hannibalw Reviews

Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009)

Miley can't sing , Miley can't dance

[1/10 · 16 May 2009]

After watching this sickly sweet dreck I went into a diabetic coma and I haven't recovered yet . I am writing this on the inside of my eyelids with my eyes firmly closed . My family is filing a hundred million dollar lawsuit,against Disney, for intentional injury . Wow ! what a load of garbage . We all knew that Billy Ray ,Miley's daddy, was a zero talent with his "Achey Breaky Heart " and all . What a hick !! So much of this alleged movie has been cribbed from better efforts I don't don't where to start , so I won't . Youngsters deserve better than this . Disney's golden age is long,long past . Pixar is the only unit of the mouse house that actually cares about the product they convey .

Sex and the City (2008)

Sucks in the City

[1/10 · 1 June 2008]

Yea, this movie is a real block buster.It lost sixty-three per cent of its core audience the first week .Even the ladies are hating this horrid film.

By my estimation it will have to take in another thirty million to reach positive cash flow . Four self-absorbed broads shop 'til they drop discuss sex in a frank and revealing manner and clutter up the screen with garbage for over two hours. These chicks haven't progressed at all . Should be sub-titled 'Arrested Development ' Chris Noth whose, extremely, limited acting (?) chops are on display to great disadvantage,is simply a boring mannequin / archetype . A narrator constantly tells the audience what we have just witnessed complete with a moral stance attached . The duologue is no longer daring nor that interesting for that matter . Now they were talking about sex in front of a child, referring to the act as "colouring". How often did Miranda do colouring? Not nearly enough. Samantha, the goddess single of older women, of course liked to use all the crayons, while Carrie Bradshaw, our narrator and lead, said that when Big coloured "he doesn't always stay inside the lines." Wow ! How daring . How interesting . Guy s kip this drek like the plague .If your girl insists on going . Send her alone . You have been warned .This movie sucks .

Step Up 2: The Streets (2008)

' Step Up 2 the Streets' incredibly dumb and amateurish

[1/10 · 17 February 2008]

Okay, are we to believe that the lead actress (Andi) was given a full scholarship to the MSA based on her hip-hop audition ? This film (?) was designed for one thing to empty out piggy banks across the nation from naive youngsters that believe they are looking at mirror images of their own pitiable lives . For the most part all the dance scenes,with the help of no less than three choreographers , are well worn and have been used in much superior fare like " Stomp the Yard" ," Fame " and "Save the Last Dance " Jon Chu is a hack of a director with no discernible talent . Chase,Robert Hoffman,looks middle aged and totally out of place in this pic . The fact this concoction was cooked up by a couple of forty year old should give anyone pause . The acting (?) is horrendous the dancing less so . It will never replace "Dancing in the Rain " This genre has quickly worn out its welcome .

Stardust (2007)

'Stardust ' funny and beautiful to look at

[8/10 · 17 February 2008]

Too bad the distributors basically tossed this fine film on the scrap heap. It has excellent production values with great photography, a story that will appeal to youngsters of all ages, and a screamingly funny turn by Robert DiNero as captain Shakespeare .You've never seen DeNiro like this . Michelle Pfiffer as a witch is outstanding in her vileness . Peter O'Toole is also in fine form as the King who must choose an heir to his throne . He expects his sons to use murder as a tool for claiming the crown and reminds them that he himself had to dispatch twelve brothers to claim the crown . His four previously murdered sons hang about the palace as ghosts who provide a ton of comic relief . This movie is well worth the price of an evenings rental fee .

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

Shoot 'em Up a real hoot

[9/10 · 22 January 2008]

Never mind that two well known movie pundits had this film on their worst films of '07, list . The humour obviously eluded them . The plot is humorous , it moves like lightening and is a great showcase for Clive Owen's, Monica Belluci's and Paul Giamatti's talents . Making Giamatti the heavy is just one joke in a long line of scenes and incidence that are funny . There is an extraordinary sex scene between Belluci and Owen that has to be seen to be believed . They are copulating on the bed when ten or twelve bad guys burst through the door and window . Owen rolls over and grabs his pistol from the edge of the bed still fully immersed in Belluci . In the standing position he kills all the bad guys without missing a beat banging Belluci against the wall as she orgasms throughout the shoot out. Owen then says " talk about blowing your load " too funny . There are vegetables used as weapons and a nifty Ribe Goldberg device that Owen builds in the bad guys lair . This film is definitely worth the price of a rental . I plan on buying a copy . YeeVee pundits be damned .

