axemblue Reviews

Trigun (1998)

It'll hook you with the humor, catch you with the drama, and please you all the way.

[9/10 · 26 July 2006]

Vash the Stampede is a man shrouded in mystery. On the surface, he's a blond, airheaded, panty-chasing dork. Yet he's the most infamous outlaw on the planet Gunsmoke and has a bounty of $$60,000,000,000 (that's 60 billion double dollars, for those not in the know) dogging him. But there's more to Vash: for all of the massive property damage and injuries he's been linked to, he has no record of killing a single human being.

Vash is pursued by two insurance agents, Meryl Stryfe and Milly Thompson, who are tasked with following the exploits of Vash and the disasters that have earned him the nickname "Humanoid Typhoon". Other characters soon follow, such as the arsenal-toting priest Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Vash's cruel brother Knives, and Knives' manipulative henchman Legato Bluesummers. By the time the story begins to come to a close, we learn of the dark, sad history that Vash conceals beneath his upbeat and cheery exterior.

As an anime series, Trigun lends itself well as a mixture of genres. There are elements of Western films all over the planet the characters call home with several sci-fi touches as well. Early on, the show presents itself as a comedy; Vash is a donut-chowing pervert who escapes from trouble in the strangest ways, and cartoonish sight gags are commonplace. But by the time Legato enters the scene, the show takes a much darker turn, and we find that Vash himself is no ordinary man.

Once the serious side of Trigun came about, I wasn't sure what to make of a show that started out so focused on humor and throwbacks to cinematic gunfighting. However, the revelations exposed in later episodes definitely made me appreciate the characters--especially Vash--and their personal struggles in a hellish world. Because of that, Trigun is an anime I'd definitely recommend.

"Love and peace!"

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Simply, one of the greatest shows of all time.

[10/10 · 7 July 2006]

You know, I bet each of us has seen a movie that just practically shouts out "AWFUL!" For me, that movie was My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but that's a story for another day. The point I'm trying to make is that somewhere out there, there may be a guy who has to sit through all of history's greatest wastes of celluloid.

In Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K for short), that's just what happens: a human male (Joel Hodgson/Robinson in the earlier seasons, Mike Nelson in the later episodes) is subjected to horrible films. But one aspect that remains constant is that the human is accompanied by his robotic pals Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo (along with supporting droids Gypsy, Cambot and Magic Voice). Since Joel/Mike has no say in the weekly movie choices, he, Crow and Servo just heckle and mock the movies all the way through to keep themselves from going nuts. Depending on the season, our heroes are pursued by the insidious Dr. Forrester, his mother Pearl, TV's Frank and other crazy characters.

During the movie (and an occasional bonus educational short or something), Joel/Mike, Servo, and Crow are all represented by silhouettes at the bottom of the screen. This, in my opinion, is much more realistic than having voice-overs, although the snide remarks sometimes make it hard to follow the movie (if you actually care enough).

Nevertheless, these guys crack a great mixture of obvious and subtle jokes. They don't alienate either the casual viewer or the hardcore trivia wizards. And since many of their flicks hail from the USA in the 1950s/60s, there's time enough to beat up the squeaky-clean, woman-hating, perfect-hair conformity stereotypes present in cinema of that era. Moreover, the producers were careful to pick up only movies that were too horrible to become famous (although Manos: The Hands of Fate owes the majority of its fame to MST3K), yet there are a few episodes with movies featuring well-established sci-fi icons like Godzilla and Gamera.

MST3K has disappeared from television broadcast, but the show is being released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment in boxed sets of four episodes each. It will unfortunately take a very long while for every possible episode to show up, but until then, MST3K has found a loving home in the home video trading scene--possibly inspired by the "keep circulating the tapes" message in the credits of several episodes. (Don't tell the industry bigwigs, though.) Best of all, they're non-sequential, so pop a show in and enjoy one of the thoroughly funniest programs in the universe...

Home Movies (1999–2004)

"And now, it's time to pay the price."

[9/10 · 1 June 2006]

'Home Movies' has an interesting history. First given a brief run on UPN, it later found a new home on Cartoon Network's then-new "Adult Swim" block. The first season was animated in a jittery, amateurish style called "Squigglevision" (think "Dr. Katz"); subsequent seasons were rendered using Macromedia's popular Flash software. And yet it never gained much more than a small, loyal cult following. (Fortunately, the complete series has been released on DVD.)

Brendon Small (loosely based on the show's creator, also named Brendon Small) is a 4th-grade kid living with his divorced mom Paula and bespectacled baby sister Josie. And he has an interesting hobby: creating shoestring-budget home movies on his camcorder with his friends Melissa and Jason. These movies often run parallel to his day-to-day misadventures, including those involving school, rabid pets, bullies, road safety, and even little Josie's curious tendency to shove marbles into her nostrils.

