An astronaut washes ashore and finds a magic genie. Then, he tells the genie to stay home and do nothing while he goes off to do his job, like normal. This sounds just like the old TV show we all know and love, right? This plot is fine if you're in a 60's TV sitcom, but THIS IS PORN!!!!!!! I can see that in a non-porn movie the "master" who finds a genie might not have his every depraved sexual wish granted, but for cryin' out loud, THIS IS PORN!! Yes, there is sex in this movie, but it's nothing you haven't seen in other porn, and very little of it involves Jenna (also, Jenna never looks remotely like she does on the cover, but I've come to expect this deception from all movie covers; see my other reviews). Here's my problem with this movie: this is a porno that actually follows a plot. In this plot, the guy who finds a genie has no sexual interest in her, and doesn't avail himself of her powers in any way (sexual or otherwise) Whaaaat? Even the cover says "Who hasn't dreamed of having their own personal genie... especially one that looks like Jenna Jameson!" And yet, this master has his own "personal genie", one that "looks like Jenna Jameson" right out of her bottle, and he wishes for... NOTHING!!! What would you expect the master of a porn genie to wish for: His five favorite stars on his lap? A 20-minute orgasm? SOMETHING SEXUAL?? I guess I was expecting something more creative from this movie. Very disappointing.
Reviews
3 Reviews
The Ranch
(2004 TV Movie)
Speechless! I am without speech.
29 November 2004
Well, not really speechless, because I have a lot to say about this movie!
Before I went to rent this DVD, I had read reviews and descriptions about the movie on several sites. It's about the women who work at a brothel in Nevada, and phrases like "sexually explicit" and "T&A" were coming up more than once. Brothel? T&A? You pretty much know what to expect with this movie, right? So I go to the video store and read the cover, and the description is about what I had seen on the net; it even says "Rated R: Sexual content, Including dialogue". I think to myself, "This was made for Showtime, I wonder why it's even rated?", but I'm not really concerned, because I've seen several PG-13 movies that have a fair amount of T&A, so an R rated version of a movie made for pay-cable should still be more or less intact. Right?
Then I get it home and watch it, and I end up looking around the room for the hidden camera, because I know I must be being "Punk'd". Why? First, there is the "Sexual Content"; There is no nudity in this movie. None. Zero. No brief flashes, no side views, nada. And what about the "dialogue"? The F-word is clumsily (and obviously, just look at their mouths!) dubbed with words like "frick" and "heck", a**hole is replaced with "arrogant" and "blowhard", b!tch replaced with "witch", the phrase "BJ" is inserted where the actors mouths are clearly saying the two words that "BJ" stands for, etc., etc. I've done a bit more searching on the net, and have found out that there are both "Unrated" and "R-Rated" versions of the DVD. That's fine, many movies have an unrated release that adds a couple extra scenes or goes a little farther than the rated version did. But this "R" version could have aired on network TV! It certainly isn't family viewing, but it's nowhere near "R".
If you want to watch this flick for the plot alone, you'll probably be disappointed there, too. This was the pilot for a series that never materialized, so all the story lines are left hanging in the air; the movie just sort-of ends with no closure to anything. But if you want to watch this for, ahem, reasons other than plot, be sure to find the unrated version! That has to be the version other reviewers were talking about.
Before I went to rent this DVD, I had read reviews and descriptions about the movie on several sites. It's about the women who work at a brothel in Nevada, and phrases like "sexually explicit" and "T&A" were coming up more than once. Brothel? T&A? You pretty much know what to expect with this movie, right? So I go to the video store and read the cover, and the description is about what I had seen on the net; it even says "Rated R: Sexual content, Including dialogue". I think to myself, "This was made for Showtime, I wonder why it's even rated?", but I'm not really concerned, because I've seen several PG-13 movies that have a fair amount of T&A, so an R rated version of a movie made for pay-cable should still be more or less intact. Right?
Then I get it home and watch it, and I end up looking around the room for the hidden camera, because I know I must be being "Punk'd". Why? First, there is the "Sexual Content"; There is no nudity in this movie. None. Zero. No brief flashes, no side views, nada. And what about the "dialogue"? The F-word is clumsily (and obviously, just look at their mouths!) dubbed with words like "frick" and "heck", a**hole is replaced with "arrogant" and "blowhard", b!tch replaced with "witch", the phrase "BJ" is inserted where the actors mouths are clearly saying the two words that "BJ" stands for, etc., etc. I've done a bit more searching on the net, and have found out that there are both "Unrated" and "R-Rated" versions of the DVD. That's fine, many movies have an unrated release that adds a couple extra scenes or goes a little farther than the rated version did. But this "R" version could have aired on network TV! It certainly isn't family viewing, but it's nowhere near "R".
If you want to watch this flick for the plot alone, you'll probably be disappointed there, too. This was the pilot for a series that never materialized, so all the story lines are left hanging in the air; the movie just sort-of ends with no closure to anything. But if you want to watch this for, ahem, reasons other than plot, be sure to find the unrated version! That has to be the version other reviewers were talking about.
2069: A Sex Odyssey
(1974)
DON'T BE FOOLED AT THE VIDEO STORE!!!
2 June 2002
If you see the title "2069 A Sex Odyssey" in the video store, BEWARE!! The cover has Tori Wells and three other "80's" porn stars, and has a copyright of 1986. If you're like me (and I hope you're not) you'll think "80's porn? Tori Wells? Alright!" Trickery!! It was made in 1974 and has dubbed German stars! There's nothing inherently wrong with 70's German porn, but it's not my cup of tea, and it's nothing like what the cover leads you to believe you're getting. Once I got past my rage about the blatantly misleading jacket, I watched it anyway. It's a bad, bad movie. Sorry, I guess I didn't really get past the rage.
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