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Le Cinquième Élément (1997)
French sci-fi comedy dazzles
This movie is grossly underrated, but I think that's because people went into it expecting something entirely different from what they got. They went in expecting one of the following: a) Die Hard in space, b) Star Wars, or c) Independence Day.
The first group saw the movie as cluttered -- they were expecting a simple action thriller where the hero is one person, *maybe* with a sidekick, and plenty of villanous cannon-fodder. What they got was a conflict between multiple heroes with individual agendas who all basically wanted the same thing but kept getting in each others' way. The fast editing, wild visuals, and bizarre costuming just made it look sillier.
The second group saw it as small-minded -- they were expecting a well-thought-out SF epic where an ancient evil must be defeated by an ancient and nicely arcane good. What they got was a farce where the mystical rituals were nothing more than plot devices and ultimately the fate of the universe rested on a bunch of self-centered idiots. They were disappointed when nobody explored the ancient Mondoshewan race, when the hero only visited one other planet and then came straight back to Earth, when the "ancient evil" had only a corporate executive as its lackey.
The third group were expecting a repeat of the previous year's hugely successful "Independence Day." They were expecting a massive invasion from hideous creatures that would ultimately be repelled by an unlikely but very plucky patriotic hero (or group of heroes) who boldly went out and saved the world in its hour of need. With a bit of wisecracking thrown in for comic relief. What they got was a hero who had to be *pestered* into saving the world, a general disrespect for authority, incompetant villains, incompetant heroes, and a general impression that the entire human race is a laughingstock. Worth saving, but still a laughingstock.
What all these groups didn't realize going in was that this movie is French. And this is *exactly* what French farce is all about. It's comedy, it's silly, it's surreal, it's not meant to be taken too seriously, and it is a way to accept that life is priceless, although those who live life tend to be quite ridiculous. How do the French have a low crime rate *and* a complete disrespect for authority? This is how. They don't really disrespect authority. They just find humor in it.
And that's what this is about. The world is about to end. And it's *funny*. Really. Not in the sense of your typical American situational comedies, but rather in the sense of French farce. That is to say, it's not the situation that's funny -- the situation is the direst of all imaginable tragedies. What's funny is the fact that everybody acts like an idiot in the face of it, from the military trying to take over despite having just proven they have no idea what they're doing, to the permanently baffled priest, to the government posturing uselessly away. It's a good movie, but you've got to understand that it's also a very silly movie. Go into it with a light heart and you'll enjoy. Don't expect adrenalin or epics or patriotism. This is about the human condition, and how fundamentally ridiculous it is.
Plus, it's got a very good soprano. I hated opera until I saw the scene where Plaga Laguna, the alien Diva, sings her aria. It's beautiful.
American Playhouse: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)
Even the worst dreck can trigger fond memories
I realize this is a bad movie. But I like it. It's incomprehensible, features some rather insulting Casablanca references (as the MST3K cast said, never put a good movie in your bad movie), and frankly it's astonishing that it contained so many good actors. (Really! Raul Julia stars, and there are also a lot of very talented character actors who basically sleepwalk through their parts in this movie. Goodness knows how they were talked into doing it.)
The direction is practically nonexistent. I'm convinced the actors are making up the blocking on their own. The cinematography is terrible, except in the stock footage of African wildlife used for Fingel's dopple. And the whole thing reeks of the kind of "social commentary" fiction I used to write when I was in ninth grade. (Wretched stuff, really.) MST3K really is the best venue for this film, even if the fat jokes got a bit old.
Nevertheless, I have a soft spot in my heart for this movie. When I was little, this movie was shown on the local PBS station. I must've been nine or ten, and for years I only remembered tiny snippets -- a glowing cube, somebody going into a computer and making it snow indoors, and, of course, my first introduction to "Casablanca." My brother, who couldn't have been more than 7, was my only corroboration for having seen this movie because he remembered it too, twelve years later when I mentioned it over dinner after watching "Casablanca."
