" I've ever heard.

The Human Tornado (1976)

If you want hard-core Blaxploitation action, look no further than this classic starring the multi-talented Rudy Ray Moore as Dolemite, the baddest pimpin' hustler around.

[10/10 · 26 February 1999]

The Human Tornado is a campy 70's Blaxploitation movie starring nightclub comedian Rudy Ray Moore in perhaps his most endearing role to date. The movie tells the tale of Dolemite, a bad ass pimpin' hustler who gets on the wrong side of a white, racist sheriff by sleeping with his wife. Dolemite barely escapes, and journeys to sunny California to visit an old friend, a nightclub owner (and Madam to Dolemite's 'ladies') named Queen Bee. However, it seems that a rival nightclub owner with Mob connections is trying to muscle in on her racket, so Dolemite takes matters into his own hands. Rudy Ray Moore showcases many diverse talents in this landmark film, including strong dramatic skills, a mastery of Kung Fu, an impressive singing voice (he provides two of the songs on the soundtrack), a touching, compassionate side with the ladies, and an overall compelling charisma and keen sense of comic timing. This film has it all, people: A deep plot, blistering action, laugh-a-minute comedy, beautiful women in distress, a slam-bang ending...what more could you ask from a movie? Run, don't walk, to your local video store and rent The Human Tornado today. And be sure to share it with your family.