Chris100575 Reviews

House of the Dead (2003)

Terrible!

[2/10 · 30 September 2004]

This is definitely one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's not even a case of being so bad it's good, it's simply so bad it's really bad. The acting is terrible, there is no plot, no suspense, and it's not even remotely scary. Not a good thing for a horror movie.

Two girls get their tops off in the first few minutes for no real reason, not that I'm complaining. After that though, there are no more boobies to be seen, and therefore even that reason for sitting through the rest of this celluloid cowpat goes out the window. On reflection not a bad suggestion for what to do with the DVD.

It could be worse though, I borrowed the DVD from a friend. I only had to sit through it, but he paid money for it!

Black Books (2000–2004)

I laughed so hard I missed bits!

[10 March 2004]

I was introduced to Black Books by my father-in-law who knew I liked Bill Bailey. I watched the whole first series in one sitting and ordered the DVD this morning!

This is one of the funniest shows I've seen in a long time, and, in my opinion, ranks alongside Spaced. The humour is brilliantly surreal, the first episode featuring Bernard picking a fight with a group of skinheads to avoid filling out his tax returns "Which one of you bitches wants to dance?", and Manny accidentally swallowing and absorbing "The Little Book of Calm". This leaves him wandering the streets in a peaced-out fugue, wearing a hospital gown and sandals.

It's only a shame I missed the first two series when they were broadcast, as the third series is about to start and I've not seen the second.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

I came, i saw, I lost the plot.

[3 March 2004]

I wanted to like this movie. No, really I did. I like Rob Zombie's music, I like horror and cheesy splatter movies.

The opening scenes with the robbery and Dr Spaulding's museum were good, but sadly it all started to go downhill from there. At one end of the spectrum there are great movies. It may be because they're critically acclaimed, or it may just be because you had a blast watching them. At the other end are the terrible movies, sometimes you enjoy these too, although not necessarily for the right reasons, and sometimes you hate them. Exactly in the middle is the dead zone. Movies that are so mediocre that you don't enjoy it, you don't hate it, you just coast through it waiting for it to finish. And when it does you're not left feeling anything at all really.

This is a dead zone movie, it had a few genuinely disturbing scenes but the rest was so sloppy my overall impression was one of boredom more than anything else. I don't regret watching it, but I wouldn't bother to do so again.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Not good.

[30 January 2004]

I liked the first Charlie's Angels film. OK so it was never going to make cinematic history, but it was fun in a kitsch kind of a way.

Not so the second. The storyline is disjointed, and the action sequences are so far overdone it's laughable. Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but when the Angels are flying around like Matrix Agents even dodging bullets, it just gets silly. There are numerous references to other films, but I get the impression that they're included as padding rather than genuine homages.

Demi Moore looks great, but is wasted in this compost heap of a film. If ever there was an argument for not buying a DVD before you've watched it, this is it.

Red Dragon (2002)

Very good.

[25 June 2003]

I must admit that I was initially sceptical when I heard that this film was being made, believing it to be a shameless excuse to cash in on having Sir Anthony Hopkins play Hannibal Lecter for a third outing.

Watching the film has changed my mind. Comparisons between this and Manhunter are inevitable, and personally I prefer Red Dragon. This is due in no small part to the fact that, of the two films, this one stays closer to the book. There are a couple of tiny niggles, Ralph Fiennes isn't really physically right for Dolarhyde, his build being athletic rather than unusually muscular, but then neither was Tom Noonan. I would also have liked the film to go into more depth about Dolarhyde's background, and his childhood disfigurement, but there is a limit to the amount of stuff you can fit into a two hour movie. If you really want to know about the birth of the Dragon, read the book.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the film, and was pleased to see Dolarhyde portrayed as a more sympathetic character. Again, more true to the novel.

Thumbs up from me!

Judge Dredd (1995)

Oh dear.

[25 June 2003]

This started out as quite a long review, until I realised that if I listed all the things the film got wrong it'd be far too long to post. Let's just say that the resemblance between this film and the comic upon which it's based is superficial to say the least. If you're a fan of Dredd as he appears in 2000AD, avoid this like the plague because he's not in it.

On the upside, Mega City One, the Cursed Earth, the Angels, and the ABC warrior look cool. On the downside is pretty much everything else. I live in hope that one day a Judge Dredd movie will be made that does justice to its roots.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers Creepers why'd I watch this?

[17 March 2003]

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** Jeepers Creepers isn't the worst film I've ever seen, but it's certainly in the running. It's actually not all that bad for about the first half, and then things go seriously pear-shaped.

If you haven't seen it yet, try and catch it on TV or borrow it from someone. Granted, people have different tastes and this may be to yours, but I wouldn't recommend you spend any money on it.

****SPOILER WARNING!****

The bit when the previously just about plausible creeper gets run over is where it all starts to go wrong. Film makers take note: Please stop the whole "Phew! We killed it. Oh no! It got up!" thing. It's got to the point now where we'd be shocked if it stayed down.

To add injury to insulted intelligence, it then turns into a big bat. I'm not sure whether the movie goes downhill from here, or at this point instantly hits rock-bottom and just stays there. It doesn't even score points on the "so cheesy it's good-o-meter", it's just plain poor.