And so began my crusade to find this movie. All I knew was that it had a floating cube, a shootout in a restaurant resembling Rick's "Cafe Americain," indoor snow, and a scene where a schoolchild almost spilled mustard on a man's exposed brain.
It wasn't until my junior year of college that I found it, in the sci-fi section of the Northfield Video Update. I watched it, and was astonished at how amateurish the movie was. It was fun to see Raul Julia, who had recently passed on, and I decided that the movie was intensely cheezy, probably disliked by most (and with good reason), but that it had it's own particular charms. I do have a soft spot for cheeze, after all.
So it was with great joy that I discovered MST3K was doing the movie. Sadly, I kept missing that episode. This year, I finally managed to catch it via timed record. And it was worth the wait. It's a pretty typical MST3K episode, but for me nothing can dim the charm of this crazy film. It's a bad movie, make no mistake there. The actors mostly seem embarrassed to be in it and are working without the benefit of direction. The script is putrid. The music is hilariously bad. The general effect is only slightly less comprehensible than the "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite" segment at the end of "2001." But I still like it, for some inexplicable reason.
As a footnote, I saw "Total Recall" a few years before I finally rediscovered this movie. Although I could not remember much of "Overdrawn" at the time, "Total Recall" still brought back memories and left me with the nagging feeling that I had seem the same thing done better sometime previously. Strange how the memory cheats. Maybe I've become overdrawn at the memory bank myself!
The Dark Crystal (1982)
Puppetry so real you'd think they'd hired aliens
This movie represents, to me, the best in a short list of great films using true puppetry to achieve cinema magic. There are no humans in this movie, and yet not a single shot was achieved through stop-motion photography or pre-programmed animatronics. Obviously, it also uses no CGI. I do wish more filmmakers would realize the inherent strengths of puppetry over CGI; it's really no more expensive when you consider that you won't have to spend time worrying about lighting your virtual actor and your real actors the same way, nor will you have the lengthy post-production a CGI character requires.
"The Dark Crystal" is a story about a gelfling (a small, elfin humanoid) named Jen. He has been raised by the large, ponderous Mystics who adopted him when his clan was destroyed by the Garthim (giant beetles who work for the cruel Skeksis). He believes that he is the only gelfling left alive, although he later meets a female named Kira who also believed she was the last, having been adopted and raised by Podlings (fun-loving potato-like people). The two embark on a quest to save their world from the cruel Skeksis, who will become all powerful if they are allowed to take the power of the Great Conjunction (this world has three suns) as focused through the Dark Crystal.
You see, a thousand years ago, this world was "green and good," until the wise and powerful urSkeks who ruled the world decided to use the coming Great Conjunction (whose power would be focused through the Crystal) to burn all the evil out of themselves. It worked better than they had expected, and split them into two selves: the gentle Mystics and the cruel Skeksis. The Skeksis immediately threw the Mystics out of their castle, then, in a rage, one of them took a swing at the Crystal, hitting it so hard a shard flew out of it, darkening the Crystal. A gelfling prophet then had a vision which said that the next time a Great Conjunction came around, a gelfling would return the shard to the Dark Crystal, healing it and preventing the Skeksis from getting the power needed to make themselves immortal, which would presumably destroy the Mystics as well. (They're long-lived, but definitely not immortal.) To prevent this, the Skeksis embarked on a campaign to eradicate all the gelflings. They missed two: Jen and Kira. It is their job now to make sure the Prophecy comes true -- at any cost.
