Old Crow-2 Reviews

Catwoman (2004)

Well, it was quite stupid...

[4/10 · 21 January 2005]

"Catwoman" is one of those movies which have such a bad reputation that you just have to watch them to see how bad they really are. To be honest I didn't find this "piece of cat litter" that horrible (After all, I gave it four out of ten), but it is very disappointing considering the people who worked on it.

"Vidocq", the previous film by Pitof, was quite a refreshing piece of old-fashioned mystery and thriller. Above all else, it was visually stunning and very vibrant. "Catwoman" also looks very sleek, but there just isn't enough substance. The whole plot is ridiculous and so simple it could've been written by school kids (Halle's transformation into Catwoman doesn't make much sense). On the performance side there's not much to say either. I think Halle is a fine actress, but here she just mews stupid one-liners like "Cat got your tongue?" (for some reason she reminds me of Arnold in "Batman & Robin"... weird, I know). And her controversial dress, well, let's just say Michelle Pfeiffer did it better in 1992. Sharon Stone, another okay actress when given proper material, goes totally over-the-top which is not a good thing, at least not in this case.

I would say "Catwoman" is worth just a rental, it isn't the most horrible film in the world but it certainly isn't good either. For a better "Catwoman" experience get "Batman Returns" with Michelle Pfeiffer.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

Simply disgusting and beyond stupid.

[1/10 · 19 October 2004]

I was warned before watching this movie, but nothing could prepare me for this kind of an "experience". Never have I seen anything so disturbing or disgusting in my entire life. One of the worst "movies" I have ever seen. I did laugh, but after the film I had a really horrible feeling. The first thing I wanted to do afterwards? Watch "Finding Nemo".

It's scary that some people actually enjoyed this film. Maybe this was supposed to be a comedy, but was all that gore really necessary? And why was that stupid kid everywhere, they should've killed him. And the final fight with the warden... I thought the movie couldn't possibly get any worse, but it did.

There should be laws against this film and I'm sure there are, at least in the sensible countries of this crazy world.

Big Fish (2003)

Most directors will tell you stories straight through. It won't be complicated, but it won't be interesting either.

[10/10 · 22 June 2004]

Think about all the directors in Hollywood. How many truly unique talents are there? Not many, I'd say. And how many directors actually have a recognizable style? Even fewer. Steven Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, the ZAZ team... Those are the names that come to my mind. But there's one person who rises above all the others, and that man is Tim Burton.

I have been a fan of Tim Burton's work for a long time. I've seen all of his full-length movies expect "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" and the only one that doesn't really feel like a Burton flick is the watchable-yet-disappointing "The Planet Of The Apes". It was okay for a summer blockbuster, but it lacked that special Burton magic. All the other movies of his are as Burtonesque as they could possibly be. I even like "Mars Attacks!" a lot which is a movie Burton fans either seem to love or hate. It's hard to name my favorite of Burton's productions, they are all quite different in spite of having the magical Burton touch. In Tim's movies fantasy meets reality and the results are like fairy tales with dark undertones. "Ed Wood" is Tim's most realistic film to date, but it also manages to be more than just a typical biography movie. It might have been shot black-and-white, but it's definitely one of, if not the most, colorful story about a life of a person who actually existed.

When I first read about "Big Fish" I was a little skeptical because I thought it would be a typical family drama. But thank God it was Tim Burton who was directing it. All my doubts disappeared when I saw the trailer for the film. Having seen the film itself I'd say that the trailer is actually one of the best I've ever seen.

It's really refreshing to see a movie which is sad, funny, touching and heart-warming at the same time. I don't think the film ever turns into a tear-jerker as the "realistic" parts of the film are very life-like. And in the hands of a bland director the "fantasy" parts could've become a real mess. But with Burton at the helm, we are treated to his greatest hits. We get weird and captivating characters (witches, Siamese twins, also a werewolf...), stunning images and colors, Danny Elfman's gorgeous score, the exactly right amount of humor and those wild stories. The stories Ed Bloom tells might not be 100% true, but they sure are entertaining!

And the cast... Tim Burton once again got a great team to work with. The main players are Albert Finney and Ewan McGregor who are both outstanding and worth at least a few awards. Smaller roles are played by Billy Crudup, Jessica Lange, Alison Lohman, Steve Buscemi, Danny DeVito and Helena Bonham-Carter. Their roles might be small, but they all contribute something special to the story. Many people have complained about Jessica Lange being wasted in such a small role. I don't think she was wasted at all. The most beautiful scene of the film has Sandra Bloom getting into a bathtub fully-clothed with her dying husband and only a few words are spoken during this scene. More dialog is not needed as the two highly talented actors show what they are capable of.

