ensiform Reviews

Legend (1985)

A fairy tale for adults?? Please...

[5/10 · 14 July 2008]

I cannot for the life of me understand the gushing over this movie (the Director's Cut). It's supposedly "dark," "deep," with a "message," "a fairy tale for adults." Those epithets all describe Pan's Labyrinth, a fantastic movie. But this movie, Legend? None of those apply here. It's a silly, slapstick, goofy movie, and ultimately boring.

Tom Cruise, normally a fine actor, is unbearably wooden in his role. The girl who plays Lily veers from time to time into a Southern accent from her quasi-British "princess" accent. The film's silly, ham-handed, slapstick "battle" scenes belie its supposedly serious nature. Lily's inane songs are intelligence-insulting. The long, tedious scenes with the unicorns are not beautiful, just long and tedious. The dialogue is eye-rollingly cheesy.

Now, I do appreciate good fantasy. I loved the Lord of the Rings films, Bakshi's Wizard, the aforementioned Pan's Labyrinth... But this film, Legend, is appallingly trite and goofy. Heck, even Dark Crystal compares favorably. I can only suppose that those who laud this film to the skies are looking at it through the eyes of nostalgia; I, having not seen it until now, in my late 30s, am unmoved. I love magic and stories of the wonder of childhood, but I found absolutely no magic in this movie.

The Taming of the Shrew (1980 TV Movie)

Very well done

[8/10 · 4 November 2001]

A funny, fast-paced and thoroughly enjoyable production. All the actors are clear and well-spoken. They all add funny little unspoken touches to their lines, Cleese especially, so that there's a lot of physical comedy going on while the fast dialogue is crackling. A lot of talent went into this show, and it pays off.

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

Pretty poor

[5/10 · 20 June 2001]

A mad alien called Soren (McDowell) threatens to destroy an entire sun (and, of course, its planet system) in order to return to the Nexus (a place where time has no meaning, where all are "bathed in joy"), the two captains of the Enterprise join forces to stop him. They can do this because they are in the Nexus, after Soren fulfils his plan. There are some fun bits here --- oddly enough, most of them with Kirk and the gang; nostalgia is always fun. But the script is very shabby on the whole. A subplot involving Data with an emotion chip is played out very timorously, to the point that it puzzles rather than entertains. And plot holes abound, from the niggling question of why Data's emotions crashed at just the wrong moment (never explained) to the rather larger question of why the captains didn't exit the Nexus at a better place to stop Soren, so they didn't have the odds stacked against them so. And it's rather facile even on its own terms; obviously, Kirk and Picard's ideas of true joy aren't domestic bliss, they're adventure and travel and challenge. That is what they'd find in the Nexus, and so they'd never leave. Or --- why doesn't Soren leave the Nexus, since seemingly one can, at will, and stop the captains in turn? And so on ad infinitum and absurdum. A rather slip-shod guilty pleasure, this.

Dark Passage (1947)

The worst of the Bogie-Bacall pairings

[5/10 · 4 October 2000]

A con named Vincent (Bogart) breaks out of prison to be befriended by a woman (Bacall) who sympathizes with his case which was akin to her father's. He gets a new face and tries to discover who really killed his wife and then his best friend. This is a rather tedious, unoriginal movie, with none of the snappy, quick dialogue that films of this era often display. It's slow-paced - lingering on humdrum scenes, repeating unimportant information such as Vincent's doctor's advice - and fairly predictable, even unintentionally comic (the silly anesthesia scene). The first half of the movie, we don't see Vincent; instead we see the action from his eyes. Perhaps that was interesting then, but I felt it added nothing to the movie. Morehead, as the dead wife's shewish friend (this is one of those movies where the good guys act predictably good, and the villains act only nasty) chews the scenery something awful in her confrontation scene with Bogie. Good acting by Bogie and Bacall, plus some scenes with a delightfully bullying thug, help save the film from being a total waste. 4/10.

Mars Attacks! (1996)

Ed Wood does Independence Day

[5/10 · 23 September 2000]

Martians surround Earth, and after pretending to be friendly, launch an all-out invasion. Mass carnage ensues: we barely get to know characters before they're rendered into charred skeletons. Only Nicholson as the president and Jim brown as an ex-prizefighter, make their marks on the film as characters. (Nicholson's other character is unnecessary and doesn't work - Peter Sellers he's not.) It's a parody of the genre, sure: Independence Day mixed with all the '50s worst visual elements. But even parody has to have some structure; this is a bit too manic and busy. Nicholson gets some funny lines in (like after Congress is massacred: "We still have two out of three branches, and that ain't bad"), and in fact the script works well as satire for the first half. But after the attack begins, the humor gives way to... well, just a lighthearted version of Independence Day. It's a replica, not a parody. We see Mount Rushmore defaced, the Eiffel Tower melting, etc... Where's the humor? Example: some characters are taken hostage by the Martians and left as living heads and strike up a romance of sorts. It just doesn't work as humor for me. It's absurd, and silly, but not... funny.