Other acquaintances include angsty rocker kid Duane, Melissa's father Erik, the hyperactive pals Walter and Perry, a spoiled brat named Fenton, and the dorky cat-loving teacher Mr. Lynch. On top of that, Brendon has a rather unwanted mentor and adult figure in the form of his soccer coach, Jon McGuirk, a beer-bellied, obnoxious, loud, money-squandering oaf.

The episode which introduced me to 'Home Movies' was, in fact, the one in which Josie is sticking marbles in her nose; Brendon makes a film instructing kids about the dangers of doing such and also has Duane's band perform a metal-rock song about not putting marbles in your nose. (As it turns out, Brendon's production unintentionally encourages children to do just that.) It's situations like these and the show's brand of sarcastic, off-the-wall humor that made me fall in love with it.

On the other hand, the first season was the most enjoyable to me because, behind the scenes, the show was somewhat improvised in that the actors were given the general idea for a scene and basically just ad-libbed it from there. The spontaneity of it all made the show funny, while the squiggling animation gave it the look of something a child such as Brendon would make. That said, while the show remained funny (the gross-out humor was largely phased out, thankfully) and the transition to Flash made the animation easier on the eyes, the later seasons lost some of the first season's humanity, so to speak.

In the end, although Brendon and his pals give the impression that they act like miniature adults, this is a goofy look at childhood that aims more toward high-brow humor than 'South Park', and I think it's worth it to check out at least the first season.

Please Teacher! (2002)

Forget the naysayers; this is a cute and fun series.

[8/10 · 31 May 2006]

With a name like 'Onegai Teacher' ('Please Teacher'), one might expect this to be 1) a hentai show, 2) a harem anime, or 3) both. Fortunately, what we have here is an entertaining little show that avoids the genres which have become the "box office poison" of anime.

Kei Kusanagi is a boy in a small Japanese town (which, in truth, is closely based upon a real-life area near Lake Kizaki in Nagano Prefecture, Japan). He's 18 years old but resembles a 15-year-old due to a disease which causes him to fall into coma-like states called "standstills", one of which lasted 3 years. (Don't ask me about the scientific validity of this; just roll with it.)

A spaceship lands in the nearby lake, and Kei spots a strange pink-haired lady in the area. The next day, the woman (Mizuho Kazami) shows up as a new teacher in Kei's high school and even moves in near his house. While Kei helps her unpack after school, numerous hijinks ensue as both realize they've noticed each other earlier. Mizuho's an alien sent to monitor the progress of Earth, and she goes to great lengths to protect her secret, but after some very complex and embarrassing situations, the two secretly marry each other to keep the truth about their encounters under wraps.

Kei, who until now has led a relatively average and uninteresting life outside of his illness, now finds himself living with a babe-a-licious teacher--and coping with the numerous complications which arise from such a life. One of Kei's classmates has the hots for him, and a manipulative peer takes a keen interest in Kei's social life. His male friends, meanwhile, have the hots for his spouse. Plus, there's Mizuho's mother and little sister to worry about.

What with the endless number of romance anime shows revolving around simple boyfriend-girlfriend scenarios, it's interesting to see one that actually profiles a married couple. Although I felt that some of the sci-fi elements weren't necessary, this 13-episode show held my interest quite a bit, and I recommend it. If you enjoy this show, check out its sequel-spin off, 'Onegai Twins' ('Please Twins'), which is also more grounded in realism than 'Teacher'.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1993) Season 5, Episode 24

Joel and the 'bots can make any horribly boring "horror" flick fun

[10/10 · 30 May 2006]

"Manos." "The Hands of Fate?" "Yes."

The buzz is true: this is a classic MST3K episode, mostly owing to the fact that the movie Joel, Crow, and Servo are riffing this time is so dull and ill-constructed that, if it weren't for the humorous commentary, would have bored me to sleep. Hell, the movie was directed by a fertilizer salesman, if that tells you anything.

Although I'm not so fond of the live segments on the show, I enjoyed the opening inventions, specifically Dr. Forrester and Frank's "chocolate bunny guillotine" ("His only crime was being born DELICIOUS!" Crow wails). Later, both of the Mads apologize for sending the train wreck which is "Manos: The Hands of Fate".

The show also opens with the second part of a short film, "Hired!", a '50s-era training film for new Chevrolet employees - although when a company movie takes the time to show an old dude swatting at invisible flies and putting a rag on his head, you know there's something wrong.