"Big Fish" is a movie that will definitely become a Burton classic. It would have deserved bigger box office grosses, but as one reviewer put it, the movie will more likely become more popular on small screen and gain more and more popularity over the years. It's a bit sad that people spend so much money on totally forgettable "entertainment" and let true jewels like "Big Fish" pass by. On the other hand, those brainless productions will be forgotten in a blink of an eye while the gems will live on. Just like Edward Bloom's stories in the movie.

Full points. It's a classic.

Candyman: Day of the Dead (1999 Video)

A "horror" sequel that doesn´t even have any sex (involving the blond bimbo)! Shame on you, film makers!

[2/10 · 10 January 2004]

I´ve seen the original Candyman once and it was quite an effective horror movie that seems to be regarded as a modern horror classic. I have not seen the first sequel and I have no intention whatsoever to even think about renting it. Maybe they´ll show it on TV and I can catch it if I don´t have anything better to do.

Candyman 3... The third part in a horror series can´t be that good (the only exception being Scream 3), it just can´t. To be honest, the only reason why I bothered to watch this movie was that I was sure they would show the leading lady naked at some point. At least in teen horror flicks you get to see naked ladies. Well, we do get some breasts, but they don´t belong to the main lady. I kept waiting and waiting till the very end and what did I get? NOTHING! Instead of some skin the people who most likely accidentally ended up seeing the movie got a stupid brainless movie with mediocre-at-best performances and hilarious one-liners. If it´s blood that you want then check this one because there´ll be lots of it.

I´m sure everyone who was involved in this production is proud of this piece of crap. It must look so good on one´s résumé. How come people accept roles in movies like this? Why???? Why do people write garbage like this???? I wish I knew...

X2 (2003)

X2: Bigger And Better

[8/10 · 9 January 2004]

I´m not a huge fan of movies based on comics. I´m not into comics either. I didn´t care that much for Spider-Man which was way too overrated. X-Men, on the other hand, was a movie that I liked a lot, though I had no idea what the comic was all about. The only thing I knew was that there were these mutants and... well, that was it. The first X-Men movie was given quite good reviews and that might have been the reason why I went to see it. The movie also had a very promising cast. In wrong hands X-Men could´ve been a real turkey. Luckily the filmmakers succeeded in creating a wonderful adventure with fantastic effects and interesting characters. Since the movie did well at the box office a sequel was guaranteed. Part One being such a good movie it wasn´t bad news at all. When watching X2 I got the feeling that this movie wasn´t a "compulsory" sequel. Men In Black II, for example, was obviously a sequel that just had to be done. That was so obvious and the MIIB was a major disappointment. It´s still possible to create a sequel that´s on the same level with its predecessor. Take the Mummy, for example. In my opinion both parts were equally good. It´s the same thing with X-Men: Part One was great, Part Two is at least as good. One of the strong points of X2 is its talented cast. Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman, James Marsden, Halle Berry, Famke Janssen, Alan Cumming... They all do great work in this film. My favorite X-Person is Famke Janssen who looks stunning with red hair. She and Halle Berry prove that even Bond girls can have real movie careers if you work hard. The special effects are also first-class stuff and there´s a good amount of humor too. X2 was a bit long and had it been a not-so-good movie it would´ve been a negative thing. But since the movie keeps the momentum going all through its running time I´m willing to overlook this minor thing. Now we just have to wait for X3...

Analyze That (2002)

I analyzed it: wasn´t that good

[4/10 · 9 January 2004]

I saw "Analyze This" when it came on video some years ago and I liked it, it wasn´t exactly a laugh-out-loud comedy, but funny enough. One of its strong points was its cast: Robert DeNiro was perfect and Billy Crystal knows how to do comedy. Since then I have seen the film a few times on TV and I wouldn´t mind watching it once more. I can´t say the same about "Analyze That", though. The film is a real let-down and worth not missing.

"Analyze That" has everything expect for jokes that really work. The cast is without doubt full of rock-solid talents and everybody gives a good performance. I´ve always considered Lisa Kudrow my favorite of the Friends and in this film she has been given a few amusing lines. But where can you go with a script that simply isn´t funny? I was very disappointed in this film, you should get more from such a movie as "Analyze That".

I guess "Analyze That" is just another sequel made because of the success of the first part. Too bad most of the sequels are made just because of money and no one cares about the script (another example: "MIIB"). Hopefully the poor box-office performance shows that "Analyze This & That Too" isn´t on the list of most-wanted movies.

Johnny English (2003)

English, Johnny English.

[6/10 · 9 January 2004]

I love Mr. Bean. The TV show was hilarious and so was the movie. I saw the movie twice in 1997 and I can´t remember any other audiences laughing as hard as back then. In fact, Bean was one of the biggest, if not the biggest, box office hit of 1997 in Finland.