There are no humans in this movie, although occasionally midgets and dwarves wore gelfling or Aughra costumes to portray the characters doing things a puppet could not do (like jumping through a window or falling down a hill). By far the most expressive of all the characters is the Chamberlain (Skek Sil) played by the one-and-only Frank Oz. He sneers, he smiles, he simpers, he whimpers, his eyes go wild with terror, he hisses, he shrieks...and it's all completely believeable. The Mystics, portrayed by dancers and mimes, do their parts in incredibly difficult postures (squatting with one arm outstretched to operate the head) and yet manage to move with a ponderous grace that clearly communicates great age and great wisdom. Fizgig is perfect -- a little doglike furball with a truly enormous mouth for his size. Frank Oz once described one of his characters, Aughra, as "spectacularily ugly," and such she is -- and it's beautiful. She's a unique character, and seems to be the only one of her species on this planet. She also provides a nice counterpoint to the Scientist (a Skeksis) -- he represents the dark, exploitative side of science, while she represents the pure thirst for knowledge. Interestingly, she ends up imprisioned by the Scientist at one point, which I see as symbolic of how the quest for knowledge becomes so often imprisoned to favor the quick return of producing a nice commercial product (in the Scientist's case, he turns the Podlings into mindless slave workers and also produces Essence, a liquid which is extracted from living creatures and which is a powerful -- if temporary -- restorative).
All these creatures are beautiful. There are the occasional bluescreen problems, but for the most part the characters were clearly meant to live without the aid of additional special effects. Thousands of unique creatures flit about the dense forest where Kira lives. Rat-like creatures eat the table scraps tossed by the Skeksis. Strange organisms cross the line between plant and animal, with moving plants and stationary animals. And above all this are the rich cultural worlds of the Mystics, the Skeksis, the Podlings, Aughra, and even the virtually extinct Gelflings, who have left behind extensive ruins near the Podling village. This is a world that sucks you in, living and breathing all around you. And now that it's available on DVD, I have seen it on widescreen for the first time -- and it's even more spectacular than I ever knew. It's not mere special effects. To borrow a line from another film, it's a kind of magic. Really. As Jim Henson once said of puppetry, "it's as close to real magic as you ever get."
Fail Safe (1964)
How do you show your good will when your own bombers are about to mistakenly nuke Moscow?
That's the biggest moral dilemma this movie puts in front of its characters. It falls to the President (ably played by Henry Fonda) to make the agonizing decision of how to handle the situation without causing a global thermonuclear war.
From the Soviet point of view, here's what happens. The hot line in Moscow rings. The premier picks it up to hear the American president explaining that three unstoppable bombers are on their way to obliterate Moscow. Oh, but it was an accident. We didn't mean to send them out, sorry. And we can't call them back, because they're beyond their fail safe position (and thus are trained to maintain complete radio silence and ignore any communication they may receive), and we can't shoot them down because they're way out of our range. Sorry. Our bad.
The pacing of the movie moves from a calm, cool tone while various media figures are shown around the facility in charge of all the bombers. Then it picks up a tiny bit as the facility detects a bogie over Hudson Bay. And this is where the situation begins that eventually leads to the erroneous deployment of a nuclear strike against the Soviet Union. Although it seems small at the time, this is the metaphorical horseshoe nail that loses the kingdom. ("For want of a nail....") From this point, the movie steadily increases the suspence as progressively more drastic measures are taken in the effort to stop these bombers, with the situation growing more desperate by the moment. I started out firmly positioned on my seat, but by the end I had moved further and further forward towards the edge of my seat until eventually I couldn't even sit still. Too much suspense.
There are quite a lot of technical errors in the film (for instance, due to the Air Force refusing to assist in the film, they had to resort to a fairly limited set of stock footage for the shots of aircraft, which are thus extremely inaccurate) but it remains a good movie. If you can ignore the errors in set design and stock footage and concentrate instead on the dialog (which is where the action is anyway), watching people rise to the challenge or snap under the pressure, this is a movie you will never, ever forget.
Small Soldiers (1998)
Vaguely entertaining, but all-in-all a wasted opportunity
I was vaguely entertained watching for the references to other films (of which there were many -- sad to say it, but nearly all the "good stuff" in this movie, such as it was, was stolen from other movies). But it got old very quickly. When "Ride of the Valkyrie's" played I wondered if we were going to see a helicopter fly in, a la "Apocalypse Now." And yes, we did! And just to rub it in a bit further, the pilot of said helicopter (Chip Hazard, voiced by Tommy Lee Jones) says, "I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning."