Meanwhile, "Manos" is rife with amateur cinematography, dubbed voices, and repetitive music. The opening scenes are full of drive-by countryside shots, and we're also treated to a scene of a young couple making out in a car - a scene which has absolutely no relevance to the plot at all.

A family arrives at an old mansion run by the Frank Zappa lookalike Master and his crooked-legged servant Torgo (the latter of whom is accompanied by a goofy piece of music). From there, your typical horror hijinks ensue: the family's daughter goes missing, the doors get locked, a dog gets killed, and one door leads to the Master's hellish headquarters. Oh, yeah, and the Master's wives get into a pointlessly silly wrestling match.

Despite the fact that this "film" is a cure for insomnia, there are lots of jokes to be heard from our pals at MST3K. It's currently coupled with "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" on the "MST3K: The Essentials" DVD set.

Pac-Man (1980 Video Game)

Ugh.

[3 December 2005]

NOTE: I'm writing about the Atari VCS (a.k.a. Atari 2600) version, which is not to be confused with the original arcade game.

I can understand the Pac-Man craze that came about following the game's release. After all, it was the first video game in which you controlled a creature with an actual identity as opposed to Random Space Fighter #259. But I would have thought that Atari would at least show our yellow friend a bit of dignity.

The entire maze is etched in a puke-brown color on top of a blue background that hurts my eyes. Couldn't they just make the background black?! The ghosts flicker a lot, and some of the most irritating noises in the game world are pumped through your television speakers. The only saving grace is that the Pac-Man "eating" sound and the sound when he dies have been injected into miscellaneous techno songs and stuff, as well as an episode of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force".

Stay away from this and stick with the far superior arcade game or even the (excellent) NES port.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Eh?!

[5/10 · 7 July 2005]

If you want a Bond film that's crammed with 1970s cheese, look no further than "The Man With The Golden Gun", because this is the polar opposite of the dark and intriguing "Licence to Kill". Bond films, with the possible exception of "Licence", have never been known for their plausibility, but this one seems almost cartoonish. Bond (Roger Moore) is assigned to track down a critical part for a solar power device; at the same time, he suspects that Scaramanga (Christopher Lee), an infamous assassin with deadly aim who possesses a three-piece golden pistol and charges one million dollars per target, is after him.

The late Hervé Villechaize (of "Fantasy Island" fame) plays Nick Nack, Scaramanga's diminutive henchman, who is almost impossible to take seriously as an insidious dwarf and takes any and all drama out of the movie's last scene. Meanwhile, Britt Ekland is Mary Goodnight, quite possibly one of the most unattractive and unappealing Bond girls of all next to "Die Another Day"'s Halle Berry. And Sergeant J.W. Pepper (Clifton James) returns for more hijinks during Bond's investigation in Asia.

How cheesy is "Golden Gun"? Let me count the ways. The title theme, sung by Lulu ("To Sir With Love"), is pretty campy and resembles sort of an advertisement for Scaramanga's services ("If you want to get rid of someone/The man with the golden gun/Will get it done..."). Bond remarks in M's office with nigh-absolute seriousness that Scaramanga's most distinguishing characteristic is an oblique third nipple. (Don't ask me.) The interior of Scaramanga's island hideout resembles a sort of carnival fun house from hell, and Nick Nack's running commentary doesn't help. While in pursuit of Scaramanga, Bond gets his car to perform a spiraling jump across a broken bridge (apparently the first computer-calculated movie stunt) that looks fairly cool but is defiled by a stupid "boi-oi-oing" sound effect. And Scaramanga makes an escape in a car that flies around like an airplane. I kid you not.

Perhaps the only saving grace of the film is Lee's performance as the title role. From horror films to "Lord of the Rings" to "Star Wars" and everything else in between, the guy definitely knows how to act and addsdramatic tension to what otherwise threatens to be a train wreck of a motion picture. "Golden Gun" isn't a bad way to spend a couple of hours, but there are several Bond films I'd rather watch in its stead.

Private Lessons (1981)

If older women make beautiful lovers, then how come there aren't more Nicole Mallows?!

[5/10 · 23 January 2005]

"Private Lessons" isn't astonishingly bad... if you can look at it from the standpoint of it being a cheap adolescent thrill on late-night "Skin-emax" or any other premium station du jour. I'm mostly fine with plots involving taboo; even the "Onegai" series of anime doesn't phase me. But I will say this: the one and only reason anyone should feel compelled to watch this movie is to see the rather hot (back then anyway) Sylvia Kristel in the nude. It does have a cute premise, but it's never done much justice due to all of the amateurish writing and pacing.

