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dannybonler
Reviews
Exploitica Rides Again (1999)
"Three Days Later, Little Red Riding Hood Was Shot".
'Exploitica' is the show where the most obscure films you could imagine are both celebrated and scorned, via witty thought bubbles, painfully accurate captions, hilarious sound effects and some very cunning edits..
Watch as 'The Exploitica Team' turn previously unwatchable films such as Microwave Massacre, Terror in The Haunted House, Wild Guitar and What's Up Front? into side-splittingly hilarious works of comedy genius.
Unfortunately, many will never get a chance to view this little gem, as those fools at Channel 4 are considering axing the show, probably to make way for more repeats of Banzai or something... I don't know.
In the meantime, check out the Exploitica fan-site, Scrabbulars.co.uk , for more about the wonderful Exploitica.
"Count the bodies!"
Primal Force (1999)
Mutant Killer Baboons! Sadly not a good movie...
Yes... it's another one of those "I can't believe somebody actually thought this would be a good film" movies. Admittedly, the premise is deliciously ludicrous (clean cut Americans menaced on godforsaken island by mutant killer baboons!) but once the film starts you realise that 'Primal Force' is BEYOND bad. The characters are ridiculous simpering idiots... their actions are completely schitzophrenic. One minute they are running frantically from a location in fear for their lives, another they are sitting calmly back in the same spot they were running from beforehand. Who wrote the script to this thing? One of the characters knows about the killer baboons, but rather than warning anybody else ("Um, did I mention this island is populated by mutant killer baboons?") he decides to keep quiet and occasionally deliver gruff hints at the carnage to follow ("They've shent you on a shooicide mission"). And the baboons themselves? Well, you'de think they would make them look mutant... indeed, some good costume design and effects work could possibly have saved the movie... but instead they simply make the baboons look like, well, your every day baboon. All in all, Primal Force is clearly an attempt at Jurrassic Park, only with men in monkey suits. It's irredeemably inept scripting and it's dull and predictable plot developments make it one of the worst of the generally dire 'evil creatures' films. Please don't waste your life watching this. Unless your an acute masochist with a penchant for bog standard nature gone wrong flicks. In which case it might be exactly your kind of thing. Worse than Deep Rising. And that's saying something.
The Smut Peddler (1965)
Old and Crummy
One of those old films which has lots of sex, but always reminds you how disgusting and perverted and bad it is. A very, very grimy and slimy and greasy old film, impossible to find anywhere anymore, thankfully... It has several sleazy tales, all narrated by a slightly frightening, heavily-made up man who calls himself 'The Smut Peddler'. The premise of the film is by going to the cinema you are entering the Smut Peddler's lair, where he will show you some films from his private collection. The cast all evidently need a nice bath. Fun viewing, provided you like films that are so bad that they are good.
Motel Confidential (1969)
For fans of ancient sleaze...
Part of the Sleazemania series, Motel Confidential offers a peek at the events that transpire in a slummy city motel run by a comedy Italian and his son. If you've ever seen Surburban Confidential, then you'll know what to expect... same old black-and-white soft-core antics but with worse double-entendres. I suggest this only to those interested in ancient sleaze... if you like such programmes as Exploitica, then this is a film that you will enjoy...
Deep Rising (1998)
"Can you buy me a cold beer?"
Let's get one thing straight... the effects in Deep Rising are wonderful. The worm monsters are fantastic. the gore is excellent. The creatures in the film are genuinely menacing, and really well realised. So, what lets this film down? Well, quite simply, it's the script. I have a sneaking suspicion it was written by a five year old who had just seen Alien... it's a menagerie of annoying characters, stolen ideas, and an abundance of pathetic overworked cliches. You've seen all the characters before in a hundred different movies of this type... there's the standard "Macho Hero", the token "Strong Independant Woman", the annoying "Comedy Nerd Character", "Glamorous Thief","Evil Rich Guy",the nasty "Evil Terrorist Guy", the lecherous "Ladies Man", and finally there are our old friends "Australian Guy" and "British Guy", who do nothing except shout things in their distinctive accents.
The hero, Finnegan, is surely the most irritating and laughable macho character ever ---Sample dialog: ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: "if you get me off this ship I'll give you anything you want!" FINNEGAN: "can you buy me a cold beer?"--- Deep Rising is, if anything, a crash course in how NOT to do a sci-fi horror movie. After watching it, marvel at the idea that the producers actually thought that it would be successful.