panthonyd Reviews

Undisputed (2002)

Unintended

[8 December 2002]

So I was perusing the local video store the other day and came across this movie. The cover shows the two main actors, an explosion and a helicopter coming out of the flames. Looks like it could be a good Friday night action movie ... especially with the talents of the two main characters. I figured that the boxing story would be parallel to some cooler story like a prison break, or mob hits, or whatever.

Boy was I wrong.

First of all, the helicopter on the cover makes its one and only scene dropping "Ice Man" off at the prison. As for the explosion and flames ... they don't exist, unless you count the sparks from the welders locking Snipes in confinement (don't they have locks?). There is no plot, no twists, no excitement and very little action. A total lack of character development makes you hope that they both knock each other out because you really could care less who wins.

How two great actors got drawn to this lemon totally baffles me. Maybe Snipes always dreamed of playing a character who can build a large chinese-looking building out of his used toothpicks ... while in solitary confinement no less! No wonder I never saw this in theaters.

Pumpkin (2002)

Too Something

[8 November 2002]

It's too funny to be a drama. Too serious to be a comedy. Ricci is too hot to not even show any cleavage. And Sam Ball's face is too big to be sexy. He looks like the offspring of Cary Elwes and Bruce Campbell's chin. Not that that's such a bad thing ... at least he inherited some acting ability. Overall, the movie was entertaining. Rooting for the underdog is always fun. But, it was too corny to be taken seriously.

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Whatever

[1/10 · 10 April 2002]

I think people rave about this movie because it is cool to like Lynch's films. They think that since it is so messed up, it must be genious and if they don't like it, they must be stupid. What was the point of this movie? I can't say any of his previous movies have bugged me as much as this one. Then again, maybe he IS a genious and I AM just an idiot. As for me, I'll stick to more coherent plot twists like a Coen Brothers movie or even Richard Kelley. * out of ***** only because I am a guy and this movie had lesbian scenes in it (although the DVD had Camilla's lower region blurred out. What was up with that?)

Heist (2001)

Marriage of convenience

[1/10 · 17 March 2002]

After watching three David Mamet movies that were ruined by the performances of Rebecca Pidgeon (The Spanish Prisoner, State and Main, Heist), I had to wonder why anyone would cast her at all. But, the answer became clear when I saw that she is actually married to David Mamet. I guess some people will do anything to get a job in Hollywood. All three films had a lot of potential, and a lot of great actors (especially Phillip Seymour Hoffman), but hearing her talk and seeing her act is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Let's hope that David Mamet gets seduced by a more talented actress soon.

Cats & Dogs (2001)

I can usually tolerate kids' movies, but ...

[2/10 · 5 July 2001]

I can usually tolerate kids' movies, but this was the exception. The dialogue was terrible, the plot was unoriginal and the acting was gross. I think it was supposed to be a comedy, but that could probably be debated. The fx were ok, but everything has special effects these days ... so it was nothing too spectacular. Take your kids to see Atlantis instead.

The Doorway (2000)

For the love of B movies!

[7/10 · 11 December 2000]

When a true Hollywood film nut asks "Why do they make B-class Horror movies?" the answer is: because people want to see them, of course.

But, why do people want to see them? The answer is quite simple:

1) Bad Acting: There is nothing better than drinking beer and watching untalented people pretend to act. This movie had some great bad actors. But, it also had some semi-decent actors. Don Maloney's character became really funny as the movie wore on (and bears an uncanny resemblance to Paul Giamatti, which may be why I thought him so hilarious).

2) Cheesy Special Effects: Fingernails growing out of fake hands. Makeup from the local Halloween store. Blood that shoots in direct squirt-gun streams. Blue screens of death. What more can you ask for? This film had it all!

3) The Plot: There's always two girls and two guys, the haunted house, and the resident paranormal expert. There are the excuses they make to keep themselves in the house (I mean, after having a severed hand feel you up in the shower, would you seriously stick around?). Again, this movie had it all.

