This is an intriguing, exciting, dreem-wip of a revisionist superhero movie for about ten minutes when Sean Connery's doing an antique, prequel James Bond routine in Africa at the start.
After that, the only problem is the rest of the picture. And, as the punchline to a very old joke goes, "And the good news is...there's plenty of it."
I haven't read the Alan Moore comic book, so other than the general portentous plod of the overall enterprise due to lack of humour - the one trustworthy Achilles' Heel of probably the best writer comics ever produced - can't tell what was his fault and what we could paper-bag, set on fire, and lay at the door of the movie-makers' responsible.
This is probably not the first "high concept" movie to be all high-concept and otherwise entirely devoid of content, but it sure sets a lofty standard.
The basic idea is a period superhero team movie, and you could as easily call them The League of Out-of-Copyright Superheros. We've got the guy from "King Solomon's Mines", a minor character from "Dracula", Dr Jekyll and his famous alter-ego the Incredible Cockney Hulk, some bloke who knew the Invisible Man (why would I make this up?), and Captain Nemo from "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea".
My favourites are Oscar Wilde's "Dorian Gray" as an invulnerable immortal - that whirring noise you're hearing is Oscar-baby reaching CD-playing speeds as he revolves in his grave - and the inclusion of Tom Sawyer as a US government agent (which agency remains a closely guarded secret between the screenwriter and his barber) - a conception only matched in its gratuitousness by its under-writing.
The initial plot is vaguely intriguing, so having hooked you with that, they abandon it about one ice-hockey period into the movie. No fooling. It's just "We've changed our minds and now we're going over here." You'd need gallons of cement and complete hunks of Stonehenge to fill in the holes in the writing throughout. If you're a fan of Deus Ex Machina type balderdash in plot-construction, such as the above, please enjoy the use of one character - just in case you're awake by that point, I won't spoil it by naming him/her for you - who disappears entirely from the picture for enormous swathes of it, only to re-appear to save the day out of nowhere when the plot hits yet another giant iceberg and all hope for the writers appears lost.
Apart from leaning heavily on the names of characters painfully extracted from their original fictional settings, they do nothing with them at all. It could as easily have been the Michelin Man as Dorian Gray, the blonde guy from Scooby Doo for Tom Sawyer, Allen Funt as Allan Quartermain, etc etc.
On the plus-side they've spent a lot of money right where you can see it, they eventually get to some action here and there (you know, explosions, gratuitous kung fu, and stuff), and it's all real LOUD in case your attention drifts off towards doing your laundry, or buying bread on the way home every ten minutes or so.
The only actor detectable in the picture is Sean Connery. The woman playing Mina Harker provides some added action-value wrestling with her accent, which skews all over the joint from Sydney's suburbs to various locales in London and rural England. They obviously told the Johnny Depp-looking guy playing Dorian Gray to keep his trick facial hair in shot and otherwise stand around looking bored, and he does a fabulous job in both regards.
Plum role must go the poor schlub landed with Captain Nemo. He has to chew all his dialogue through two ZZ Top members' worth of facial hair, which is probably meant to make him look mysterious, but is likely to draw considerable acclaim as the only detectable hilarity in the movie. He comes over like a tired, cranky shop-keeper, and either the guy's real short, or they've deliberately shot him to look like a midget. For little apparent reason twice in the picture he breaks out into his own fighting code - Sword-Fu. If it wasn't for Unnecessary Tom Sawyer, this would probably be a lock for dullest performance in the movie this year. (Except the yard-long beard, which should probably get a special comedy Oscar).
I can't wait for the next "League of Public Domain Superheros". Just imagine who we'll encounter in that one. Frankenstein's caterer, The Little Engine that Could, the Wolfman's cousin Myron, Pippi Longstocking, Lenny & Squiggy, Bill Sykes from "Oliver Twist" - the skies are the limit.
By the by, just when you think they've hit on something moderately conclusive and viable for the ending, they go and pimp on that too.
If you like big, dumb pictures where the villain puts the heroes through all manner of scantily-written trials and then they FIGHT BACK AND WIN - you know, like nine out of ten mainstream pictures - and everything explodes and it's all at AC/DC concert volume - then see "The League of Ultra-Ordinary Gentlefolk", because it's got all that stuff down to a skit. Otherw die-hard laugh-chasers might want to watch for Captain Nemo's comedy beard, or at least hope it stars in its own series of spin-off movies.