Go (1999)

Pulp Fiction's witty descendant

[8/10 · 16 September 2000]

Another grandson of Pulp Fiction, this one for the Gen-X set. Three interconnected stories from three points of view about a drug deal gone horribly wrong at the hands of bungling and overconfident amateurs. It all starts when some guys ask a beleaguered supermarket cashier (Polley) if she can supply any X. An overdose, a betrayed drug dealer, a police sting and a hit-and-run collision ensue, sped along with Tarantino-esque patter from zany characters (a smooth black guy, some gay actors, a policeman who's a vehement deadpan product salesman, a mafia type bemoaning the new generation). As derivative as it is, it's still a fun and witty movie for all that. Scott Wolf and Jay Mohr, the two gay actors who are being blackmailed by the creepy policeman into participating ina drug scenes, steal the show.

Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back (1998)

Pretty bland

[4/10 · 10 November 1999]

Scientists clone the rarest Pokemon, Mew, into Mewtwo, an almost omnipotent creature who becomes the first non-human Pokemon master. With his army of Pokemon clones, he tries to take over the world. There are a few amusing bits, but the final anti-violence message is so cloyingly heavy handed, the animation so dull, and the characterization so lifeless (the humans and the non-verbal Pokemon have about the same level of depth) that this makes you realize why Disney is the king of animated fare. Very little for non-fans or any adults to enjoy.

Analyze This (1999)

Shallow but likeable

[6/10 · 9 October 1999]

De Niro is a mobster (gasp!) who, finding himself prone to panic attacks just before a big mob meeting, consults a psychiatrist (Crystal). The odd couple pairing goes as expected, with each one playing his part to a predictable if enjoyable extreme. Kudrow, Crystal's fiancée, plays a somewhat testy woman, but her character is so sketchy and Phoebe-from-'Friends' that it doesn't make a difference. There are a lot of dropped balls in this movie: Crystal's relationship with his own therapist father, which is rocky, goes unresolved; Kudrow's relationship with Crystal's teenage son goes unresolved; etc. It's an okay picture with bad cutting. Still, there's some laugh out loud funny bits.

Seven Samurai (1954)

Perfect

[10/10 · 18 August 1999]

The best foreign film ever made? Perhaps. Every scene is classic, every nuance perfect. The plot of this movie is very much in the American Western tradition. A small village of farmers is being plagued by bandits, and they hire some ronin, or masterless samurai, to protect them. All they can afford to pay the samurai is three meals a day, so it's a tricky situation. Even in the complete, three-and-a-half-hour long version, this film's action never flags for an instant. The fight scenes are the most grandiose, dramatic and emotional I've seen (one of the few movies that makes the viewer actually care when the characters die). It's also very subtle, with the viewer's sympathies being directed and re-directed as a new aspect of each of the characters comes to light. The "wild" samurai's vindictive speech is a good example. This is really a perfect movie.

Marriage Is a Private Affair (1944)

Never goes anywhere

[5/10 · 28 July 1999]

The makers of this film had a premise: a woman whose childhood makes her a rather flakey person, a bit unsure of herself, picks one of her many suitors just to see if she can. But from there, the movie forgets drama. Why should she come to embrace marriage? It's not the birth of her son. It's not any one thing that happens to her. There's no plot catalyst in this movie, no psychological edge. It's more like a soap opera, where the characters change for no particular reason.

The Ship Sails On (1983)

Visually great

[26 July 1999]

Fellini as usual fills this film with bizarre imagery, cinematography like a painting, and carnival-house faces. The symbolism of a decaying Europe is drawn with rather broad strokes (the bloated smelly rhino as colonialism, the hungry at the windows of the rich), but it's worth watching just for the visuals. Oh yeah, the music's great too.

T-Men (1947)

Glorifies T-men; narration is too much

[3/10 · 7 June 1999]

An average noir film is made horrible through the use of narration that assumes the audience is stupid as a rock. Every single action the agents make, for the first half of the film, is narrated, explained, praised, and explained again for good measure. I mean they really, really hit you over the head with it. The agents don't just gather facts, the gather "facts to be used." They don't only take notes, they "memorize those notes." And on and on. This isn't radio: we can _see_ the agents going over the material! The jingoistic, condescending tone of the narration ruins what would otherwise be a fairly thrilling crime picture, with superb black and white filming and some graphic, spine-tingling scenes of violence.

Last Action Hero (1993)

pretty funny parody

[7/10 · 26 May 1999]

This is actually a pretty funny parody of action films. I think people who disliked it for the most part must have misunderstood it, or expected hard action. This is a send-up of all the tired cliches of action movies: cars explode in mid air for no reason; cops are given animated cats for partners; the chief of the LAPD shout his head off at the no-nonsense cop who gets the job done; etc. Expect a parody, and enjoy.