Now Rowan Atkinson is back and this time he´s playing Johnny English. When I saw the teaser for this movie I knew this was one film not to be missed, Rowan Atkinson being one of the best comedians in the world. When the movie premiered a few weeks ago I read some lukewarm reviews and started thinking if the movie was worth seeing after all. Finally I decided to catch Johnny English during its theater run.

First I have to say that I´ve never been to a movie that equally attracts kids, teens and adults. All these groups were well represented in the showing. That alone tells something about the popularity of Rowan Atkinson. Did I like the movie? Yes, I did. Was it perfect? No, it wasn´t. It wasn´t as funny as Bean, but on the other hand this isn´t Bean. The movie had plenty of hilarious scenes and Rowan Atkinson played his part very well. I have actually just two complaints: 1) Poo jokes are not funny (unless you are 5 years old), and 2) one joke/scene was stolen from the Naked Gun 2½. Other than that there are no other major flaws. This isn´t the most original movie out there and as a Bond parody it´s still below the Austin Powers trilogy (at least the first two movies), but if you went to see this expecting Oscar material you must have been out of your mind. These movies are meant to make you relax and laugh, not to make you think about the problems of our lives. And as brainless entertainment Johnny English doesn´t fail. Johnny English is actually the only hilarious character in the movie, all the others are more or less "serious" characters. John Malkovich obviously has lots of fun with his role and French accent, but they could´ve written more jokes for him too. Natalia Imbruglia won´t get any major awards for her performance, but she´s still better than one might expect. I´d recommend Johnny English to all of you who enjoyed the Bean movie. If you don´t even like Rowan Atkinson don´t go see this.

Unbreakable (2000)

It´s not the Sixth Sense, but it does come close

[7/10 · 9 January 2004]

M. Night Shyamalan´s The Sixth Sense was a quite impressive piece of psychological suspense. I saw it in a theater and the end really caught me, and everybody else, offguard. Next Shyamalan did Unbreakable and then my favorite of these three movies, Signs. Unbreakable is an above-average thriller/drama, but still I find it somewhat weaker than the Sixth Sense or Signs. And in this case "weaker" isn´t a huge drawback as Unbreakable would still beat 90% of all the so-called psychological thrillers coming out of Hollywood every other second. Only few films manage to create heavy atmospheres and suspenseful moments and even fewer films have talented actors. Bruce Willis might not the greatest actor in Hollywood, but he knows how to do his job well. Samuel L. Jackson is also a very reliable actor and I´m sure that the fact that these two men were both in the third Die Hard movie helped to create the chemistry necessary for movies like this. Unbreakable is a solid dark thriller, but not as good as Signs or The Sixth Sense. I watched this movie dubbed in German (don´t ask me why...) so I might have missed some more or less important points... Oh well.

Wonder Boys (2000)

Sometimes the good ones just go unnoticed...

[8/10 · 9 January 2004]

If I go to see a movie in a theater it has to be a really special movie. Either it´s the kind of a movie that has to be seen on big screen or it´s just an other kind of an "event" (critically-acclaimed, award-winning etc.). I prefer watching dramas and "real-life" stories on small screen. But still I find it surprising that only few people went to see Wonder Boys during its theatrical run. I watched Wonder Boys on DVD a few days ago and it was a pure gem of a movie. I had read tons of positive reviews and since my friend had bought the disc I figured it had to be at least watchable. I have nothing against dumb big-budget blockbusters, but you miss a lot if you watch just those kind of movies. In movies like Wonder Boys the stage belongs to the cast and the story. Michael Douglas is without a doubt one of the most talented actors working in Hollywood. He can do drama, comedy (Romancing The Stone, The War Of The Roses) and thriller (A Perfect Murder, Disclosure, The Game). Frances McDormand, who has fantastic in Fargo, impresses as well, and so does everybody else. And if you thought Tobey Maguire was good in the overrated Spider-Man be sure to check Wonder Boys. Wonder Boys is a successful mixture of real life drama and comedy and it certainly deserves multiple viewings. Highly recommended.

Magnolia (1999)

If you think your life is miserable...

[9/10 · 9 January 2004]

Being a movie fan I had read quite a lot about Magnolia before actually seeing it. Watching a movie that´s 180 minutes long didn´t interest me that much so I decided to wait and see the film when I felt like it. Sometime ago the movie was shown on TV and I got a chance to see whether the movie´s worth all the praises and awards given to it. I missed a few minutes of the movie because I just can´t watch a 180-minute movie without any breaks. Nonetheless, the movie itself was superb. Sure, it was long, but in the end it didn´t actually feel like a long movie. Magnolia is a real character-driven movie with every person somehow related to the big picture. Every cast member deserves nothing but praises as all the characters must have been very hard to play. Julianne Moore especially stands out, I think the scene in which she loses her temper in the drug store is absolutely amazing. She is a very versatile actress capable of doing all kinds of genres. I have never seen her in a better movie! You also get to see Tom Cruise in quite an unusual role. Tom might be considered more a "pretty face" than an actual actor, but in Magnolia he shows what he can do. Magnolia is worth all the hype. It´s an emotional story about people with quite a lot of problems. It´s not a feel-good movie and not the movie to be watched when in need of cheering-up. But when you want to see real film-making at its best Magnolia is the movie to turn to.