Ha ha ha. We get it, Joe Dante. We got it right away. You didn't have to stretch it out. Or maybe he did have to stretch it out -- filler to hide the lack of actual scriptwriting, perhaps?
The late lamented Phil Hartman put in an excellent performance in this as the obnoxious, one-upping, technofreak, materialistic yuppy. Indeed, it is a testement to his talent that he managed to redeem some small amount of the irony and social commentary that the movie was busy bludgeoning to death. It was enjoyable seeing Robert Picardo in his small but perfectly done role, and the "good" toy designer (I forget his name) was a joy to watch.
The rest of the film, with a few very small exceptions, was utter dreck. The sledgehammer approach that this movie used was particularily offensive, as was the way that the movie worked so hard at hammering its grudges into the audience's collective skull. I think that Joe Dante often mistakes the airing of his own private grudges for thematic development, and this hurts the movie very badly. It comes across as a bitter, angry fusion of "Toy Story" and "Gremlins," leaning far closer to "Gremlins" in its utter lack of decency and character development.
(Then again, the lack of character development should be unsurprising considering the lack of character.)
Messages from this film: bribery works. Money is more important than personal values. Parents never understand their children and don't want to. War is evil and horrible unless small children are winning. Defense contractors have the power to hand out DoD security clearances like candy. Children can reasonably be left in charge of a store for a whole weekend. A sleeping pill overdose (paired with alcohol consumption) will wear off with no ill effects in under an hour. And it's funny to put said sleeping pill overdose into your parents' gin and tonic. An electromagnetic pulse (EMP) equivalent to a nuclear blast can be generated by placing a small plastic toy between two random spots on a pair of relatively low-voltage transformers. Said blast with neither electrocute a child attatched to the toy, nor wipe out all electronic devices within its operative radius, nor cause any other problems lasting more than a few seconds. Oh, and a satellite dish is adequate shielding, but is apparently too expensive for military use.
I am forgiving the magic microchips that power the toys. Any movie like this requires a few leaps of faith, and I'm figuring that since the premise requires these magic microchips, this is the leap of faith I should make. The rest, however, is complete balderdash.
One last comment: some have spoken of the "funny" Gwendy doll scene. Forgiving the obvious plot holes required to make one chip power all of those dolls (and their total lack of armatures, power sources, etc), I felt the use of the dolls was despicable. What could have been a brilliant jab at Barbie turned into a remake of "Frankenhooker." Nice going, Joe Dante.
Comic Relief: Doctor Who - The Curse of Fatal Death (1999)
A funny and surprisingly apt nostalgia piece
Being American, I was unable to watch this 4-part, 30-minute skit in all its PAL-encoded glory. Instead, I watched it in the grainy RealVideo version provided for a short time by the BBC. I was blown away.
Astonishingly, this comedy sketch captured the essence of "Doctor Who" better than the 1996 film (although Paul McGann's performance was magnificent, the rest of the film was mediocre). There are cheap sets, identical corridors to run down, backstory to be related by the Doctor, popular old villains (including the Master and the Daleks), the TARDIS.... Even the music was genuine, recycled from many old "Doctor Who" episodes.
Plus, this skit had quite possibly the most star-studded cast "Doctor Who" will ever have. And they were all working for free.
Rowan Atkinson played the Ninth Doctor surprisingly straight; if the series does pick up again, he'd be an admirable choice for the part. Julia Sawalha portrays his companion (and fiancee!) Emma, a classic Who companion who manages to never look stupid when she asks the Doctor to explain the situation. The incomparable Jonathan Pryce plays possibly the hammiest Master yet, with strong shades of Anthony Ainley showing through. And as beautiful as the past voices of the Master might be, Pryce has a real gift in his voice for playing villains.
