party pat Reviews

Friday the 13th (2009)

Not as bad as I thought it was going to be

[8/10 · 26 September 2009]

Im not a fan of remakes at all but this one was one of the better ones I have scene. For what ever that is worth. There were a few things I didn't like about it though. Whats up with Jason having a home. He comes back from the dead and kills until someone kills him. Why would he bother having a residence, its not like he goes home after a long day of killing to relax. He just keeps killing. Also he doesn't take prisoners, he kills everyone. I don't care if she looks like his mom, he kills everyone. A lastly, when did he start cleaning up the kills. He usually hides the bodies from their friends, but he does go and clean up the entire crime scene. That aside I did like the movie. The kills were pretty awesome and they just kept coming. The movie also follows the standard pattern from the original movies. I wish the would not have said this was a remake, they should have just made it another movie in the series. Definitely worth the watch for fans of the series and 80s horror movie fans.

Epic Movie (2007)

Terrible

[2/10 · 28 May 2007]

I've watched some pretty awful movies but this one is unwatchable. I could only get through the first half hour and then I had to turn it off. The jokes were painfully unfunny to the point where I think the writes must have been trying to make the worst comedy they could. I can't believe they found enough people to dedicate time to make the movie or even people to fund it. The only way this movie could have been worse is if it included Carrot Top, Paulie Shore, and Ben Affleck in the staring roles, but then I think I would of had to lobotomize myself to forget the horror my eyes would had endured. If you haven't seen any portion of this movie, I sincerely envy you. No one should have to endure the total crappyness of this turd.

Taking Lives (2004)

Take my life please

[4/10 · 30 May 2006]

This movie started out looking pretty good, hot FBI agent tracking a serial killer who then lives on as the people he kills. The killer however picks his targets because they will not be missed and then he can assume their identity without raising any suspicion. The movie would like you to believe that it is Kiefer Sutherland, but why would he continue to stalk a man who has become under police surveillance, he would not which makes it abundantly clear that Ethen Hawke is the killer and the rest of the movie just drags and drags. Also why would an FBI agent be fired for sleeping with someone after they think the case is closed which makes the entire last scene of the movie totally predictable. There is however a good shot of Angelina Jolies boobs which is definitely worth the stars, so this is a two star movie with a good boob shot. These boobs are not however in great demand and I would suggest seeing one of the many other movie she gets naked in over this suspense thriller without any suspense and very little thrill.

Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang (1999)

You may need some drugs for this one.

[5/10 · 25 May 2006]

This is a story about a kid who is sent to a kid prison that is headed by the Hooded Fang (an evil professional wrestler played by Gary Busey). Jacob has to take on the Fang and liberate all the wrongfully locked up kids. Two things make this movie worth watching, Gary Busey and Ice T, both play their parts hilariously. Busey looks completely coked out the entire film and makes some of the funniest faces I've seen caught on film, Ice T plays a singing judge who is tough on crime and seems to send everyone to the kiddie joint. The songs in this movie are really ridiculous, and thus really funny. Definitely worth the watch but it is no Jingle all the way.

Born to Race (1988)

Born to suck

[4/10 · 15 May 2006]

Al Pagura is a young race car driver looking for a big break, and Andrea Lombardo is a hot young Italian engineer trying to sell her new innovative engine design. She is kidnapped by the Beast Master, who wants the engine designs for his own car. Pagura and his team of misfit pit crew dudes go on an adventure of wacky hi-jinx to get the girl and ultimately win the big race. If this review sounds cheesy, it is because this movie is, and not in a good way, no good lines, no unintentionally funny scenes, basically its like the latter episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard, totally yokely and a waste of film. This movie should only be watched after drinking 10 beers, then it may be good, other than that, stay away. Oh and Pagura gets this totally hot chick to fall for him almost immediately, saved her, then bam, doin it. Completely unbelievable, totally predictable, and most importantly only slightly funny, but even thats a stretch. If you are a fan of latter Dukes of Hazzard or have some unholy obsession with the Beast Master this may be for you.

