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Reviews
Hulk (2003)
Not Incredible (get it? ha! I'm clever.)
Why? why why why why why why why? At least Marvel's older, crappier movies (The Fantastic Four, Captain America, Punisher) were so bad they were fun to watch. With the Hulk, we get what we've come to expect from the horde of new digital headaches that include most of Marvel's new films (save X-Men 2) A.) Yet another Marvel opening credits sequence where the "camera" rushes through some sort of bloodstream, DNA thingy, Spider-Web, etc. (you know what I'm talking about) B.) A long, drawn out "origin" scene that weighs down the movie (every person on earth knows how Spider-Man, Hulk, X-Men, Daredevil, et. al were created!!!! You didn't see this kind of heavy handed exposition in Batman, the standard by which all comic movies should be judged). C.) Stan Lee Cameo. This time accompanied by Lou Ferrigno--which, by the way, some jackass guy involved with the new Hulk movie on some MTV special had the audacity to proclaim that "with current special effects technology" there's "no more use" for someone like Ferrigno. Well, guess again. The look of the Hulk in this movie is about as convincing as Rolling Stone magazine calling Christina Aguilera "sexy." That is to say, not very convincing. And speaking of Christina Aguilera, she is actually uglier than the new hulk, which is all cute and babyfaced looking. They call him a mindless monster in the movie, but then he's all about saving the iddle bitty soldiers inside the tanks he smashes up and looking sad about doing it. I'll wind this up. The film is way too long (OVER 2 hours), I don't know why they got Ang "everything is weightless and unconvincing" Lee to direct it, there is a Punisher teaser preview before the movie ("They killed my family, and I'm going to Punish them!" Wow! Here we go again, true believers!) and ultimately no "Hulk Smash!" line which I anticipated for two hours with baited breath (or popcorny breath) to no avail. There are a few good scenes in Hulk, but not enough to merit seven bucks. Unless you're a lady, that is, in which you get to see Bana's bare ass. I was excited when Marvel started getting some movie success, but now they are just churning out run-of-the-mill, shiny blockbuster crap (Daredevil, the upcoming Punisher, you name it) like Hulk. At least the X-Men series is fantastic. I'm going to go now and enjoy my pot pie because I'm hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry. Hoo-boy! This movie still has a hold on me I guess!
My Little Eye (2002)
My little crap
I've seen Golden Girls episodes scarier than this movie. Melodramatic, MTV, stylish, ham-fisted bunkum. Stick to Japanese new wave horror if you really want to be scared. This is pathetic. Not once did I feel the urge to urinate in my pants. This movie, in scares, ranks right up there with "Nail Gun Massacre," "The Video Dead," and "Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot!" I will never understand the British or their horror films (Hammer? Please.) Stick to killer rabbits and Weakest Link hosts. Booo!
Joe Dirt (2001)
Worst Movie I've ever seen
ATTENTION! I want everyone reading this to know that it's over. You've killed it. It's not funny anymore. I am of course talking about `mullet humor', and it must be stopped. A while back, mullets were kind of an in-joke, a kitschy piece of odd humor that only some people understood. Today, It's gotten so out of control that people think any odd haircut classifies as some type of `mullet cut', and that the word itself is inherently funny. The relentless overkill of this novelty has sucked the very last fleck of humor and camp-fun out the `mullet humor' genre. Gee, this reminds me of another genre that is bereft of life: one-dimensional character driven comedies starring `Saturday Night Live' has-been's and never-will-be's that plague the theaters.
The new disaster `Joe Dirt', pathetically combines these two dying trends. When will they stop? I mean, on the poster for `Joe Dirt', it says, `FROM THE PRODUCERS OF 'DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO', like it's some kind of selling point. In the back of my mind, I hoped people would learn from such flops as `Little Nicky' and `The Ladies Man'. But somehow David Spade and executive producer Adam Sandler manage to squeeze out this piece of crud. It's the kind of movie you scrape off the bottom of your shoe, only to have the cat eat it and regurgitate it back up later on the living room floor. But I'm being to nice. With no plot to speak of, let's just say that the whole movie is based around the fact that they'll hope you'll think Spade's mullet is funny for an hour and a half. (movie spoiler: It's not!) Just when I thought I couldn't hate this movie anymore, Kid Rock shows up. And only God know why. Playing an illiterate redneck must have been a stretch for Mr. Rock. Adding insult to injury is the fact that Chris Farley's brother makes an eerie appearance alongside Spade, which to me was more tasteless than the repeated fart jokes. But the most disturbing fact of all, is that people around me in the theater laughed at this movie.
Note to David Spade: I liked this movie the first time.....whhhenn it was called....wait a minute. I never liked this movie the first time.
Scream Bloody Murder (1973)
The Claw doesn't even enter into it!!!! (but fun anyway)
Ahh, Scream Bloody Murder, A.K.A "The Claw of Terror", A.K.A "The Horror movie where the killer has a claw prop but strangles people with his one free hand instead". This movie is weird. As a boy, young Matthew runs his dad over with a bulldozer for NO REASON, loses control, jumps off, and breaking all laws of physics, runs his own hand over leaving him with a claw for life. Years later, older Matthew has a bit of an oedipus complex and kills guys that touch women because its "a bad thing". He kills his Dwight Yoakum-esque stepfather and mother and runs away. After some random killings not-involving-a-hook he takes it upon himself to "care" for a prostitute and stabs a sailor to death with a Palet knife. He ties up the hooker and insists on calling her Daisy after his mother. Oh yeah and everyone he kills "haunts" him as a rear-projected demon. You could care less for any of the characters especially the hooker with a heart of gold. The only great thing about this movie is Fred Holbert as Matthew (His first and only movie sadly), who is a very creepy little man with insecurities about women, and great lines like, (to the tied up hooker) "See what I do for you? I buy you groceries, and clothes, and art stuff, and kill people...and do you appreciate it? No." But I do appreciate it Matthew. Rent this movie for good laughs and B-rated fun. And if anyone knows what became of Fred Holbert, e-mail me please.