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

A classy piece of work

[8/10 · 9 January 2004]

Forget all the explosions, car chases, crazy villains, special effects... The Thomas Crown Affair is not an action movie. It´s not even a thriller. Instead, it´s a well-done cat-and-mouse movie that´s smart, entertaining and very sexy. If you had to use one word to describe the film it would have to be sophisticated. The movie might appeal more to mature audiences as both the leading man and the leading lady are over 40 years old. Pierce Brosnan can obviously do other roles beside James Bond, but the role of Thomas Crown is at least somewhat similar to 007. Both guys "enjoy women" and are very suave. Overall, Brosnan gives a solid performance and is overshadowed only by Rene Russo who simply oozes sexuality and class. She is simply perfect in her role and though she´s twice as old as I am I find her a real knockout. Not only is she extremely hot, but also a very talented and charismatic actress. A perfect combination! The classy dance scene between Brosnan and Russo belongs to the most sexually-charged scenes in history and the following love-making scene manages to be both sexy and stylish. Usually nude scenes in Hollywood movies seem somehow "uneasy", but in this movie the scene is done in real style and with sensual music the atmosphere is sizzling. Who would want a disposable bimbo like Britney Spears when you could have a real class-act woman like Rene Russo? I would also like to mention Bill Conti whose simple yet refined music is simply outstanding. Just listen to the music during the scene in which Crown and Banning go glider flying... You can just close your eyes and listen to this wonderful music. Now I have to find the soundtrack for this film! I guess I should mention that I´ve never seen the original Thomas Crown, but now I don´t even have to bother as its updated version is a true pleasure to watch. I have nothing negative to say about it so just go get this film on DVD and enjoy!

Mimic (1997)

Want some bugs who mimic humans?

[7/10 · 9 January 2004]

Most of the so-called sci-fi movies are pure crap. They are all fiction and no science. Every now and then someone manages to do a movie that´s pure sci-fi, but feels more science than fiction. If all the sci-fi movies were 100% realistic they wouldn´t be that fun to watch. Creating dinosaurs from DNA is totally impossible, but Steven Spielberg´s Jurassic Park was still great. On the other hand, Armageddon was a horrible movie that was so fiction that it made me sick. You get the picture.

Biology, especially genetics, is a very popular subject in modern sci-fi movies. People read about genes in newspapers and hear how they´re used to create genetically-manipulated plants and animals. Then they see Hollywood movies which throw every "natural" thing out of the window and make up their own laws and facts. It´s okay if you recognize the mistakes, but if you absorb every "fact" from these movies you are in trouble. I kind of enjoy watching stupid movies dealing with biology because it´s fun to search for all the mistakes and plot holes.

In Mimic we have bugs that mimic human beings. The bugs have been genetically-modified as they were created to kill the carrier of a dangerous virus. The bugs were not supposed to reproduce, but surprise surprise, those little creatures found a way to evolve into huge mega bugs that mimic and kill Homo sapiens, their creator. Okay, that´s not very realistic. It sounds a bit stupid, too. It took three years for the small beetles to evolve into bigger-than-man monsters... That couldn´t happen in three years which is a very short period of time as far as evolution is concerned. And the whole mimicing thing doesn´t sound very sensible.

But that doesn´t matter. You can´t watch this movie and expect science-fact. I can honestly say that I enjoyed Mimic. It´s an entertaining B-movie with a surprisingly good cast and scary-enough atmosphere. It actually feels more like a small-budget indie. The bugs itself look a bit comical and I think that they shouldn´t have shown them at all, until the very end, of course. Big doesn´t necessarily mean scary... Arachnophobia with its small spiders was a lot better and scarier than the weak Eight Legged Freaks which had computer-generated mega spiders running around.

Mimic might be somewhat stupid and silly, but it´s still a good movie. One should never expect realistic science stuff from Hollywood because that´s something that´s never going to happen. Just turn your brain off, put the DVD on and enjoy.

Seinfeld (1989–1998)

A show about nothing is really something!