Super Spy (2004 Video)

The Black James Bond Kinda

[6/10 · 30 January 2006]

Super Spy is the story of a black man trying to make his screen play about the black James Bond. The the only problem is that he has no money to do it. He assembles a rag tag crew and cast and makes the movie for under 10 grand. His brother, who is a black Elvis impersonator, plays the James Bond character Jimmy Bond 008. Since the movie has almost no budget they hire a large bearded white guy to do all the stunts for every one including the women, and they have no special effects. During filming they accidentally capture a bank robbery taking place, and the Feds and bank robbers are trying to apprehend the footage. The writer does not realize it is for the bank robbery and thinks its the movie industry trying to take down independent films. The movie definitely has its moments but most of the humor seemed forced. The actually movie they were making seemed much more hilarious. Definitely worth at least one viewing. The black Elvis impersonator is by far the funniest character in the movie, but does not have much screen time, the stunt man is also quite hilarious in the film. all in all a decent comedy.

Death Ring (1992 Video)

a definite must see of untalented relatives

[7/10 · 28 January 2006]

If this movie had Joe Estavez and Frank Stalone, I would have creamed my pants. But this cast of closely related to actual good actors is still more than most. Chuck Norris' son is captured and taken to an Island to be hunted. Yeah Its a Most Dangerous Game plot, but it has Dan Swazey. He looks kinda like his brother except incredibly creepy and very leathery. Someone said it looked like ET may have been his father. The Norris/Swazey tag team is even better than the Dennis Rodman/Van Dam but not as good as the double dose of Arnold in the Sixth Day, and they are an ass kicking machine. Dans best line "I'm back from the dead and I'm going t kick your ass." If you find this movie watch it, it rulz, thats right with a "z".

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978 TV Movie)

One of TVs worst moments

[1/10 · 6 January 2006]

If there was a 2 week drug and booze bender to blame for this project getting the green, it would still not be excusable. The only excuse I would find acceptable would be a bitter old man on his death bed giving the green light revenge on the viewing audience. This (I don't even know what to call it) is bad. If you have any self respect for yourself and your memory do not watch it. I wish I could go and have the day I watched this erased from my memory. Unfortunately I can not and I'm stuck with this scar of a memory for life. Do yourself a favor and stay as far away from this as possible. To complete the 10 line requirement, Awful AWFUL HORRIBLE AWFUL AWFUL SUCKS.

Walk the Line (2005)

Better than expected

[6/10 · 16 December 2005]

Every one I've talked to that has scene this movie either loves it or hates. it. I was pretty much indifferent. It was better than I thought it would be, but still very lacking. The story jumps too much. You just start to get a feeling for that part of Johnny Cash's life then its bam 2 years latter. Almost none of the characters were developed in the story except Johnny Cash and June Carter. At the end of the movie I didn't even remember most of the characters names. The man lived an incredibly interesting life and they decided to touch a little of every aspect, but in the end didn't really go into detail of any of it. The movie also seemed to drag a lot, which you would think would allow them to go into detail, but alas, no. The movie was by no means bad, and I'm glad that I saw it, but I don't think it is the masterpiece everyone is making it out to be.

Ring of Darkness (2004 TV Movie)

This movie sucks

[1/10 · 8 September 2005]

When I started to watch this movie, I thought awesome, a boy band that is mostly zombies, awesome premise. This movie however took a horribly bad turn and became an unwatchable piece of garbage. First off, no gore. If your going to make a crappy B-movie about zombies, you need gore. This had none, the zombies apparently kill their victims by dog piling them to death, what the hell. Also if you have a zombie movie, more than 4 people have to die, and they all need to die violently on camera.

The movie starts out with the singer of a boy band getting dog piled by the rest of the band, presumably because he found out they were zombies. So the band needs a new singer and holds nation wide try outs. Three people are picked and go to the bands private Island where one by one they disappear (i.e. "eaten" by the zombies) until only the "bad boy" remains, and saves the day. Late in the movie you find out that they are actually a boy band from the 50's who got in a plane crash and they were all killed. Then this lady brings them back with some kind of magic, and they were different hit boy bands through out the past few decades. No one seemed to notice that all these bands looked like the same 4 dudes with different hair cuts and clothes. Then at the end the main characters girl friend dies and he brings her back as a zombie.

Didn't this guy see "Return of the Living Dead 3", not a good idea. Acting was horrible, script was horrible, and no blood or nudity. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. Also you must endure music that makes the Backstreet Boys seem tolerable.