Eric Brown is Phillip Fillmore (Philly Philly??), a 15-year-old kid with hormones gone berserk. In other words, he's pretty damn average. His deadbeat dad has left on a... business trip (wink wink nudge nudge) and has left Philly back home with his recently arrived immigrant housekeeper Nicole Mallow (Kristel) and sleazy chauffeur Lester (Howard Hesseman). Seems Philly's got the hots for Nicole, and Lester takes advantage of this, persuading Nicole to fake her own death at the hands (or loins) of the boy so he can make off with Philly's money like a bandit. But Nicole switches around mid-plot, deciding instead to help stop Lester's Half-Baked Evil Scheme™. Cue several slapstick hijinks culminating in a final sex scene and serve.

Obviously, you don't watch movies like this for plots, no matter how inane and far-fetched they may be; you watch them to get sprung. Alas, this was back in the early eighties, and unless you had a big name and/or a lot of cash to burn, your film was almost destined to rot in film quality hell. Such seems to have been the case with "Private Lessons," and the fact that it is billed as a comedy rather than an adult movie bewilders me to no end. Even with the nudity, the filmography is agonizing to watch, but since this was probably produced as a "quick buck" teen-pleaser, that's not surprising. Panning shots of Kristel fondling or teasing Brown while the kid makes goofy, unrealistic "shocked and amazed" expressions are about as dynamic as this thing gets.

I should also mention that the character of Philly's chubby friend (Patrick Piccininni) is simply the most irritating part of the movie in my opinion. Some people have commented that this character, who comes across as being doomed to remain a virgin for the rest of his life, is rather cute in his behavior, and I fail to see how they arrive at that judgment... as if one gawking teenage boy wasn't enough. Hesseman's character is strictly porno-level, period, end of story. Even Dan Greenburg, the author of the book this film is based on, had the ego to have a bit role as the hotel owner, even going so far as to appear fully credited in the "profile" shots of the cast during the closing credits!

It's hard to recommend "Private Lessons" for any other reason than the aforementioned Ms. Kristel and the fact that it is better than most soft-porn out there. Aside from these aspects, it's downright mediocre.

Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)

A hilarious and creative piece of art

[24 December 2004]

I'm not fond of the XBox/PC game Halo by any means. I consider it a very average and unremarkable shooter, save for its use of vehicles. But even with that said, the satirical machinima series Red vs. Blue will always occupy a place in my heart.

The show is shot entirely using the XBox version of Halo, albeit with the game's HUD cropped out. (The aiming reticule is still there, and although it can be a bit distracting at first, you get used to it, and it's part of RVB's "independent film" appeal.) Other than some visual touch-ups, everything there is real and can be duplicated. Also, all of the characters look alike, so they are differentiated via the colors of their armor.

So what's it about? The series lampoons numerous things, including shooters, military life, sci-fi culture, and Halo itself (Church: "These arms aren't that flexible!"). It's set in the rather plain box canyon known as Blood Gulch (a multiplayer map in Halo) during the period between Halo and Halo 2. At one end is the base of the Blue Team; at the other, the Red Team base. Both sides are caught in a fierce deadlock during a capture-the-flag game. In reality, both teams are incredibly inept and would rather spend their time bickering, finding ways to kill time (such as tossing rocks through a teleporter), or just sort of spying on the other team.

On the Blue Team is Church, the sarcastic, impatient leader; Tucker, his somewhat serious-minded partner; and Caboose, the scatterbrained rookie who is often the origin of RVB's many famous quotes.

The Red Team is not much better, though. There's Sarge, a sergeant (duh) with an outlandish Southern American accent; Grif, the soldier who is the butt of most of Sarge's criticism; Simmons, a soldier who gets respect from Sarge and is accused by Grif of being a kiss-ass; Donut, a weird newbie in pink/lightish red armor (even though he's a guy); and Lopez, a robot whose speech unit shorts out later in the series, allowing him to only speak Spanish.

The teams don't stay put, though, and before long, all sorts of weird things happen. The Reds receive a Warthog-class jeep, leaving the Blues to compare it with their own tank in terms of attracting girls. Caboose inadvertently kills Church by blasting him with the tank. Church, now a ghost, possesses Sarge's body and makes him spit inside his own helmet. And that's just the first 19-episode season. But what really makes RVB shine is its great writing, scripting, and voice work.

Kikaidâ Zero Wan: The Animation (2001 Video)

A pathetic sequel.

[3/10 · 21 December 2004]

I enjoyed the 13-episode series Kikaider: The Animation. I wouldn't call it the best anime ever made, but it was nicely done and offered a dark, gritty adaptation of the story of a classic manga/tokusatsu superhero.