[9 January 2004]

America is the home of sitcoms. Some of them are good, most of them are terrible. I´ve never liked those stupid laugh tracks, I´ve always thought that they are there just for passive American viewers who can´t tell good jokes from bad ones. Those brainless consumers of television entertainment need to be told when the stuff they´re watching is "funny". In some other parts of the world people recognize the funny bits without any help. I know laugh tracks are used in the UK as well, but compared to the American sitcoms British productions are usually a lot better and more unique. The laugh tracks don´t bother that much when the sitcom´s actually a very good one, but there are just very few American sitcoms worth watching: Seinfeld, Just Shoot Me, The 3rd Rock From The Sun, Frasier... Seinfeld is a pure pleasure to watch. It´s a perfect combination of original storylines (about nothing...), hilarious characters and unforgettable vocabulary. Elaine and Gorge are the best characters; other memorable people are George´s parents (you gotta love them!), Newman, Soup Nazi, Peterman... the list just goes on! Every single episode has moments you can´t forget. Remember Festivus? Bubble boy? How about the phrase "yada yada yada"? These are just few examples of Seinfeld´s superiority. The show really is about nothing and the plot of an episode might be all about a fungus cream or being lost in a parking lot. Seinfeld manages to turn all kinds of subjects into comedic masterpieces. Seinfeld is the Number One of all sitcoms. It´s simply sensational. The show ended a few years ago, but re-runs are still shown all over the world (thank God!). Like many others I´m eagerly waiting for the DVD release of all the seasons. Believe it or not, you can watch Seinfeld episodes over and over again and they never get boring!

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Evil should find its way to the grave - may I be the one to show the way?

[3/10 · 17 May 2003]

Those people who find these stupid slasher movies scary should see a shrink and start watching quality movies like The Ring. All these Halloween and Jason movies are for brainless people who like watching pure garbage and teens getting killed. Yes, I did rent Halloween Part I-can´t-even-remember, but I could watch only the first 15 minutes or so. Now someone thinks I was scared... Hmmm, in a way I was scared: scared of what this kind of crap could to my mental health. Halloween Part One was good, Part Two was okay and H20 was surprisingly good. I have no interest what-so-ever to see Parts 3-6. Once I actually saw some parts of Halloween 6 on the German RTL and I must say it was pretty awful. So, as Halloween Resurrection begins we are told that it wasn´t Michael Myers who lost his head in the end of H20. Oh really? What an original plot twist. Now Michael´s back for Laurie who (finally?) gets butchered. I feel sorry for Jamie Lee Curtis whom I´ve always found a decent actress, to say the least. But to see her in a crappy film like this shows that she´s really in need of (good) movie roles. Why did you do this, Jamie?

Michael Myers isn´t scary. Jason Voorhees isn´t scary. Freddy isn´t scary. Those people who saw this movie in a theater, now those guys are scary! And guess what, Michael´s still alive! I can imagine the screenwriters trying to come up with a surprising ending: "Hey guys, I have an idea... What if Michael didn´t die in the end? Now wouldn´t that be cool and spooky?" And one one saw it coming, honest! I just came up with an idea... We could put all the people responsible for stupid brainless scary movies in a house, lock the doors and put all the lights out. Then we could give knives to folks who like quality stuff and let them butcher every single horror freak in the house. That would be so much fun and we would be praised by the following generations who were saved from having to watch horrible movies. I´m willing to pay for all the knives. I really hope that all those who were involved in Halloween Resurrection never get to work again, unless they manage to do something well. Which is very unlikely, judging from the work I just witnessed. I guess they are all like Michael... You can run, but you can´t hide from them. Oh crap.

Jason X (2001)

Jason, why don´t you just be a good boy and die! PLEASE!!!!

[2/10 · 17 May 2003]

Sometime ago I was actually thinking about watching all the Friday the 13th movies in order they were released, but after seeing Jason X I changed my mind. Never again am I going to pay to see crap like this.

I rented Jason X fully aware of the fact that it´s a stupid "horror" movie. I just thought I might take it as a comedy and that way it could be entertaining. I was so wrong. Jason X is a horrible movie and it´s not even scary. You know those Teletubbies? Now those guys are really scary! In one of my nightmares I run into them on a dark street and then I wake up screaming. But this Jason Voorhees does nothing to me. A 5-year old kid would be scared of him, but come on, the whole Jason myth is just plain stupid. How many times has he been killed? Some weirdos seem to get their kicks watching Jason slaughtering young people, but any normal human being should find it sick. The whole Friday the 13th series just shows that all that the film makers want is just money from the freak fans who obviously exist. I believe this was the 10th movie in the series and I´ve read that all the parts are all the same: Jason somehow comes back to life and starts killing. This just goes out to prove the stupidity of people and film makers.

Jason X should be buried as deep as possible and left there. On the other hand the movie is such waste that it might not even decay. Still, it´s our job to take care of the garbage so that the next generations don´t have to suffer the way we did.

As a final note I´d like to say that someone please kill that goddamn Jason or put all the film makers responsible behind the bars.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Eddie Murphy in a really bad movie! How original!

[3/10 · 17 May 2003]

It´s not a good sign when a movie´s been shelved for two years before it´s finally released. And when it actually premieres it´s not even shown to the critics. Studio executives say that the special effects needed fixing until the very last minute, but people know the truth. The product sucks big time.