The Grudge (2004)

Kinda like the Ring except lamer

[3/10 · 7 September 2005]

I'm not a big fan of the suspense thriller horror movie. I much prefer the blood and guts thrasher style horror. There are a few exceptions though when done right, this was not one of them. Imagine the Ring, but gayer and in Japan. It has the similar special effects and even the "zombies(?)" look very similar. This movie however does not have nearly as good of a plot or script. They try to make it more interesting with the flash backs but it was just confusing as to what was going on and why. Then it all came together at the end and it was lame. The girl going down the steps at the end was very reminiscent of the scene from the Exorcist, except the Exercist scene didn't suck and was totally creepy. The only thing this movie had going for it was Ted Raimi, that dude rules, and he had hardly any screen time. Would not recommend this unless you are into totally unoriginal suspense thrillers that suck, then you would probably love this.

Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)

From the wacky mind of Bruce Campbell

[9/10 · 21 August 2005]

I saw this last week during Bruce Campbell's book tour. I thought it was amazing. Almost everything I would expect from a Bruce Campbell sci-fi movie. Its campy and very funny. Ted Raimi was also hilarious and extremely goofy. The plot is wacky, an American business man goes to Bulgaria and is killed. Stacy Keach plays a mad scientist who saves/brings Bruce Campbell back to life by implanting half of the brain of an ex-KGB turned cabbie. Bruce Campbell spends the rest of the film trying to avenge his death and has many internal arguments between himself and the KGB agent. The movie has all the great Bruce Campbell slap stick and humor. The movie is somewhat predictable, I knew once the wife was killed that she would be sharing a brain with her killer. However I didn't go to see this movie because I thought it would have an Oscar winning script, I went to see it because it was a Bruce Campbell sci-fi movie and I was not disappointed in the least. I highly recommend that you go see him on his book tour or wait and watch it on the sci-fi channel next month. Although before the movie he said the Sci-Fi channel did cut some of the movie out to make it TV friendly. If you are a fan of Bruce, I highly recommend it.

Bring It on: Again (2004 Video)

Please Don't

[3/10 · 14 August 2005]

This movie was terrible, the plot the script the actors, all terrible. The first one at least had its funny moments like the part with Ian Roberts, and the girls were hot. This one no funny parts and the girls could definitely be hotter. As I was watching this movie all I could feel was embarrassment for everyone involved with this movie. At the end I was totally hoping they would fall in a close vote to the Varsity squad making the Rocky comment earlier in the movie warranted and the movie in general more believable, but no they will. At what was up with the fans at the end, they went from totally booing the squad to having home made and professionally made signs. This movie may be good if you have some time to waste and a lot of drugs, not just some but a lot.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Not too bad

[5/10 · 14 August 2005]

This Movie was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact I even sort of enjoyed it. It starts of pretty weak, apparently Dennis Quaid is the only person in the world to be able to predict a huge storm that is going to change the climate and the world forever. What caused such a storm, pollution. Of course the US government ignores him, wouldn't you, and terror ensues. This movie is basically a run of the mill natural disaster movie with with descent special effects. Nothing all that special, but if you enjoy natural disaster flicks you will probably like this one. The movie would have been way better had Donnie Darko and Dennis Quaid had died at the very beginning and the homeless man was trapped in with a bunch of supermodels. However, it did not happen that way and there is only an OK and not great movie.

Shredder Orpheus (1990)

This Movie Sucks

[1/10 · 12 August 2005]

I found this movie at the flea market for cheap. I was so psyched because I thought it was a skateboarding movie. I got home put it on, the previews rules and the opening scene with the old guy rolling down the street on the skateboard was awesome. At that moment I realized it was a post-apocalyptic movie but I still had high hopes for it. This movie was awful. A friend of mine was stoned out of his mind when we watched it and even he thought it was horrible and a waste of being high. I kept falling asleep during the movie because it was so boring and the music was utterly awful. I don't know if during the apocalypse all the good music, and all the music that is only kind of crappy is destroyed and everyones memory of how to play it is wiped clean but I think I would rather die than have to endure that crap. Also what the hell was up with the TV studio? I can only assume that this movie was adapted from an old Greek play, with the names and title, but some plays are not meant to be adapted into a futuristic sci-fi setting. Or at least not by the people who were involved with this movie. If you are forced to watch this movie, I can only suggest bringing a hand gun and finishing yourself off before the end. It would be a good movie to kill yourself too, everyone will understand why.