After that, the only problem is the rest of the picture. And, as the punchline to a very old joke goes, "And the good news is...there's plenty of it."
I haven't read the Alan Moore comic book, so other than the general portentous plod of the overall enterprise due to lack of humour - the one trustworthy Achilles' Heel of probably the best writer comics ever produced - can't tell what was his fault and what we could paper-bag, set on fire, and lay at the door of the movie-makers' responsible.
This is probably not the first "high concept" movie to be all high-concept and otherwise entirely devoid of content, but it sure sets a lofty standard.
The basic idea is a period superhero team movie, and you could as easily call them The League of Out-of-Copyright Superheros. We've got the guy from "King Solomon's Mines", a minor character from "Dracula", Dr Jekyll and his famous alter-ego the Incredible Cockney Hulk, some bloke who knew the Invisible Man (why would I make this up?), and Captain Nemo from "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea".
My favourites are Oscar Wilde's "Dorian Gray" as an invulnerable immortal - that whirring noise you're hearing is Oscar-baby reaching CD-playing speeds as he revolves in his grave - and the inclusion of Tom Sawyer as a US government agent (which agency remains a closely guarded secret between the screenwriter and his barber) - a conception only matched in its gratuitousness by its under-writing.
The initial plot is vaguely intriguing, so having hooked you with that, they abandon it about one ice-hockey period into the movie. No fooling. It's just "We've changed our minds and now we're going over here." You'd need gallons of cement and complete hunks of Stonehenge to fill in the holes in the writing throughout. If you're a fan of Deus Ex Machina type balderdash in plot-construction, such as the above, please enjoy the use of one character - just in case you're awake by that point, I won't spoil it by naming him/her for you - who disappears entirely from the picture for enormous swathes of it, only to re-appear to save the day out of nowhere when the plot hits yet another giant iceberg and all hope for the writers appears lost.
Apart from leaning heavily on the names of characters painfully extracted from their original fictional settings, they do nothing with them at all. It could as easily have been the Michelin Man as Dorian Gray, the blonde guy from Scooby Doo for Tom Sawyer, Allen Funt as Allan Quartermain, etc etc.
On the plus-side they've spent a lot of money right where you can see it, they eventually get to some action here and there (you know, explosions, gratuitous kung fu, and stuff), and it's all real LOUD in case your attention drifts off towards doing your laundry, or buying bread on the way home every ten minutes or so.
The only actor detectable in the picture is Sean Connery. The woman playing Mina Harker provides some added action-value wrestling with her accent, which skews all over the joint from Sydney's suburbs to various locales in London and rural England. They obviously told the Johnny Depp-looking guy playing Dorian Gray to keep his trick facial hair in shot and otherwise stand around looking bored, and he does a fabulous job in both regards.
Plum role must go the poor schlub landed with Captain Nemo. He has to chew all his dialogue through two ZZ Top members' worth of facial hair, which is probably meant to make him look mysterious, but is likely to draw considerable acclaim as the only detectable hilarity in the movie. He comes over like a tired, cranky shop-keeper, and either the guy's real short, or they've deliberately shot him to look like a midget. For little apparent reason twice in the picture he breaks out into his own fighting code - Sword-Fu. If it wasn't for Unnecessary Tom Sawyer, this would probably be a lock for dullest performance in the movie this year. (Except the yard-long beard, which should probably get a special comedy Oscar).
I can't wait for the next "League of Public Domain Superheros". Just imagine who we'll encounter in that one. Frankenstein's caterer, The Little Engine that Could, the Wolfman's cousin Myron, Pippi Longstocking, Lenny & Squiggy, Bill Sykes from "Oliver Twist" - the skies are the limit.
By the by, just when you think they've hit on something moderately conclusive and viable for the ending, they go and pimp on that too.
If you like big, dumb pictures where the villain puts the heroes through all manner of scantily-written trials and then they FIGHT BACK AND WIN - you know, like nine out of ten mainstream pictures - and everything explodes and it's all at AC/DC concert volume - then see "The League of Ultra-Ordinary Gentlefolk", because it's got all that stuff down to a skit. Otherw die-hard laugh-chasers might want to watch for Captain Nemo's comedy beard, or at least hope it stars in its own series of spin-off movies.
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