Pluto Nash is an awful comedy. Behind the polished and fine-looking surface there´s a crappy movie that wants to be so much, but ends up being a total flop. When Eddie Murphy´s good he´s really good ("the Nutty Professor", "Bowfinger"), but when he´s awful he really sucks ("Pluto Nash", "Metro"). I haven´t seen "I Spy" or "Showtime" yet, but being a movie fan I know those two considerably big movies flopped as well. Poor Eddie has now scored three back-to-back flops which isn´t a good thing in Hollywood.

The (Horrible) Adventures Of Pluto Nash is said to be a comedy, but I didn´t find myself laughing while watching the movie. On the contrary. Few amusing lines don´t make a comedy and even good actors can´t be funny if the script and the characters are simply not funny. Even John Cleese has a small part in this turkey... How on earth did they get him aboard? All the cast members can do a lot better, I presume they all just lost their judgment for a minute when signing to do Pluto Nash. That can be forgiven with time and a lot smaller salaries for their next projects would be a suitable punishment.

Pluto Nash takes place in the Moon and that would actually be the only correct place for a movie like this: far from the civilization and fans of good movies.

The Ring (2002)

Thank God someone still knows how to make good scary movies

[8/10 · 17 April 2003]

Gore Verbinski... Before The Ring I had seen only one movie from this director. I must admit that I really enjoyed Mouse Hunt and its pure old-fashioned slapstick style. But still, Mouse Hunt wasn´t the kind of a movie that would make its director a top director in the world of cinema.

I´ve never bothered to watch the Mexican because it simply doesn´t interest me. I don´t remember when I first heard about the Ring, but when I read all the positive reviews I knew this was a film I didn´t want to miss. And when the movie opened in Finland some weeks ago I went to see it with my friends. And I was so glad that I catched the movie during its cinema run.

The Ring is a movie that shouldn´t be watched in daylight. The best place to see it is a theatre with lots of people. If you watch it home, wait until its dark and then play the movie. And if you have a home theatre system the experience will be even better. This is a creepy movie that will scare you at least a couple of times.

I´ve never been a fan of "horror" films like Friday the 13th or Nightmare On Elm Street. I enjoy creepy ghost stories like What Lies Beneath, the Sixth Sense, Poltergeist etc. Horror is a very difficult genre because you can easily cross the line between being scary and being funny. Take Thir13een Ghost, for example. I couldn´t even watch the whole movie because of its stupidity. That film didn´t give me any creeps at all. But luckily every now and then a good creepy movie comes out of Hollywood and the Ring is such a movie. I was very impressed by the movie´s autumnal style, dark atmosphere and performances. You rarely see memorable performances in this kind of movies.

It´ll be interesting to see what Gore Verbinski´s next movie will be like. Hopefully it´ll be something as memorable as the Ring.

Orange County (2002)

Didn´t expect it to be this good

[7/10 · 17 April 2003]

If I remember correctly I rented this nice little movie just because I couldn´t find anything else, it had John Lithgow and the reviews on the DVD package suggested an enjoyable comedy. In the age of annoying teen flicks Orange County actually turned out to be really refreshing.

Orange Country stands out because of its funny script and strong cast. I can´t remember the names of the lead pair (Tom Hanks´ son and Sissy Spacek´s daughter, right?), but they were both good. But it´s the supporting players - John Lithgow, Catherine O´Hara, Jack Black, Lily Tomlin - who deserve praises. John Lithgow is always great, he´s one of the great comedians out there. If you don´t believe me just watch an episode of the 3rd Rock From The Sun. Catherine O´Hara (best remembered for her roles in those two Home Alone movies) is also a standout as a mother with a minor drinking problem. Jack Black as a junkie provides many laughs and Lily Tomlin plays a school counselor who doesn´t take her job that seriously. All this adds up to an enjoyable little movie experience. Definitely worth renting.

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Arachnophobia rocks, this one doesn´t.

[4/10 · 17 April 2003]

I saw Arachnophobia when I was a kid and I remember it giving me creeps. I´ve always been to all kinds of weird creatures (I study biology and I love snakes, lizards, spiders...) and that´s why I found this little movie exciting. Whether all that could possibly happen wasn´t important at all, I was a kid! I´d sure love to see the good old Arachnophobia again, just to see if it´s still enjoyable. In the meantime I decided to check a movie called Eight-Legged Freaks which couldn´t be titled Arac Attack because the word Arac reminds every American of Iraq... That´s just so stupid, but back to my review...

Eight-Legged Freaks was a very mediocre movie. It´s not a movie that´ll be remembered because it has nothing it could be remembered for. Sure, those spiders look nice (I guess they´re supposed to look a little fake), but they are neither scary nor funny and I suppose they were meant to be both. Those tiny killer spiders in that good old Arachnophobia were a lot scarier because they were more realistic.