Awake (2007)

Alba and Christensen simply cannot act

[1/10 · 3 December 2007]

Once again Alba proves she is all looks and no substance .An empty vessel. Her facial expressions run,the gamut , from a to b . Christensen is also an empty package,blank slate . The studios chose not to screen this flick for reviewers with good reason it SUCKS . A stupid nightmare story about people under anesthetic who somehow remain aware ( conscious ) of the operation . It does happen several times a year in all major hospitals . However the dramatic effects portrayed here are purely fictional . Somewhere is all this rigmarole is a story worth telling . In more capable hands this could have been ,quite,compelling as it is it is just another wannabe horror flick with nothing to recommend .

Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007)

Bean there done that

[1/10 · 29 August 2007]

If Rowan Atkinson never makes another,dreadful, movie it will be too soon. Bean is about as funny as a screen door on a submarine . The inarticulate Bean bumbles on from one prat- fall to the next . Why studios Green Light this fools projects is beyond comprehension . This movie (?) is a world wide hit . Which tells me that civilization is doomed . Only Americans and Canadians were smart enough to give this flick a well deserved pass . After the disaster of 'Johnny English ' Atkinson went into a black depression at the rejection exhibited by North American audiences . He became suicidal .Aw ! Poor Rowan . Spoofing Bond belongs to Mike Myers not you Atkinson . This is a stupid movie full of stupid scenes . Bean makes dreadful noises that are supposed to be the height of hilarity but only confuse the audience . The screening I attended saw half the audience walk out before the first half had ended . Give it up Atkinson you are NOT funny .

The Astronaut Farmer (2006)

Simply beautiful'Astronaut Farmer' deserves a large audience

[10/10 · 20 August 2007]

I have just become a huge fan of the Polish brothers after watching their film 'The Astronaut Farmer ' a charming,heartfelt concoction that at its heart is a good old fashioned family film . Shot independently for 12,million dollars it is all up on the screen . Superbly cast and photographed . Feature actors include the always welcome Tim Blake Nelson,Bruce Dern,in a all too rare turn, Virginia Madsen as Farmer's wife the fabulous Billy Bob Thornton as Farmer and Bruce Willis as an old compatriot of Farmers who tries to dissuade Farmer from his dream of flying into outer space . Beautiful and charming this film has a heart of gold that all families will enjoy . Rent it tonight you will not be disappointed . "If you don't have your dreams you have nothing "

Step Up (2006)

Flashdance,Dirty Dancing ,SN Fever did it so much better

[1/10 · 13 August 2006]

Take a rancid script a couple of no-name actors add a choreographer masquerading as a film director throw in every cliché in the book and you have ' Step Up ' . Anne Fletcher might be a hot choreographer with stage productions but not so good with film . Many of the dance scenes are shot from the waist up . What is the point ? The acting is universally wooden with no chemistry between the leads . All of the plot points are telegraphed and hammered home in a ,very, unsubtle manner . Some of the dancing is interesting but they would get kicked off of 'So you think you can dance' Hip-Hop has become its own cliché . A bad one at that . We surrender Hollywood.Enough of these 'teen' dance flicks .

