Kinitawowi Reviews

Command & Conquer (1995 Video Game)

The RTS revolution starts here.

[9/10 · 13 July 2007]

The debate rages on - what was the first ever RTS? Herzog Zwei? Stonkers? Dune 2? No-one's really sure - so much depends on the definition of "RTS" (and, for that matter, "first") that even Railroad Tycoon has seen entry into the fray. What is certain is that it was Dune 2 that put Westwood Studios on the map and planted the seeds of what the RTS would eventually become. Blizzard's original Warcraft ran some more with the idea, but it's Command And Conquer: Tiberian Dawn that truly set the world alight.

Dune 2 struggled with a quirky unit cap, caused simply by a shortage of processing power. C&C has no such limitations, and battles featuring scores of men and tanks over a multitude of landscapes looked stunning in addition to playing well. The linking FMVs are absorbingly written and acted - witness General Sheppard's growing frustration and rage throughout the pursuit of Kane, which is believable and compelling. These improvements marked the true beginning of the CD age of PC gaming - with this game showing what was possible, the floppy disc was dead and buried.

The story is as well-known and standardised as it is irrelevant - two organisations compete for resources and military supremacy. It's the little differences and quirks between the Global Defence Initiative (a spin off from the UN) and the Brotherhood of NOD (as old and biblical as character names like Kane and Seth are intended to imply) that grant the game the longevity, acclaim, sequels and spinoffs that it has maintained in the twelve years since.

A juggernaut that shows no signs of slowing down, and it kicked off in 1995. Now available again as part of the First Decade pack, this is a milestone of gaming that still plays well today.

The Aristocrats (2005)

Not a comedy. Not a bad thing.

[8/10 · 14 March 2007]

The Aristocrats is not a funny joke.

This is a fact admitted at several points through this film. And it's an important thing to bear in mind when considering the film, because the film is not the joke. The film is *about* the joke. It's a documentary. It deals with far more light-hearted matter than the average documentary, but it's a documentary nonetheless. Yes, the joke is told frequently and in various ways throughout the film. But in and of themselves, only about four incarnations of the joke are worthwhile. Billy The Mime's version is inspired, the guy who does it with playing cards is clever, Gilbert Gottfried's is a masterpiece of saying precisely the wrong thing at the right time, and Sarah Silverman's first-person rendition lies perfectly between deadpan hilarity and abject horror.

The value of the film lies in the story of the joke. And in this regard, it stands as one of the funniest films ever made. The joke isn't something to be told at the dinner table. It's a challenge, told by comedians to comedians. And this is where the hundred or so comedians in this film come in, to tell us their own stories and experiences about the inception and reception of it - and of course, to do this it becomes necessary for one or two of them to provide their own interpretations. And so it goes on.

As a comedy, it's not that funny; it is, in a very literal sense, a one-joke movie. As a documentary, it's genius.

Event Horizon (1997)

Pfft.

[1/10 · 8 July 2002]

Someone gave Paul Anderson a dumptruck full of money and said "Recreate Alien."

He failed.

I was encouraged to watch this movie by a friend, who described it as the most disturbing film he'd ever seen. I describe it as one of the most boring. I saw nothing here that hadn't been done far better before.

It Could Happen to You (1994)

The nearest any film's ever come to breaking me...

[9/10 · 5 June 2002]

...as a cynic.

I, through whatever reason, am absurdly cynical. A cynic, lest we forget, is somebody who puts very little faith in the good nature of humanity. Somebody who considers all good deeds to be selfishly motivated.

Somebody who should absolutely hate this film.

But I can't. I love this to pieces. No film has ever done as much to give me some faith in people. If Charlie can do the decent thing and split his ticket with Yvonne to fulfil a promise, despite the demands of a furious Muriel; if despite reaching a financial and emotional low they can still invite Angel in to put some food in his belly; and if the New York public can show their appreciation by doing whatever little they can to help out; then maybe, just maybe, there might be hope for the rest of us.

This. Is. Beautiful.

Bugs (1995–1999)

'Twas once a great show, but...

[10 December 1999]

I used to be a devotee of this show; every Saturday night without fail was spent watching BBC 1's finest Saturday night show (admittedly there wasn't much competition). I loved it; the bangs, the fires, the fights, the hi-tec gadgetry.

And then I stopped.

What happened?