Eight-Legged Freaks lacks a real momentum and it runs out of steam after one hour. The plot is as simple as it could possibly be and you couldn´t care less about the characters. Since this is a part-comedy the characters are meant to be funny, but compared to John Goodman´s exterminator in that older spider movie I´ve mentioned so many times they don´t come even close to being funny. There are some amusing moments, but after sometime all that trying becomes very tiresome. I won´t say anything about the cast because there really isn´t anything to say.

If you want to see this movie turn your brain off for 90 minutes and try to enjoy the ride. Perhaps this movie just wasn´t for me. It just made me miss Arachnophobia even more.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

A delightful romantic comedy definitely worth all the hype

[7/10 · 17 April 2003]

When I heard about the overwhelming success of Wedding in the States I didn´t really become interested in it at all. Though I like all kinds of comedies it didn´t really feel like a my kind of movie. But in January I saw the trailer a few times and it looked very promising. I decided to see the movie when it hit the theaters in Finland and I´m glad I did because this movie is very, very good.

I won´t go to details, but in short Wedding is one of the best romantic comedies that has come out of Holly... Ooops, I guess we shouldn´t say Hollywood because this was an independent production. I guess those big studio executives thought that the whole thing about the Greeks wouldn´t interest the citizens of the United States. I´d sure love to see their faces now that the movie´s become a worldwide box office hit. The movie is filled with wonderful performances and hilarious moments ("Put some Windex on it!"). You won´t see any really huge movie stars which just goes out to show that all you need is talent to make a really memorable movie.

I want to see this movie again when it comes out on DVD and I´d recommend it to anyone who likes quality comedies. You rarely see movies this good. So SEE IT!

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

One of the worst movies I have ever seen

[2/10 · 17 April 2003]

I don´t know why I rented this movie, I really don´t. I plead momentary insanity. I saw the first Scary Movie in a theatre and I thought it was quite bad. Some of the scenes and jokes were amusing, but overall the whole "movie" was just lame. It could be funny if you watch it in a "proper" state of mind. Anyway, now I decided to watch Scary Movie 2 and I really regret it. I just wasted two and a half euros and 79 minutes on one of the worst "comedies" I have ever seen.

The trailer of the movie looks promising enough, but the film itself is unbelievably horrible. It´s obvious that the movie was done very quickly because the studio wanted to capitalize on the first movie´s success. Unfortunately there´s nothing good to say about the result. Few chuckles here and there aren´t enough and this movie´s gets so low every other second that it´s just disgusting. The makers also seem to think that bad and dirty language guarantees laughs. It just isn´t so. The scariest thing about this whole disaster is that people actually put money into this! I don´t even feel sorry for the cast members, their careers deserve to die if they seriously thought that this movie was worth doing. And James Woods...

What the hell has happened to good comedies? All these rude teen comedies seem to rule the business and all the good ones are overlooked. I just can´t believe it that there are people out there who liked this movie. Most likely those folks have never seen any real comedies like Airplane! or the Naked Gun which I will watch very shortly in order to forget Scary Movie 2.

My advice is... AVOID SCARY MOVIE 2 AT ALL COSTS! It´s horrible, terrible, disgusting, unfunny, boring, shocking and easily one of the worst so-called comedies of all-time. I just hope the third part will be able to top the second part as it has one of the Zucker brothers at the helm and Pat Proft as one of the writers. Beating Part 2 won´t be hard, though. You simply cannot get any lower than this.

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Big Trouble (2002)

Should´ve been a lot better

[6/10 · 17 April 2003]

Big Trouble is an interesting movie because of three things: 1) Its release date was delayed because of an airplane and airport scene involving a nuclear bomb, 2) it´s directed by Barry Sonnenfeld and 3) it has a really impressing cast. I watched the movie on DVD a few weeks ago and I must say that I was quite disappointed.

Big Trouble has a cast that consists of numerous familiar faces. And since there are so many characters we don´t learn that much about them, they all just figuratively thrown at the viewer ("Hey, here are the characters... We know there are so many of them, but forget that, look what they do!"). Some of the people are amusing, but no one really stands out. Rene Russo´s sexy and pleasure to look at (like always), but what can you do when you have such a messy script? There weren´t any scenes in this film that really made me laugh, most of the jokes are just worth a smile.

Big Trouble proves that even a talented director with an ensemble cast like this can´t save a mediocre script. With less characters and a better script Big Trouble could´ve been a big success. Sonnenfeld has now scored two consecutive disappointments (MIIB and this) and I really hope this is all just temporary. The man can do a lot better, after all, he´s given us such fantastic movies as the Addams Family and its sequel, Men In Black and Get Shorty.

Collateral Damage (2002)

Oh Arnie, don´t you get good scripts anymore?