Little Man (III) (2006)

Wayans Bros. Lose their way

[1/10 · 14 July 2006]

There are some extremely talented black directors Spike Lee,Carl Franklin,Billy Dukes,Denzel and a host of others who bring well deserved credit to the film industry . Then there are the Wayans Brothers who at one time(15,years ago) had an extremely funny television show'In Living Colour' that launched the career of Jim Carrey amongst others . Now we have stupidity substituting for humour and gross out gags(toilet humour) as the standard operating procedure . People are not as stupid as those portrayed in 'Little Man' they couldn't possibly be . A baby with a full set of teeth and a tattoo is accepted as being only months old ? Baby comes with a five o'clock shadow that he shaves off . It is intimated that the baby has sex with his foster mother behind her husbands,Darryl's, back .Oh, yea that is just hilarious . As a master criminal 'Little Man' is the stupidest on planet earth . He stashes a stolen rock that is just huge in a woman's purse and then has to pursue her . Co-star Chazz Palminteri,why Chazz, offers the best line: "I'm surrounded by morons." Based, without credit, on a Chuck Jones cartoon, Baby Buggy Bunny . This is far too stupid to be even remotely funny . A clue as to how bad this film is Damon Wayans appeared on Jay Leno the other night,prior to the BAT awards and he did not,even mention this dreadful movie . When will Hollywood stop green lighting trash from the Wayans Brothers . When they get over their white mans guilt in all likelihood .

Batman Begins (2005)

The Dark Knight revealed

[10/10 · 30 March 2006]

Oh,my God ! Hollywood reached near perfection with this dark tale of the Dark Knight . Revealing the psychology behind the man in the mask and his Ninja training in China by Liam Neesons character . This film is perfectly cast from the brooding good looks of Christian Bale,who now owns the character'Batman' to Morgan Freemans Mr.Lucius Fox as Batman's own personal Q . Gary Oldman turns in one of his finer performances as detective James Gordon and the film goes into their relationship as well . The scene where a young Bruce Waynes parents are murdered are gut wrenching and heart breaking . This is the Batman Bob Cane wrote of all those many years ago . Chrostopher Nolan is absolutely right on in all the scenes in 'Batman Begins' none ring hollow or false . This is extraordinary film making made by a director who obviously cares about the source material. Rent or buy it you will not be disappointed .

Undiscovered (2005)

Hiss! Boo!

[1/10 · 2 September 2005]

The fact that Ashlee Simpson was booed off the stage at last years Orange Bowl should have provided plenty of evidence as to her lack of singing talent and abilities . Now we have Undiscovered as proof that she cannot act either . As Clea she is without a doubt clueless on what an actual actor does. Inhabit the role and make it your own not simply mug for the camera. This is another effort from a music vid director Meiert Avis. Where do these people get their names ? Of course the script is hideous and story threads disappear at an alarming rate . Dropping a glove in a train station one of the protagonists drops the other one in a moment of foreshadowing that 'real' ;ove will develop with the mystery man . What a joke ! It won't be long before the Simpson girls are back living in their daddies double wide trailer out in hicks ville .

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

5 D list actors don't add up to one A Lister

[1/10 · 5 August 2005]

Hollywood has lost it collective mind .With zero talent in the executive ranks at almost all the major studios they keep green lighting trash like the 'Dukes of Hazzard' At one point in time the 'Dukes'was a brainless but fun Friday night diversion on TeeVee . Now it has been hopelessly trashed by Jay Chandreskhar and crew . Simpson wears short ,shorts and that is it for her acting ability . The less said about Knoxville the better and William Scott is,well, Stifler .Always will be . Uncle Jesse(Willie Nelson) is no fun at all and Boss Hogg(Burt Reynolds) has to finally admit that his career is over in Hollywood . The plot ,such as it is, concerns Hogg selling out the kingdom for a bucket full of silver to the local mining conglomerate. Not too worry Daisy Duke is there to outsmart them. Yea, right. Jessica Simpson, in real life, couldn't outsmart her dinner . Remember the Am I eating chicken or fish comment while she was eating tuna " Says here on the can ,chicken of the sea .So I was wondering if I was eating chicken or fish " The girl with the 160 IQ according to her mother .Right!! This film may actually give being dumb a good name.Heaven forfend . Simpsons acting career is over before it begins . Not too many roles for blond bimbos who look nice in shorts . Waste of time and money and actual proof Hollywood has lost the blueprint for movie making .