Steve Houghton. There is NO WAY he should ever have been brought into the show; Craig McLachlan was infinitely better as Ed, bringing some humour into the role and convincing viewers that he was a vaulable member of the team. Steve seems to convey the impression of being there just to make up the numbers. Sorry Steve fans out there, but he just isn't right for this show, and it was highly unsurprising that the show was axed. And a shame too, because it was once a great show.

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997)

"The blonde leading the blonde", eh? They couldn't be more right...

[10/10 · 28 September 1999]

This film is just plain stupid. Never have I seen two actresses play such gormless characters.

Which is why I loved it to bits. We need films like this in our times of trouble, strife and misery; something to watch and laugh at like a prat. The chemistry between Kudrow and Sorvino is the main laughter source, but everything else also slides perfectly into place around them.

The main reason I love this film, on reflection, is that in a peculiar way it lives up to it's own message. By never taking itself remotely seriously, and goofing around at every opportunity (I mean, the dance, come on), it endorses the idea that people should simply be who they are, and not attempt to pretend to be something they aren't simply to obtain the validation of others. (The added sugar of Romy's spectacular revenge just caps it.) This isn't high art, it's not a brilliant piece of film-making, it's certainly not worth 10 out of 10 on a Serious Movie Scale. But on a purely personal level, where it appeals to me and my 26-year-old sensibilities, it ranks as my favourite film.

The soundtrack is pure class, and it all makes for a great movie. I score this film 10/10 because I love it so much, not because it's good.

I Married a Strange Person! (1997)

Barmy. Absolutely barmy.

[22 September 1999]

This film is quite mad. The balloon animal sex scene is completely nuts. I watched this film in a quiet room with about five of my mates, and we were sat there laughing our heads off throughout. Watch it, if only for the aforementioned sex scene.

The Meaning of Life (1983)

Pure class

[8/10 · 10 June 1999]

This is possibly the best of all the Monty Python "elements"; movie, series, computer game, etc. It contains the second best song in the whole gamut (nothing will ever touch "Always look On The Bright Side Of Life") in the Galaxy song. Never has one song made the whole of mankind feel so totally insignificant as this.

The Mr Creosote sketch is also one of those things that will never be forgotten.

The whole film is utterly amazing.

Watch it.

Now.

Hunting Venus (1999 TV Movie)

Brilliant.

[9/10 · 17 May 1999]

This was a superb piece of work. I was forced to watch this with my mother, and she wasn't able to understand what the film was actually a spoof of. I was; and it was done quite brilliantly.

The show is, of course, stolen by Neil Morrissey's performance as Charlie/Charlotte, but the rest of the Hunters (and the rest of the cast; Jane Horrocks' versatility shines through yet again, with the whole idea of her being a lesbian landlady in a seaside resort b&b verging on the ridiculous) add in some vital and amazingly funny elements.

Whether this was intended to be a comic work is not stated or known, but it succeeds. It is a quality parody of the music scene of the early 1980's. If ITV ever show it again, watch it.

The Curse of Monkey Island (1997 Video Game)

They've gone and done it again.

[8/10 · 17 May 1999]

Lucasarts have pulled yet another beauty out of a seemingly bottomless bag of great games. If any further proof was required that they rule this genre of gaming, then this is it. Before actually playing the game, there was a little concern about how the writers were going to keep up the pace of gags after the first two games. Fears were rife that it was going to wear a bit thin.

Play the game and see how quickly those fears are allayed. From the introductory video with Guybrush in the dodgem boat (!), to the closing stages in the funfair, the jokes just keep on coming. I was a great fan of the first two games and the other Lucasarts works (Day Of The Tentacle, Sam & Max, etc) and this one does not fail to deliver the quality. You will not be disappointed. (Well, I wasn't.)

Police Academy (1984)

A plea for fair judgement

[7/10 · 17 May 1999]

I feel that this is unjustly treated by the masses. The mistake many people seem to be making with this series of films is to judge them all together and average them all out, so by the time you get to the 7th, it's got so poor that the average is dropped right down.

To all who read this review, I must ask that this not be done. Judge each film in it's own right. Then you will be able to appreciate these examples of fine comedy. This, the first, is by far and away the best. Maybe this is because I'm doing what I tried to prevent others from doing, I don't know. Or maybe it's just because the film is a great laugh.

Each of the other six films are perfectly watchable in their own right. Try not to consider the other films when you watch each new one, this way you should be able to appreciate the later ones a bit more.