In the last episode, the Doctor regenerates repeatedly, showing us Richard E Grant (the Doctor has now been played by both Withnail *and* I!), Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant and, of course, Joanna Lumley. All characterizations of the Doctor, although done for laughs, are flawless. The Daleks are their usual horrid selves.
This skit was the highest-rating portion of the Comic Relief marathon. Perhaps this should tell the BBC something? For instance, it could tell them they *don't* have to do a big-budget "Doctor Who" to satisfy their audience!
K-9 and Company: A Girl's Best Friend (1981)
Spinoffs rarely succeed
Spin-offs rarely get anywhere, and "K-9 and Company" is no exception. Now that I have the videotape, I've seen this. I liked it; it's very true to the spirit of "Doctor Who," with a touch of "The Avengers" thrown in. I always was a fan of both K-9 and Sarah Jane Smith; the chance to see them together was simply irresistable.
This takes the tried-and-true "Doctor Who" formula of a mysterious cult with supernatural powers terrorizing the local populace -- "Image of the Fendahl," "Masque of Mandragora," and "Stones of Blood" all toyed with this.
This one takes a more detective-like approach, and benefits well from it.
Unfortunately, I think this pilot was doomed by its opening sequence. The theme song will make you want to beat your head against the wall, because anything else is prefereable to listening to the theme. "K-9. K-9. K-9." That's the lyrics. I think this failed pilot works quite well to support my thesis that unpopular or failed spin-offs generally have really stupid theme songs, while the original show has some terribly memorable and catchy thing.
Mystery Men (1999)
good acting and writing make for a believable and respectful spoof
The movie has a several excellent performances, from William Macy's fine performance as The Shoveler to Greg Kinnear's marvellously shallow (the character, not the performance) Captain Amazing. Even the bit parts are good, with the beautifully quiet role of Blue Raja's Mother performed to a tee, and with the exact blend of mad scientist and car mechanic to pull off Doc Heller. The movie suffers the most from Monica, apparently played as a store mannequin. Fortunately, the director had the skill to work around her enormous weaknesses. The villain, Casanova Frankenstein, is a lesson in how to do a real melodramatic bad guy. The Sphinx is the best spoof I've ever seen of the "wise sage" character. And The Bowler is the best supporting female I've seen in an action movie in years. She doesn't scream and simper, she doesn't throw herself at any of the heros (including the attractive ones), and she sticks up for herself. This is a spoof of comic books and of superhero movies. But it doens't allow the spoof to ruin the story; there are real characters here, with genuine motivations and actual character development. If you're a fan of the superhero genre, see this immediately.
The Avengers (1998)
What great show will Hollywood disgrace next?
This movie is a disgrace to the filmmaking profession. Uma Thurman is more wooden than a 2X4. Sean Connery puts in his usual charm-the-legs-off-a-mule performance, but it is completely destroyed by the editing, the framing, and pretty much everything else in the movie. In fact, he once said that if there were a license to kill, he would've used it to kill the producers and directors of this movie. He liked the script, but was horrified by the result.
There is one kind of neat scene where Emma Peel (Thurman) is trapped in a black-and-white room (which has just the right starkness to remind one of the TV show) which she can't leave because of a Escher-style staircase that puts her right back where she started. But that's the only neat scene. The rest is pure tripe.
The worst part is the disgrace this film heaps upon the series. "The Avengers" was a great show, with charm, wit, and an inability to take itself too seriously. This movie has none of those. It shames the entire franchise, shames the performance of Diana Rigg as Emma Peel, shames the career of Sean Connery, and then shames anybody unfortunate enough to watch it.
One wonders which great institution of British television will be destroyed next. "The Prisoner" perhaps? "Doctor Who"? "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"? "Blake's Seven"? Only time will tell. When the time comes, I'll be hiding in the broom closet.