[5/10 · 17 April 2003]

Arnold Schwarzenegger´s career is not doing too well. Arnie hasn´t done a really good movie since 1996´s Eraser. Jingle All The Way was simply embarassing and painful to watch. Batman & Robin was too over-the-top and filled with annoying one-liners. The movie tried so hard to be the biggest Bat movie, but it ended up dying under its own weight and literally killing the whole Batman franchise. End Of Days was decent enough, but not very memorable. The Sixth Day tried to be a hi-tech action thriller about the dangers of genetics and the result was a harmless if stupid movie that didn´t make much sense (could someone please try to make a realistic movie dealing with genetics?). The 6th Day flopped and Arnie was in trouble. Collateral Damage was obviously planned as a career saver, but then came 9/11 and everything changed. The release date was delayed and when the film was finally released critics slammed it and moviegoers didn´t care that much about it.

You can enjoy Collateral Damage if you don´t expect too much from it. It´s - unfortunately - a typical Arnie movie with lots of action and... well, more action. Arnie does his best, but he isn´t exactly the greatest actor working. He´s at his best when playing guys like this, but it´s getting tiresome to see him play the same character every single time. I´m sure this movie would´ve been a direct-to-video release if it wasn´t for Arnie and director Andrew Davis. Too bad they didn´t manage to create an above-average movie.

It remains to be seen if Arnie´s career continues its downhill as T3: Rise Of The Machines comes out later this year. Arnie´s obviously getting too old for an action hero and he just can´t be anything else. Arnie in a comedy? True Lies (Arnie´s best movie, in my opinion) was a successful mix of high-tech action and comedy, but how about Junior or Jingle All The Way? They were both lame, to say the least.

Here´s a movie idea: Arnie as a retired cop (how original) who now lives in a peaceful retirement community. Suddenly old people start disappearing and Arnie is lured back to work to find the missing elderly. Arnie discovers a massive government conspiracy and the hunter becomes hunted as well. He has to team up with Gladys, the former Miss Florida 1945, to save the community from the megalomaniac politicians. The final phrase of the movie: "I´ll be back... when my bladder´s working properly."

She's All That (1999)

Girls leaving in a dream world are going to love this

[17 April 2003]

If movies are to be believed American high schools are like this: there are good-looking people and then there are freaks and geeks. The middle class is like oxygen: we know it´s there, but we can´t see it. Teen movies are always about the handsome and the beautiful, all the others are just in the background for "comic relief". If American high schools are really like in the movies I couldn´t enjoy studying in such a place. While I don´t certainly look like a "traditional" geek or freak I still enjoy studying and take it seriously. That´s why I would obviously be an outcast in the American school system.

I watched She´s All That on TV as I had nothing else to do. "Romantic teen comedy" doesn´t promise much, but I kept watching and got to the end. It wasn´t all that bad, but I just can´t understand why in every school comedy there has to be a queen bitch and a king hunk who are most likely a pair and who are adored and praised by everyone. These movies are just full of clichés! But I guess teenage girls like watching this kind of stuff and living in their dream worlds, it´s just that the real world might not be like that at all. I´d love to see a high school comedy which tells about normal people, not just about the ones that look good. No stereotypes, no bitches, simply real-life people!

I´d say She´s All That is a light, mediocre and clichéd rom-com for teenage girls. Some characters, especially some of the ladies, are really annoying and I could never ever spend time with that kind of bitches. And I just think it´s stupid that all the people who have glasses belong either to the "middle class" or "the freaks & the geeks". While the good-looking no-brainers might rule in the high school, it´s us, the ones with actual intelligence and talent, who rule in the real life, believe it or not.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

Been there, done that

[4/10 · 17 April 2003]

I was going to sum up my review with the all-so-obvious line "I still don´t know why they made this movie." But using that line would´ve been inappropriate since I know why they made it. It was all about money, money, money.

I Know What You Did Last Summer did well at the box office so it was obvious that it would get a sequel. The movie wasn´t that memorable, it was just disposable entertainment. But the studio had to have a sequel because it would bring more money to the company.

Perhaps this movie could´ve been something, but what really brings the whole thing down is the script. It´s so stupid, so predictable, so clichéd, so bad. It´s not a good thing when you know exactly what´s going to happen next. And the ending? Oh please, do we really want another sequel?

The cast is okay, considering the weakly-written characters you could less care about. Jennifer Love Hewitt is nice-looking and I´m sure she has (some) talent, but she needs a really good role to showcase all that. These kind of movies do nothing to your career, or at least nothing positive.

I´ve seen this movie twice and I don´t think I´ll ever want to see it again. If I want to see a really good slasher flick I´ll turn to the Scream trilogy, those flicks are actually good. But I do admit that watching movies like I Still... is fun if you consider them comedies instead of serious horror flicks. Honestly, who could take this kind of crap seriously?