Fever Pitch (2005)

Sandler can act Fallon can't

[1/10 · 11 April 2005]

Okay I was prepared to like this movie as it is based on a Nick Hornby novel and movie'Fever Pitch' about a guy who is nuts for the Arsenal Football (soccer) team who has trouble committing to his girl . Alas poor Drew is given precious little to work with as that blank slate Fallon can't act a lick, nor does he have comic timing . It takes about 20,minutes for this film to strike out and strike out it does. Every time there is the slightest fever building in this movie Fallon manages to throw a wet blanket on it smothering it . This is Fallon's second failure after'Taxi' and I don't imagine too many more scripts will be offered to this pixie . Adam Sandler is paid big bucks for a reason-he is funny and charming . It is ,really,too bad he wasn;t given this role as he could have done a lot with it as he has a definite chemistry with Drew which was proved in'Fifty First Fates' and the 'Wedding Singer' Alas FAllon is no Sandler and never will be and has no chemistry with Drew whatsoever .

Hitch (I) (2005)

Another "Big Willy' weekend

[10/10 · 14 February 2005]

This is the difference between an actual movie star,Will Smith, and a movie personality Leonardo DeCaprio . Will Smith can actually open a movie $47.5 million on the first weekend while the 'Aviator' took several weeks to realize this amount . Will Smith is all charm and lightness in 'Hitch' as a dating consultant with a few problems of his own not the least of which is a terrifying food allergy that almost incapacitates him . Kevin James is the perfect candidate for dating advice from Hitch as he is a life long loser in the love department . Does Hitch make mistakes ? Of course he does and in that lies a load of fun . See Hitch it is the perfect antidote for all the so-called Academy awards nominated films . A total laugh riot . 5 of 5 stars for Hitch

The Aviator (2004)

Aviator Flys-Doesn't Soar

[1/10 · 27 December 2004]

Leanardo DeCaprio was entirely the wrong person to play Howard Hughes DeCaprio is a pipsqueak while HH was 6'3 . Also HH had dark eyes not brilliant blue . Gwen Stefani should stick to warbling trash and stay away from acting entirely, her brief turn as Jean Harlow is grating like fingernails on a chalkboard . There is precious little of where HH got his money.He inherited a million on his 21st birthday .Nor is there ample explanation of how or what caused HH to disassociate from the world .His mother bathing him well past the age that it is necessary and her going on about germs and such hardly seems to be enough . It was said during HH's father's day "Sure you can still drill for oil without a Hughes bit, as long as you don't mind using a pick and shovel ". HH's father was the real genius of the family having invented the rotary drill bit for oil exploration . By the way HH's Inheritance in todays dollars is the equivalent of ten million .Plenty for a young man to reinvent the world in his image . Much is made of HH's flying exploits but not much time is given to the 'Spruce Goose' that only managed to reach 70,feet of altitude and only flew for a mile ,hardly impressive stats .Yet Hughes was convinced this aircraft was the salvation the armed forces were looking for . Not much is said about HH's contacts with the CIA and his involvement in many shady deals perpetrated by that agency . Jude Laws cameo as Errol Flynn is alright I suppose as they are both effete in nature . As HH has very little connection to todays generation(movie buying public) this film will flounder and die in a relatively short time . Michael Mann was right to walk away from this project as there just isn't anything new or revealing to say about HH . The script is no revelation nor is the direction . 2 of 5 stars for the 'Aviator' And bye the way all these people debating'Aviator's' opening grosses are missing the fact that only half of the actual gross accrues to the studio the other 50/60% is eaten up by the theaters . So on that scale'Aviator' is without a doubt a bomb . It will be extremely lucky to gross thirty million domestically and will probably do the same over seas . The only thing that can save it is an unprecedented run on DVD .