I wish I could say the same for its sequel, Kikaider-01: The Animation.

Running a scant 4 episodes, this is pretty much one for the die-hard fans - most of which live in Japan or Hawaii. It assumes that you are/were a big fan of the Kikaider manga or the Kikaider-01 tokusatsu series. Although I am a member of neither camp, it doesn't take much to realize that this OVA is a confusing mess.

Our hero Jiro (hey, that rhymes!) is seen careening down the road in his Sidemachine motorcycle, carrying a young woman named Rieko as well as a young boy named Akira. It turns out Akira is the son of Professor Gill, and the remnants of the Dark syndicate - now forming another organization called Shadow - are after him so that they may carry out their Evil Secret Plan. That paragraph tells you all you need to know.

Along the way, Jiro runs into an old monk, Fuuten, who was once an associate of Jiro's creator, Dr. Komyoji. Fuuten introduces Jiro's "brother," Ichiro - a.k.a. Kikaider-01. Ichiro has no conscience circuit, which means essentially that he's a cocky, amoral fighter. Soon after, they run into Bijinder, a female android who can (and I'm not kidding) shoot lasers out of her breasts, as well as Rei, another male android who transforms into Kikaider-00.

Hakaider is also back, and he has a trio of color-coded clones as his flunkies. Now, he possesses Gill's brain. In the previous series, we could take Hakaider seriously as a villain. In addition to being a badass, the fact that he had Dr. Komyoji's brain implanted within him was a source of dramatic tension. This new set of Hakaiders is about as menacing as a swarm of gnats and also about as annoying.

I don't think that I'd have such a problem with Kikaider-01's plot line if it didn't have such an asinine way of presenting it. This series is much more action-oriented than its predecessor, and being a shorter series, that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for anything else. Yes, you get lots of explosions, and the visuals remain mostly true to Ishinomori's retro art style. But the plot-exposing scenes are barely connected together with the action scenes, and it's frustrating to watch them because of the way the show makes assumptions about its audience. It's nearly impossible to relate to these characters since the show makes such a half-assed effort in that department. Sometimes I wonder if everyone in this show has mechanical parts in their heads.

If you're looking for glitz, Kikaider-01 has it in spades. Just don't go into it expecting it to be anywhere close to the standards of the first series.

Axem's rating: 3/10

Unreal Tournament (1999 Video Game)

Still one of the very best PC games, PERIOD.

[16 February 2002]

I didn't play Unreal Tournament when it was first released, because I had a relatively low-tech PC at the time. Later, though, when I got a better computer in November 2001, my brother introduced me to a game he had installed on his PC (which used to be a lot better than mine). That game was Quake III: Arena. It was different from older shooters in that it didn't revolve around huge, complex labyrinth missions. Instead, Q3A's focus was deathmatch play. Not only were the graphics lovely, but the game itself was very enjoyable. To be honest, I didn't really like the "labyrinth" shooters that well, so Q3A was a breath of fresh air for me, and renewed my interest in the shooter genre.

Not long after that, I stumbled upon some reviews for a game called Unreal Tournament, which I had never even heard of before then. Q3A received great marks from reviewers, but UT's were slightly better. Upon reading the reviews, I discovered that UT revolved around deathmatch play, like Q3A did. Expecting an experience similar to my first love, Quake III, I put Unreal Tournament on my wish list. I ended up getting the Totally Unreal pack, which included Unreal Tournament: Game of the Year Edition, plus Unreal Gold, its expansion pack, and some other extras. Although Unreal Gold didn't really hold my interest very well, I found Unreal Tournament to be even better than Quake III.

Being that UT is based on the Unreal engine, it should be expected that the game has gorgeous graphics. That sounds pretty accurate to me. The game has a lot of detail, and still runs at a consistent framerate. Although the game could use more character skins, what's there is great. Another important part of this shooter is the gore level. Even though there are options to tone down the guts, true shooter enthusiasts will want to play this game to its maximum bloody potential. The blood doesn't look as good as Quake III's, but the body parts, called "gibs," are better. The gibs bounce more than in several other games, and when you use a super weapon like the Rocket Launcher or even the almighty Redeemer, they go flying.

Oh... I almost forgot about weapons. UT has a wide variety of different weapons to use, each with their own primary and secondary functions. The Hammer is a close combat weapon, but when fully charged, can instantly kill opponents. The Pulse Gun can either shoot rapid beam spurts, or a solid energy beam. The Redeemer can only be used once, and is very hard to find, but it can devastate groups of enemies. There are lots of ways to frag opponents, and players can even choose special "mutators" to alter the normal rules of combat.