The Stepford Wives (2004)

Was this supposed to be a comedy?

[3/10 · 12 August 2005]

I think the movie was supposed to be funny, but the jokes were forced and just plain dumb. You don't feel sorry for any of the characters, you only feel sorry for yourself and others watching it with you for the pain of watching this movie. Even Christopher Walken was unfunny and he is always funny. I think the main problem of the movie is that Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman were the main characters. Matthew Broderick just can't act and Nicole Kidman should not do comedy.

The movie is also totally predictable. Even though there are tons plot twists, you can see them coming every time. By the end of the movie I was just praying that Arnold Schwarzenegger as John Matrix would walk in and take out the whole town. That did not happen and I was left feeling confused on how this movie got the green light. If you haven't seen it, I envy you.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Movie definitely lacking

[5/10 · 28 June 2005]

This movie wasn't awful but it wasn't good either. It seemed like is was going to build and build until there was a bad ass human zombie all out war. Instread they came into the city killed a few zombies and left. Also they let the one "evolving" zombie live because he wasn't coming for them. He is a zombie, kill him, especially if he can think. Definitely the worst of the Romero films. Denis Hopper was amazing in this film though, like in most of his roles. The budget was obviously there with they costumes and sets, they should have taken the money they wasted on John Leguzamo's salary and invested in some writers. I'm not asking for an Oscar winning plot, just a script of a bad ass zombie movie.

The Naked Man (II) (1999)

Well a lot of nothing happened and some stuff went unexplained

[3/10 · 12 September 2001]

When I saw the trailer for this movie, I thought this was going to be a comedy about underground wreseling. Man was I wrong. I found this movie in the comedy section, but I did not witness any comedy, just a lot of unneccessary and drawn out seens. There also was not much wreseling going on. I don't know how you make a seen where a man wearing a suit with his organs drawn on beats up a biker boring. This movie beat all the odds though. By shear numbers alone that seen should have been at least mildly entertaining, somehow though it was not. The only saving grace is Racheal Leigh Cook's character. Not really the character but how she was dressed. Its a sad production when a movie must credit a characters lack of clothing as its only high point. This had pretty respectable actors in it to. Do actors read the scripts before they take parts? I really can not write any thing else about this movie for I do not wish to recall my viewing of it.

Killjoy (2000 Video)

Dude dies, nothing happens for a while, then comes back as clown and sucks

[1/10 · 9 September 2001]

Who gave this movie more than a 1, please tell me that you are 6. If you are even 7 years old you are a disgrace to human kind. In reality everyone should have given it a 0. I rented it because it had a crazy looking clown on the cover and the catch line of "He's not clowning around". How can you mess up a movie with such a great catch line. Well whoever made this movie did, and I hope he never makes any other movies. In fact I hope that anyone involved with this movie never works on another movie again and really should call Dr. Kavorkian. This is on par with the movie The Ice Cream Man with Clint Howard. No acting skill and apparently someone forgot to write the scrip because nothing really happened. The little action that did take place was so unbearable to watch that I have blocked those horrid memories. Do you hate yourself? Well if you really really hate yourself, watch this movie.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Heavy Metal Killer crashes the party.

[5/10 · 9 August 2000]

This was a typical 80's horror movie, except the killer was metal and there was only one breast shot (of course it was the ugliest chick).What makes this movie worth watching is the Elvis mixed with Andrew Dice Clay murderer who playes this massive guitar with a drill on the head. It looks like it was stolen from a Twisted Sister video. As he murders his victims he plays and sings. Two sceens show him dancing, doing the splits and breackdancing. Well worth the watch if you can take the back dialogue, camera angles and Rob Lowes brother Patrick.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Almost your average horror film

[8/10 · 9 August 2000]

This is the typical 70s horror film, people getting hacked up by these crazy back woods folk very reminiscent of deliverence. Just not as inbred looking. Half the people die but the few left devise a plan to kill off the people from the hills. The last scene in this movie makes it good and worth while. If you have seen it you know what I mean if you havent you wont be disappointed, unless you have no sense of humor.