4) Naked girls: This is probably the most important reason anyone would watch a B-movie. It's a guaranteed boob fest! I was only disappointed in that we never got to see Tammy in the buff. Oh well, there were plenty of others.

All in all, The Doorway was a great B-movie that had all the elements that us B-movie fans love.

The Perfect Storm (2000)

Taking theatrical and creative license a bit too far

[20 November 2000]

The sad thing about this movie was that it is based on a true story where no one survives. This means that everything that happened between their take-off until their demise was fiction. The bitter feuds, John C. Reilly's resurrection from his "death-by-fish-hook" drowning, etc. Yes, it was honorable to make a movie about the brave men who died at sea. But, to use creative license to conjure up a complete new story is taking it a bit too far. I mean, if they were going to make stuff up, why not have Mark Wahlberg live and make the movie happier while they were at it?

With that stated, I still must say that I was not fully disappointed. The acting was superb. After seeing "Three Kings," I was delighted to see George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg join up with one of the greatest character actors in current film, John C. Reilly. I was also happy to see Cherry Jones in another movie since her outstanding performance in "Cradle Will Rock."

I think that's all I have to say.

Godzilla 2000 (1999)

I just don't get it.

[1/10 · 27 August 2000]

I saw this movie the other day. My eyes are still recovering from this painful experience. I truly hated it. I read through all the comments and realized that this will be about the first negative comment submitted about Godzilla 2000. Why is that so? People love this movie. I don't understand...

I like cheesy b-class horror movies. Any movie with a Troma stamp on it is great. But, this was beyond bad. There was no plot, no effects, nothing to keep even my son's interest, and no refund at the end.

I immediately ran to the local video store and gobbled up a copy of the Hollywood version. Ahhhhh ... relief. And that one isn't even that great either.

The only part I liked was the last line where our stunning pit-faced hero looked into his heart and proclaimed that Godzilla is in us all. At that point, the big green rubber guy continued to wreak havoc on the Japanese city, theoretically incinerating thousands of people within whose hearts he lives. Touching indeed.

Komodo (1999)

How not to make a modern-day killer animal movie

[1/10 · 27 August 2000]

There are two distinct categories of modern killer-animal movies: those with a budget and those without a budget. Komodo obviously fell into the former, but failed to live up to its group's standards.

In order to make a successful monster-dragon (or other man-eating creature) movie, two or more of the following elements need to be in place:

1) It is assumed that high-budget movies will all have decent special effects. Komodo did indeed have some cool CG and animatronic dragons.

2) Throw in a rough, un-likeable protagonist so that you occasionally root for the monster. Anaconda did this quite well with John Voight's character. But there also need to be some characters who you don't want to be eaten. I guess that's where Komodo lacked.

3) Add a comic relief ... please. LL Cool J was great in Deep Blue Sea and the entire cast of Lake Placid fit this description perfectly.

4) Add character development. Hats off to Jurassic Park.

5) Please, oh please, come up with an original story. Do not, under any circumstance, have a 16 year old boy tear out a dragon's heart and paint his chest with blood. Ok? There is a line you must not cross here. We already saw and/or read Lord of the Flies.

6) Cast a high-salary movie star and kill him/her off in the first half of the movie. Rest in peace Sam Jackson.

Since Komodo barely met one of these standards (#1), it will forever be placed into that void where lie big budget failures like Supernova and End of Days.

Cradle Will Rock (1999)

Quite possibly the greatest American film ever made.

[10/10 · 26 July 2000]

Never before have I seen a movie which left me with such a feeling of enlightenment and pure elation. How the Oscars eluded this movie completely remains a mystery to me.

Empowered by superb acting and encompassed by intelligent directing, Cradle Will Rock turns a series of early industrial American events into a brilliant extravaganza set to indulge all of the senses.

Hank Azaria was quickly boosted to the top of my favorite actors list. And John Cusak managed to make it off my least favorite actors list. Bill Murray became the essence of vaudeville, and Cherry Jones was absolutely riveting.

Great music, great acting and beautiful storytelling: what more could you ask for?