The sound is also top-notch. The music is a lot more important, and it really gets you in the mood to blow other characters into oblivion. Characters also spout taunts whenever they kill opponents, and each taunt is accompanied by its own voice clip. These phrases range from unoriginal ("You suck!" and "Loser.") to humorous ("I'm sorry, did I blow your head apart?" and my personal favorite, "You be dead!")

UT is also accompanied by different play modes. It includes the traditional "Capture the Flag" game, but also introduces new modes. In "Domination," two teams fight for control of three areas of each level. While a team owns an area, they also make points for having possession of it. The opposing team is also trying to steal control of the opponent's areas so they can make points from that particular area instead. It's a little confusing at first, but gets easier to understand. "Assault" is a series of objective-based missions between two teams, sort of like games such as Goldeneye 007.

In the end, UT is a shooter fan's delight, and is also one of the best PC games ever released, bar none. The sequel, Unreal Tournament 2, is currently in the works, so here's hoping that it will improve on this game's success!

Pokémon Puzzle League (2000 Video Game)

Great Panel De Pon remake

[1 February 2002]

Pokémon Puzzle League doesn't utilize the N64's capabilities very much, but it's fun nonetheless. Besides, video games are about fun, not the technology behind them.

The story is pretty bland, but most video games don't have very gripping storylines. Ash, the hero of the Pokémon anime series, is selected to compete in a special Puzzle League tournament. Lots of trainers are showing up for the event. Some are characters who only appear in the anime, while others, such as Gym Leaders, are from both the video games and the anime. Ash must defeat all of these challengers in puzzle matches to reach the final foe... well, you'll just have to see for yourself who this last character is!

If you've ever played Panel De Pon/Tetris Attack, this game needs no introduction. Your playing field is a rectangular pile of multicolored blocks, and the pile is constantly growing higher and adding new blocks to the area. You control a horizontal cursor which can switch two blocks that are next to each other. You earn points by creating horizontal and/or vertical "combos" of three or more blocks that are the same color. By switching blocks quickly so that falling blocks create new combos, you can make a "chain", which gives you more points and also dumps garbage pieces on opponents. These garbage pieces hinder your opponent's progress, but remember, they can (and will) do the same to you. If your stack of blocks goes way over the top, you lose.

As aforementioned, not much has changed about the gameplay, except for one thing: 3D mode. In this mode, you have a big cylinder of blocks to work with instead of your normal 2D playing field. It keeps you on your toes, but with more blocks also come more chances for combos and chains.

And of course, there's the Puzzle mode, in which you must clear a preset array of blocks in a limited amount of turns. It starts out simple, then gets so difficult that it makes you create combos in very weird ways. There are lots of levels, so it will definitely keep you busy.

All in all, PPL is an excellent and thoroughly addictive puzzle game, and you don't even need to be a Pokémon fan to enjoy it. The one-player mode is a bit short, but the frantic multiplayer experience is right up there with puzzlers such as Tetris, Puyo Puyo, Bust-A-Move, and Dr. Mario. 9/10

Super Smash Bros. Melee (2001 Video Game)

The best fighting game... EVER!

[25 December 2001]

Mario and the gang have returned for another bout. Only this time, they have new moves, items, places to battle... and of course, several new Nintendo stars to battle with.

The characters have never looked better. There's a lot of nice texture work here--you can see even very minor details like the stitching on Mario's overalls or the scales on Bowser's skin. The game constantly runs at 60 FPS, or frames per second (really, really smoothly), and load time is anywhere from one-and-a-half seconds to almost none at all.

Thankfully, Nintendo has not decided to edit the sound effects for the English version, unlike what they did for the first title. (Grr...) The music is very nicely done. Most of the tunes are orchestrated, and they even included the DK Rap from Donkey Kong 64!

Controls are also very similar to the first game. Players jump with the Y Button, use regular attacks with the A button, use special attacks with the B button, shield with the L or R buttons, and grab other players with the awkwardly placed Z Button. I recommend practicing to get the hang of it all.

The arenas are a lot more unique this time around, too. For instance, in the F-Zero Mute City stage, the arena constantly moves, and you can even get hit by the F-Zero cars zooming by. (This has to be seen to be believed.) Or in the Pokémon Stadium level, the landscape changes at random. All of the stages have little obstacles and traps like these.

The game is LOADED with all sorts of modes, even in single-player. Adventure mode, for instance, takes you through all sorts of cool stages based on Nintendo games. Players have several battle options, and players can also fight in tournaments with up to 64 players.

