dob-2 Reviews

Eyes of the Serpent (1994)

Bleaugh...

[6 December 2004]

I'm a sucker for this kind of movie - low-budget Conan-knockoff sword and sandal movies. I enjoyed the Deathstalker series, except for the most painful moments, and this is very reminiscent of that, but of significantly lower quality (yeah, I know, that is hard to imagine).

The story is fine for this kind of thing - two princesses, each with a magic sword, battling to control a kingdom, with sidekicks, etc., and lone swordsman shows up to help.

Good bits: There are some semi-unexpected plot twists, although sometimes they're surprising more for the lack of any backstory to fill them in, and they often don't go anywhere. The guy playing the adviser to the queen, Seamus (inexplicably pronounced See-mus) at least tries to act. The swordfights, though semi-stilted, end with actual blood on the swords, which I always appreciate, since so many movies fail at that. The men are strong, the women nubile, the costumes OK. I liked the lady who could smell anything, too, and wished she'd actually done something in the movie. The two tortured guards were kinda funny, too. Some of the writing is passable/OK, though often it's lost in delivery or just in confusion. The oddly-apostrophed Ernst May'r does OK, too.

Bad bits: The dialogue. The acting. The direction. The cinematography. The DVD transfer. The S&M costumes. Lots of masks, so they can reuse the warrior guys even after they die. In fact, often they show three guys running the woods, and then six end up dying in the battle.

Unanswered questions: Why is the Fiona apparently only about five years younger than her mother, Neema? And why does she have a French accent, when nobody else does? Why'd they leave her in a trance guarded by three guys in a tent? On the other hand, since the population of this kingdom is about twelve, maybe three would be enough. Was horned-helmet creation all there was to the magic swords, after all?

Some of these are fun to watch, even if it's only to ridicule. This is probably a step below that for most folks.

Cutthroat Island (1995)

not as bad as all that...

[8/10 · 10 January 2000]

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that everybody decides to hate but which is actually not too bad. Waterworld was this way - it was a silly, unrealistic action movie, but it worked fine to pass a couple of hours.

Cutthroat Island is exactly this way. I enjoyed it; I didn't care about realism, acting, character development, or anything like that, nor did I expect to find them in the movie. I went because there were buckles to be swashed, cutlasses to be swung, ropes to be swung from, and cannons to be fired, and all of those were available in plenty.

It's mindless, but fun. No great art, but good action. Just take the right attitude, and don't get all artsy and you'll be fine.

Dead Fire (1997 TV Movie)

Not awful

[6/10 · 4 July 1999]

One word - corny. Everything in this movie was corny. The bad guys were cornily bad, spouting evil threats and shooting their minions on a whim (why would anybody work for an evil dictator?). The good guys were corny, stopping to kiss even as their shuttle is crashing or the world is ending. The script was super-corny, but I think they were trying for that effect.

However, the movie worked for me. It was not a memorable movie, but it was fun to watch. The acting was OK, even though they were playing stock characters and had dumb lines to say. The plot and science were preposterous, but they aren't the point of the movie. The action sequences were OK, and there are some genuinely funny parts, intentional and otherwise. You just have to expect a campy low-budget sci-fi movie, and if you go into it with low expectations, you'll be OK.

Convict 762 (1997)

Dumb, dumb, dumb

[2/10 · 4 July 1999]

This movie was a waste of time. The plot makes no sense most of the time. The characters are idiots - their crewmate gets savagely murdered; they say "Let's split up!" Another one gets murdered; they hear someone dying over the intercom, and they say "Lets explore the planet some more and try to help." How about this one: One of the crew is behaving in a psychotic mutinous way, frees a psychotic murderous prisoner and gets her friend killed in the process. You're the captain - what do you do?

a) shoot the crewmember b) put the crewmember in the brig c) leave the crewmember to rot on the prison planet d) yell at the crewmember and tell her she'll have to shape up

You guessed it, our intrepid captain picked (d). And I'm supposed to care about these people? You expect horror movie people to do dumb things and get killed, but at least they should have a reason to do the dumb things and an acknowledgement that the things are dangerous.

Don't see this movie. The box looks like it would be sort of interesting, but it wasn't. I literally almost fell asleep on the couch in the middle - I have the lines on my cheek to prove it.

Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator (1989)

The worst movie I've ever seen

[1/10 · 4 July 1999]

This was the worst movie I have ever seen, bar none, and I've seen some honkers. I cannot conceive of how or why it was made. It was pathetically acted, painfully scripted, and all-around stupid.

Excalibur (1981)

Terrific movie

[9/10 · 4 July 1999]

This movie is one of my favorites - one of the four I've bought. It is one of the best stories ever told, adapted almost perfectly to the screen. The music is fantastic - you can't help but feel tingly as they gallop through the falling blossoms to Carmina Burana, or as the Lady of the Lake catches the sword at the end. The armor, the battles, the script, the acting - all are top notch. There are those who don't understand this movie, but for those who do, it is without equal.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

"At first it was just another snake cult..."

[9/10 · 4 July 1999]

This is a great movie. Not a great movie like Casablanca, the Wizard of Oz, or Lawrence of Arabia. It is great in that you could not make a better movie about Conan. Arnold is perfect for the part with his early '80s steroid-enhanced size and thick Austrian accent. The plot is silly but action-packed; the characters are interesting; and there are so many macho/corny lines that stick with you afterwards. Almost every male my age (born in 1969) that I've talked with loved this movie and, even more than the movie, the music - the score is memorable and is perfectly suited to the picture and action. If you buy the soundtrack CD, the liner notes express my feelings about the music and the movie exactly.

Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)

Heinous

[1/10 · 4 July 1999]

Without a doubt, the most reprehensible, repulsive movie I have ever seen. Completely without merit. Do not watch it. Stay away. I say this as a sometimes-fan of dark comedy and silly, violent movies, and one who enjoyed the Toxic Avenger.

This movie sucks.