Meet the Fockers (2004)

Waste of Talented Cast

[1/10 · 23 December 2004]

This movie is a monumental waste of talent . A terrible script that is all set up and no payoff like when DeNiro's monstrous motor home blocks traffic or when the maid's son looks identical to Greg there are no payoffs . As a collection of bathroom humour jokes go I guess it succeeds . Once again Hollywood tries cashing in on a marginal hit and fails miserably. Hopefully this dreadful film will tank at the BO so we are never again subjected to such a juvenile movie . DeNiro et al should have known better than to agree to a sequel to a movie that barely broke even at the BO . It is understandable that Stiller is in this film as he has zero acting range .His facial expressions run the gamut from 'A' to 'B' zero of 5 stars for 'Fockers'

The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

It doesn't translate

[1/10 · 23 December 2004]

Stage musicals very rarely,if ever,make good movies . Here is the proof'Phantom Of The Opera ' The only actor to come across is Minnnie Driver(the only one who doesn't sing her own tunes) as the Countess all the rest are bland and one dimensional . It doesn't help that the phantom's disfigurement is more like a runaway zit than an actual mask of horror .The climactic unmasking is a total anti-climactic moment . Joel Shumacher who started his career as a Hollywood dress designer hasn't a clue on how to stage a musical extravaganza that is 'Phantom- the stage version' A ton of dough was spent on sets and their design all for naught. Definutely skip this movie and see the original on stage . The music is there and well done and comes across nicely in Dolby 5.1 surround sound the one major plus for this excercise . zero of 5 for Pahntom

Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

Phoenix Crashes and Burns

[1/10 · 19 December 2004]

Another unnecessary remake of an OK film from the 60's starring Jimmy Stewart . When will Hollywood stop remaking marginal films ? Just because they own the rights to a particular property is not a green-light to go ahead and try and remake it . Alas Denny Quaid is no Jimmy and as the film is centered on his character there is very little movement or forward momentum . They crash! and Giovanni Ribisi is an engineer with the idea to re-build the airplane and fly it out after hanging in the shadows for a large part of the movie . There is a woman in the cast this time who is totally unnecessary to the plot the original was an all male cast . There is sand,lots of it,and a bunch of desert dwellers who appear to menace the crew . Save your ducats and see something else . 1 of 5 stars for Phoenix

Ocean's Twelve (2004)

Oh My Oceans 12

[1/10 · 15 December 2004]

Well now that the Oscar buzz(?) has died down for Alexander ; there was none it didn't garner one vote at the Golden Globes and it will go down in history as the next 'Waterworld' we have Oceans 12 to contend with . The original remake of a marginal 60's hit was a lot of fun and had some great moments . Oceans 12 is a sleepwalk for the entire cast . They forgot they were in a movie and needed to act . It is,really, very nice to hear that Catherine Zeta-Jones can drink the boys under the table but what does that say about her acting ability ? Not much . Matty Damon even begged the producers to minimize his role as much as possible ,that is how sure he was of the script going in . As there is an obvious dearth of executive talent in Hollywood .They just keep greenlighting old stale material and prequels and sequels and they haven't had an original idea since the last Pixar film . And alas George Cloony is no Frank Sinatra even if you squint,really, hard . It appears as if the script was written on the fly with the actors being handed new pages daily as the executives(?) got a look at the daily rushes ." Hey, have George say something really stupid in this scene " It all amounts to a great cast in a less than great movie .

3of 5 stars for Catherine Zeta Jones's Breasts

The Incredibles (2004)

Incredibles, Is Well,Incredible

[10/10 · 29 November 2004]

Thank God for Pixar Animation Studios a studio that is actually run by artists and not a bunch of corporate suits who were hired because they belong to a mega-corporation that owns the studio . As this is the last film Pixar owes Disney I would like to propose that Pixar move over to 'Dreamworks Studios' the only remaining studio not owned by a global conglomerate .I think the fit would be perfect . I am a huge Brad Bird fan from his work on the Simpson's to his spectacular ,but little seen, Iron Giant that was ,basically, thrown away by its studio Warner Bros . Any studio that goes six for six is simply unbeatable . The Incredibles is a wonderful,wonderful movie full of charm and wit . I like Craig T.Nelson and Sam Jackson as well as Holly Hunter and they all acquitted themselves well in this film . The story is both funny and heartwarming . I will not proceed to tell you about this movie just go and see it . This is what an independent studio can achieve . five of five stars for the 'Incredibles'

Alexander (2004)

Alexander Not So 'Great'

[1/10 · 25 November 2004]