What about secrets? Well, I won't disclose much, but there are many characters to be unlocked, like Pichu, Ganondorf, and Prince Marth (from the Japanese RPG Fire Emblem). The only one I would change is Jigglypuff, who doesn't do much of anything. You can even earn many new arenas.

With all these options, modes, and secrets, this game is sure to keep players busy for a long, long time.

My score: 10 out of 10

Digimon: Digital Monsters (1999–2007)

I have lost all respect for this cartoon.

[27 July 2001]

Do you remember the days of the Tamagotchi virtual pet? Well, a bit later, in 1997 or so, Bandai introduced a new spin-off virtual pet called Digimon. When I heard that an anime series featuring the virtual pet creatures was coming out, I was excited. Sadly, though, that excitement quickly wore off.

First, Pokemon DID come before Digimon, despite what most people will tell you. Pokemon was first released in late 1995, and Digimon came a little later. But even so, Pokemon and Digimon have just about, well, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common, except for the fact that they both have some form of "monster" in their names. The two have entirely different concepts behind them. So I don't EVER think of them as rivals. Understand? Good. Let's continue.

Had this show been put in the hands of a respected company like Pioneer, I could rest easier, and I would hold the show in higher regard. Unfortunately, it seems to be a law that just about every kids' show from Toei has to be plopped right into the hands of Saban. (Read: the #@$&%er.) We've seen them turn the Sentai series, Kamen Rider, B-Fighter, and especially Dragon Ball Z to slop in the U.S. By "slop," I mean they have cheesy writing, plot alterations, pop-culture references, and stupid theme songs. I prayed Digimon Adventure (its Japanese title) would not go that same route, but unfortunately, it did. The theme song is my biggest gripe. Gee, we're about two and a half years after its debut in the U.S., and we're STILL hearing this "Digimon are the champions!" stuff? It's really ironic that the Japanese version has gone through about two or three opening themes, while the American version is still on the same tune, with little variation. Please, spare yourself the agony of watching this very mistreated dub. If Japanese, subtitled in English, episode compilations are ever released, I feel that's the best way to watch Digimon Adventure. The dub is an absolute disgrace.

EarthBound (1994 Video Game)

Awesome game!

[9/10 · 8 July 2001]

Earthbound, AKA Mother 2, proves that you don't need great graphics to have a great game. (Although the backgrounds in the fight scenes look pretty cool...) The game is very fun, and has a lot of ORIGINAL humor, which is definitely a plus in my book. And in the English version, they even kept the characters' original names. Well, King the dog was originally "Chibi," but oh well. In Earthbound, you'll face off against lots of goofy bosses, like a pile of barf named Master Belch, and a giant mushroom called... well, "Shrooom!" There are also characters like the chubby inventor, Apple Kid, or the blues band called the Runaway Five. Or how about enemies like evil hippies or demonic petunias?

This game didn't sell well when it first came out, because people cared more about graphics, and avoided the game because of how it LOOKED. If you can find this game on EBay or your local pawn shop, get it. You'll be glad you did. Oh, and be sure to get the Player's Guide, which was packaged with Earthbound, because it's very helpful, and has a lot of funny reading material in it, plus Earthbound scratch-n-sniff cards!

Pokémon 3 the Movie: Spell of the Unown (2000)

Nice job!

[10/10 · 12 April 2001]

After watching this movie one Saturday night, I breathed a sigh of relief. 4Kids finally did a good job on a Pokémon movie. Despite many a naysayer out there (you people know who you are), I must say this movie was handled better than the first two, not in terms of advertising and hype, but in the actual dubbing.

The short, "Pikachu and Pichu," wasn't much of a hurdle to write English lines for, as it is all in Pokémon dialect. It has a pretty good message about putting aside conflicts to solve problems, but wasn't without humor, as the two street-wise Pichu brothers lead Pikachu on a wild romp across town. Especially well handled was the party and the end, since it is a special day for Ash and Pikachu both. I won't spoil it for you; just see it for yourself.

"Spell of the Unown" gives a touching story while also having nice animation effects. The fight against Entei and the grown-up reincarnations of Molly is a bit long, though. (Says Molly: "No more fighting!") Ash's Charizard makes a return appearance, as well. In sticking with tradition, 4Kids even kept the original music and sound effects. The best part? No annoying pop music! Even the ending theme, "To Know the Unknown," isn't as mindless as most songs today.

All in all, worth the price of admission, especially if you like Pokémon, and even if you paid just to get the promotional Entei card.

My score: 8/10

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Why, God, WHY? (pun intended)

[25 March 2001]

Movies based on books often aren't as good as their paper counterparts. Battlefield Earth was a prime example. Left Behind is another.