If movies producers want to ensure that their movie bombs then all they have to do is cast Angelina Jolie(pillow lips). Here she plays Alex's mother to Collin Farrels Alexander and as they are both the approximate same age it begs the question how old was she when she produced IL' Alex . Val Kilmer,as the one eyed Phillip and Al's father, has a high old time getting drunk and smacking everyone in the head .Kinda like Jim Morrison . As this dreck cost the studios in excess of $200,000,000, to produce and conventional wisdom says a film has to gross two and a half times its negative budget to break even this film will certainly fail financially as well as artistically . Stalled the opening for Oscar consideration my ass . It was stalled because the studio knew they had a tactical nuclear weapon on their hands(bomb) . I have suspected for some time that Oliver Stone was a one trick pony,Platoon, and he told that story . Some of the battle scenes are alright but the dialouge stinks to high heaven" What have I done to make you hate me so ? " Spoken by Jolie as Al's mom with a totally incomprehensible accent that may be Polish or ? Alex's story was not ripe for the telling . Perhaps a director of greater vision could have pulled this off Robert Altman for instance but in Stone's hands it just sort of lays there and does nothing . zero of 5 stars for 'Alexander'

Alexander (2004)

Alexander Not So 'Great'

[1/10 · 25 November 2004]

If movies producers want to ensure that there movie bombs then all they have to do is cast Angelina Jolie(pillow lips). Here she plays Alex's mother to Collin Farrels Alexander and as they are both the approximate same age it begs the question how old was she when she produced IL' Alex . Val Kilmer,as the one eyed Phillip and Al's father, has a high old time getting drunk and smacking everyone in the head .Kinda like Jim Morrison . As this dreck cost the studios in excess of $200,000,000, to produce and conventional wisdom says a film has to gross two and a half times its negative budget to break even this film will certainly fail financially as well as artistically . Stalled the opening for Oscar consideration my ass . It was stalled because the studio knew they had a tactical nuclear weapon on their hands(bomb) . I have suspected for some time that Oliver Stone was a one trick pony,Platoon, and he told that story . Some of the battle scenes are alright but the dialouge stinks to high heaven" What have I done to make you hate me so ? " Spoken by Jolie as Al's mom with a totally incomprehensible accent that may be Polish or ? Alex's story was not ripe for the telling . Perhaps a director of greater vision could have pulled this off Robert Altman for instance but in Stone's hands it just sort of lays there and does nothing . zero of 5 stars for 'Alexander'

Hellboy (2004)

Great Film- Possible Tent Pole

[19 November 2004]

Hell Boy is a near classic of great proportion as played by the underrated Ron Perlman(Beauty and the Beast ) Perlman is an actor you probably wouldn't recognize as he has had to wear so much facial make up in his career but he imbues 'Hell Boy' with a real humanity and a scathing wit ."How am I ever gonna get a girl when I drive around in a garbage truck ? " John Hurt as his father has little to do but that he loves Hell Boy there is no doubt having rescued him on the night he came from hell . Dr. Broom adopts the boy and they live at the Center For Paranormal Studies in New Jersey with a fish like creature and a fire starter girl who Hell Boy loves to pieces . I hope that this becomes a tent pole series for the studio as I would like to see Hell Boy in other situations . Five of 5 stars for 'Hell Boy'

Hellboy (2004)

Great Film- Possible Tent Pole

[19 November 2004]

Hell Boy is a near classic of great proportion as played by the underrated Ron Perlman(Beauty and the Beast ) Perlman is an actor you probabley wouldn't recognize as he has had to wear so much facial make up in his career but he imbues 'Hell Boy' with a real humanity and a scathing wit ."How am I ever gonna get a girl when I drive around in a garbage truck ? " John Hurt as his father has little to do but that he loves Hell Boy there is no doubt having rescued him on the night he came from hell . Dr. Broom adopts the boy and they live at the Center For Paranormal Studies in New Jersey with a fish like creature and a fire starter girl who Hell Boy loves to pieces . I hope that this becomes a tent pole series for the studio as I would like to see Hell Boy in other situations . Five of 5 stars for 'Hell Boy'