I had the misfortune of having to watch this on a long road trip. A modern-day version of the Rapture sounded like an interesting concept, so a movie version of the book couldn't be too bad, right? Wrong. It's things like these that make me embarassed to be a Christian. What this "movie" is telling us is that if you don't practice some form of Christianity, that makes you a bad person.

Right.

That's just the beginning. Why couldn't this movie have been made by a major film company? Why couldn't Cloud Ten have decided to use better special effects to make this film at least slightly more entertaining? Why does Kirk Cameron have to give this silly sermon at the end of the movie that is akin to a chain mail? Come to think about it, why is he in the movie anyway?

Oh, and the "Left Behind" song (you know, the one that plays during the credits) sounds like yet another rehashed Britney Spears tune. My least favorite part about the movie? It reeks of "direct-to-video." Releasing this on video first was a unique idea, but unfortunately, it doesn't work here at all.

My score: 1/10

Paper Mario (2000 Video Game)

Don't judge a book by its cover, or a plumber by his dimensions

[9/10 · 23 February 2001]

Paper Mario is one of the most unique games I've seen in a long time. It's sort of like the sequel to Super Mario RPG, although Paper Mario has as much to do with that game as chalk has to do with cheese. Although... that's a silly analogy.

The plot is standard "Bowser captures Princess Peach, Mario comes to save her" fare, but with a little twist. Bowser seizes Peach's castle, and takes it up into the sky atop his floating fortress. Bowser has also stolen the sacred Star Rod to give himself immense power, and with it, he effortlessly defeats Mario, and shoots him out the window. However, since this Mario is made of "paper," he just floats down. Our plumber hero gains several new allies, finds powerups, and meets new characters as he attempts to save the Star Spirits, the guardians of the Star Road. And, of course, the characters are all flat like paper, but they move around in a 3D landscape.

Shigeru Miyamoto's famous character never gets boring, and this adventure is yet another classic for Mario and his friends. It's not a Final Fantasy killer, but the game has plenty of wit and challenge to keep both kids and adults on their toes.

I give this game a 9 out of 10 - highly recommended!

A Christmas Story (1983)

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll shoot your eye out!

[22 December 2000]

This is THE best Christmas comedy ever! Ralph is a hilarious character who tries everything to get a BB gun for Christmas, and Randy (his little brother) is funny and charming in his kid brother sort of way. Ralphie's mom is a great symbol of an olden-day mom (who can forget the "people are starving in China" saying), and his dad really puts the whole thing together seamlessly, with his constant cussing and how he goes on and on about his "major award" which is nothing more than a lamp. The obscenities that the characters (even the young ones) say is a wee bit out of rating (PG) but it's tolerable. All I can say is... "Oh fudge!"

****½ stars out of 5

Dragon Ball Z (1996–2003)

Awesome show, but absolutely ruined in the dub.

[4 November 2000]

When I first heard of Dragon Ball Z, I had no idea what it was about. Then when it started airing on Cartoon Network, I didn't like it (again because I didn't know what it was about.) But I got hooked on it quickly, thanks to my little brother.

It was not until I found a certain website, which shall remain nameless, that I found out what I was watching was a severely hacked-up version of its former self. And here are my reasons why I recommend you watch either the original or at least a subtitled uncut version:

1: The background music. Geez, I've heard better sounding stuff coming out of a Casio keyboard. At least the original music had flavor to it.

2: The voices. Especially for Season 3. The characters Dragon Ball fans know and love (notably Son Gokou) now sound more like stupid WCW wrestlers. Buruma now sounds like a valley girl ditzoid... and Kuririn? Don't get me started.

3. Pop culture references. The characters live on a "pseudo-Earth," for crying out loud! They would never know about Houdini or Godzilla or stuff like that!

If you've never seen the original DBZ, I suggest only watching the dub for the sake of actually watching it. (For things like Gokou's Super Saiya-jin transformation, the appearance of Trunks and Cell, etc.)

Digimon: The Movie (2000)

Digimon AREN'T the champions!

[1/10 · 17 October 2000]

Eww. I thought that something like this would be cool, but that's what you get for thinking. The animation is slightly better than the TV show (which doesn't even look like quality anime). Sadly, though, that's where everything goes downhill. Saban has apparently "Americanized" the movie to a ridiculous extent (don't forget, Saban also made Power Rangers!). And I thought Pokémon had a problem with repeated prefixes. Every digi-thing the digi-characters digi-say has to digi-have digi- before every word. Don't waste your money, folks. Just buy some cheap soda and popcorn and you're ready to leave this cheesy rip-off of Pokémon. 0.005/10